mark clemson Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said: One thing I'd remind you of is that you never know what's going on behind closed doors. What you perceive as shrugging off cheating relatively easily could be people who prefer to keep their suffering in private and not be judged for staying with a cheater. It doesn't mean their hurt is any less. Why should they have to broadcast it to prove to others they care? I certainly agree there are folks like that. I'm not saying she would shrug it off, I'm saying some people do and some don't and we shouldn't assume either way. Even the OP wouldn't really know as she's the OW, and the husband could always be wrong in what he thinks as well, although he's no doubt the most likely to be right. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 51 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I certainly agree there are folks like that. I'm not saying she would shrug it off, I'm saying some people do and some don't and we shouldn't assume either way. Even the OP wouldn't really know as she's the OW, and the husband could always be wrong in what he thinks as well, although he's no doubt the most likely to be right. Yes, but what is the chance that the BS is just someone to shrug it off and not give any care. That is NOT common. Vast majority of people are hurt to their core over it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Starswillshine said: That is NOT common. Vast majority of people are hurt to their core over it. I agree that some distress is typical. Intensity clearly varies. Not sure about what "hurt to their core" means. I think there's a fair number who are simply pissed off and walk away from the marriage then and there. Is "very" pissed off the same as "hurt to your core"? Dunno. Some also seem to forgive and want to simply move past it quickly (not necessarily a good idea, but it's what they seem to want in some cases). I would guess the extreme reactions on both ends (extremely "devastated" and extremely "blasé" about it) are rarer, simply based on the normal curve. In the absence of actual data, I suppose we can both claim our opinions are likely to be right. Edited January 14, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Negotaurus Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Sorry to be blunt but I don't understand what you get out of these pity-parties you throw for yourself, Savannah. You're a grown woman. You have a job. You have kids. And you are happily exploiting your body to a married man, have been doing so for years while knowing he doesn't love nor even really care about you. You don't want to quit, find better, okay. This is what you have chosen for yourself. You're not a victim in this, and I hate that some people get the idea that you are. You're a grown woman and this is what you have chosen to do. Either stop looking for pity and own it, or get help and do better. 9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 5 hours ago, Negotaurus said: Sorry to be blunt but I don't understand what you get out of these pity-parties you throw for yourself, Savannah. You're a grown woman. You have a job. You have kids. And you are happily exploiting your body to a married man, have been doing so for years while knowing he doesn't love nor even really care about you. You don't want to quit, find better, okay. This is what you have chosen for yourself. You're not a victim in this, and I hate that some people get the idea that you are. You're a grown woman and this is what you have chosen to do. Either stop looking for pity and own it, or get help and do better. She just really likes this guy. To me she has endured so much. She deserves to be happy. I feel we need to be kinder to Savannah and help her see a better way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lorryborry said: She just really likes this guy. To me she has endured so much. She deserves to be happy. I feel we need to be kinder to Savannah and help her see a better way. He is married to another woman. Frankly, it doesn’t matter how much she likes the guy - he is married to another woman. Yes, she has endured so much but she has also CHOSEN this for herself for many, many years. You have not apparently read Savannah’s previous threads, which is ok. It just means that you haven’t seen the pages and pages in each discussion during which Savannah says “I’m heartbroken. I know this needs to end. How do I find the strength...” It means that you haven’t seen the pages and pages in in each discussion during which people have tried to reason, encourage, comfort, and offered touch love hoping that Savannah would make a better, healthier choice for herself. Edited January 14, 2021 by BaileyB 7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 You were never together. Link to post Share on other sites
Findingfreedom Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 On 1/10/2021 at 7:40 PM, Savannah2 said: Well used to be just oral I mean that’s what he seemed to prefer only, but more recently it’s full on sex. And no he’s never even hinted or uttered anything that he may love me I used to say it to him but I stopped a long time ago because he could never said it back. One time I said it to him and his response was I wish I could say I did Omg!! What the hell are you doing with him?!? Please don’t be w this a**h*** anymore!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 14 hours ago, Negotaurus said: Sorry to be blunt but I don't understand what you get out of these pity-parties you throw for yourself, Savannah. You're a grown woman. You have a job. You have kids. And you are happily exploiting your body to a married man, have been doing so for years while knowing he doesn't love nor even really care about you. You don't want to quit, find better, okay. This is what you have chosen for yourself. You're not a victim in this, and I hate that some people get the idea that you are. You're a grown woman and this is what you have chosen to do. Either stop looking for pity and own it, or get help and do better. Or she has some psychological issues that he is exploiting. Read through all of her threads for years and tell me that this man isn’t completely aware and taking advantage of the situation. Yes, Savannah SHOULD be accountable for her actions but the truth is, this MM has chosen her for the ability to take advantage. If a complete stranger can intuitively comprehend what’s going on , I’m sure he’s well aware and enjoying taking advantage of the situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Negotaurus Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 31 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said: Or she has some psychological issues that he is exploiting. Read through all of her threads for years and tell me that this man isn’t completely aware and taking advantage of the situation. Yes, Savannah SHOULD be accountable for her actions but the truth is, this MM has chosen her for the ability to take advantage. If a complete stranger can intuitively comprehend what’s going on , I’m sure he’s well aware and enjoying taking advantage of the situation. I have considered that and I am sure she has some sort of psychological issues, though admittedly I am no one to diagnose anybody - I’m not licensed, nor do I know her. My opinion does come from reading most of her posts and threads. From what I have gathered, she simply chooses to not get help. Nothing suggests that she is not capable of controlling her own life. Like I mentioned, she holds down a job, takes care of her kids, has gone through a divorce and recognised the abuse she was in. She appears to be seeing this “situationship” for what it is as well. She knows he doesn’t care. She knows how he feels for his wife. She has asked him those questions, and this man who is apparently exploiting her has actually been honest with her. In my opinion, she KNOWS exactly what is happening. The way I see it, most people say that once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up. Well, she has decided to make a home out of it. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 On 1/14/2021 at 1:56 PM, Negotaurus said: Sorry to be blunt but I don't understand what you get out of these pity-parties you throw for yourself, Savannah. You're a grown woman. You have a job. You have kids. And you are happily exploiting your body to a married man, have been doing so for years while knowing he doesn't love nor even really care about you. You don't want to quit, find better, okay. This is what you have chosen for yourself. You're not a victim in this, and I hate that some people get the idea that you are. You're a grown woman and this is what you have chosen to do. Either stop looking for pity and own it, or get help and do better. She needs support here. Shes in a difficult situation. Shes asking for help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Hi Savannah, rooting for you. Sending good vibes you will be fine. Better things to come for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 5 minutes ago, Lorryborry said: Hi Savannah, rooting for you. Sending good vibes you will be fine. Better things to come for you. How do you know she'll be fine? There's absolutely no indication that she's taken the excellent advice given to her by numerous posters on this thread or the countless other's she's posted. As far as we know she's going to keep right on doing what she's doing with this other woman's husband until and unless he puts a stop to it. Nothing will change for the better unless she starts making better decisions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 19 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: How do you know she'll be fine? There's absolutely no indication that she's taken the excellent advice given to her by numerous posters on this thread or the countless other's she's posted. As far as we know she's going to keep right on doing what she's doing with this other woman's husband until and unless he puts a stop to it. Nothing will change for the better unless she starts making bette And she will. Shes asking for help. Shes going to get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 If you say so. 🤐 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 On 1/13/2021 at 8:10 PM, Starswillshine said: Yes, but what is the chance that the BS is just someone to shrug it off and not give any care. That is NOT common. Vast majority of people are hurt to their core over it. It’s been going on under her nose for 10 years. My guess is I’m sure she has had her suspicions, but didn’t push the issue. Again, just a guess, but I would suspect pretty accurate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Negotaurus Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Lorryborry said: She needs support here. Shes in a difficult situation. Shes asking for help. She has been receiving excellent support for years. She's only fallen deeper. I often feel like the people who contribute to her wallowing are enabling her destructive behaviour. Edited January 18, 2021 by Negotaurus 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 4 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said: It’s been going on under her nose for 10 years. My guess is I’m sure she has had her suspicions, but didn’t push the issue. Again, just a guess, but I would suspect pretty accurate. I think many cheaters believe the BS knows , of course she must know, some even believe she is complicit but that is looking at it from a cheater's perspective. Very many get a huge shock when they realise on D Day that their spouse had NO IDEA. I do not think the wife here necessarily suspects as the affair is solely about messing around at work. There are no secret trysts or weekends away or nights in hotels, no sneaking around, no billets-doux, no suspicious activity whatsoever. There is no love for Savannah on his part, so he is not mooching around like a love sick teenager either, and he loves his wife, he always has done. Savannah provides a service, this affair is not a love story, never has been. He goes to work, he comes home, why would his wife be suspicious? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 7 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said: It’s been going on under her nose for 10 years. My guess is I’m sure she has had her suspicions, but didn’t push the issue. Again, just a guess, but I would suspect pretty accurate. She may have. And she may have spoken to him, and he may have convinced her that she is crazy thinking that he would ever cheat on her. And crazy her friend would ever do that do her. He may have even suggested she see someone about her trust issues (yeah all this happened to me). It does not mean that she doesn't care. Sometimes you feel nuts thinking people would betray you. Overly paranoid. You feel you need to have pure evidence. Not just a guess to blow the top off of a marriage and family. Sometimes, wives just implicitly trust their husbands 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: I think many cheaters believe the BS knows , of course she must know, some even believe she is complicit but that is looking at it from a cheater's perspective. Very many get a huge shock when they realise on D Day that their spouse had NO IDEA. For me, I had my suspicions, not about a specific person but about his behavior, but he did a really good job convincing me that nothing was going on with him. When D-Day, it shattered me that not only was he engaged in ana affair but he would lie and gaslight (emotional abuse) me like that. It was so many different realizations at once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 On 1/14/2021 at 2:23 PM, Lorryborry said: She just really likes this guy. To me she has endured so much. She deserves to be happy. I feel we need to be kinder to Savannah and help her see a better way. I disagree. People are responsible for thier choices. We are not puppets pulled by some mysterious force. Advising someone stuck in a bad situation to leave is as kind as it gets. There's so much help available. Anyone stuck in a love triangle is hurting a bunch of people, most of all, themselves. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted January 18, 2021 Author Share Posted January 18, 2021 (edited) He has not contacted me once since he has been sick. Nothing. It’s like he just removed himself from my life after ten years. During his lowest time in his life, he never turned to me. He just disappeared. I contacted him once during this and he said he can’t talk to me because he has to focus on getting better. I don’t know if he will survive complications from this virus or not. He is very sick right now. Either way, I think it will not be the same. I think severe illness and life changing moments give people clarity that they couldn’t have known before. In some ways I feel like he may blame his relationship with me as one of the reasons why he got sick because in the past when bad things have happened to him he would break up with me and say it’s karma so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s laying in bed right now thinking that. Ive come to the conclusion that I’m going to be grieving the loss of him whether he survives or not and the complicated nature of our relationship makes healing from this even more difficult . Edited January 18, 2021 by Savannah2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 50 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: He has not contacted me once since he has been sick. Nothing. It’s like he just removed himself from my life after ten years. During his lowest time in his life, he never turned to me. He just disappeared. I contacted him once during this and he said he can’t talk to me because he has to focus on getting better. I don’t know if he will survive complications from this virus or not. He is very sick right now. Either way, I think it will not be the same. I think severe illness and life changing moments give people clarity that they couldn’t have known before. In some ways I feel like he may blame his relationship with me as one of the reasons why he got sick because in the past when bad things have happened to him he would break up with me and say it’s karma so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s laying in bed right now thinking that. Ive come to the conclusion that I’m going to be grieving the loss of him whether he survives or not and the complicated nature of our relationship makes healing from this even more difficult . Hi Savannah. Oh I feel your pain hunni. I hate giving advice as I'm no expert and my life is not perfect. But I will be kind. Believe me I'm the biggest fool on earth. Iv been vulnerable and have made a poor choice which has only brought me pain and I'm now thinking to myself our "friendship " is not appropriate and I dont want any complications in my life so I'm working with a therapist to move on from it. It seems to just bring misery because it's not right. They are attached and married to someone else so it can never feel good. Also being very ill (my friend is also) they will turn to family. We are only fun for them. I got emotionally attached but I'm definitely not in love. I'm not in contact now only pure business. It has to be that way. It's a sore lesson. Distance yourself,fill your life with other things. Change pattern. I was fooling myself I had a friendship. I admit it's really really difficult but we can do it Savannah. These guys are not all that. We have them blown up in our head. You can have connection with many different people. Lack of contact is way forward. Really really horrible coz ya miss them but it's all for the best. They are not worried about us. Let's let their families deal with them. And let's move forward and develop our own lives and leave no space for them. It hurts but it's a must. Do not mind the 10years. We only have now and let's try to move forward. Ppl are in worse situations than us ie bad home life. And if they this cheaty then they are no prize. Leave them to their wives. I'm not saying it's easy. it doesnt matter what they feel, they married. Sending you a hug and good vibes. You can do this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorryborry Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 Savannah just get out of it. This is bulls***. My guy was extremely supportive during family illness was bereavement and that's how I made stupid mistakes. I was vulnerable. No excuse just explanation. We swapped lots of hugs and he expressed feelings for me because he wanted to get me into bed. That never happened as I wouldn't go there because I'm married and I'd not be able to handle that. I love my husband and wouldn't do that. But I did cheat with cuddles at a low time in my life. I got hooked. But Savannah it's too much trouble to be bothered with them. That's how I see mine now....too much trouble. Not worth it. And I'm concentrating on family. And going to therapy. I really should not be telling you what to do. I'm really not qualified as a therapist and I dont know the full details but I know these guys are trouble. Sending you every good vibe 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 1 hour ago, Savannah2 said: I don’t know if he will survive complications from this virus or not. He is very sick right now. Either way, I think it will not be the same. Never waste a crisis. Might be a good time to free yourself from this and seek a healthier relationship... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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