xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 (edited) Hey all, thanks for taking the time to read this! I'll try and keep it short and to the point. I'm just after other peoples thoughts on what I'm about to share. 2yrs ago I found out my ex was cheating on me and had been throughout us buying a house together and even during pregnancy. This explains a lot of the mental abuse she gave me but she blamed it on the hormones of pregnancy at the time and I gave her the benefit of the doubt! We were together 8yrs. Long story short, she stopped me seeing my child who was around 6months old at the time I found out what she did, she also used him as a weapon to try and blackmail me into giving her the house. She sent people around to threaten me and then made up lies about domestic abuse. I went to court and proved my innocence but am still fighting for the house. Anyways, after 2yrs of not wanting to trust anyone I met somebody new. She was everything I wanted. It was like we were the same person. I was honest about everything I had been through from the start and she said she understood. Everything was fine up until about 8weeks ago when a lot of things started happening around me like people dying, family members dying, friends with problems etc. This sent my anxiety through the roof and I started petty arguments between us. Things like if she didn't say morning and then I saw she had been active on Facebook I'd question it. Or she went out with friends and after I didn't hear from her for 3hrs I 'jokingly' said she was ignoring me. Obviously I tried to make a joke about it but really it was what I wanted to say either way. And the last argument that caused her to leave me was discussing a day out for her daughter but obviously it's lockdown so she suggested a walk on the beach to which I said it was freezing out! She said to man up which made me angry. I flipped and said "don't tell me to man up, if I'm not man enough then don't be with me" - My previously mentioned Ex used to use this phrase on me all the time so obviously when I saw it again it got to me! At this point I'd like to point out that every argument we ever had were all on messages, never in person. I get insecure and caused the rows as a way of seeking reassurance instead of just asking for it! I'd kick up a fuss and rely on her saying what I wanted to hear. Yes, I know that sounds dumb or pathetic but after being put trough what I was previously I don't know any other way. I completely love and trust this new person but she saw it as me not trusting her, which I do understand why. I've tried to apologise to her and explain that I was seeking reassurance and admitted that I went about it the wrong way but she doesn't believe that I mean it or that I will change. I do now see that I've let the past affect me and I want nothing more than to show her that but she won't give me the chance! I am now being accused of Gaslighting her? It makes me feel sick because I know what it's like to go through that, my ex put me through it for years! So it hurts that she thinks that way about me! I honestly don't know what I should do. She let me in, she said she loved me and I met her whole family including her daughter which was a massive deal as the last person she was with left her because he 'couldn't be a***d being with someone who has a child' - even though he obviously knew she had one well in advance. It was only after meeting her a few times he said this. She said she'd only let someone meet her again if she was absolutely sure about them and she gave me that honour. It just doesn't make sense to me, to go through all of this just to practically ghost me because she thinks I was gaslighting her? I'm not saying I did nothing wrong, I know I let my past cause me anxiety and that caused the rows by me needing reassurance, but to say I was gaslighting her? I'm just interested in what people think and I'm happy to expand if anybody has any questions Edited January 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 (edited) In that entire diatribe of text you don't even acknowledge that you are aware of the pain you put her through after she trusted you enough to introduce her family, especially her daughter to you. The whole thing is about how much pain everyone ELSE caused YOU. Not a bit of concern her feelings and what you put her through. Edited January 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 14 hours ago, trident_2020 said: Not a bit of concern her feelings and what you put her through. I mean, I said I understood why she felt how she did and also said I've tried to apologise. This post was more about if people think I gaslighted her or not. Trust me, I am concerned that I hurt her and made her doubt my trust for her. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I cry most night thinking about it and the thought of her hating me keeps me awake! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) She has better boundaries then you do. She recognized that you still carry a ton of baggage from what happened before & she's done being punished for the crap your EX put you through. The last thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. You may change. With the help of competent therapists I sincerely hope you do but it will take more time then she cares to wait. Use her departure a catalyst to get help, finally heal & then move forward. No I don't think you gaslighted her but I think you are fooling yourself. You are not as OK or over the damage caused by the other EX. Edited January 9, 2021 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 51 minutes ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. BUT that is not true. You deliberately set out to confuse and upset her in order to make her pander to you and make you feel better. The worse she felt about some manufactured grievance, the better you felt as she would bend over backwards to please you. You caused instability and no doubt made her question her own sense of reality. She was going along as she always had been and then nothing was right and she ended up no doubt apologising for stuff she didn't understand. That is nasty stuff and you need to address that. You don't get away with blaming her for anything. Obsessing over the word gaslighting is just another way of trying to dodge the issue. Try manipulation, deviousness, unkindness, cruelty on for size... This is all on you. Get professional help is my advice. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 1 hour ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: I cry most night thinking about it and the thought of her hating me keeps me awake! Is this your way of demonstrating that you care about her and her feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 1 hour ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: I mean, I said I understood why she felt how she did and also said I've tried to apologise. This post was more about if people think I gaslighted her or not. How will our opinion on that help you, though? Let's say we all agree that you gaslighted her. Then what? Let's say we all disagree that you gaslighted her...then what? The point is that what matters is how she feels. She was unhappy and drained by your accusations, assumptions and "jokes." She didn't break up with you just because she felt gaslighted in that one conversation. She ended it because she was tired of dealing with your insecurity. This was cumulative. That's how it's possible for her to leave this relationship behind her. That sort of thing kills love and attraction, and here you are now. Now would be a great time to really address the pain caused by your ex. You evidently haven't truly done so if you're projecting all of this in subsequent relationships. She may be done for good, but you can make positive changes so that you next relationship doesn't implode the way this one did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: You don't get away with blaming her for anything. I didn't blame her for anything? I've said I caused the rows because I still let my past affect me 51 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: The point is that what matters is how she feels. She was unhappy and drained by your accusations, assumptions and "jokes." She didn't break up with you just because she felt gaslighted in that one conversation. She ended it because she was tired of dealing with your insecurity. This was cumulative. That's how it's possible for her to leave this relationship behind her. That sort of thing kills love and attraction, and here you are now. You're right. I just wish she would have told me all of this as it was happening. I mean, I should have realised it myself and never let it happen to begin with. I've just realised this too late 1 hour ago, trident_2020 said: Is this your way of demonstrating that you care about her and her feelings? I mean, I don't know how I can 'prove' it to you but this is a forum to be honest on and I can't do anything except tell you that Yes, of course I care about her feelings 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: You deliberately set out to confuse and upset her in order to make her pander to you and make you feel better Whenever I had my outburst they were in the moment and not pre-meditated. I didn't deliberately set out or plan it to be this way, it just happened. That isn't me trying to make excuses or justify it in any way. I can only tell you how it happened. I'm being honest to get honest opinions back. Everyone needs reassurance from time to time, I just went about it in the only way I knew how to. The way I've been conditioned to do so. Trust me, this has opened my eyes to how wrong I was and I hate myself for what I did. I carry the guilt with me all the time and rightly so. Whenever I think about how it made her feel it makes me feel sick. To know that I did that to somebody I love Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 1 minute ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: I mean, I don't know how I can 'prove' it to you but this is a forum to be honest on and I can't do anything except tell you that Yes, of course I care about her feelings You didn't answer the question. Your response to my question was a completely unrelated answer. So I'll ask you again. When you posted that you cry at night because she hates you, is that your way of saying you care about her feelings? A simple yes or no will suffice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 12 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: You didn't answer the question. Your response to my question was a completely unrelated answer. So I'll ask you again. When you posted that you cry at night because she hates you, is that your way of saying you care about her feelings? A simple yes or no will suffice. I cry about it because I know I hurt her. Because I'm ashamed of what I've done. So yes, I did think that conveyed the fact that I care about her and I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: I get insecure and caused the rows as a way of seeking reassurance instead of just asking for it! I'd kick up a fuss and rely on her saying what I wanted to hear. Yes, I know that sounds dumb Get this under control, e.g. via therapy, and you'll probably have much better relationships. In the meantime, I think the damage may be done with your current GF. Some people (probably most actually) have finite tolerance for this sort of stuff... Edited January 9, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 5 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Get this under control, e.g. via therapy, and you'll probably have much better relationships. In the meantime, I think the damage may be done with your current GF. Some people (probably most actually) have finite tolerance for this sort of stuff... Yeh, I am still going through court over the house with the previous ex so obviously it's hard to 'get over' when it's still ongoing. I only ever fished for reassurance 4 times in the 8months we were together, I know that is 4 times too many to begin with but it wasn't