Wife Just Told Me She Wants to Separate

[DEVOTED HUSBAND]

 

Hello All,

 

Not sure where to even begin…so I will just launch right into it.  This is a long post, so I appreciate people reading it and giving me their views.  

 

My wife has just told me she wants to separate, and is “leaving” - with little hope of reconciliation.  I am totally devastated by this news, and really need help.  

 

Here is the background to our story: we started dating in the mid-2000s and 2 years into our relationship, she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (we were told she needs a transplant).  I immediately vowed to remain by her side (she told me to “leave her”, because it would be difficult for her to do “normal” things, like bear children and so on, but I was committed to her).  To make matters even more difficult, she experienced a severe side effect to her kidney medications, which meant she also needed both her hips replaced (we discovered this shortly after her kidney disease diagnosis).  A side effect of chronic kidney disease is a significant decrease in libido - so our physical relationship became non-existent (and I basically “suppressed” my desire / libido, so she would not feel awkward about her lack of “desire”, and also becauses her hips would cause her pain when we tried to be intimate).  

 

I should note that we were in a long-distance relationship at the time (I was in the US, she was overseas), and it took some time to sponsor her to come over and marry me.  So - after 6 years of dating long-distance, I was able to move her to the US (since the healthcare here is thankfully better than her home country).  So we got married and started living together in early 2012.  It was a huge relief to have her with me, but we would often bicker about (what I think) are insignificant things.  For example, she is very particular about how things should be done in the kitchen, while I am much more easy-going about such things.  I should also note she wasn’t working at the time - given her severe health issues - so the “home” was the only area where she could be the “boss”.   I handled everything else: earning money, paying bills and so on.   

 

A couple of years after we got married, it was time for her transplant - and I donated a kidney to her.  Thankfully the surgery went well, and she has done OK since then.  She also had both her hips replaced ~1 year later, so she has had her new kidney and hips for ~5-6 years now (ie, she has been “normal” since late 2015).  Our relationship was moving along nicely (or so I thought), and we settled into post-transplant married life.  We went on several really memorable vacations and were really enjoying her newfound good health.  

 

Now - back to my “suppressing” of desire.  After her surgeries, her libido started to come back - but mine didn’t.  I had basically “convinced” myself that physical relationships of any kind might “hurt” her - so I would avoid intimacy with her.  This was compounded by my own decreasing libido (maybe because I am in my 40s?  My father had the same issues, and I am getting my testosterone checked).  To make things even scarier, she started suffering from repeat Urinary Tract Infections a couple of years after her transplant - which made me even more paranoid about engaging in sexual activity with her (the Doctors told us that sex can cause UTIs).  These UTIs would put her in the hospital for up to a week, and she had 4-5 of them - very scary when these happen, as a UTI can really hurt a kidney transplant patient.  So of course, I suppressed my desire even more - despite her libido really kicking in.  One more note: I also needed 2 hip surgeries (after her hip surgery in 2015) - so it was tough for me to be intimate, which I think also played into my “suppressed” libido.  

 

I should also note that I have a really bad temper, and can be very aggressive when I argue.  So - over the years we would settle into a pattern that occurred every few months: she would “nag” me / point out something I did wrong (usually in the kitchen), I would let my anger build up and eventually I would yell and say very nasty things (the worst was calling her a “burden on me” - something I have done several times over the past few years).  For example, I would say things like “after everything I have done, can’t you just get over this insignificant kitchen stuff?  You’re a burden on me!”  I don’t really believe she is one, but given she has no career (thanks to her previous health issues and repeated UTIs) and depends on me for money - and received my kidney - I can see how this phrase would really hurt her.  She feels she missed out on a career (despite having a good university degree) and feels that she “missed out” on important life milestones, so I really should not have repeatedly used this phrase.  I am ashamed because I learned this “attack” phrase by watching my own dysfunctional parents, who would yell such abuse at each other.  

 

Anyway - back to my wife: her main issues have been i) i don’t “listen” (ie, I downplay the importance of things she feels are important, like kitchen protocols), ii) I am verbally aggressive / abusive (ie, calling her a “burden” and yelling when I am angry) and iii) the lack of intimacy in our marriage (stemming from my fear of “hurting” her / fear of her developing an infection).  

 

She has been telling me for years to i) see a therapist about my anger and ii) to have the confidence to be intimate / overcome the fear of “hurting” her.  In her mind, it is better to be intimate and “live” - even with the risk of a potentially deadly infection - than continue living in a marriage with no intimacy.  And I have been ignoring / downplaying her wishes for all these years.  

