My life has gone 180 in 24 hours

[Upsetdan]

Hi guys, 

quick background: been with girlfriend 4 years. We both have children precious, me 3 her 2. I know it sounds cheesy but best friends as well as lovers, partners, a proper team, always laughing. Rarely a crossed word and if we did argue it was quickly settled. 
we live separately, we are together as a family 11/14 nights. Long term plan a home together, should have been achieved already but for financial reason and then global pandemic. 
her son has mental health issues and is occasionally very violent. It’s by no way easy but I love him like my own, but is testing. His sister and me have a great relationship; she was a baby when me and my partner started out:

things have always been great, honestly great. Lockdown in UK has been testing but we made it through, happily in our own little world. Work stresses and her son behaviour has built up and last night she ended our relationship with no warning saying we live separate lives and she feels I should not put my children first all the time. I am by no means perfect, no one is. I feel I have loved and been the best role model to these kids. I love them like my own as I say. 
she ended the relationship saying no chance of reconciliation.... but I asked , do you love me? Yes, are you IN love with me? YES. 
I don’t know what to do. 24 hours has passed no contact: I feel sick I can’t eat, I’ve not slept. Do I carry on with the no contact and hope that she contacts me? I said at the end of our chat, I hope to speak to you soon, she said “we won’t” 

broken hearted. We had the best relationship, plans, a happy family, lots of love and laughter. Now this

 

i don’t believe there to be anyone else involved. She would always leave Phone around, we both did, no extra texts or calls, and the fact we are back in lock down in uk. 
 

any advice appreciated  

[trident_2020]

Best advice I can offer you is to accept that it's over, and she didn't feel the same as you did about how great things were going.

When you're blindsided like this expect moderate to severe anxiety and even depression and treat yourself well. Don't make any  major life decisions at this point and do what you can to minimize daily stress.

 

[tart6245]

I went through a similar experience except without kids. Lived with girlfriend. Things obviously were not quite the same in 2020, but I felt like we were managing well. 2.5 weeks ago I came home to find all of her things gone and she told me it was over. No obvious warning signs. I ate maybe one meal in 3 days and barely slept. But I am beginning to feel a bit better now. My appetite is returning and I am sleeping somewhat better.

If she told you it was over and there was no hope of a future, you need to except that. Be thankful she doesn't seem to want to string you along. 

[Gaeta]

I am sorry this is happening to you. What exactly she was resentful for regarding your children?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Upsetdan said:

Work stresses and her son behaviour has built up and last night she ended our relationship with no warning saying we live separate lives 

Can you elaborate on this? What exactly has been happening? 

I can't help but notice the stark difference in the way you describe your relationship (things have been great, been happy in your own little world together in lockdown) and the way she does: you live separate lives. Those are nearly opposite perceptions of the same relationship.

In retrospect, do you think that perhaps you've been glossing over the issues, maybe not wanting to acknowledge how you two have drifted apart? Had she ever shared these concerns before? Or are you genuinely shocked to hear her say that you two essentially lead separate lives? 

[Upsetdan]

I will try and keep this as short but detailed as I can. 
my girlfriend of 4 years ended our relationship 1 week ago. I have 3 kids of my own, she has 2, together we was a happy family. I did my best to be the best role model, step father, friend to her children and with her son difficult at times as very bad ADHD, but I love him, in my heart he’s mine. The daughter was a baby when we got together, we have an incredible relationship. 
I knew my ex for 4 years before relationship and it was built on solid foundations, we were extremely good friends and total respect for each other. 
a relationship started, we moved fast, made the usual plans, it was great, and it was great for 98% of the 4 years together. She often said she was thankful that not only was we a couple but sole mates and best friends, physically things never got over the honeymoon period, we enjoyed each other in all aspects.

Here’s my mistakes- my ex wife is a controlling nasty piece of work, she still has control over me where my children are concerned, she has the ability to be vile and cause me any problems. Over the 4 years this has affected my girlfriend 3/4 times and she says she can’t take it anymore. She can’t be with me cause I am scared of my ex and that I have never been strong enough with her. 
my second mistake- we still live apart (officially) although spend 12/14 nights together. The plan was that we buy together within 2 years, as both renting, and me starting again after my marriage ending 6 years ago was still affecting me financially plans pushed Back. She had an option recently to extend her lease for 2 more years, at cheaper rent that average, after talking about it, she signed the lease. Innocently I thought well that gives me/us 2 more years of saving and I’ll be in that position we wanted to be. To her it was a test. I failed, by letting her sign. 
she says 4 years of her life are wasted. FOLLOWED by- she is thankful for me as when we got together she was a in a weak place, and that I supported her and loved her and gave her the belief to grow. She’s now grown and it’s like I’ve taken her as far as I can.

