Are female narcissists different from male ones?

[JohnJohn]

After writing my first post on here a couple days ago, I thought that I would expand on here for some more insight into the fascinating, yet horrible to actually experience dealing with, world of the narcissist. My ex-girlfriend fits a true N perfectly, however I notice her characteristics differ than those from other posts on here relating to male N’s. I’ve come to the opinion that female N’s are more likely to be more covert in their abuse than males, who seem to prefer direct,overt attacks more often. However, I realize it can go both ways.

 

She would say things like “ I realize I am far from perfect already and I don’t need you to keep reminding me of that”. I’ve banged my head against the wall trying to figure out when I ever told her that she wasn’t perfect. I know I didn’t. In fact I told her that she was “perfect” for me many times.

 

Also, my ex-N was extremely hypersensitive to criticism. I never criticized her directly. In fact, I always complimented her. Hence being her source of “narcissistic supply”. The only remotely possible way I criticized here was when I was attempting to communicate with her and told her that I wanted her to open up more and tell me more about her life. Geez how terrible is that? Of course, she took this as a criticism even though it was constructive and had a positive benefit to it as far as the relationship goes. How can they not see it that way? Amazing. I’m a bad guy for telling her that I’d like her to open up more with me about her past or feelings and it’s construed as me criticizing her.

 

I believe you can trace anyone’s personality, or personality disorder, to childhood. I tried to remember anything she told me (which was few and far between) about that. The one thing that stuck out was that while we were still dating, she mentioned that her father had avoided her at a family get together -–he purposely waited until after my ex had gone for him to arrive. That in itself is a form of emotional abuse. I asked her for the reason as to why and she said that it is because she is divorced and that still doesn’t sit well with her father, a devout Irish Catholic. Since he still holds this animosity towards her, I wonder if that is why she abused me. Doesn’t abuse breed abuse? She also made numerous comparisons to me as how I am like her father in certain ways. As far as the perfection thing goes, the father is also a surgeon – someone of whom “perfection” is necessary in that line of work. So I wonder if this is where she developed her narcissism – from a parent that had unrealistic demands on his children to be “perfect”. I read that narcissists almost always have unresolved issues with the opposite sex parent. Has anyone else experienced something similar in their past dealings with a N that they concluded could have resulted from family? And is the reason why N's emotionally withdraw because they are actually afraid that you will find them to be not perfect?

[JS17]

Oh John...I know what it's like to try to understand a narcissist but the best thing you can do is just to forget about the whole thing. You will waste hours upon hours upon hours trying to figure them out and at the end of the day you still won't know what happend. It is important to understand what went wrong in a relationship so long as there is actually a reason. Narcissism is not logical, it is the reason. There is nothing you could have done, she would have acted this way eventually. The answer I would give you to both of your questions is yes. Then I would say to you, I didn't care enough to figure out the end result because I realized he wasn't worth the time I was wasting. He certainly wasn't sitting around thinking about me. I suggest you do the same.

[JohnJohn]

Thanks again JS17. I do understand that, but for me it's easier said than done. I have one of those analytical minds that has to figure something out. I'm getting there slowly but surely. Sometimes what stinks is I take two steps forward and then one back. That's probably normal but it stinks nonetheless.

[JS17]

Thanks again JS17. I do understand that, but for me it's easier said than done. I have one of those analytical minds that has to figure something out. I'm getting there slowly but surely. Sometimes what stinks is I take two steps forward and then one back. That's probably normal but it stinks nonetheless.

 

Well all I can tell you is that you're not alone. Its easier said than done for many people, that's why there's an entire section devoted to coping. I am very similar, I have an analytical mind and need to have answers. I think you're pretty normal you just need to let the process take it's course.

[JohnJohn]

Yes indeed. Now I am going to concentrate on breaking a pattern as to why I attract these types of relationships. I think I will create my own dating website called narcissistsingles.com so that way they can stick to their own and leave caring folks like us alone. ha ha

[johan]

Sounds a lot like my ex. It's such a disappointment when you finally have to admit that it's hopeless. Or at least give up. I still have hope, but I'm doing nothing to get back with her.

 

My ex had much conflict with her father when she was growing up. And her past was largely a mystery to me. She never could dig very deep in introspection. She HATED criticism. Any mention of imperfection set her off. Or at least anything I said that she took that way. She could be really cool about some things, which would weird me out.

