Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) MM is in hospital recovering from severe covid. He has not spoken to me or reached out the entire time except to tell me that he hates himself for this affair and regrets everything with me and from now forward he will never do this again. He said he knows the reason why he got so sick and almost died is punishment from the universe and he blames himself and me for allowing it. He said he feels sick to his stomach now when he thinks about his time with me. It hurts so much to hear that from him. I mean it’s not like we were a one night stand this went on for 8 years. those words from him hurt so much to hear. I’m having a lot of trouble processing it all. He told me don’t contact him he is angry this happened to him and feels extremely guilt and sll he wants now is to forget me and make his wife happy because he loves her so much it really hurts to feel like I’m the villain in his story and I know that’s how he sees me. Edited February 22, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: I mean it’s not like we were a one night stand this went on for 8 years. Savannah, you had a workplace affair that went on for 10 years. Sex at work. No contact outside of work. No words of love. I hate to say it, but for him it was essentially a one night stand that went on for 8 years. No strings attached blow jobs at work. You obviously invested in the relationship. You built this up to be much more than it really was - than it ever could be. Kindly, we’ve been trying to get you to understand this for years... I know it hurts, but you need to face reality. If he has chosen to end your affair, that is for the best. Edited February 22, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 I know but we talked everyday and every night too., I felt like it was more than just physical w Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) Savannah, I think every relationship is different. No doubt it is painful for you, but now is as good as any to take stock of he is doing TO you. Use that as strength to end what appears to be a one-sided relationship all along. He is gaslighting you and putting the weight of what he has also done, completely on you. He is blaming you for what's happened to him, even though his covid illness has nothing to do with you. He needs to take accountability for the choices he had made in his life. Don't be a scapegoat for him. See his actions it clearly for what it is and find the strength and support to move on. I wish you well. Edited February 22, 2021 by spiritedaway2003 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) He sees me now as the person who allowed him to do this to his wife for 8 years I am the accomplice to his guilt Amd suffering even though at the time I felt like he wanted this just as much as me.. I mean there were times he would pull back but for the most part he participated in this and maintained this.. saying good night and good morning every day talking every night on the app we used.. to me it felt more He is angry that he got so severely ill. He wants something Amd someone to blame so that he can make sense of it Edited February 22, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Savannah2 said: He sees me now as the person who allowed him to do this to his wife for 8 years I am the accomplice to his guilt Amd suffering He’s clearly responsible for his own choices, as are you. Now, you have another choice to make. You can continue listening to him and take this guilt on as your own, or you can make a different decision for yourself - to walk away, look at your own decisions in the cone t of this affair, and begin to make a better life for yourself. Its your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Just now, Savannah2 said: He sees me now as the person who allowed him to do this to his wife for 8 years I am the accomplice to his guilt Amd suffering Well it is kind of true. it takes two to tango and you were a willing accomplice to all his wrong doing. You cannot just abdicate responsibility, surely? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) You are right I do take responsibility for my part in this. I did and do love him though Amd I just wanted to make him happy and be in his life. I guess at the end of the day, if I loved him that much I would have made myself walk away knowing he was betraying himself by being in this with me And that he would ultimately regret everything on his deathbed. Edited February 22, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: I did and do love him though Amd I just wanted to make him happy and be in his life. I guess at the end of the day, if I loved him that much I would have made myself walk away knowing he was betraying himself by being in this with me And that he would ultimately regret everything on his deathbed. If you loved yourself, you would not have allowed yourself to be in this affair and you would not be agonizing over this man... Savannah, you need to focus on yourself and let this man go... Edited February 22, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 He had an affair because of what was lacking in himself. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. He’s still not being honest with himself. Let it go, finally, so you can move on with your own life and figure out hopefully that happiness comes from inside you. Do not allow yourself to ruminate. It’s a great time to take your life back. He’s honestly done you a favor! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 What I am struggling with is the realization that this entire time I was in the affair I allowed myself to think that I was enriching his life by being there.. that I made him happy.. but now I don’t think any of that is true, I was just a crutch, a bandaid I wasn’t his first affair. He had an emotional affair at his previous job (got caught texting a co worker and wife found out bevsusd she got a print out of how many texts he deleted from her) he left that job started at mine and two years later fell into an affair with me but it went physical this time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) Even if everything he poured out to you was true - which it doesn't sound like it is because he wouldn't be so dramatic about it - there's no excuse to talk like this with someone you had a relationship with for 8 years. This is not how you end a relationship, affair or not. It sounds like he's just trying to convince himself about how much he loves his wife. Not - because well, 8 years. Horrible move on his end - it shows lack of caliber, decency and diplomacy. Focusing on these ugly traits might help you move on. Edited February 22, 2021 by Soul-shards 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Now you can see this guy for who he really is - a liar and cheater. You romanticized him. It cost you a large part of your life and happiness. Hopefully, you see that now and won't get involved with people that are not available. Learn from this. Go forward as a better person. Regardless, do NOT go back to him. Ever. Under any circumstances. He's shown you who he is - believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 18 minutes ago, Soul-shards said: . It sounds like he's just trying to convince himself about how much he loves his wife. He always said he loved his wife, Savannah just provided the BJs at work and more recently full sex at work... He never said he loved Savannah, all the love she felt for him was never returned. His marriage from day one was always happy. Savannah was just "extra". Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: His marriage from day one was always happy. Savannah was just "extra". So happy that...8 years! Let's see how well that "love" is going to work without BJ-s on the side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 8 hours ago, Savannah2 said: was just a crutch, a bandaid Oh Savannah, I feel your pain. Now you're just starting to see the truth. After time, you're going to feel extreme anger about this situation. You'll have a ton to unpack. Please start seeking support...groups, counseling. You have a long road of recovery ahead to come to terms with all this. Focus on your self-care now. Put him, and everything about him, behind you. He's not a great guy. He's not even a decent human. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 @Savannah2 said in her previous post 3 years ago that MM wanted to stop the affair because he thought that it brought him bad karma and blamed her. Several posters provided great advices back then, but she didn't seem to take any. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peachpie Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 Once he passes, it is over between you both. How would it be helpful to expose the grieving wife and family that this guy was a bum? How is it fair to them to grieve his death while grieving that he betrayed them, as well? It’s not about YOU. I don’t blame him. You know he is married and you are playing with fire. His family loving him means more to him for all eternity, not your pride and feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
peachpie Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 On 1/18/2021 at 1:45 PM, Lorryborry said: I agree totally with this. It's a high like no other. But the low is the pits of hell. Neural pathways have to be reset. Only way is by staying away from source. That will settle it down. I got so attached in my situation. I didn't know enough about this life of married men and affairs. Was just never in my life until I made poor decisions around bereavement. Its definitely chemical. But when we know all this we got to be strong. These married guys are destructive. They dont care. They are a different make up and do not have integrity and are bad news. They should stay to f away from vulnerable woman. I'm not saying we have no choice far from it but I think they prey when we need support. That's how I feel today. You are also married with no integrity. “Damsel in distress” isn’t an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
peachpie Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 Why would you want to break his wife’s heart if her H died and then finding out he was a low life cheater? why would you want her to know about you? In some parts of the world, she could sue you for alienation of affection. would you feel loved and be proud if the world knew you had an affair? I would think your answer to him would be - absolutely! No one will ever know because I am equally as ashamed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 23, 2021 Author Share Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) Matildag, What are you talking about? I never said I wanted to tell his wife also I’m not married anymore and I never played the damsel In distress Edited February 23, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 23, 2021 Author Share Posted February 23, 2021 Also he can take his karma theory and blow it. How about just taking accountability for his actions instead of blaming the universe? If anything, all it shows is some insight into how he viewed his relationship with me as one that bestowed upon him bad things. Maybe if he would have loved me he wouldn’t have felt that way about it. He could somehow justify it because he loved me too. But he didn’t love me. So all he felt was shame, guilt, snd remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 11 hours ago, matildag said: Once he passes, it is over between you both. How would it be helpful to expose the grieving wife and family that this guy was a bum? How is it fair to them to grieve his death while grieving that he betrayed them, as well? It’s not about YOU. Why are you assuming this man will pass? Did I miss an update? This feels irreverent. Link to post Share on other sites
peachpie Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Soul-shards said: Why are you assuming this man will pass? Did I miss an update? This feels irreverent. Just read the original post. Once he does pass ~ either today or in 50 years ~ he would want the app deleted to protect his wife. Why wouldn't the AP agree? It makes sense. Edited February 23, 2021 by matildag Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 Oh, sure. I thought he was in immediate danger due to covid. Yes, I agree with non-disclosure here. There are 0 good reasons to choose to poison that family's life. That would be gratuitous vengefulness. Bad stuff. Very much thumbs down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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