she ended the relationship giving these reasons. I understand. I hoped after a few days things would calm. Hoping that she was taking frustrations out on me. In uk, we in another lockdown, homeschooling difficult child, lots of shouting between them... but my hopes didn’t appear. 
I left it two days. I called, we spoke for 2 hours. I felt it went well. She said she can’t see how things could change so there’s no reconciliation. Would then talk positively about us as a couple. I said I loved her, she cried and said it back. Said she has missed me no it’s breaking her about her kids not seeing me. I did the “I’ll do anything” chat. 
my he next day, I text, nothing. I called, no answer, tried later, no answer. Could see she has been on social media, this then made me call and text more as she was ignoring me. In the end we spoke and she very harshly told me that 100% it’s over. No chance of change. She said some cruel things. I’m broken. 
I have friends, but I’m 40, all my friends are married, I’ll have no one to spend time with, I am scared of being alone as my mind gets very dark and I have suffered with depression previously, and always anxiety, I’m in a lockdown for another 4 weeks, I’m scared. 
my ex from the moment we got together, my depression disappeared, in a few days it’s came back. I am so scared of being alone. I don’t know what  to do.

[d0nnivain]

What you do is heal & move forward.  The fact that this grown woman "tested" you would be all I need to walk away & never look back. 

You survived your divorce.  You will survive this break up.  Get yourself together.  Grieve.  Heal & make peace with yourself.  In time you will be ready to date again.  Meantime work on the finances & learning to set better, healthier boundaries with your EX-W

[SMoore]

Sorry to hear your situation.  Remember that the fears for your future are only thoughts, and thoughts come and they go.  The dark future that you are imagining exists only in your head.  Stay in the present and take one day at a time.  One hour at a time if you have to.  Then life will take its course and you will experience some kind of healing.

I was reading another thread where the ex said something like breaking up made her stronger, or that she was using him as a stepping stone, which is similar to yours saying she had outgrown you.  I’ve heard the ‘I’m ready for something more than you can give me’ line before - there is definitely a narrative that people (is it mostly women?) use about moving onwards and upwards, like their relationships are steps on the road to enlightenment.  I’m not sure men see things quite the same way.  Anyway, my point is, don’t take that to heart.  People often say ‘they’ve grown’ and are ‘ready for something more’.  I have no idea if they actually believe it or if it is a just a lazy way of dumping someone which devolves them of responsibility to a degree, as if there is some higher power guiding them on.  Whatever the truth of it, it’s an arrow as much as a flag of honour; it’s patronising and will hurt.  Don’t dwell on that kind of cliche.

[OhAndTwo]

I can so relate to this. I am also in similar circumstances but am living with her, while she figures out how to leave me physically. (She is already mentally gone.)

I'm hoping she wakes up and realizes shes making a mistake before she actually leaves, but its not looking good. 

Best of luck. 

[dramafreezone]

Sorry to hear this man.  Reach out to friends and family for support.  Don't call or text her.

[Caauug]

On 1/12/2021 at 4:12 PM, Upsetdan said:

She had an option recently to extend her lease for 2 more years, at cheaper rent that average, after talking about it, she signed the lease. Innocently I thought well that gives me/us 2 more years of saving and I’ll be in that position we wanted to be. To her it was a test. I failed, by letting her sign.

Yes, I agree. She was looking to you to be the "Knight in shinning armour" to come along and save her.... 2 more years could lead to 20.... She has an agenda, and you are not keeping up with it.

On 1/12/2021 at 4:12 PM, Upsetdan said:

Here’s my mistakes- my ex wife is a controlling nasty piece of work, she still has control over me where my children are concerned, she has the ability to be vile and cause me any problems.

This is not good. Your GF has no control over this, she looks to you and you have no control either.... This makes you a failure in her eyes. Your GF wants/needs a strong man that can help lead her and her family, she does not need her life/family controlled by your EXW…. 

On 1/12/2021 at 4:12 PM, Upsetdan said:

I did the “I’ll do anything” chat. 
my he next day, I text, nothing. I called, no answer, tried later, no answer. Could see she has been on social media, this then made me call and text more as she was ignoring me. In the end we spoke and she very harshly told me that 100% it’s over. No chance of change. She said some cruel things. I’m broken. 
I have friends, but I’m 40, all my friends are married, I’ll have no one to spend time with, I am scared of being alone as my mind gets very dark and I have suffered with depression previously, and always anxiety, I’m in a lockdown for another 4 weeks, I’m scared. 
my ex from the moment we got together, my depression disappeared, in a few days it’s came back. I am so scared of being alone. I don’t know what  to do.

