He's at it again

[Pink50]

Just after some advice. I found out last summer my husband had been messaging a co worker for 7 months. These messages are clearly that they are attracted to each other. They included pictures and are sexual. But they messaged everyday and talked a lot of everyday stuff. They work very closely with each other. 

We are trying to build our marriage back up again and he said he will look for another job, come off social media and promised me the messages have stopped. They still work together and it hurts me that they spend time together each day. Things were going good but now I have found they are still messaging most days through a new email he has set up. 

It looks like they haven't met up but have done somethings at work. Why would over a year later he still message if he doesnt love or care about her. 

Do you think he has feeling for her? 

[Xerad]

The elements of an affair are secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual attraction. 

The only question remains is if they are in a physical or emotional affair. 

Your move is to blow the affair up, make it public, and you do that by notifying her spouse if she has one. You'll need copies of their sexual conversations. Do you want to make it public at his workplace? 

You see, friends text once a week or once a month, whatever. Lovers text every day for hours a day.

 

[Pink50]

They are definitely in an emotional affair but don't think it's turned physical yet but the messages clearly indicate that it will. Opportunities are hard for them to meet.  

I wouldn't let work know as they both work in professional roles and I don't think that is right. 

When I found out the first time I never spoke to her husband but I thought it was over as my husband was doing everything right. But now he has gone to more lengths to hide it and for over a year. 

Why would he risk it all again and for only an emotional affair if he didn't love her? 

[princessaurora]

He needs to find another job asap so he can go NC with her. As long as he's still exposed to her, the temptation will be there. It's like someone who goes on a diet and gives up ice cream, but leaves it in their freezer. They're seeing it everyday and may even take off the lid and smell it because it's so damn tempting. You know one day they're not going to be able to resist anymore and they're going to eat the whole dang pint. He needs to cut all ties with her now or he'll never be able to truly devote himself to working things out with you. Make that abundantly clear to him and if he doesn't take action, tell her husband what's going on, send him the proof, and blow this thing wide open. 

[Xerad]

6 hours ago, Pink50 said:

Why would he risk it all again and for only an emotional affair if he didn't love her? 

You have to find out if he's in love or in lust or in limerence. All three are different things and require different strategies. 

 

Many of these coworker affairs seem to happen almost accidentally. No one wanted to cheat, no one expected to cheat, and maybe even was disgusted by those who DO cheat. Proximity is everything. Affairs start with conversation. Getting to know someone and them getting to know you.

You meet someone and spend time with them, usually at work, the gym, your neighborhood, etc.

You find that you like spending time with them, that you look forward to your encounters with them. They start to occupy a larger part of your mind. Maybe you're sending them cute texts, funny messages on social media, talking a lot by email. Still all innocent. You are now officially at risk for an affair.

Then as the bonds between you and your new friend strengthen, you talk about more intimate things, dreams, hopes, disappointments. You show your best self, the sparkling charmer that your spouse rarely sees as you go through the daily grind of everyday life. It's hard to stop talking to your friend because it feels good. You feel you deserve this. This wonderful person understands you like no one you've met before. You decide to keep your friendship from your spouse because it's still innocent. You feel you haven't done anything. At this point, if you want to stay in your existing relationship, you'd better stop all contact with this exciting tantalizing alluring creature. You don't. No one will know. You can handle things.

They admire you, tell you how great you are, and if feels like water on a hot day. The innocent coffee/lunches turn into a dinner date after working late.  It turns physical. Maybe someone sends a saucy text and then you are frantically sexting most of the day. You are now giving this person the attention and desire that you promised your spouse. The longer time the couple fights off the urge to have the first kiss, the more explosive the feelings when they finally do. The first kiss is usually followed relatively quickly by consummation of the sexual act.

This is about how most garden variety affairs happen. It's usually at a time when one or both partners in the relationship are going through stress, maybe bored, maybe money problems, maybe nothing at all. The affair partner is not inherently better, they are simply different.