like a constant thing. Sometimes things popped into my head and instead of taking a step back and thinking about it logically I'd just blurt out what I was thinking at the time. I definitely need to get it under control. I was never like this until I was put through what I was. She really messed me up Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 1 hour ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: I cry about it because I know I hurt her. Because I'm ashamed of what I've done. So yes, I did think that conveyed the fact that I care about her and I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way I figured you'd respond along those lines. I don't believe for a single minute that you're crying because of the pain you caused her. I think you're crying because she hates you and doesn't want to be with you anymore and it continues to be all about YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 Just now, trident_2020 said: I figured you'd respond along those lines. I don't believe for a single minute that you're crying because of the pain you caused her. I think you're crying because she hates you and doesn't want to be with you anymore and it continues to be all about YOU. It's not just about me at all, yes I'm hurting but I also know I hurt her too and gave her reasons to doubt my trust. I feel guilty about that. I'm all up for constructive criticism, but calling me a liar isn't very helpful. I mean, if you're not going to believe my answer why ask the question to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 There's a difference between lying to others and lying to yourself. One is manipulative and intentional, the other is not. I'm just trying to get you to look at things from her perspective, that's all. You never seemed to be the least bit concerned about the hurt you were causing her until she dumped you. Now you're crying all night long about it. Or, you're crying because your needs aren't being met. You claim it's the former, I argue that it's the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 56 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: There's a difference between lying to others and lying to yourself. One is manipulative and intentional, the other is not. I'm just trying to get you to look at things from her perspective, that's all. You never seemed to be the least bit concerned about the hurt you were causing her until she dumped you. Now you're crying all night long about it. Or, you're crying because your needs aren't being met. You claim it's the former, I argue that it's the latter. Yeh I can see your point in fairness. But after every time it happened I was regretful and I know because it happened again it doesn't seem that way but I was. When we first split up you're right, I did just feel betrayed because she promised we could always talk things through. But obviously as time has gone on I do understand her side of it. She shouldn't have to be put through that because of MY past. She has a past too and not once did she use that against me. Believe me, I know this was all my own doing and yes, sometimes I cry because I miss her and for my own self needs, but most of the time I cry because I regret ever making her feel this way! Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 You're getting warmer. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 6 hours ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: I only ever fished for reassurance 4 times in the 8months we were together Hmm. Well fair enough. I'd say consider talking to a therapist to see what else might be going on in your approach. I'm not trying to say you or these actions a're 100% responsible for the breakup, it's normally two involved in making it work or not work. Also some people you don't really fully know how they really are as a partner until some time has passed. Still, you have to control what you CAN control in order to be a good partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 3 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I'm not trying to say you or these actions a're 100% responsible for the breakup, it's normally two involved in making it work or not work. It was this. She said it made her feel like I didn't trust her and I can see why! I let my anxiety from the past affect my future instead of focusing on what I had. It's not like I ever thought she was cheating or was leading me on or anything like that, I can't even explain WHY I felt I needed the reassurance. All she ever did was reassure me on her own accord, the same as I did for her. It was just these outbursts every now and then. The second I did it I would instantly apologise but I'd usually explain WHY I did it instead of apologising for how it affected her. I thought that by blaming my past somehow justified it and that would make it ok. Even in my apologies I made it about what I HAD BEEN THROUGH. I was an idiot. She didn't need me to try and justify it, she needed me to show her that I considered her feelings. The more time goes on the more I'm starting to realise this Link to post Share on other sites
Author xComfortablyNumbx Posted January 9, 2021 Author Share Posted January 9, 2021 I took her for granted Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 To post immediately above the last one: Okay. A chat room isn't a solid substitute for a therapist, but these sound like things to consider a therapist for processing through and get solutions for. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 16 hours ago, xComfortablyNumbx said: , I am still going through court over the house with the previous ex so obviously it's hard to 'get over' when it's still ongoing. Unfortunately it seems like you weren't really free and clear of emotional battles. Use this time to reflect on what you want to see going forward. It seems like you haven't really dealt with the previous situation, and when that happens, it turns into back-to-back headaches and heartaches. Link to post Share on other sites
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