Texting

[sheep123]

I think I answered my own question.

Thanks, everyone!

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, sheep123 said:

The situation:

she is married and has a husband, but she needs my husband AND I said to back off.

Ok again I’m being her. I don’t care about what my husband thinks or feels and I don’t care what your husbands wife thinks or feels so I’m going to keep right on texting your husband and I might even have sex with him if I haven’t already. Right or wrong is if no consequence to me it’s all about what I want. 

[Xerad]

10 hours ago, sheep123 said:

My question is what type of person would continue a behavior that they know was destroying a marriage.

She's a husband poacher. Period. Full stop.

A woman who texts/calls your husband at 4AM is looking for only one kind of help and that's an itch.

You didn't ask, but my advice is to get your H back under your roof ASAP and bust that "friendship" all to hell. I wouldn't worry one jot if she gets angry with you. Drop her like the man grabbing predator she is. 

Are you absolutely positive your husband and her didn't have a little afternoon delight already? Because there's something off with your husband's defense of her.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, sheep123 said:

. He is temporarily staying at his brothers house and he is begging for forgiveness.

I 

Do you want a divorce or marriage therapy?

Your obsession with this woman is your downfall.

Decide if you want to be married or not. 

You're not even addressing the real situation. That is was this an inappropriate friendship or an affair.

Instead you're obsessed with her. "Duty to inform"? Where does that nonsense come from.

You need professional advice. Trawling reddit subforums  and other anger-based infidelity sites is creating your conflicts and mishandling of this.

Get individual therapy for your own health and insist on marriage therapy to discuss boundaries.

Making him stay in the dog house for a while is a bandaid. 

If you are that sure it's an affair and that fed up, cut to the chase and get an attorney.

Going on and on about her, her husband, her boundaries, her morals, etc is easy but simply an exercise in denial about how bad your marriage really is.

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, sheep123 said:

He allowed her to because she needs his advice, opinion, help. . . he answers her. I say she is bold as brass to have disrespected my wishes.

He promises it is over and it will never happen again.

my question is ~ is it appropriate to override an opposite sex's texting buddy spouse. . . I say it isn't.

She's wrong for chasing your husband but your problem still lies with your husband.  He allows this.  He drops everything, including you, for her.  If he told her to buzz off, no matter what she did, it wouldn't be an issue because your husband would be showing loyalty to you.

So I ask again, how is you telling her husband about her behavior going to affect how your husband behaved?  It won't. 

[oldtruck]

your WW had an affair with her

you were not wrong to tell her to back off. though that is a waste of time

because no OW is going to back off just because her OMW tells het to.

 

you need to expose the affair to the OWH and tell your WH he has to go

NC with his OW or there will not be recovery.

 

also if you want to work on recovery being separated makes thing harder.

[Starswillshine]

I would never want to cause any friction in any marriage. I wouldn't be texting a married man anyway, but for the sake of this thread, if I had a friend that I text often and his wife asked me to please stop. I would 100% stop. 

If you asked, and she continued, she has no respect dor.y9ur marriage. More importantly, if you told your husband you are not happy with this and he continued, he has no respect for your marriage. 

[trident_2020]

I think it's universally agreed by the responding posters that the other woman is being inappropriate and disrespectful.

So what?

That's like saying the elephant in the living room just took a dump and whose turn is it to clean it up?

[primer]

15 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

Ok again I’m being her. I don’t care about what my husband thinks or feels and I don’t care what your husbands wife thinks or feels so I’m going to keep right on texting your husband and I might even have sex with him if I haven’t already. Right or wrong is if no consequence to me it’s all about what I want. 

That makes me sad.

 

[usa1ah]

If they are having an affair, then I believe her husband has a right to know what you do.
 

Don’t confront the OW, she doesn’t care one bit what you think. 

Ask your husband how he intends to prove it was just a friendship. You can also ask why he is still talking with her if it is breaking up the marriage, it’s only a friendship.

 

[usa1ah]

On 1/8/2021 at 8:14 AM, sheep123 said:

I am preparing to tell her husband and I am trying to gage what people think of her.

My husband and I are separated.

My feeling is that a married couple is a UNIT and if one is unhappy, you back off ~ not only for respect for the couple but for self-respect. Am I wrong? I would NEVER pursue a married man's friendship if the wife said to stop.

 

It is obvious that the OW doesn’t share you values and point of view. 
 