 

She's so resistant to facing any kind of imperfection in herself, I don't think it's very likely that she'd have the humility to call me and ask to maybe work things out. She wasn't all bad, but she definitely was not able to let our relationship move forward.

[In Sync]

The guy I was with was a classic Narcissist. The guy had a god-like superiority complex, he literally said to me (and he was quite serious) I am a Person of Superior Intellect. Never would he say it in front of others but whenever I was conflicted or confused or in doubt of my own self. He could not tolerate criticism at all. Zero tolerance, because everyone was beneathe him, mind you he also accomplished very little. Whenever you would ask what he doing, "I'm busy." Usually busy with weird s*** like poker playing on line or binging of food or dieting like crazy because he was constantly comparing himself to others and had to look good. Narcissistic also blow up out of the blue leaving you shocked and confused to the point that you are apologizing for upsetting them even when you haven't. You can not I repeat YOU CANNOT rationalize a relationship with them. They are clever at twisting things around and you become confused sorting out the real from the distorted. RUN LIKE HELL from one. There's loads of info on line about Narcissist and their behavior and trust me, if your guts says it feels like you're involved with one you most likely are.

[JohnJohn]

Sounds a lot like my ex. It's such a disappointment when you finally have to admit that it's hopeless. Or at least give up. I still have hope, but I'm doing nothing to get back with her.

 

Yes I know what you mean. It's so confusing to see how a person can be like this...Dr. Jekyll and then Mr. Hyde. I have had no contact for two months. The relationship ended with her not getting back to me and I just let it go. The door is still open but she must contact me. I've said and done everything I can. I doubt that she will contact as well. People like this blame you for everything and cannot see their part in things which is why it is much more likely that they will move on and find their next "victim" than come back to us. But that outcome is for the best. It's just hard to come to terms with it, I know.

[JohnJohn]

You can not I repeat YOU CANNOT rationalize a relationship with them. They are clever at twisting things around and you become confused sorting out the real from the distorted. RUN LIKE HELL from one. There's loads of info on line about Narcissist and their behavior and trust me, if your guts says it feels like you're involved with one you most likely are.

 

You're right. I've done all the reading and realize it now. It has just been hard to come to terms with it all. I thought I was over-reacting to all this at first, but am now finally starting to realize that I am not.

 

The twisting of things was the most confusing. My head was spinning. It's amazing how they can "revise history" and turn it into your fault so quickly. If they'd only channel these talents to something more positive and productive.....

[scobro]

My ex same thing.She had an abusive alcoholic father who she really lost respect for and when I began dating her she started talking to him again.Her past is why she is so emotionally unavailable and has been why we have been married twice now and each year same time of year funny enough she has out of the blue said she is not happy and eneded our marriage.She keeps everything inside acts totally normal then when she has no feelings ended it without ever talking to me that she was un-happy.I traced back e-mails from the last 4 weeks we were "together" things like I love you so much etc were at the end of all e-mails even listings of new houses for possible move.We were also trying to have a baby so that is also how I got so blind sided 3 days before she ends the marriage we are at the doctors office holding hands booking appointments for fertility tests.Its amazing how someone can act normal and be so emotionally disconnected.My mother was over and she thinks my wife has a personality disorder all she did was talk about how excited she was to be trying to get preganant then 2 weeks later she ends her marriage and hits the bar scene with her friends and is now dating someone its unbelievable how people have no compassion for other people it's always all about them

[JohnJohn]

Its amazing how someone can act normal and be so emotionally disconnected.

 

This is still what I struggle with, even though I have done extensive reading on it and somewhat understand it. They are the best actors out there and ought to be in Hollywood. In fact, ironically, I read that a lot of actors/actresses are Narcissistic.

 

Anyway, the best advice is to rid them of your life even though it hurts like crazy and take a while to get over. I've finally realized that I cannot change or fix her. At first I was sympathetic of her past problems and tried to work on it with her. She didn't want to share or open up and kept abusing me. I know I at least tried my best now looking back on it.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Baz]

Have you checked out Histrionic PD? This may help answer your original question.

[JohnJohn]

Have you checked out Histrionic PD? This may help answer your original question.

 

Yes I did, thanks. She has some tendencies there. Also Borderline PD as well. A lot of the PD's have over-lapping characteristics I've noticed. I've now realized though that it isn't too important to self-diagnose which PD it is, but rather reinforce that the breakup was for the best. Abuse is abuse no matter what the label is. Thanks for your input.