No begging!!! That only lowers your status as a man. 

Like I said she wants a strong man to help lead her and her family, not a weak LVM.... Everything in the above quote is a big NO!!! Don't go there!!!

Your GF has responsibilities to her family, she is looking for the best mate possible. By her actions she thinks she can do better than you, that is why she broke it off. 

On 1/12/2021 at 4:12 PM, Upsetdan said:

I don’t know what  to do.

Fact: Your GF is gone looking for better than you. Rejection hurts, deal with it!!

Improve YOU: If you can, hit the gym, and get into physical shape, this will also help with your mental shape. If gyms are out try resistance training at home. Eat healthy and stay off drugs and alcohol. Look after the most important person in your life: YOU!!! 

Your EXW: I have no answers dealing this one.... (I was very lucky with mine.) Even if you have to sit her down and try to reason with her.... It sounds like she is fighting her own battles still with her failed marriage with you. There has to be some resolution if you are to have a SO in your life.

Finances: If you are going to play the role of a provider in a relationship you should be able to handle money. EXW + Kids + living expenses can kill a lot of dreams, Covid has not helped in a lot of cases. Improve where you can, spend less or make more or both. Lower debt, pay less interest. Buy with cash, you physically see money going out, ask yourself "Do I really need to buy this?" Swipe of the card is the same as $2 or $2,000..... (I hate the $20K swipes, but sometimes you just got to do it...) Start a small business reselling Aliexpress merchandise on FB or eBay locally.... Even if this money is in trust for your kids for collage or uni... Check with a financial planner to keep your EXW and tax man away from it. Everything helps, skip buying that coffee on the way to work and drink a free instant coffee at work... It all adds up.

The more you improve on yourself the better you will be. Get into physical shape, this should help with your mental shape. Take a good look at your finances (get help if needed) and reduce your debt, cut spending or spend smarter and if possible earn more. Try to call a truce with the Wicked Witch of the West that is the EXW.... Most important: Look after YOU, eat healthy and exercise!!! 

[Upsetdan]

On 1/13/2021 at 2:18 PM, Caauug said:

Yes, I agree. She was looking to you to be the "Knight in shinning armour" to come along and save her.... 2 more years could lead to 20.... She has an agenda, and you are not keeping up with it.

This is not good. Your GF has no control over this, she looks to you and you have no control either.... This makes you a failure in her eyes. Your GF wants/needs a strong man that can help lead her and her family, she does not need her life/family controlled by your EXW…. 

No begging!!! That only lowers your status as a man. 

Like I said she wants a strong man to help lead her and her family, not a weak LVM.... Everything in the above quote is a big NO!!! Don't go there!!!

Your GF has responsibilities to her family, she is looking for the best mate possible. By her actions she thinks she can do better than you, that is why she broke it off. 

Fact: Your GF is gone looking for better than you. Rejection hurts, deal with it!!

Improve YOU: If you can, hit the gym, and get into physical shape, this will also help with your mental shape. If gyms are out try resistance training at home. Eat healthy and stay off drugs and alcohol. Look after the most important person in your life: YOU!!! 

Your EXW: I have no answers dealing this one.... (I was very lucky with mine.) Even if you have to sit her down and try to reason with her.... It sounds like she is fighting her own battles still with her failed marriage with you. There has to be some resolution if you are to have a SO in your life.

Finances: If you are going to play the role of a provider in a relationship you should be able to handle money. EXW + Kids + living expenses can kill a lot of dreams, Covid has not helped in a lot of cases. Improve where you can, spend less or make more or both. Lower debt, pay less interest. Buy with cash, you physically see money going out, ask yourself "Do I really need to buy this?" Swipe of the card is the same as $2 or $2,000..... (I hate the $20K swipes, but sometimes you just got to do it...) Start a small business reselling Aliexpress merchandise on FB or eBay locally.... Even if this money is in trust for your kids for collage or uni... Check with a financial planner to keep your EXW and tax man away from it. Everything helps, skip buying that coffee on the way to work and drink a free instant coffee at work... It all adds up.