To be honest your giving this woman more respect by actually thinking she is more like you. She is nothing like you, if she was she would never of had an affair with your husband. 

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, sheep123 said:

my question is ~ is it appropriate to override an opposite sex's texting buddy spouse. . . I say it isn't.

Of course not.  It is clear she is trying to break up your marriage and doesn't respect you.  So it is on your husband to block her and make it clear she is not allowed to disrespect you, him and your marriage.  If he has done that then I don't see a problem.  Some people have no morals so you can't expect much from them and she sounds like that type.

[Birdies]

If she thought it was ok to be in enough contact to cause his marriage to break up, she's not going to care what you have to say about it.  If anything, it will fuel the "Poor guy, his wife is a mean jealous psycho" school of thought.  Just ignore her and deal with your husband.  If he truly is willing to do anything to get you back, he'll have no problem telling her to F off and blocking her.

[Xerad]

2 minutes ago, Birdies said:

If anything, it will fuel the "Poor guy, his wife is a mean jealous psycho" school of thought. 

AND she'll feel she means more to your husband than you do, which really IS the game she's playing. That's her goal. 

[merrmeade]

On 1/8/2021 at 5:57 PM, sheep123 said:

...

People misunderstood my timeline and I am not "legally" separated. My husband is staying with his brother for a few days so I can get my head straight. ...

This female was an acquaintance of mine. I asked her to please stop the texting. It wasn't right for our marriage and it was infringing on our family time, but she continued because he allowed her to.

I HAVE NO IDEA if it is still happening. As far as I know, he's learned his lesson and it ended.

He allowed her to because she needs his advice, opinion, help. . . he answers her. I say she is bold as brass to have disrespected my wishes.

He promises it is over and it will never happen again.

...

Problems here:  

"legal" doesn't matter - what matters is that she is taking advantage and you are getting screwed because "he allowed her to" and that YOU allow even the possibility of accepting his WHY is a big problem. If he messed up so badly and wants forgiveness there are no 'because' excuses for ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to accept his excuse. That's the way it works. That's the bottom line. It IS up to him. 

I'm not impressed at all that he promises anything. Here's what you should do:

Talk to him about what he has to do. He does it or forget it.

He has to write a text for your approval that he will send her in which he says to leave him alone, that he's blocking her number, that their texts have been inappropriate and  also thoughtless and cruel to you. She should never speak to, text or email him again. 

Once you approve it, YOU send it from his phone. You block her number on his phone or watch him do it. 

[merrmeade]

On 1/8/2021 at 5:59 PM, sheep123 said:

The situation:

she is married and has a husband, but she needs my husband AND I said to back off.

No, sheep123, YOU are wrong and, I'm sorry, being stubborn. You are refusing to  look clearly at your husband. Perhaps he is slow as they all are when these things start taking on a life of their own, but he has to take initiative. See my other post for how to go about it. I'm not bossy, but this is the only way. You can leave no excuses or loopholes.

The reason it's up to you and him is that she doesn't think like you do. For whatever reason she's using her victimhood as a means. Not unusual. She won't do anything if you tell her. You don't exist for her. She just thinks, "Hmmm, he's kind of available now so let's see what happens" - if that's in the part of her brain that she might acknowledge.

I am an 8 years out betrayed wife who found out - from my husband - about previous affairs after I discovered the last one. I did the SAME THING you are doing - obsessing over the OW who did not get it and would have kept contacting him. My husband sort of got it but HE was the one to cut her off finally because I finally got all the pieces straight from this forum. 

If your husband wants your forgiveness, he has to do what you need. See my other post above and also on your other thread. All I've got to say.

Edited January 14, 2021 by merrmeade

[ExpatInItaly]

What does it matter what we think of this woman, OP? What are you going to do, print off this thread and show her how many people on Loveshack think she's crossing boundaries?

You feel it's inappropriate. It's your marriage. You get to decide where your boundaries are. She just happens to not care. 

 

[stillafool]

On 1/9/2021 at 11:31 AM, primer said:

That makes me sad.

 

Unfortunately this is how OW think.

[Xerad]

2 hours ago, merrmeade said:

He has to write a text for your approval that he will send her in which he says to leave him alone, that he's blocking her number, that their texts have been inappropriate and  also thoughtless and cruel to you. She should never speak to, text or email him again. 

Once you approve it, YOU send it from his phone. You block her number on his phone or watch him do it. 

Excellent advice.

