LittleDove78 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 My husband and I have been married for 13yrs we have had lots of ups and more downs. I would love to seperate but he is so oblivious that anything is wrong I don't know where to begin. He is completely satisfied as long as he has his house and does what he wants. We have no relationship romantically at all like having sex once a yr for the past probably 3yrs, no dates, no touching in any way. I have no financial support from him I feel like I have a piece of paper that tells me I'm married with no perks. We don't fight much it's just coexisting. But I feel like he would be so blindsided so I sit here not happy. The thought of never having a good relationship again makes me so sad and he's satisfied. The thing is when I think of having one its never with him and to late.We also have an 8yr old son. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Divorce sounds like a practical solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Unclerae Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Divorce is obviously the best option now Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 4 hours ago, LittleDove78 said: . I have no financial support from him I feel like I have a piece of paper that tells me I'm married with no perks. Sorry this is happening. If you are legally married half of everything is yours. You need to speak with an attorney for advice about marital property and rights as well as your options in divorce. You may be better off financially if you divorce, if he's not allowing access to bank accounts or credit cards. That way you are protected by the laws. As far as the other issues, things have deteriorated for a while, no? Do you work? Do you have trusted friends and family to confide in? It's doubtful he'll be blindsided when you file for divorce. He checked out long ago and he knows it. In the meantime check your credit scores, bank accounts and credit cards. See if something doesn't add up. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 I can appreciate why he would be content if his needs are being met. I wonder how it is that you are so unhappy, and he has no idea that you are unhappy. Have you not talked with him, told him what YOU want for your marriage? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 No where in here do you mention you ever telling him things are amiss. You need to start there. Be specific. Tell him what you want but be prepared to compromise. Nevertheless you need to be specific. For example you say something like Honey I don't know if you have noticed but I'm unhappy. I feel like we co-exist rather than have a marriage. I'd like more romance, more communication & a financial say. How do you feel? It would really help me if 1. We had sex at least once per week. 2. We went on actual dates at least once per month 3. We talked every day about meaningful stuff 4. Before we were married, we used to do X. I'd like to do that again. See what he says. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 8 hours ago, LittleDove78 said: He is completely satisfied as long as he has his house and does what he wants. What kind of things does he want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Do you still have what it takes within yourself to try and make the marriage work? Sadly sometimes things die and don't come back if we don't attend to them for too long. If you still feel the ability to make the marriage work, talk to him very honestly and directly. Doing nothing is guaranteed to get no results, so don't waste any more time. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 You could consider marriage counseling as an alternative or as a last ditch effort rather than simply divorcing. You might consider doing some research on attachment styles. Sometimes people have an attachment style that doesn't match overly well to what their partner would prefer/expect. However, that doesn't mean they AREN'T attached, just that there is misalignment in the behaviors. Another way of saying this is the old "they love you in their own way" saw. It sounds like it might be true in your case, and realizing that might be part of why you're hesitant to divorce. The flip side of course is - IF "the way they love you" REALLY doesn't make you happy, that probably needs to be addressed. Divorce is one possible solution; there may be other solutions that might (or might not) work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. If you are legally married half of everything is yours. You need to speak with an attorney for advice about marital property and rights as well as your options in divorce. You may be better off financially if you divorce, if he's not allowing access to bank accounts or credit cards. That way you are protected by the laws. As far as the other issues, things have deteriorated for a while, no? Do you work? Do you have trusted friends and family to confide in? It's doubtful he'll be blindsided when you file for divorce. He checked out long ago and he knows it. In the meantime check your credit scores, bank accounts and credit cards. See if something doesn't add up. I do have a job but my hrs have been reduced a lot. When I cut back on my work I turned the house payment over to my husband. The house is in my name I bought it before we married. I get his bank statements every month and see the money he deposits and withdraws he has way enough as our payment is not even high. He has not paid it hardly in a yr we are 12,000 dollars behind and I'm sure about to be foreclosed on. It has trashed my credit also. He is very selfish as long as he has a home to come home to which probably won't for long, beer to drink at night, place to cook he seems fine. This is not something we haven't talked about and have tried counseling in the past. But he has to know I'm not happy but acts like everything is fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 5 hours ago, BaileyB said: I can appreciate why he would be content if his needs are being met. I wonder how it is that you are so unhappy, and he has no idea that you are unhappy. Have you not talked with him, told him what YOU want for your marriage? This is not really anything new. We have talked but it's been a while I'm kinda at that don't even want to talk mood. But we are going to have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: No where in here do you mention you ever telling him things are amiss. You need to start there. Be specific. Tell him what you want but be prepared to compromise. Nevertheless you need to be specific. For example you say something like Honey I don't know if you have noticed but I'm unhappy. I feel like we co-exist rather than have a marriage. I'd like more romance, more communication & a financial say. How do you feel? It would really help me if 1. We had sex at least once per week. 2. We went on actual dates at least once per month 3. We talked every day about meaningful stuff 4. Before we were married, we used to do X. I'd like to do that again. See what he says. These really aren't new issues they have been talked about but it has been a while. I have just been quiet lately like I have no energy to talk. I feel like I'm gone a lot to my parents so haven't been around as much. We have tried counseling in the past. I just feel the loves had died. We used to have sex once a wk but that's been over for yrs. I honestly am not dying for it but just feel it's strange. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: What kind of things does he want to do? Nothing much drink beer, cook, and just have no many responsibilities which he is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 3 minutes ago, LittleDove78 said: He has not paid it hardly in a yr we are 12,000 dollars behind and I'm sure about to be foreclosed on. It has trashed my credit also. He is very selfish as long as he has a home to come home to which probably won't for long, beer to drink at night You need to consult an attorney asap. Don't allow him to drink away your home. Use ALL your money to save your home and let him pay for everything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 2 hours ago, FMW said: Do you still have what it takes within yourself to try and make the marriage work? Sadly sometimes things die and don't come back if we don't attend to them for too long. If you still feel the ability to make the marriage work, talk to him very honestly and directly. Doing nothing is guaranteed to get no results, so don't waste any more time. I'm not sure we have had issues for some long. We have tried counseling before but it's been yrs. I just feel he is satisfied and I'm not. He doesn't seem to care there is no romantic side left either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Share Posted January 11, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: You need to consult an attorney asap. Don't allow him to drink away your home. Use ALL your money to save your home and let him pay for everything else. You are right the romantic side of our relationship is the least of our worries. When I bring up the house he doesn't say anything. When I say I know how much money he deposits he acts like it's not true when I have the statement. He never give me and my son anything. He lets me have our income tax but I'm expected for it to last a yr and pay off everything when he makes what we get back in a month. He pays utilities and car payment and the rest is at his disposal. It's all crazy really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 50 minutes ago, LittleDove78 said: When I cut back on my work I turned the house payment over to my husband. He has not paid it hardly in a yr we are 12,000 dollars behind and I'm sure about to be foreclosed on. How did you let this go for a whole year? By the time he missed the 2nd payment you should have fixed it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 49 minutes ago, LittleDove78 said: He never give me and my son anything. Is he the biological father of your son? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 1 hour ago, LittleDove78 said: When I cut back on my work I turned the house payment over to my husband. The house is in my name I bought it before we married. I get his bank statements every month and see the money he deposits and withdraws he has way enough as our payment is not even high. He has not paid it hardly in a yr we are 12,000 dollars behind and I'm sure about to be foreclosed on. It has trashed my credit also. Yowzers! You bet he has trashed your credit and why you have allowed that to happen is beyond me! You better believe the first person I would talk with is not a counsellor but a lawyer. That would be my primary concern - how to protect my assets and my credit. While you are there, you can file for divorce... Maybe that will get his attention. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: How did you let this go for a whole year? By the time he missed the 2nd payment you should have fixed it. Absolutely. Respectfully OP, you buried the lead here... your personal finances and the stability of your child’s home is at stake here. It’s time to get really serious with this guy, really fast. Edited January 11, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, LittleDove78 said: I just feel the loves had died. Little wonder why... Having a partner who controls the finances, doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t communicate/negotiate, and is ultimately driving me to bankruptcy would cause me to lose any affection toward him too... Edited January 11, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 12, 2021 Author Share Posted January 12, 2021 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: How did you let this go for a whole year? By the time he missed the 2nd payment you should have fixed it. Well yeah but since I wasn't the one with the money I couldn't. I talked to my mortgage and they are going to work with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 12, 2021 Author Share Posted January 12, 2021 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: Is he the biological father of your son? Yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleDove78 Posted January 12, 2021 Author Share Posted January 12, 2021 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: Yowzers! You bet he has trashed your credit and why you have allowed that to happen is beyond me! You better believe the first person I would talk with is not a counsellor but a lawyer. That would be my primary concern - how to protect my assets and my credit. While you are there, you can file for divorce... Maybe that will get his attention. There is a long list of reasons for me to justify divorce. Then I have this feeling of abandoning him which is crazy I know. I'm worried about him when he isn't worried about us. I think because nothing has happened with the house yet he doesn't think it will. I'm a hairstylist I have my own business and the pandemic has killed me. Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 You are very strong to have done this so long. But you've done your part. You need to get out. I go crazy because I think my wife doesn't love me anymore, but she helps with bills and kids at least. I try to win her back, but I haven't yet. But she does involve herself in evrything. I think if she didn't engage, I would be lost. You need better. Get out of that relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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