Jojo27 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 Hi, please could I have your opinions to settle a dispute between myself and my husband. At a friends house as we were leaving, my husband said to me “what are you wearing, your PJs” referring to a dress I had on. Nobody laughed and I shrugged it off at the time. When we got home I said to him “I felt really uncomfortable that you said that in front of them” Husbands response he says I have no sense of humour as he was clearly just making a joke out of it. My thoughts I’ve said I feel uncomfortable about him saying that in front of our friends. Therefore in my mind he should apologise and we can move on. Instead he’s just adamant I have no sense of humour and I’m being ridiculous. He knows no one that would have an issue with it. What are your thoughts on this please? Honest opinions would be amazing 😉 Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 Your husband should apologize. He should make humorous remarks at his own expense next time, not yours. Clearly, no one else who heard it "had a sense of humor" either. Jokes made at someone else's expense aren't funny. I guess a lot of comedians make jokes at the expense of others so maybe that's why some feel it's OK. It's not. And, IMO, it's bad taste that comedians do it, too. It's cruel. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 I'm not big on apologies. Take your situation as the perfect example as to why. Your husband was clearly insensitive and hurt your feelings. If he said "I apologize" what would be different? Clearly he doesn't get it and he'll probably never get it and that's the bigger issue that needs to be addressed rather than pressuring him to spew a few meaningless words. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 You said what you had to say - no need to nag or silent treatment him now. Act normal. I think your husband should apologise. It should come from him though, after a period of self-reflecting. It's the first step. Nobody is above saying sorry. Then he should adjust his behaviour. If he doesn't? Well, can you live with an insensitive jerk intent on hurting your feelings in public for kicks? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 Jokes told a your expense or designed to put you down or humiliate you in public are now seen as a sign of emotional abuse. "But I was only joking" is the cover story and designed to allow them to get off with some pretty cruel stuff, under the umbrella of humour. Be aware. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 As he feels he's done nothing wrong, an apology would be meaningless. Is this type of comment from him a common thing? Or is he usually a great guy who messed up just this once? If it's the former, I'd suggest that a broader problem solving is in order. If it's the latter, I'd let it go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 (edited) If an apology is meaningful to her, then why shouldn't he do it? Edited January 8, 2021 by Emilie Jolie Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 An apology ISN"T meaningful to her, she just thinks it is. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 6 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: If an apology is meaningful to her, then why shouldn't he do it? But if he doesn't mean it, it is pointless. She wants him to acknowledge her hurt, her humiliation, her bruised feelings and damaged ego. He doesn't want to do that, as that makes him the bad guy... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 Interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 I agree with Elaine. Compare it to a kid who's made to apologise and stands there with arms crossed saying "sor-ry" with attitude. Everyone knows it's just lip service. An apology only has value if it's heartfelt, acknowledges the hurt caused AND is accompanied by behaviour change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Robhanes44 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 Your husband sounds insensitive and it was a rude comment to make in front of friends. He should apologize because he is wrong. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 Might as well say I want the husband to dance in a circle wearing a straw dress and yell "Yabba Dabba Do". You might get him to comply but it won't solve the underlying problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Whatever may put one of both partners in a social weaker view or position, hurt both as a team. Your husband should be the last one in doing such a thing. But the first to do the opposite, to hold your back anywhere, always and specially in front of others. The humour / joke ambiguity is a poor excuse and not at all a valid explanation. Ask and, if necessary, demmand a public appology about, in front of the same ones that witnessed what he told you. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) You're right - what he said was insensitive and he should apologize. However, not everyone understands this. I have been in situations where one partner was constantly making "jokes" at the expense of the others, and it's pretty uncomfortable. It's one thing to joke with and roast each other, but jabbing somebody in front of guests, without being part of a friendly back-and-forth, is not cool. You can try explaining that to him. "Yes, maybe no one was offended, but it hurt my pride and made me feel bad, and it's hurting my feelings, and as your wife that's reason enough to apologize. I apologize when I hurt your feelings even when I don't fully understand it, because I'm always sorry to do anything that hurts you." Edited January 9, 2021 by lana-banana 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) OP, there is some discussion on the thread, as you've probably noticed, about the fact some think an apology from your husband would be meaningless since it's assumed it would be done with his not being aware of the cruelty of his comment (supposed joke) about your outfit and regretting it. When I wrote that your husband should apologize intrinsic in the thought behind my opinion is that the statement of apology is that he should be able to be brought to an understanding of his misstep and do all he can do (acknowledge his mistake thereby humbling himself, which is one of the purposes of an