What AP of 10 years says to me when he thinks he's dying

[JRabbit]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's amazing that he tried to make  cheating look like some cool trendy group love situation.

Its like all the cheaters on OLD saying theyre in open relationships 

[snowcones]

You said he never said he loved you and never said he would be with you full-time.  What kept you in this then?

[mark clemson]

At least some men, I think, can feel that a sexual relationship has value in and of itself, without any significant other aspects to it. Sounds like he is one of these, so he may feel you value it primarily for that aspect as well.

Whether I'm right about that or not, he's clearly indicated he's only willing to have this "on his terms", and been completely open with you about that. So, it should not come as a surprise that he's essentially only thinking of himself WRT how he feels about the current situation.

I think there's a certain amount of submissiveness and/or "emotional masochism" that are part of all this for you. Although I tend not to be as judgemental about these things as some folks, especially WRT consensual relationships between adults, like many above I DO think you should be questioning just why you are involved in this and have been for so long.

Edited January 11, 2021 by mark clemson

[Birdies]

Ew, this guy is SUCH an a-hole!  Block his as$ so you can find someone who treats you with respect.

[Savannah2]

I feel like I want to leave this relationship with him because I can’t bear to think that he will always think of this relationship with me as something he carries with shame.Maybe if he loved me he wouldn’t feel that way about it but he doesn’t love me. 

[jah526]

Not sure if this is the case here but I think some people get addicted to the challenge of trying to get the love of someone who is emotionally unavailable. It’s like the ultimate sword in the stone. It probably has much to do with that person’s family of origin. It’s a futile attempt to heal old wounds. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Savannah2 said:

I feel like I want to leave this relationship with him because I can’t bear to think that he will always think of this relationship with me as something he carries with shame.

Be prepared for his guilty conscience to lift if he recovers from the virus. He may well want to celebrate the joy of life! A married man who carries on a workplace affair for ten years doesn’t know guilt, his only shame would be being caught. That’s what he was most worried about when he told you to hide all the evidence - it would be a darn shame if his wife ever learned the truth about her husband.

Edited January 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[Beentheretoooften]

On 1/10/2021 at 4:51 PM, Xerad said:

Wow. So ten years of free sex for him? Sad.

Free sex for her too!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 1/10/2021 at 1:48 PM, Savannah2 said:

When I called him out on it he said well I don’t want to die a cheater. 

😳 My eyes got so big when I read this. Wow, he takes no responsibility for himself.

Ten years of being in last place and this is what you get from him. Don't waste another minute.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 1/10/2021 at 7:25 PM, Savannah2 said:

I’m not gonna tell her I can’t do that to him 

😳🤦🤢😞👎

[HadMeOverABarrel]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's amazing that he tried to make  cheating look like some cool trendy group love situation.

Clever catch! 💡

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Free sex for her too!

At the cost of her self esteem and self worth. And dare I say it, the ability to seek a partner with whom she could truly share find happiness and share her life...

Edited January 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[S2B]

On 1/10/2021 at 5:35 PM, trident_2020 said:

The complete selfish disregard for the betrayed wife he has at home is appalling.

 

Yes, I agree - but also - the OP is an accomplice. She helps him cheat on his wife.

for the part she plays... she is responsible. She’s also responsible for betraying herself for settling for so little from this jerk.

I wish the betrayed wife knew what’s real - she definitely deserves better!

[S2B]

7 hours ago, Savannah2 said:

I feel like I want to leave this relationship with him because I can’t bear to think that he will always think of this relationship with me as something he carries with shame.Maybe if he loved me he wouldn’t feel that way about it but he doesn’t love me. 

He doesn’t love you and he definitely is ashamed.

that should be MORE than enough to NEVER see him again! Even at work.

find a new job!

[trident_2020]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

Yes, I agree - but also - the OP is an accomplice. She helps him cheat on his wife.

for the part she plays... she is responsible. She’s also responsible for betraying herself for settling for so little from this jerk.

