pepperbird2 Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Prudence V said: I don’t think this guy and “proper relationship” can exist in the same universe, never mind the same sentence. Someone who is capable of treating another human so transactionally must be deeply damaged on some level. It's like he sees the people in his life as playthings- there for his amusement and little more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 On 1/22/2021 at 5:59 AM, BaileyB said: He’s selfish in that he has taken what was offered. When he accepts the offer of a blow job at work, knowing full well that she loves him and wants to be with him forever knowing full well that he offers nothing in return - he is thinking only of himself... This woman has subjugated herself to him, and he has taken full advantage, Then she needs to be clear from here moving forward.... that he pays her good money for every single encounter/exchange - so at the bare minimum she gets something out of this awful situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SharpMind Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 Just curious is alive still....? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 op, how are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
LIRR88 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 The whole thing is sad. In those 10 years you could have found the love of your life. I think you need see a therapist OP, not trying to be harsh but you need to learn to love yourself before you love others. This guy has been using you for a decade, you’re never gonna get that time back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 @Savannah2 Have you ever been in an exclusive relationship with a man? Do you know what it is like to have someone put your needs before their own, to watch over you and make sure your needs are met? I know you haven't had that with this man for the past 10 years, and now, when he is faced with his mortality, was his first thought of your welfare? No. Please take this as a cue and find someone worthy of your love and attention. Imagine, not having to sneak around to have sex at work - being able to spend time outside of work, doing things together that the two of you enjoy. I cannot imagine how this 10 year facade could possibly measure up to the possibility of having a love of your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, vla1120 said: @Savannah2 Have you ever been in an exclusive relationship with a man? Do you know what it is like to have someone put your needs before their own, to watch over you and make sure your needs are met? I know you haven't had that with this man for the past 10 years, and now, when he is faced with his mortality, was his first thought of your welfare? No. Please take this as a cue and find someone worthy of your love and attention. Imagine, not having to sneak around to have sex at work - being able to spend time outside of work, doing things together that the two of you enjoy. I cannot imagine how this 10 year facade could possibly measure up to the possibility of having a love of your own. Savannah is married herself. Their families are friends, kids are friends, apparently they even vacation together. So the fact that Savannah has continued to make these choices again and again is even more troubling. Edited to add link to previous thread, I hope this is okay to do. Edited February 10, 2021 by Bittersweetie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 16, 2021 Author Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) He’s still alive. Still in hospital though. And now all he does is say how much he loves his wife and how thankful he is for her. He hasn’t contacted me. I just have to sit here and listen to everyone talk about what a great guy he is and how much he loves his wife all the while knowing that he had his d in my mouth for the past ten years. I don’t expect to hear from him though. From what I gather this has been a life changing moment for him and he’s only living his life on the straight and narrow from now forward with his second chance at life . I guess In hindsight I was the villain in his story because all he had to say to me before he went in the hospital was that he didn’t want to die a cheater Amd he loved his wife the whole time Edited February 16, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) I find myself wanting to tell you that I’m sorry to hear this update because I know it’s what you want to hear... but truthfully, it is without a doubt the single best thing that you ever happen to you. I’m sure that you don’t see it that way, but it’s very true. What are you doing to care for yourself Savannah? How can you start to look to the future? Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 16, 2021 Author Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) Bailey, my hope is that the forced no contact the past month and months to come will help lessen this connection I feel for him so that when I do see him again those feelings are not there and are replaced with either indifference or just anger towards him. I try to not let myself romanticize anything I had with him. I try to see it for what it was to him. Easy work sex. But then the what if’s start.. what if he really did love me and just couldn’t show it? Can 8 years be erased in one month of no contact? I’m glad he is going to be ok I really am. But the truth is that whether he lived or died, I am still having to grieve him and what we were because I don’t think there is going to be a coming back for us Edited February 16, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 18, 2021 Share Posted February 18, 2021 On 2/16/2021 at 6:35 PM, Savannah2 said: But then the what if’s start.. what if he really did love me and just couldn’t show it? Has he had any issues showing he loves his wife per his own words and those of others? Apparently not. There is your answer...it's not that he can't show his love (for you), it's that he doesn't love you as a person for who you are. I'm so sorry that is painful for you, but I truly feel it's the truth...and the truth will set you free! Please set yourself free, Savannah. There is so much more to life, and you are worth so much more, than what you are accepting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) MM is in hospital recovering from severe covid. He has not spoken to me or reached out the entire time except to tell me that he hates himself for this affair and regrets everything with me and from now forward he will never do this again. He said he knows the reason why he got so sick and almost died is punishment from the universe and he blames himself and me for allowing it. He said he feels sick to his stomach now when he thinks about his time with me. It hurts so much to hear that from him. I mean it’s not like we were a one night stand this went on for 8 years. those words from him hurt so much to hear. I’m having a lot of trouble processing it all. He told me don’t contact him he is angry