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What AP of 10 years says to me when he thinks he's dying


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so AP of 10 years has covid. He’s not feeling well and says he thinks he’s dying (he’s not he’s just sick and scared). So On his proverbial “deathbed” these were his only words to me: 

im sorry I have to delete the app we use to communicate in case I go in the hospital Amd don’t come out. 
and ~
please make sure anything at work cannot be traced back to you and I being together there physically 

that’s it. Those were his words to me should he not make it or see me again after 10 years we have been in an affair. I said to him so after 10 years together, the only thing left to say to me is to please make sure no one can find any evidence of us ever together. 
 

so eye opening and heart breaking. When I called him out on it he said well I don’t want to die a cheater. 
 

which opened up a whole new meaning of this to me.. I mean in someways I think he resents me and has contempt for me that I’m the one in his life that enables him to be a cheater. 
 

ugh I hate it here 
 

 

 

 

Edited by Savannah2
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He doesn't want to die a cheater.

So eliminating the evidence of cheating makes him a non cheater.

Got it.

As to the rest of it, well what do you expect from being with a married guy for 10 years? The whole thing is nothing more than a sham, a secret fling that is of no importance to him versus his real, married life.

Why would you possibly think otherwise?

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21 minutes ago, Savannah2 said:

im sorry I have to delete the app we use to communicate in case I go in the hospital Amd don’t come out. 
and ~
please make sure anything at work cannot be traced back to you and I being together there physically 

Sorry this happened. Amazing, but not surprising that covering his butt, even on his 'deathbed' is his primary concern. Delete and block him.

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I hope this will help you stop seeing him once and for all.  If you do that, this will be a gift to you, the thing that finally makes you let go.  

 

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No I knew that we would never be together he’s never future faked me this whole time he’s always said he loves his wife. He’s never said he loves me or wants to be with me full time. I don’t know what I expected. I should have known better. 

Edited by Savannah2
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Ruby Slippers

Wow, that's sad. Hopefully this gives you a big wakeup call and you don't have anything to do with him or any other attached men in the future. 

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Yeah. I mean we talk everyday multiple times a day so I thought it meant more to him but after his deathbed comments now I’m not so sure anymore 

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Savannah, you have known this for years. This cad has always mistreated you---ignoring your messages, telling you he doesn't love you, not even giving you the courtesy of nights together or actual sex. How could you ever believe he cared for you in any way when his every action proved just how much he doesn't?

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He has never been worth Savannah's pain since the first day she posted here, but no matter how much clarity she temporarily seems to gain from the threads, nothing has ever changed... 
It is the typical workplace affair that never breaches the walls,  totally self contained to protect his marriage...and now even in death he will deny her existence...

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1 hour ago, Savannah2 said:

Yeah. I mean we talk everyday multiple times a day so I thought it meant more to him but after his deathbed comments now I’m not so sure anymore 

It could not be more clear actually.

And yes, you’ve known this for quite some time. But knowing, and accepting, are two very different things. 

if you “hate it here,” then stop. It’s your choice to stay...

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49 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

not even giving you the courtesy of nights together or actual sex.

Whoa. Ten years together and no I love you and no sex? What does he get out of it? Slavish adoration?

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We have sex. It’s only at work though. He won’t see me outside of work his wife keeps very close tabs on him and he won’t risk it 

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18 minutes ago, Savannah2 said:

We have sex. It’s only at work though. He won’t see me outside of work his wife keeps very close tabs on him and he won’t risk it 

I thought you said it was just oral sex (from you, not reciprocated by him)? I don't mean to be crude, but this has been ten years of consistent disrespect and him telling you to your face that you don't matter. What do you expect?

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Well used to be just oral I mean that’s what he seemed to prefer only, but more recently it’s full on sex. And no he’s never even hinted or uttered anything that he may love me I used to say it to him but I stopped a long time ago because he could never said it back. One time I said it to him and his response was I wish I could say I did 

 

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27 minutes ago, Savannah2 said:

We have sex. It’s only at work though. He won’t see me outside of work his wife keeps very close tabs on him and he won’t risk it 

So his wife actually cares about him. It's not one of those "the marriage is broken we have nothing to do with each other".

Does it bother you at all that you're trespassing on a marriage and stealing a husband away from his wife?

 

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Why you continue to have sex with the man is beyond us... 10 years of blow jobs at work with nothing offered in return...

The writing was on the wall long before his direction to delete and deny any evidence...

Edited by BaileyB
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I’m not stealing him away from his wife. I never gave him an ultimatum I just always accepted my place in his life like this. He continued on with her at home as always and then had me also. He always said he wanted both of us in his life, kind of like a poly relationship but she would never go for it he said 

they have their problems just like any marriage I guess but I don’t think he’d be happy with just me he wants her in his life still too 

Edited by Savannah2
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15 minutes ago, Savannah2 said:

kind of like a poly relationship but she would never go for it he said 

Do you understand his wife IS in the poly relationship she does not want? He forced her into it.

Edited to add: You and he forced her into it.

Edited by Xerad
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16 minutes ago, Savannah2 said:

I’m not stealing him away from his wife. I never gave him an ultimatum I just always accepted my place in his life like this. He continued on with her at home as always and then had me also. He always said he wanted both of us in his life, kind of like a poly relationship but she would never go for it he said 

I don’t think he’d be happy with just me he wants her in his life still too 

He wants both of you... that is correct.

You want his love - that doesn’t matter.
She wants her husband to be faithful - that doesn’t matter.

The only thing that matters is what he wants.
And when he is afraid of being caught, well then, his wife is the only one that matters. 

 

 

Edited by BaileyB
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spiritedaway2003
37 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

So his wife actually cares about him. It's not one of those "the marriage is broken we have nothing to do with each other".

Does it bother you at all that you're trespassing on a marriage and stealing a husband away from his wife?

The OP is not stealing the husband away.  He is an adult and he violated his marriage vows all on his own.  She didn't force him to do anything. 

OP, what I don't quite understand is WHY you're in this affair.  I can actually understand the desire not to reveal the truth if he dies ("take it to his grave" kind of thing).  What's in it for you?  What were you looking for out of this relationship?  

And now, given what he says, what WILL you do?

Edited by spiritedaway2003
typo
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