 

It's so damn easy to start an affair, but it's usually going to ruin lives to end it.

Edited January 10, 2021 by Xerad
spelling

[Pottering About]

Hi Pink50, very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, particularly where, having been found out once, your husband has lied to you, maintained or developed the relationship and has shown little or no regard for your feelings. In fact his levels of subterfuge and deceit have gone deeper.and become more deliberate.

Can I ask the one question that you have not asked - why do you want to stay married to him? 
 

What are the pros and cons of you either staying or divorcing and which option outweighs the other?

As they work together, how much actual value is there in him deleting his social media accounts when they inter-act at work? You say they have done things at work, doesn’t that tell you something?

You ask if he loves her but also say the deceit has been going on for over a year. I am sorry to say this but I think you already know the answer to this one.

With regard to exposing the affair, I think it depends on what you want to do. If you want to stay married, would exposure to the OW’s husband risk their marriage breaking down, leaving her free to develop a full blown affair with your husband.

If you don’t want to stay married, then personally, I would most certainly get advice from a divorce lawyer before you do anything. They may suggest using the threat of exposure to the OW’s family, their social circle, work etc as leverage in any divorce settlement.
 

Either way, I would suggest you start preparing for the worse whilst hoping for the best. Get your finances sorted out, sort out where you stand with debts and assets, plan what you would do if your marriage does break down etc. There are  many on here who can give you very good advice about this.

Good luck and remember to put your happiness and mental health first! 

 

 

[BaileyB]

This would be pretty disheartening to me...

Once, you can decide to work on your marriage. But, to go through what has essentially been a false reconciliation only to learn that he is still engaging in the offending behavior... he is still is regular contact with the woman...

I would be doing some pretty serious thinking, if for no other reason than I simply couldn’t love the rest of my life wondering what my partner is doing and with whom. I’m sorry.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Pink50 said:

 Do you think he has feeling for her? 

Sorry this is happening. It doesn't matter how he feels about her.

He's lying to you and betraying you. He doesn't want to fix the marriage. 

How did you come about these emails?

You're in pain, understandably. This adds another layer of betrayal and just how bad he is and just how willing he is to just lie to your face.

Sadly you're also in denial. You're bargaining. You're wondering if he'll leave. You're wondering how long it will last. You're trying to convince yourself if it's just a fling it will pass and he won't leave me.

The sad part is ,it doesn't matter how he feels about her. The saddest part is that you can't trust him and not only is he ready willing and able to stab you in the back, he's ready willing and able to just keep doing it.

Talk to a therapist confidentiality. Also consult an attorney confidentiality for info/advice.

[Pink50]

He deleted all social media to show me he won't have contact out of work with her. They used that to message the first time.

I found the email as it was on his work laptop when he was in the shower. I noted it down as he has clearly opened a new account. Used an easy password that he uses for other stuff so I was able to login in when he was asleep. 

I don't want to give up on our marriage as I love him, have children and I honestly thought he was doing everything to save our marriage. 

I just can't get over that it's gone on for over a year and no sex. I'm starting to realise that you surely can't do that long with no feelings if it's not just about having sex. 

[Pottering About]

I understand how you feel and you must do what is right by you. However, I worry for you as

 

a) I don’t think this is going to stop and will probably only escalate; and

b) no one wants you to look back on your life with regret or be blind sided if he ups and leaves you.

Good luck in the future but I would strongly urge you, as I said before, to be prepared for the worse but hope for the best.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, Pink50 said:

I don't want to give up on our marriage as I love him, have children and I honestly thought he was doing everything to save our marriage. 

Your husband knows this. He knows no matter how long he carries on with romantic relation(s) outside your marriage that there will be no consequences for him. He believes you are too comfortable or afraid to rock the boat too much. His behavior indicates these points.

