Holiday adventure stuck in my mind. I want it again.

[TabithaRI]

I don’t generally seek out forums for advice but I’m at a loss here with no-one I trust to talk to. To explain that very briefly I have no siblings and both my parents have gone, I have my husband and my two best friends (and their husbands) and I trust them all implicitly. I would step in front of a bullet for any of them but I can’t talk to them about this because it involves them. So with that out of the way I’ll try to briefly explain where I am, what happened and then seek hopefully learned opinions.

My two girlfriends and I are all in our late 30’s / early 40’s and have been friends since school. We have always been very close, I would say closer than sisters but to be honest I’m just mimicking their words saying that because I have nothing to compare to in that regard, suffice to say we are close. Naturally as boyfriends became husbands that circle grew and we are all very close now.

About 18 months ago we decided to go on the trip of a lifetime, 4 months travelling the world, we had the kids with us for the first 6 weeks and then it was just us. That’s when things got a little weird, well a lot weird really. For no reason other than alcohol and drugs we all decided that seeing as though we had this massive bed, bigger than a king, that we would all have sex on it with our own partners at the same time. That happened. All boundaries were respected. But it set in motion a chain of events that has left me not knowing what I want anymore. For that nest 6 weeks we basically became swingers, there were no taboos, no restrictions, no rules and we all went at it like immature schoolkids. The holiday ended, the big discussion was had, and it was decided that whilst we loved it, this was a one off, never again arrangement that is not to be spoken about. At the time I agreed with that.

Now here I am and I can’t lie to myself anymore, I want it again! I had been with no man except my husband for 17 years, I had never been with a woman. I love my husband dearly but that experience has changed me, I did things I never dreamed of, I felt things I never knew I could, I just want to keep the experience alive. I have twice tried to talk about what happened with my girlfriends with the hope of leading in to how I feel now but they are sticking steadfast to our agreement to not talk. And now I’m here.

I don’t know what to do. I need to be honest with my husband but I fear this could drive him away, or it could open a whole new chapter of our lives, but I’m so scared to take that chance.  Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, I’m sure there are plenty of people repressing desires for the sake of a marriage. Maybe I suggest another holiday with the hope someone else raises the issue. Maybe I steer away from those I know and hope my husband will be willing to seek out new people with me. I know ultimately any decision will need to be my own but I’m hoping someone might just have that gem of wisdom that resonates with me and helps me sort myself out before I ruin everything.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, TabithaRI said:

I don’t know what to do. I need to be honest with my husband but I fear this could drive him away, or it could open a whole new chapter of our lives, but I’m so scared to take that chance.  Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, I’m sure there are plenty of people repressing desires for the sake of a marriage. Maybe I suggest another holiday with the hope someone else raises the issue. Maybe I steer away from those I know and hope my husband will be willing to seek out new people with me. I know ultimately any decision will need to be my own but I’m hoping someone might just have that gem of wisdom that resonates with me and helps me sort myself out before I ruin everything.

I don't know about a gem of wisdom that's a "magic fix" but:

- Realize people can have relative hyper- and hypo-sexual phases in their life, so this interest MAY fade given some time (maybe a few years).

- IMO, you should figure out what you really want. THEN talk to (or not talk to) your husband.

- Understand that yes it IS a risk, there's a very real chance it will harm or possibly end your marriage. Some might say it already has to a certain extent since you are now "craving" this. However, there are also potential rewards IF your marriage can handle it.

- I don't practice polyamory, but from what I have heard, things like throupleing and more stable polyamory relationships tend to be less risky for the marriage than outright swinging, although I don't think there's actual data available on this.

- IF you decide to go forward with it, suggest trying to be VERY clear to your husband that you value the marriage ABOVE any of this. Hopefully he will understand and also feel the same way - that's by no means guaranteed.

- IF you decide to go forward, suggest you read The Ethical Slut, which despite the title is a well-regarded book on polyamory, and there are web sites such as xeromag .org that also have resources. Suggest you be cautious with anything that emphasizes "rewards" without real acknowledgement of the risks.

- What is it you're REALLY looking for here? IMO that is an important question, that you should feel you know the REAL answer to in all of this BEFORE moving forward.

[Wiseman2]

Talk to your husband about threesomes, swinging, open relationships, etc. 

Get tested for STDs and don't do drugs around your kids.

If you are interested in group sex, make sure your kids are at the baby sitter.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

First and foremost, I would not propose the idea of another vacation to your friends. They've made it clear that they don't even want to talk about this, so please do respect that boundary. You might otherwise find those friendships compromised. 

Next, ask yourself what you felt that you don't feel in your marriage. Are you bored? Sexually interested in women? Curious about other men? What is it you feel this experience provided you that you are lacking in your day-to-day relationship with your husband? 

Then - how did your husband feel about this experience? You say you all agreed to not speak about it anymore with one another, but surely you have some idea of what your husband took away from this. Did he enjoy it? 

[EverythingToGive]

First, I should say that this is my first post on this site. Your story about discovering a new part of your sexuality was inspirational, maybe aspirational, and I felt inclined to respond!

Your experience, despite the difficult feelings and thoughts it led to, sounds incredible! To be able to explore parts of yourself in that way is something that, I'm sure, many of us wish for but may never have the opportunity. I just want to take a moment to recognize that positive aspect of your story. I'll admit that I read the "good part" once or twice! Setting aside any fallout or emotional distress, those are experiences that you can hold onto forever. 

I agree with the folks above that said to be clear with what this means for yourself. That might not be a straight-forward process, particularly if introspection is not something that comes to you naturally. Regardless of what action you take or don't, understanding the changes that this experience catalyzed is vital. Whether that leads to a change in your relationship or not, the value of understanding yourself better cannot be understated. And, again, this kind of experience is not common so it could lead to a lot of important knowledge. Embrace that!

Whether or not you should talk about this with your husband feels like a hard thing to give advice about as someone who knows nothing more than what you posted here. Maybe you communicate openly already and maybe you've already talked about hard things, which would make this kind of conversation easier. Or maybe not. Either way, though, I think there are ways to gently approach this subject without being too direct (or too indirect). 

You mentioned talking to your friends about it but have you asked him how he felt about it? Is that taboo? Could you say something like "Do you remember when [[insert something you've been thinking about]] happened? I've never done that before and I'm not sure what to think about it!" to start a conversation? In other words, can you two talk about the experience without talking about what it means or whether or not it can happen? It seems like that could open lines of communication. 

I would suggest that if even that is hard or impossible that you might have your answer about whether this could be a part of your sex life. I will say that I have skirted a few risqué topics with my partner and gotten enough information to know that exploring it any further would be unproductive at best.

If you do get to a point where you can share some of your feelings, I would suggest being very clear (assuming this is true) that your marriage is more important than exploring anything that makes him uncomfortable. What I mean is that a conversation like that could come across as you declaring your intension indirectly, rather than bringing up a possible option. Think about it like a different sexual fantasy that does not have the kind of stigma or implications that other partners has. Like if you were into role-playing. That's probably something you could bring up without your husband thinking that you had one foot out the door. If you make it clear that this is not a deal-breaker (again, assuming that it isn't), then he might be more comfortable talking about it.

Once again, I just want to say that there are probably more people than just myself reading that and thinking "wow, I would love to have an experience like that in my life." I can completely relate to having a different picture of intimacy than your partner, I've lived with that for a while. I'll say that, so far, open communication has been important, even if it has not solved the main problems (yet). 

Take care and good luck with however you explore this!

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @TabithaRIjust curious reading you story if they was any update on your situation have you talked to your husband yet? or any luck with either of your female friends?