Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[JAKE022]

Hi All , 

Im 25, me and my girlfriend were living together for almost 3 years now, our relationship was filled with love and support for each other, we had few hard moments but we always managed to fix them and come back even stronger together.

Last few weeks however wasnt perfect for us to maintain healthy relationship as everything is closed because of pandemic, i work from home all the time and start to feel side efects of it, for ex tiredness, monotony etc, she also works 2 jobs, 2 nd job she has is also from home so we usualy sit next to each other and talk while she is working , weekends are not better, as we both are studying online, however her lectures are from early morning till evenings very often she started crying because she couldnt handle all this stress and work at the same time.

i missed spending more time together and tried to help her with her work/ university duties however i didnt say anything as i didnt want to make her feel like im trying to destroy her dreams or future with the 2nd job she has. 

Even though everything seemed to be very good between us, during new year eve and next day she told me she is the happiest person with me and that she loves me very much, she told me that few more times last week also her actions and behaviour told me the same, there were no signs, at least i have not seen one of them and i look at the signs very carefully . This weekend she went to her mom to make a project for university, she stayed there for 2 days, before she left she kissed me and told me that she misses me already, and cant wait to get back to me. Than all friday and saturday morning she sent me text messages about how she loves me and misses me and asked me if we can spend whole sunday together i responded of course and i will cook amazing meal for us she seemed to be happy.

Now  few hours later when we started texting again because i checked how she feels , she said she thinks she is not happy anymore, and that our relationship is stuck in one place, that there are few things that i do that pushes her away, i asked her what is that and she mentioned few small things that are totally fixable and what is also important not against myself, i just had no idea that its so important to her or pushes her away, i told her that now since i know this we have a great place to work this out and im sure we will because i love her, she told me that she has no energy to fix things and work on this, that she loves me very much and im her best friend but thats probably not enough.

i was very shocked but i kept in mind that she is again very stressed and sad because of all this work and university so i tried to keep up the good spirit and explained to her that we can fix this because it is nothing that cannot be fixed asked her if she really still loves me she said yes, also asked her if there is someone else she said - no how can you think i could meet with someone. But i was just trying to get an answer for all of this. After few more minutes she told me she needs a break, she needs to be alone for now, i didnt know what that means to be honest till the next day when she came back and repeated everything and confirmed that she made her decision

i was shocked started crying, she was also crying. I stated that i am ready to work on our relationship and that covid oandemic is not helping us and i wont throw it away that i seen how she behaved towards me and this is not how a person who wants to leave acts but i cant do it myself and need her too, than i started packing my stuff, she wanted to be alone so i wanted to give her space immediately, i just heard her crying very loud, it was the worst feeling i have experienced hearing and seeing her like this. Before i left we hugged and i kissed her on the forehead asked her one more time to think about it and that i love her and i left our apartment, yesterday morning so not even a full day after i left - she texted me that she is truly sorry and that its really hard for her, but she feels like she dont know what to do snd she needs to be alone now

i wanted to have no contact after this to give her space so i just repeated what i said before, and just added that I understand but just lets give us some time and we can work it out.

I try not to contact her and give her space but its the hardest thing ever for me, i just wonder if there is a chance to get back together, it was really unexpected, all my friends are shocked because they always seen as as a couple goal. I hope it was all caused by the stress and workload and that her decision was made in emotions, but i dont know, of course lack of communication is the main reason it all happened but it still can be fixed in my opinion, do you think she can come back ti me ? 

Edited January 12, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs

[basil67]

She's working two jobs and doing Uni?   Doesn't sound like she's got time to scratch herself, let alone find the energy to fix things between you.   Something had to give and unfortunately, it was the relationship.   

Out of curiosity, do you have any thoughts on why she chose to jettison the relationship instead of one of her jobs?   Would there have been a way for her to pay for her living costs without having two jobs?

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

 This weekend she went to her mom to make a project for university, she stayed there for 2 days, 

Sorry this happened. How long have you lived together? Is it both of your apartment? Have you sorted out the details with severing the lease and household stuff.

Something happened on her visit home. Probably before the visit. She may have confided in friends and family about how stressful living together plus doing her jobs and trying to achieve her goals is.

She probably has feelings but something had to give. It seems like you were crowding her too much. 

You may have thought you were being helpful, but it seems it eventually got on her nerves.

The pandemic and work from home monotony gets to people and they burn out.

Take a deep breath, give her space.

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[JAKE022]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

She's working two jobs and doing Uni?   Doesn't sound like she's got time to scratch herself, let alone find the energy to fix things between you.   Something had to give and unfortunately, it was the relationship.   

Out of curiosity, do you have any thoughts on why she chose to jettison the relationship instead of one of her jobs?   Would there have been a way for her to pay for her living costs without having two jobs?

 

Yes she can easy pay for rent as its her grandmothers apartment, she basically does not pay anything and she earns enough to live a good life with her base salary, i never asked her or took her time when it was time to work, she knew this and appreciated it, i dont know what happened

[JAKE022]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long have you lived together? Is it both of your apartment? Have you sorted out the details with severing the lease and household stuff.

Something happened on her visit home. Probably before the visit. She may have confided in friends and family about how stressful living together plus doing her jobs and trying to achieve her goals is.

She probably has feelings but something had to give. It seems like you were crowding her too much. 

You may have thought you were being helpful, but it seems it eventually got on her nerves.