 

Now she tells me that she is fed up with “begging” me for intimacy, and cannot tolerate my verbal aggression anymore.  The ongoing COVID crisis has really affected her as well, since she is in a high-risk category (as a transplant patient) and I have basically prevented her from leaving our apartment at all.  It got to the point where she contemplated suicide recently, because she is so fed up with the situation.  When she told me “I am going to kill myself”, I ignored her and said “stop being dramatic”.  It turns out that she had really planned the details of her suicide - including how to do it (jump off the roof of the building), what to wear and when she was going to jump (when I was busy working from my home office).  Thankfully she didn’t go through with her plans (she was going jump in July / August).  She did tell a couple of close friends about her issues, and they have advised her to “do what makes you happy.”  It turns out that “happiness” for her is to have a sense of purpose, a career and the chance to “build herself back up again.”  So she is studying to be a life coach (she is actually very easy to talk to, and I think she will be a great coach).  She wants to move out into her own apartment, and have the option of dating other men (and I can see other women), so we can both find people to “make us happy again.”  I am totally against this, as she is the one who makes me happy!  I cannot imagine going through with this process, and the thought of her with anyone else crushes me.  I wonder whether she is having a “mid-life crisis”, or if there are hormonal changes (she is almost 40) that might be impacting her behavior, but I am not an expert of course.  

 

I have begged her to reconsider and give me “another chance” - so I have signed up for therapy (to address my rage issues) and I’m working with my physician to address my reduced libido as well.  She says “you are only doing this because I am now threatening to leave.”  I guess there is a lot of truth to this: I was so stuck in my own world (I have a very time consuming job) and so stubborn about wanting to “control” everything (ie, preventing her from leaving the apartment in a pandemic and so on) that I pushed her away.  I am so sad that we “beat the odds”: we dated long-distance for almost 7 years, went through a kidney transplant and other major surgery together and so on - but my own stubbornness has killed our relationship.  It is tragic that something I did to “protect” her (ie, avoiding intimacy) might in fact push her away.  

 

She says she has felt a huge amount of “guilt” for years, because she has my kidney.  She has felt so obligated, that she hasn’t been able to express this “desire to leave” for years - but is now brave enough to do so (thanks to the advice of her friends).  I don’t know whether there is any hope of convincing her to stay.  I told her “I am taking therapy to save our marriage - you should take therapy as well…let’s do couples therapy.”  She agreed to therapy, but says “I am going to take therapy for MYSELF - to improve my own well-being…you should do the same…and if we are meant to be together after we both take therapy, then it’s great…otherwise we will both be improved for new partners.”  I was really hurt that she wouldn’t even consider taking couples therapy, given what we have been through together, but I guess I can’t blame her, given how nasty I have been during arguments (note I have never been - or will be - physically abusive).  

 

Anyway, I have written a lot here, and I thank anyone that had the patience to read my whole post.  I am not sure what to do…I would give anything to win her back, but I don’t know if that is possible.  I appreciate any insights you can share with me…I really want to save my marriage...  

 

[d0nnivain]

Keep working toward getting her to go to counseling with you.  Acknowledge that her threats to leave did spur you into action but help her to understand that action even at this point is a positive step, taken because you love her & want to work things out. 

Remind her that if therapy works you both get a happy marriage & if it doesn't, all it did was delay divorce for a few months.  

Good luck. 

[DEVOTED HUSBAND]

Thanks d0nnivain!  I recently made approaches to be more intimate with her, but she is now saying "I don't have the same feeling for you / I don't think of you as a lover anymore, you are more of a protector / boss / almost a father figure, because you take care of me."  I said "OK, let's take it slowly...I will try and win you back / have you fall in love with me again, so we can be together" - her response was "but I don't know if your rage will re-emerge, so I am scared..."

So it seems she is closing all doors before we have any chance of reconciling.  And she claims I "shouldn't be surprised" that she is leaving, since she has been "warning me for years" that "I will lose her" if I don't get help.  But now I am getting help, and she still wants to leave!   

She wants me to consider renting her an apartment in our existing building (so we will be in the same building, and I can help out) on a 1-year lease, after the COVID crisis ends.  She says if her business works, great - she will continue living there.  If not, she will move back to her home country (Canada).  So I am mentally preparing for a year of trying to "win her back."  

I told her "if your business doesn't work, move back in with me, this is your home."  She said "well what if you are with someone new?"  I said "Nope, I am waiting for you" - which she finds disagreeable as well (ie, she said "don't live in hope of getting back with me / if it happens, it happens...").  

I wonder if it is her raging hormones (you always read about women approaching 40 reaching a sexual peak), COVID-isolation-related-anxiety or something else, but it is totally confusing and depressing.  She says she has "always lived for others, and wants to live for herself now" and "needs an identity / career / some means of supporting herself, to build her self-esteem" (she claims I have destroyed her self-esteem with my verbal assaults).  She is a positive and beautiful woman, and I am sorry that my behavior has done this to her...

I will try again to convince her of the merits of couples therapy - will let you know how it goes.  

 

[Caauug]

On 1/11/2021 at 10:43 PM, DEVOTED HUSBAND said:

I have begged her to reconsider and give me “another chance”

Begging does not normally help, it just lowers your status as a man.