[merrmeade]

 I especially loved something you wrote in your other thread: "There's something about a text that screams, "This is between you and me only." It's so private and intimate. Anything can be said/shared and even misconstrued." THAT really calls a spade a spade and is a great way to explain it because that kind of texting is written in such a way that they can immediately deny and put you on the defensive for being so old-fashioned. 

This is from the same post in your other thread...

Quote

 

My husband works with a bunch of women and has a bunch of female friends, but he doesn't TEXT them. Same with me ~ I don't text my male colleagues or male neighbors or male Facebook friends.

There's something about a text that screams, "This is between you and me only." It's so private and intimate. Anything can be said/shared and even misconstrued.

Why should she have that relationship with my H? I don't care if they were even talking about the weather. . . If he's stopping his day to text in private directly to her inbox ~ it just annoys me. 

He doesn't care about losing her as a texting friend. He just feels badly for my pain. He looks at it as I lost a friend because I didn't trust her. He feels I insulted her so she's hurt. I say she hurt me by crossing that line.

 

To which I responded...

Quote

 

This is the only thing you've said that is Right On to me. This is why it was wrong and why he should stop being so clueless. Damn this kind of situation makes me mad. 

I wrote my husband an email the last time he said to me "we really were mostly just friends" that the "mostly" made all the rest of it 100% wrong, and I didn't want to hear any such excuses ever again. He agreed and it was the last I heard it. 

In your case it's the same. Your discomfort is the deciding factor. The fact that you've described it so well is even better. I love this explanation: "There's something about a text that screams, "This is between you and me only.' It's so private and intimate. Anything can be said/shared and even misconstrued." It is WHY the texts are inappropriate: They MAKE them so.

 

I just think enough cannot be said about this kind of sneaky texting that they - including your husband - make so many lame excuses about, deny, blame-shift, minimize, white wash and generally just play mind games with everybody, mainly themselves, that is innocent. Give me a break. Nothing about that situation is appropriate.

[Lorryborry]

On 1/8/2021 at 12:19 PM, sheep123 said:

I am a married woman and I asked another married woman ~ a "damsel in distress" ~ to please stop texting my husband as it is causing stress and friction in my marriage.(She doesn't need his help. She has a capable husband.) If you were her:

Do you stop texting out of respect for me,  his wife, OR do you believe your friendship with him overrides her wishes, and you continue texting because he answers you and obviously he doesn't mind her texting.

In other words, would you continue a texting friendship with a married man knowing his wife was uncomfortable with it?

I wouldn't cut him out straight away.  Wouldn't want the drama. 

[BaileyB]

On 1/8/2021 at 11:06 AM, sheep123 said:

Separated BECAUSE of this.

so I am inappropriate in confronting a mistress? 

No, but I doubt she will listen to you.

Your problem is not the mistress, your problem is your husband. The fact that he has not told her to stop texting is the reason why she is still texting. She will only listen to him. 

[Fletch Lives]

Start texting another guy. Maybe when your husband understands how it feels, when the shoe is on the other foot........perhaps then he'll be ready to change.

[ctdans]

If she wants your husband no way will she stop.  If she didn't realize at the time things went too far an honest person would stop.  But I have to ask where her husband is in all of this?  Is he aware this caused your separation?

[merrmeade]

There's one very important piece to all these speculations. Why would she keep texting in a vacuum. In other words, obviously he's responding and giving her something since she keeps writing him back. They're in this together; it''s not a one-way street.  Think about that for a minute. Whatever he's been telling you to appear innocent and passive so all the blame can be shifted to her, you seem to be buying. So I'd say BOTH of them just keep things going on, whatever the history. 

It's troublesome that you believe him, all the ways he's putting it off on her and letting you make her the fall guy. Believe me, I've had this kind of B.S. thrown at me and it's hard to discount.

But about your question - why would she continue texting from her standpoint if she wasn't getting something in return. So I'd say he's lying his head off and giving her plenty of material. She's enjoying it and keeps on texting. It's that simple. Everyone is calling her names as if she had this agenda to wreck your marriage. It's worse than that: She doesn't care and doesn't even think about you. There's something very exciting and fun that they incite each other back and forth with this kind of texting. Answer to your "what kind of person would..." : She's indecently acting on her interest in your husband and he's promoting it. It's mutual. It's active. And they have no reason to stop.

She's obsessed with him (and he with her, I'd venture) and you're obsessed with her. If the goal is getting her to stop, then I'd say blow it up with the husband.. It's the only consequence that might register imo.