this happened to him and feels extremely guilt and sll he wants now is to forget me and make his wife happy because he loves her so much it really hurts to feel like I’m the villain in his story and I know that’s how he sees me. Edited February 22, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: I mean it’s not like we were a one night stand this went on for 8 years. Savannah, you had a workplace affair that went on for 10 years. Sex at work. No contact outside of work. No words of love. I hate to say it, but for him it was essentially a one night stand that went on for 8 years. No strings attached blow jobs at work. You obviously invested in the relationship. You built this up to be much more than it really was - than it ever could be. Kindly, we’ve been trying to get you to understand this for years... I know it hurts, but you need to face reality. If he has chosen to end your affair, that is for the best. Edited February 22, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 I know but we talked everyday and every night too., I felt like it was more than just physical w Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) Savannah, I think every relationship is different. No doubt it is painful for you, but now is as good as any to take stock of he is doing TO you. Use that as strength to end what appears to be a one-sided relationship all along. He is gaslighting you and putting the weight of what he has also done, completely on you. He is blaming you for what's happened to him, even though his covid illness has nothing to do with you. He needs to take accountability for the choices he had made in his life. Don't be a scapegoat for him. See his actions it clearly for what it is and find the strength and support to move on. I wish you well. Edited February 22, 2021 by spiritedaway2003 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) He sees me now as the person who allowed him to do this to his wife for 8 years I am the accomplice to his guilt Amd suffering even though at the time I felt like he wanted this just as much as me.. I mean there were times he would pull back but for the most part he participated in this and maintained this.. saying good night and good morning every day talking every night on the app we used.. to me it felt more He is angry that he got so severely ill. He wants something Amd someone to blame so that he can make sense of it Edited February 22, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Savannah2 said: He sees me now as the person who allowed him to do this to his wife for 8 years I am the accomplice to his guilt Amd suffering He’s clearly responsible for his own choices, as are you. Now, you have another choice to make. You can continue listening to him and take this guilt on as your own, or you can make a different decision for yourself - to walk away, look at your own decisions in the cone t of this affair, and begin to make a better life for yourself. Its your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Just now, Savannah2 said: He sees me now as the person who allowed him to do this to his wife for 8 years I am the accomplice to his guilt Amd suffering Well it is kind of true. it takes two to tango and you were a willing accomplice to all his wrong doing. You cannot just abdicate responsibility, surely? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) You are right I do take responsibility for my part in this. I did and do love him though Amd I just wanted to make him happy and be in his life. I guess at the end of the day, if I loved him that much I would have made myself walk away knowing he was betraying himself by being in this with me And that he would ultimately regret everything on his deathbed. Edited February 22, 2021 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Savannah2 said: I did and do love him though Amd I just wanted to make him happy and be in his life. I guess at the end of the day, if I loved him that much I would have made myself walk away knowing he was betraying himself by being in this with me And that he would ultimately regret everything on his deathbed. If you loved yourself, you would not have allowed yourself to be in this affair and you would not be agonizing over this man... Savannah, you need to focus on yourself and let this man go... Edited February 22, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 He had an affair because of what was lacking in himself. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. He’s still not being honest with himself. Let it go, finally, so you can move on with your own life and figure out hopefully that happiness comes from inside you. Do not allow yourself to ruminate. It’s a great time to take your life back. He’s honestly done you a favor! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 22, 2021 Author Share Posted February 22, 2021 What I am struggling with is the realization that this entire time I was in the affair I allowed myself to think that I was enriching his life by being there.. that I made him happy.. but now I don’t think any of that is true, I was just a crutch, a bandaid I wasn’t his first affair. He had an emotional affair at his previous job (got caught texting a co worker and wife found out bevsusd she got a print out of how many texts he deleted from her) he left that job started at mine and two years later fell into an affair with me but it went physical this time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 (edited) Even if everything he poured out to you was true - which it doesn't sound like it is because he wouldn't be so dramatic about it - there's no excuse to talk like this with someone you had a relationship with for 8 years. This is not how you end a relationship, affair or not. It sounds like he's just trying to convince himself about how much he loves his wife. Not - because well, 8 years. Horrible move on his end - it shows lack of caliber, decency and diplomacy. Focusing on these ugly traits might help you move on. Edited February 22, 2021 by Soul-shards 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 Now you can see this guy for who he really is - a liar and cheater. You romanticized him. It cost you a large part of your life and happiness. Hopefully, you see that now and won't get involved with people that are not available. Learn from this. Go forward as a better person. Regardless, do NOT go back to him. Ever. Under any circumstances. He's shown you who he is - believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2021 Share Posted February 22, 2021 18 minutes ago, Soul-shards said: . It sounds like he's just trying to convince himself about how much he loves his wife. He always said he loved his wife, Savannah just provided the BJs at work and more recently full sex at work... He never said he loved Savannah, all the love she felt for him was never returned. His marriage from day one was always happy. Savannah was just "extra". Link to post Share on other sites
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