I wish the betrayed wife knew what’s real - she definitely deserves better!

I was referring to the Op. Of course the cheating husband is even worse but this is about her. 
 

Yes she’s wasting her time with this loser when she could have met a great guy with whom she could actually share her life with rather than being an occasional visitor.

Edited January 12, 2021 by trident_2020

[Amethyst68]

Everyone posting here is posting like the MM is taking advantage of Savannah. I'm sorry I simply don't see it like that. This is a  10 year affair, not with a colleague but with a family friend who she happens to work with and the workplace was their safe place when they were both married.

In recent posts Savannah avoids all mention of the friendship part of their relationship but see the quote below from one of her earlier threads. 

Quote

MM and I have broken up after a 6 year work place affair. Here’s the kicker though... our families are all very close, kids are best friends, all of our social activities involve his family. What do I do? My husband always kind of suspected something going on but never confronted him only me. I denied it. Anyways.. I feel like we really need to start fresh and disassociate with his family. How do I do that? Almost every weekend we have social plans with them and vacations etc.. it’s a mess.

Putting all blame on MM takes away any autonomy, power or choice from Savannah. 

The only people I feel sorry for are the wife and the children involved. The innocents who will be destroyed when this will get out one day. 

 

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Putting all blame on MM takes away any autonomy, power or choice from Savannah. 

The only people I feel sorry for are the wife and the children involved. The innocents who will be destroyed when this will get out one day. 

 

Me too, and I said as much. @Savannahhas no regard for his wife at home. Her attitude seems to be "he doesn't care about her so why should I".

 

[Beentheretoooften]

18 hours ago, S2B said:

Yes, I agree - but also - the OP is an accomplice. She helps him cheat on his wife.

for the part she plays... she is responsible. She’s also responsible for betraying herself for settling for so little from this jerk.

I wish the betrayed wife knew what’s real - she definitely deserves better!

The betrayed wife likely wouldn’t care. They all take back the mm’s anyway. Add to it that mm doesn’t even care one bit about this girl, if caught, I’m sure in this case there would not be any repercussions.  He wouldn’t even have to lie to BS and say she didn’t mean anything to me.   

[S2B]

8 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Everyone posting here is posting like the MM is taking advantage of Savannah. I'm sorry I simply don't see it like that. This is a  10 year affair, not with a colleague but with a family friend who she happens to work with and the workplace was their safe place when they were both married.

In recent posts Savannah avoids all mention of the friendship part of their relationship but see the quote below from one of her earlier threads. 

Putting all blame on MM takes away any autonomy, power or choice from Savannah. 

The only people I feel sorry for are the wife and the children involved. The innocents who will be destroyed when this will get out one day. 

 

Yep, however it seems that this particular poster (OP) prefers a relationship that is void of connecting - it’s a convenience when people are emotionally distant - because it’s safe. No one expects anything from them (except to be used for sex). 
 

she settles because she wants to.

[Starswillshine]

11 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

The betrayed wife likely wouldn’t care. They all take back the mm’s anyway. Add to it that mm doesn’t even care one bit about this girl, if caught, I’m sure in this case there would not be any repercussions.  He wouldn’t even have to lie to BS and say she didn’t mean anything to me.   

How would you know? Maybe the BS will take him back, does that mean that she doesn't care? Does that mean there are not any repercussions? 

I tried to save my marriage after my husband's (now ex) affair. On the outside to anyone who didn't know us, sure, it may have felt like there were no consequences. What they didn't see is the daily fighting, questioning, etc until 4am. His OW probably thought I didn't care that he cheated. What she didn't see was the drop in 20 lbs from vomiting anytime a thought about his affair or her popped in my mind. She didn't see me not get out of bed for 2 months. She didn't see how everytime the phone rang/vibrate/etc I would be sent into a panic attack. She didn't understand the sheer panic I felt when he was out of my sight. 