You'd have to get very tough with him, set strong boundaries with consequences, and be ready to act on those consequences. Otherwise, he'll continue to engage in extramarital escapades. If not with this woman, then he'll do it with another. He's established a pattern now. That pattern includes overriding your concerns, your well-being, your emotional needs, as well as being selfish and deceptive. See the truth of who he is and what he's capable of so you can make clear, logical decisions for yourself and your kids. 

[Crazelnut]

To your original question: who cares if he LOVES her? He is in an affair with her, complete with sexting.  He's doing nothing to save your marriage, and everything to destroy it. Tell me, why do you want to stay with a man who lies to your face, actively pursues an illicit affair right under your nose, and completely disrespects you and your family? You've given him no consequences for cheating a year ago. If you don't do something this time, resign yourself to a life of being cheated on.

My advice: Make sure you take screenshots of the messages. Liars are slimy enough to delete all the evidence and lie about its very existence. Go see a lawyer -- not to start separation, but to just get info on options IF things go south.  Then get your evidence and tell him it's time to stop it or get out. You should have access to every device he touches. He needs to get IC and eventually MC with you. You need to be clear that if he doesn't stop, you'll take the kids and divorce him. And you have to mean it.  Give him the option of transparency and fidelity or divorce. There can be no middle ground, sweetie, no matter how much you love him. 

Edited January 10, 2021 by Crazelnut

[pepperbird2]

All I can say is that you shouldn't have to be in a marriage where you can't trust your spouse. He is clearly lying to you, and I expect that what you've seen is just the tip of the iceberg. It's very easy to buy a  burner phone, set up new accounts etc.

If you feel like telling her spouse ( is she's married) go ahead, but it won't really change much. This is about your husband's spoor choices, lack of boundaries and overall sneaky character.

[Xerad]

There are a lot of people on this forum who seem to want you to D because your H is a liar and cheat. It may well come to that regardless of what you want. 

I think you ought to protect yourself first. Start moving money to accounts in your own name in case it comes to the point he would drain your joint accounts. See an attorney to get a view of what happens if he tells you he's in love, needs to marry his schmoopie, so you have to disappear please and thank you.

If it comes to that, those two are going to view you as the enemy and will treat you accordingly. See an attorney. You don't have to do anything about it, but this way, if he drops a bomb on you, you will not be playing catch up. 

Get a test for STDs and STIs. You are right. This is an awfully long time in affair time for it to have gone on with no sex.

Your H is going to stay in this affair whether emotional or physical, until the risks/pain outweigh the benefits. 

So you have to get your proof together, inform the other betrayed spouse and make your H believe WITH NO ROOM FOR DOUBT, that you will divorce him if the affair does not stop immediately. 

He sends a no contact (NC) letter. You watch him write it and send it. No codes. No promises of the future. No "my wife thinks/says we should." Me, personally, would have all his laptops, phone, any means of communication in my possession for at least 24 hours  to monitor how badly she tries to get a hold of him. 

A decent NC letter would go like this:

It does not start with Dear Sally. Or whatever the slut's name is. It is curt. It is to be sent with you witnessing it.

(Name of affair partner) I have decided to end our relationship and work on my marriage. I love my wife and her only. My actions hurt my wife deeply and I'm resolved to make it up to her. From now on our work relationship is to be strictly professional and any personal contact with you is finished. I will inform my wife of any attempt by you to contact me. (Name of husband)

If he's supposed to be looking for another job, I'd verify that (they lie all the time) AND I'd still have a talk with their Human Resources department. Nowadays most companies have some sort of sexual harassment policy in place. You see, any inappropriate relationship has the potential to become a future harassment claim and they may be helpful in changing work schedules, offices, locations. Be prepared for termination, but as you said, he's supposed to be looking for another job.

[merrmeade]

On 1/10/2021 at 4:44 AM, Pink50 said:

He deleted all social media to show me he won't have contact out of work with her. They used that to message the first time.