apology) to make it right. Obviously he can't make it as if it never happened! That's not the point. He needs to at least demonstrate that he respects your feelings, whether or not he can comprehend why you may have felt disrespected. IMO, an apology would go a long ways toward accomplishing that as you posted you would like to receive one. And after all, YOU are the one who needs the apology, not us posters to whom some it would be meaningless. Since it would be meaningful to you, that's what matters and that is why he should do it. Of course, to apologize as a form, without authentic remorse for hurting you, is meaningless. But, it seems logical to me that if he would humble himself to apologize, surely the reason he would be doing it is because he realizes your feelings are hurt and wants to do all he can to atone. You feel disrespected. To take the opportunity to show respect by offering you something you would appreciate seems it would be a step in the direction of atonement for the two of you. Edited January 9, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, lana-banana said: You're right - what he said was insensitive and he should apologize. However, not everyone understands this. I have been in situations where one partner was constantly making "jokes" at the expense of the others, and it's pretty uncomfortable. It's one thing to joke with and roast each other, but jabbing somebody in front of guests, without being part of a friendly back-and-forth, is not cool. You can try explaining that to him. "Yes, maybe no one was offended, but it hurt my pride and made me feel bad, and it's hurting my feelings, and as your wife that's reason enough to apologize. I apologize when I hurt your feelings even when I don't fully understand it, because I'm always sorry to do anything that hurts you." This. And, OP, whether or not he understands how hurtful the comment was, to acknowledge he's sorry it hurt your feelings would be helpful, IMO. Edited January 9, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said: This. And, OP, whether or not he understands how hurtful the comment was, to acknowledge he's sorry it hurt your feelings would be helpful, IMO. And this makes all the difference in an apology too. To be able to express that they understand the hurt caused and recognise that they did the wrong thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) Has nothing to do with right/wrong, surveys or gathering a judge and jury . Read up on emotional and verbal abusive. That's more important than who's right who's wrong. Dressing up an insult as a joke is typical emotional abuse with the built-in double insult of having no sense of humor. Don't expect apologies from someone whose intent it was to hurt you. His remark is not a simple faux pas nor an isolated event. When you read up on emotional abuse, you'll see it's been going on insidiously for a while. Privately and confidentiality talk to a therapist to get some perspective. And don't email him this thread to prove anything. You need to start understanding the toxic dynamic in your marriage Edited January 9, 2021 by Wiseman2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) once, meh, but a second time, boorish.... ask him what he wants to see you wear, since he is the one who has to look at you :} he will not admit to being wrong.... but tell him to buy you an outfit he prefers.... arguing may start a slippery slope to divorce, which saddens me if he was drunk and then kidded himself as a wit, then perhaps he should take improv lessons Edited January 9, 2021 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Making jokes at each others expense seems to be something that varies from couple to couple. So for example; "what are you wearing, your PJs?" "yeah, figured I'd get comfortable, not like you've got the wood for anything else tonight". Some people just like hanging s*** on each other. What's more important is that whether he meant it or not, he hurt your feelings. When you hurt people you care about, you offer an apology, because the alternative message is; "f*** your feelings. I don't care that I hurt you. My view of things is the only valid one, so deal with it". Doesn't seem very loving to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Yes, it's inappropriate. But consider this......... people make off handed remarks sometimes (Trump does it a lot!). People are not perfect. You are not perfect. If this is a rare occurrence, I would consider forgetting it. You have to pick your battles in relationships. Let sleeping dogs lie. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 He was trying to make a joke but all he did was insult you. Because he hurt you, if he loves you he needs to BE sorry for the pain he caused & become more mindful not to do it again in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Your story made me go 20 years back when I was with my ex-husband. He was big on making fun of me 'as jokes' in front of friends until one day one of our friends told him, in front of everybody, that his jokes at my expense were not funny, they were degrading and hurtful to me and hurtful to all of them caring for me as a friend. It was the end of it, my ex-husband stopped from there. I had told him several times his stupid jokes were hurtful and I was his *wife* not his buddy! he never acknowledged his behavior was hurtful before that day, only when he was confronted by outsiders he caught on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 I refuse to believe a man is so dense as to make a derogatory "joke" about his wife's appearance and then expect her to be happy about it. He knew exactly what he was doing. Women, in general love clothes and take great care about their appearance and want to be complimented on it. They are often judged on their appearance and do not need to be stabbed in the back by their SO. Here he chose his target and then waited till his barb would achieve maximum impact, ie in front of all the friends at departure. I guess that was not an "innocent" coincidence... Pulled up on it, he resorted to blaming the victim for her lack of a sense of humour...OP There is at the very least, resentment built up in your husband. Take heed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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