I tried to save my marriage because that is what that commitment is about. I tried all I could to move past his affair. In the end, I couldn't. I couldn't get past it. I couldn't forgive him. I divorced HIM. In the time before my divorce, if the world just peeked at the public part of my life, maybe they would have come to the ignorant conclusion that I didn't care or there were no repercussions. Prior to my decision to divorce, life was hell in our home. For both of us. 

[trident_2020]

40 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

His OW probably thought I didn't care that he cheated. What she didn't see was the drop in 20 lbs from vomiting anytime a thought about his affair or her popped in my mind. She didn't see me not get out of bed for 2 months. She didn't see how everytime the phone rang/vibrate/etc I would be sent into a panic attack. She didn't understand the sheer panic I felt when he was out of my sight.

This is what I was trying to say. @Savanah has no clue what the betrayed wife is going through at her expense, and given that her MM is trying to keep the entire affair a secret and go to his grave with it if necessary seems to indicate that his wife wouldn't be too happy about it.

 

[Starswillshine]

13 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

This is what I was trying to say. @Savanah has no clue what the betrayed wife is going through at her expense, and given that her MM is trying to keep the entire affair a secret and go to his grave with it if necessary seems to indicate that his wife wouldn't be too happy about it.

 

Sort of like when the MM describe their wives as an overly jealous woman while he is indeed in an affair. 

I went through my ex-husband's emails after finding out about his affair. He had sent one of his hook-ups an email that said, "what's your personal cell again, your # has been deleted, one guess by who." He was referring to me. He talked so much crap about me being a jealous wife. Btw, I didnt delete the number. I didnt even know anything about this chick. I didnt go through his phone. Besides that point, im not going to delete anyone's number. Im not the type who is going to put bumper lanes so my husband can focus on me. No, thanks. 

But anyway.... yeah, I voiced my opinion that his relationship with some women were quite uncomfortable. He deemed I was jealous. He was screwing every single one of them. Doh!

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

What they didn't see is the daily fighting, questioning, etc until 4am. His OW probably thought I didn't care that he cheated. What she didn't see was the drop in 20 lbs from vomiting anytime a thought about his affair or her popped in my mind. She didn't see me not get out of bed for 2 months. She didn't see how everytime the phone rang/vibrate/etc I would be sent into a panic attack. She didn't understand the sheer panic I felt when he was out of my sight.

This is a fair point. However, to give some balance, there ARE people who essentially shrug off cheating and/or relatively easily reconcile or walk away. There are also people who get emotionally traumatized by separation or divorce without any cheating involved. I suspect that some significant level of distress is typical, but there are going to be degrees of it and substantial variation.

Apologies if this seems to be minimizing your personal pain, it's just that since there's variance in how people are "wired" emotionally, and other "separation" situations are also substantially traumatic, I think it important to keep that in mind when assessing/discussing these things.

[Starswillshine]

23 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

This is a fair point. However, to give some balance, there ARE people who essentially shrug off cheating and/or relatively easily reconcile or walk away. There are also people who get emotionally traumatized by separation or divorce without any cheating involved. I suspect that some significant level of distress is typical, but there are going to be degrees of it and substantial variation.

Apologies if this seems to be minimizing your personal pain, it's just that since there's variance in how people are "wired" emotionally, and other "separation" situations are also substantially traumatic, I think it important to keep that in mind when assessing/discussing these things.

That is not the point. Unless you are the BS or heard it directly from the BS's mouth that she/he does not care is not hurt, then you have no idea how it is affecting them. 

Your reminder that you believe sometimes that an affair is justified and/or better than a divorce has been noted. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. I was pointing out the same thing you are - just as we can't assume she'd shrug it off, we can't assume she'd be in extreme distress either.

"Justified" is a very subjective concept. In this thread at least, I'm really just pointing out that divorce can sometimes ALSO be traumatic for folks.