The more you improve on yourself the better you will be. Get into physical shape, this should help with your mental shape. Take a good look at your finances (get help if needed) and reduce your debt, cut spending or spend smarter and if possible earn more. Try to call a truce with the Wicked Witch of the West that is the EXW.... Most important: Look after YOU, eat healthy and exercise!!! 

Thank you for all

these replies. Some are harsh, but probably true. 
 

UPDATE- 

3 days into NC my phone rings, her name on screen, I answer happily to show I am ok, and it’s my 4yr old step daughter, so excited to speak to me. Asked for FaceTime and in the 10ish mins she spoke with me she must have said she loved me 20 times. Asked where I was ( clearly not told which I was certain would have happened) as she was walking around the house I could see all photos of us are still in place...

I then spoke to step son (7) who also was saying he loved and missed me. Asked also where I was, what was I supposed to say, so I said I had been working late and instead of waking them all up I’ve been staying away. He bought that. 
call lasted 21 mins in all, I held it together although I was so emotional to see and speak with them and what they was saying was so lovely. 
WHY would she allow that call? 
surly if she didn’t want me involved she would be able to brush the kids off with excuses......?........

I waited 2 hours, I sent a simple text saying “thank you for allowing kids to call, it was lovely”

She replied, “fine”

I have left it....

 

CONFUSED. Don’t want to get hopes up, but......

[tart6245]

She needed a fix of some sort of contact. The fact she didn't elaborate aside from saying "fine" afterwards tells you all you need to know. 

[mark clemson]

WRT your XW, I've heard others here recommend something called grey-rocking, which is apparently a way to minimize contact (and thus interference) with X's. You might consider looking into that so that her ability to cause problems in your next relationship is limited.

[Upsetdan]

16 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

She needed a fix of some sort of contact. The fact she didn't elaborate aside from saying "fine" afterwards tells you all you need to know. 

To be honest, I have no clue. We are currently in the tightest Covid lockdown, she has had her 2 young children with her 24/7.... I am confused to why she has reached out without personally reaching out  

[tart6245]

12 minutes ago, Upsetdan said:

To be honest, I have no clue. We are currently in the tightest Covid lockdown, she has had her 2 young children with her 24/7.... I am confused to why she has reached out without personally reaching out  

Because it's easier for her to do that - to use the kids as an excuse - than it is for her to personally do that. Less pressure to say "they wanted to say hi." She just needed some type of contact with you to make her feel better. If she wanted to talk to you, she would and not be so short with you. 

[flitzanu]

disclaimer, i do not have kids.  i've dated girls with kids though.  they are not your kids.  i would advise against interacting with them, and advise to NOT let her use them as pawns and contact you, regardless of the reason.  doesn't matter if they miss you, doesn't matter if they are "just kids and don't understand" that's part of the deal.

she walked away, and YOU need to ignore her kids, or if they try again, you contact her and tell her that you're not playing the back and forth game with communicating with HER kids, because breaking up is breaking up.  she cut you out, that means ALL ties are cut.  

don't let her have both parts of the world you had together, she gets none of it.

[flitzanu]

Just now, flitzanu said:

disclaimer, i do not have kids.  i've dated girls with kids though.  they are not your kids.  i would advise against interacting with them, and advise to NOT let her use them as pawns and contact you, regardless of the reason.  doesn't matter if they miss you, doesn't matter if they are "just kids and don't understand" that's part of the deal.

she walked away, and YOU need to ignore her kids, or if they try again, you contact her and tell her that you're not playing the back and forth game with communicating with HER kids, because breaking up is breaking up.  she cut you out, that means ALL ties are cut.  

don't let her have both parts of the world you had together, she gets none of it.

and to add for emphasis, i don't care if you miss her kids.  she left you, she took them out of your life, and you need to also show her that this is from her decision, she doesn't get you as "daddy figure" for facetime anymore because she left you.

[JAKE022]

I dealing with something similar except kids and we have been living together for almost 3 years. She left unexpectedly, in the morning she told me she misses me as she went to her family for one day and than few hours later she told me she is not happy in our relationship, long story short, she just told me that its over for her, none of my argumentation is working, we are going to meet infee days but just to say goodbye with respect, same as you - i didnt know what happened but now im sure that it was lack of communication, from her side probably, she didnt tell you  what she doesn’t like in your relationship and finally she “exploded “ with bad emotions and made her decision, however i always believe that there are big chances to get back together if both people wants to work on this relationship, but thats just me, if i had to give the best advice is that you move on and see if she tries to contact you, keep your head up bro, we will just become stronger than ever after this !

Edited January 18, 2021 by JAKE022