On 1/12/2021 at 12:42 AM, DEVOTED HUSBAND said:

She wants me to consider renting her an apartment in our existing building (so we will be in the same building, and I can help out) on a 1-year lease, after the COVID crisis ends. 

Why so she can have her cake and eat it too??? You are not good enough to keep trying with the relationship but you are good enough to keep around to rent the apartment for her to find a new man??? That is bordering on chuckold!!! Don't go there. Set the ground rules on your terms, not hers. If she leaves she is gone for good, no coming back, no money from you and she can expect a divorce. What ever she gets in the divorce is all she is going to get. No added extras and she can look after her own health care. (That should get her back to Canada quick for the all inclusive health care). 

It sounds like you have been used for a long time, love does that. Now she wants to up it to abuse!!! Reject you as a man and life partner but still use your money..... Dam she's got some balls suggesting that, grow bigger ones yourself and put your foot down!!! Scream/yell at her one more time..... NO!!!!

Time to protect yourself, don't leave all your money in a joint bank account. Unload any high priced assets to trusted family or friends. Be prepared for the worst. She could be/will be your enemy come separation time. Share information only when required. Seek advise from the best divorce lawyer in your area, (visit the top 3 rated/hated lawyers, just so she can not use them).

On 1/12/2021 at 12:42 AM, DEVOTED HUSBAND said:

She says she has "always lived for others, and wants to live for herself now" and "needs an identity / career / some means of supporting herself, to build her self-esteem" (she claims I have destroyed her self-esteem with my verbal assaults).

Really??? She conned you into sponsoring her broken body and doing a partial rebuild using some of your body parts, you are the one suppressing your natural desires as to not risk hurting her and try to keep her healthy.... But she has always lived for others??? I believe the next part about living for herself.... You got her broken body back to the best it could be and now she wants to find someone better than you!!!! Hypergamy at it's finest, looking for the bigger better deal. Don't you dare fund this poor behavior!!!! If she doesn't want to work on the relationship send her packing!!! You want 100% from her and you are not her back up plan, be strong and firm with her. Do not accept sloppy seconds from her!!!

On 1/12/2021 at 12:42 AM, DEVOTED HUSBAND said:

"I don't have the same feeling for you / I don't think of you as a lover anymore, you are more of a protector / boss / almost a father figure, because you take care of me."

OMG!!! She actually said that??? You are her Betabux provider, your usefulness is nearly up, she was using you for your money, health care and body parts. You likely never did turn her on much sexually.... Now she's the best she can be she wants an Alpha that does turn her on.... The Alpha would never stick around with her broken body the way it was. At 40 her looks will be fading fast, so it's now or never, she's likely disappointed it has taken her this long with the body rebuild....

Wake up and take those rose coloured glasses off!!!! Her "love" for you, was only for as long as she could benefit from you, (if there was love there at all). She is now as good as she can be, or your usefulness is nearly complete. She wants a real man (Closer to an Alpha) but you can still pay for the apartment while they are pumping her....

If it wasn't for Covid, would she already be in an affair? Likely.... Desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

PS: You should just buy her a one way bus trip back to Canada.... 

[basil67]

On 1/12/2021 at 3:42 AM, DEVOTED HUSBAND said:

I will try again to convince her of the merits of couples therapy - will let you know how it goes.  

 

Couples therapy only has merits if both parties want to save the marriage.   My now ex asked me to come to therapy after I'd left him (he'd refused therapy while I was still there).   The first thing the therapist asks is for each party to answer the question "do you wish to save this marriage?"  He said Yes and I said No and that was that.  

If she wants to work on it....or is at least unsure, do it.  But if she's adamant that she doesn't want to save the marriage, there's no point in doing couples therapy.

[elaine567]

On 1/11/2021 at 4:42 PM, DEVOTED HUSBAND said:

she claims I have destroyed her self-esteem with my verbal assaults

You keep saying "she claims", don't you believe your verbal assaults could have done serious damage to her?

[d0nnivain]

On 1/11/2021 at 11:42 AM, DEVOTED HUSBAND said:

She wants me to consider renting her an apartment in our existing building (so we will be in the same building, and I can help out) on a 1-year lease, after the COVID crisis ends. 

 

Oh hell no!  If she wants out, she's on her own.  Period. 

That said you probably need to brush up on your immigration responsibility.  When you married you promised the federal government that you would support her.  It's more binding then alimony. 

[ctdans]

In your soon to be divorce make sure to ask for the return of the kidney.  She can keep the china and her rings.

[emprosnet7]

It is a sad reality that she does not want you anymore. I think you should accept and move on.

[emprosnet7]

Also it was a mistake to put guilt on her over the kidney, because she would have come out with her true feelings much earlier and would have saved you a lot of trouble.

[trident_2020]

On 1/19/2021 at 12:18 PM, ctdans said:

In your soon to be divorce make sure to ask for the return of the kidney.  She can keep the china and her rings.

I'd negotiate for higher ticket items, that kidney's worth at least her share of the 401k