I found the email as it was on his work laptop when he was in the shower. I noted it down as he has clearly opened a new account. Used an easy password that he uses for other stuff so I was able to login in when he was asleep. 

I don't want to give up on our marriage as I love him, have children and I honestly thought he was doing everything to save our marriage. 

I just can't get over that it's gone on for over a year and no sex. I'm starting to realise that you surely can't do that long with no feelings if it's not just about having sex. 

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be cruel, but it's necessary for you to look at the reality of what he actually has done - not what you thought he was doing.

"He deleted all social media to show me he won't have contact out of work with her." That was then. This is now. He's gone behind your back and tried to hide it with a new account.

"I don't want to give up on our marriage as I love him, have children..." Apparently, it does not matter what you want. That did not stop him.

"I honestly thought he was doing everything to save our marriage." I'm sorry that you were wrong, but that is what cheating means. You didn't know and trusted him. He was counting on your trust to keep you in the dark. He betrayed your trust.

"I just can't get over that it's gone on for over a year and no sex." And you're sure about the no sex part? An unconsummated emotional relationship increases sexual tension and desire. 

There are several things you can do, but forgiving him before he's gone through the steps of realizing that he could lose his marriage and family (and, therefore, be publicly shamed)  should not be one of them.  I know because I did it and dozens and dozens of stories on this forum later and my own experience have taught me that it making it easy on the cheater does no one in the situation any favors. Not even the children. 

You will be coming to terms with what all this means over the next few days and weeks, but the fact is that he has betrayed and deceived you - twice, actions that cannot be undone. Moreover, the second time he knew how much pain and anguish it caused you, but he did it again anyway and went to greater lengths to hide it. At the very least he has intentionally, calculatedly deceived and betrayed you. You do him no favors by making it easy for him to hide it and feign remorse again. The fact is this proves him untrustworthy.  By forgiving him before he's even had a chance to wake up to the damage he's caused, you will not get the accountability you must have. He needs to feel the full extent of what he's done. 

[S2B]

On 1/10/2021 at 2:44 AM, Pink50 said:

He deleted all social media to show me he won't have contact out of work with her. They used that to message the first time.

I found the email as it was on his work laptop when he was in the shower. I noted it down as he has clearly opened a new account. Used an easy password that he uses for other stuff so I was able to login in when he was asleep. 

I don't want to give up on our marriage as I love him, have children and I honestly thought he was doing everything to save our marriage. 

I just can't get over that it's gone on for over a year and no sex. I'm starting to realise that you surely can't do that long with no feelings if it's not just about having sex. 

You did not think he was working on the marriage.

he never quit the job he promised to leave.

he didn’t DO what he promised to fix what he ruined.

the affair is still alive and thriving.

divorce him - he doesn’t intend to change!

[trident_2020]

On 1/9/2021 at 2:26 PM, Pink50 said:

Do you think he has feeling for her? 

It's of much greater concern that you don't seem to know the answer to this question.

It's sort of like saying "Is there a big white elephant in the living room" when in fact there's a big white elephant in the living room.

 

[sandylee1]

Do you have a deal breaker? Because it doesn't seem to phase him...or he thinks he's covered his tracks this time. 

Being the marriage police is not fun. 

[S2B]

Seems he will hurt you as long as you stay with him.

why haven’t you left him?

[ctdans]

Go public.  Send that email to her husband and ask him what he thinks about this "affair".  Also share it with family to out him.  If he wants her he will admit it and leave.  If he wants you he will cut this off now.

[World Peace Guy]

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest a crazy solution. Obviously, it is a terrible situation. You might as well face it, he's never going to be faithful to you. Even so, ending it, is bad for the kids. I imagine your lonely. The other spouse is also lonely. So maybe you and the other spouse should get together to ease both your loneliness, and maybe be able to save the kids from the misery of divorce. It's crazy, but, you don't really have any real good options.