Author Savannah2 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 My life is a mess. I do enjoy him in my life it’s just that when he says things like that sometimes I realize how much more value I place on him than he does on me and it stings. His 20 year anniversary is coming up and I have asked him how he is going to feel about that knowing he has been with me secretly for almost half his marriage and he doesn’t have an answer he said he doesn’t look at it that way. He compartmentalizes it Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 3 hours ago, Savannah2 said: No I knew that we would never be together he’s never future faked me this whole time he’s always said he loves his wife. He’s never said he loves me or wants to be with me full time. I don’t know what I expected. I should have known better. And what action do you plan to take now? seriously, you deserve more out of this life! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Make him start paying for his time with you... you’ve provided a service he should have to pay for. when you send the invoice - that should make it stop. he only uses you because you have allowed it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 18 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said: The OP is not stealing the husband away. He is an adult and he violated his marriage vows all on his own. She didn't force him to do anything. The complete selfish disregard for the betrayed wife he has at home is appalling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Xerad Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 6 minutes ago, S2B said: Make him start paying for his time with you... you’ve provided a service he should have to pay for. I actually agree with this, for this specific case, and only this specific case. He needs to put a down payment on a house or something. Or a couple tens of thousands for the mortgage. And money for therapy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 16 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: I do enjoy him in my life it’s just that when he says things like that sometimes I realize how much more value I place on him than he does on me and it stings. It threatens the fantasy’s you have created about this man and your relationship. What does he bring to your life Savannah? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 5 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: The complete selfish disregard for the betrayed wife he has at home is appalling. Normally I would agree, but what does it say about a woman’s self esteem when she has been giving the man blow jobs at work for ten years and she still believes that he should/does have feelings for her... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: what does it say about a woman’s self esteem when she has been giving the man blow jobs at work for ten years and she still believes that he should/does have feelings for her... Not much. Link to post Share on other sites
Xerad Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 29 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: My life is a mess. Could someone get me up to speed? What general ages are we talking about? Is he a work superior, and who all knows at work? Everybody? And were you ever married, Savannah2, or single the whole time you met him? I mean, this is almost like human trafficking. Did you ever graduate HS, Savannah2? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) He is not my superior at work we both are the same position level so there is no abuse of power going on.. I was a willing participant. I was married to an emotionally abusive man prior to the affair but now divorced. Yep graduated with a masters degree. Nobody at work knows for sure but people have speculated in the past but it’s never come out completely because I’ve never told a soul Edited January 11, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) 48 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: I was married to an emotionally abusive man prior to the affair but now divorced. I would kindly suggest that you are in another emotionally abusive relationship with your MM. His behavior is sexually exploitive. Now to be fair, he hasn’t actually said the worlds “I love you” or led you to believe you would have a future together. But, he has enabled you to continue with this fantasy while using you for sex - and that is emotionally abusive. Edited January 11, 2021 by BaileyB 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Savannah2 said: My life is a mess. I do enjoy him in my life it’s just that when he says things like that sometimes I realize how much more value I place on him than he does on me and it stings. His 20 year anniversary is coming up and I have asked him how he is going to feel about that knowing he has been with me secretly for almost half his marriage and he doesn’t have an answer he said he doesn’t look at it that way. He compartmentalizes it I can top that. Been with my MM/partner for seven years, he got D “for me”, then we moved in together, and then he moved out and now he is with somebody else and dumped me. I can understand how you feel like your life is a mess. I can totally sympathize, and it will be tough to pick up the pieces and put them together. I hope you can! I don’t want to tell you to get out of this relationship after 10 years, but I would definitely be thankful had I known earlier, before it was too late. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Savannah2 said: He is not my superior at work we both are the same position level so there is no abuse of power going on.. I was a willing participant. I was married to an emotionally abusive man prior to the affair but now divorced. Yep graduated with a masters degree. Nobody at work knows for sure but people have speculated in the past but it’s never come out completely because I’ve never told a soul You traded one abusive guy for another one. this guy has offered you nothing except for feeling used and abused. after what he has said/admitted while sick - you would be WAY better off making sure he never speaks to you again! You will always be his secret! He will always ONLY worry/think of himself! even if he gets out of the hospital - it would be a great scene for YOU if he realized you got new employment while he was sick! seriously, start a new job ASAP! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Xerad Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 3 hours ago, Xerad said: I actually agree with this, for this specific case, and only this specific case. He needs to put a down payment on a house or something. Or a couple tens of thousands for the mortgage. And money for therapy. I wanted to edit this now that I found out more of the circumstances. I thought this was like a Waffle House manager diddling the 18 yr old cashier in the janitor's closet for ten years. After learning these are educated supposed to be adults, no. My sympathies are only for the wife. Screw the other two. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Savannah, I’m so sorry to hear that this man is still hurting you. Or that you are still allowing him to hurt you. I honestly wish you would tell him that I’d he dies you’re coming clean to everyone and let him really sweat it out while he’s recovering. I’m sure he’s well aware of your mental health and the damage he’s done. What a slime bag! I hope one day you think enough of yourself to let this loser go. Good luck! Sorry for your pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 8 hours ago, Savannah2 said: he wanted both of us in his life, kind of like a poly relationship It's amazing that he tried to make cheating look like some cool trendy group love situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Are you still pretending to be best friends with his wife and their family? Do your children still consider themselves best friends and would you still be vacationing and having celebrating the holidays with them if it wasn't for the pandemic? You insist on making out it is just a workplace affair but your earlier threads show there's a much deeper level of betrayal here on both your parts! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Unclerae Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Grant him is wish of not dieing a chater 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whaatamidoing Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Oh my god, I am so sorry about this. I am in a similar situation in terms of length of affair. I am not defending the man at all but in my experience, men think so differently to women. Those memes you see of the woman and man laid in bed, having just had a great time together and it shows what each of them is thinking- the woman's thought bubble is full of was I any good, does he still love me, is he attracted to me, did I look attractive to him and then the mans thought bubble shows him thinking, i wonder what time the footballs on. Men and women are so different and I believe men think a lot more practically. I believe in the same situation that my MM would be the same, partly because he is a selfish person, he constantly only considers himself and partly because they don't think before they speak. The practical part is true, if he were to die and things were exposed, your life would become a lot more complicated than it already is. His focus wasn't on what you mean to him, selfishly it was on being found out so the practical part of him was addressing this. I think a lot of men say things and think there is nothing wrong with what they have said until they are pulled up on it. In my experience, I find that my MM thinks its fine to say things to me because we are apparently more open with each other and he can say what he likes and feels he cant be himself around his wife, he is told off for swearing and such where as around me his thoughts and expressions are always freely shown. I struggle with this because I don't know which version of him is real. I think if he truly thought he was dying or would never see you again then he would be a bit more expressive with his feelings, I think it was more practically that he might have to hand his phone over to his wife whilst he is in hospital and was nervous about her looking through it and facing some very difficult questions when he is better. If not, and sometimes these times make the real person come to the surface then I am sorry he expressed himself in this way. I often go through a what's the point of this. I recently had a close family member die and it really made me take stock of the fact that he couldn't be there for me, to hold my hand at the funeral, it just adds to the list of what am I doing? He probably could have been there for me more but not without arousing suspicion. I have learnt that if he called me at 3am and needed me I would be there but I know if I called him at 3am, he wouldn't even answer and this is why I am slowly but surely working towards removing myself from his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 op, I hope you're not passing up potential relationships with others because you;re hung up on this guy. Ten years is a long time...do you even remember your "romantic /dating" life before him? Am I correct that you ex husband was abusive? Could that be part of why you stay with this guy? If he doesn't get too close, he can't hurt you as much? if that's the case, it sounds like that' not working so well for you anymore. You have feelings for him, but to him, you are little more than a "service provider". You feed his ego, provide sexual release and then he gets to go home to his wife/happy life. What do you get to go back to? Is your life happy? Even if he doesn't love you per se, he could still show you some basic human decency. I can;t see how he wouldn't know this is hurtful to you. Does he care? If he does care, how does he show that -not just words, but actually show you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 I feel like he does make me happy when I’m with him and I miss him when I don’t see him or talk to him. I do feel like I love him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) You have confused sex and love. If he loved you, he wouldn’t have allowed this to continue for all this time... Edited January 11, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 If what he said doesn't end this for you, then you are clearly choosing to continue with your eyes wide open. No one else's comments on this situation are going to change anything for you. You're getting something from this situation that makes you want/need to keep going with it. Maybe you love "hating" the situation, the pain is somehow filling some need you have. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Savannah. Savannah! This "man" has shown you who he really is over and over and over and over again. And yet you continue with him regardless, after everything, even after "seeing the light" multiple times. So what are you going to do this time? What concrete action are you going to take this time for yourself? You are allowing this treatment and the only way it will end is if you end it. What exactly is stopping you? Have you been able to do therapy? Because there is something more at play here if you continue to accept this treatment for this long in this environment. Do you feel trapped because of the work and personal aspects? Savannah...it is never too late to make the right choice. It may be hard and there will be consequences but life is better on the other side. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 4 hours ago, Savannah2 said: I feel like he does make me happy when I’m with him and I miss him when I don’t see him or talk to him. I do feel like I love him. If you were happy, you wouldn't be online asking for advice. You may be attached to him, but is that "love"? Love is built over a long period of time, based on a thousand small acts of kindness. It's also reciprocated and makes you a better person- it adds to your life, it doesn't take away from it. If he loved you, he's be proud to have the world know, he wouldn't want to be away from you and he couldn't feel happy being at home with his wife knowing you're out there somewhere and alone, likely feeling sad. Most of all, he would devastated at the idea of leaving you if he were to pass away. Instead, he's more concerned about looking like a bad guy or a cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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