The pandemic and work from home monotony gets to people and they burn out.

Take a deep breath, give her space.

 

I actually dont think i got on her nerves as she even asked me to help her or to give her attention when i thought that it would be best for her that i would just mind my business for some time. On the visit she did the university whole 2 days and cried as she didnt have more energy for it i also doubt that anyone has said something about me as her family really likes me,  i know she wont give up the 2nd job but i thought that we can reshedule it and my 1st guess about what she could give up is uni as she hates it and does not want to complete it but maybe i was wrong, i gave her space much space, i think its my only hope right now, to let things cool down , and maybe i will try to talk to her next week if she does not talk first , what you think ?

[JAKE022]

We have been living together for 2,5 years, during our last convo she never used word - break up, even in her message to me the next day, i hope this decision was just mix of bad emotions and she will try with me to fix this in some time. I know i go through a denial phase but i actually do not belive her that what she said is 100% true and she really wants a break or break up ( i dont even know what it is at least i know we will talk again as i asked her if she will think about it once again and she confirmed) you know , looking back at how she acted towards me and what she said even day before just says to me that she dont want this relationship to end but at the same time she dont know how to talk

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like stress & Covid fatigue are getting the better of her.  She wants to be nurtured (don't we all?) & may have found more of that at home with mom & dad. 

She may calm down in time but it's not a great sign right now. 

[JAKE022]

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It sounds like stress & Covid fatigue are getting the better of her.  She wants to be nurtured (don't we all?) & may have found more of that at home with mom & dad. 

She may calm down in time but it's not a great sign right now. 

Yes this is what i think also,  my only chance is that she will miss me and decide to work things out with me, it will be really a big loss, i never seen any relationship like ours, best friends in love, with the same goals in life, attracted mentaly and physically. I mean i know she misses me but i need to give her time to rethink everything, i believe that if she still loves me ( and this is what she said even after whole conversation) there is a big chance that we will come back to each other, i just need to show her that i could change the things she have mentioned, just need to figure out how to prove that to her

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, JAKE022 said:

 i just need to show her that i could change the things she have mentioned, just need to figure out how to prove that to her

You can't prove this to her & you changing because she demanded it is not the answer. 

[JAKE022]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can't prove this to her & you changing because she demanded it is not the answer. 

Not really i can change these things because these are small things that are not against my character or will, also some of them would make me a better person overall, for ex if she told me she wants more of my initiative on the weekends - this exactly what i wanted to do but never done it because of how much work she had so i didnt think she would acctually accept this, now that i know about it it might be too late but again if we talked about this before im sure this whole situation would not exist because there would be no misunderstanding 

[tart6245]

Sounds a bit like my situation except the student aspect. My ex and I broke up. Covid fatigue had really been getting to me as well, and I was frustrated with the monotony of life this fall/winter. I voiced my frustrations to my ex probably too often, and it pushed her away. My ex also told me she loved me and wanted to be with me 100% about 2 weeks before she packed up and left. 

She gave me a laundry list of things that were wrong - all were pretty easy fixes with proper communication, but she didn't do that. I'm still going through with the changes for myself. Even if she never comes back, it will make me better for the next person I date. 

It's bizarre stuff. All I can say is give it time and don't try to contact her. I've stayed strong through 3 weeks and am going to try to keep going with it. 

[JAKE022]

13 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Sounds a bit like my situation except the student aspect. My ex and I broke up. Covid fatigue had really been getting to me as well, and I was frustrated with the monotony of life this fall/winter. I voiced my frustrations to my ex probably too often, and it pushed her away. My ex also told me she loved me and wanted to be with me 100% about 2 weeks before she packed up and left. 

She gave me a laundry list of things that were wrong - all were pretty easy fixes with proper communication, but she didn't do that. I'm still going through with the changes for myself. Even if she never comes back, it will make me better for the next person I date. 

It's bizarre stuff. All I can say is give it time and don't try to contact her. I've stayed strong through 3 weeks and am going to try to keep going with it. 

Sorry to hear that  however i never voiced my frustration on her, there was no signs really just this work and study this was the only part that from my point of view was making her sad. Im doing no contact right now but i respond when she text me, well it happend only once yesterday, however i know i wont be able to do no contact for that long as I still have some of my stuff at her home so in this or next week i will have to come there probably i will try to talk with her as things are nit completely done as she agreed to think about it. hopefully things will work out before that

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

Sorry to hear that  however i never voiced my frustration on her, there was no signs really just this work and study this was the only part that from my point of view was making her sad. Im doing no contact right now but i respond when she text me, well it happend only once yesterday, however i know i wont be able to do no contact for that long as I still have some of my stuff at her home so in this or next week i will have to come there probably i will try to talk with her as things are nit completely done as she agreed to think about it. hopefully things will work out before that

It's fine to set up a way to get your things back. But after that, you need to cut ties completely. As hard as it is, if she isn't willing to talk about a plan to get back together, there is no reason to continue communication. It just makes things much harder. 

[JAKE022]

10 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

It's fine to set up a way to get your things back. But after that, you need to cut ties completely. As hard as it is, if she isn't willing to talk about a plan to get back together, there is no reason to continue communication. It just makes things much harder. 

I agree, my friend been in similar situation , his ex came back after few months and they are together since then. i just received a message from her she told me again how much work she has for the uni and that she didnt pass 2 subjects/lectures, and that FOR NOW she wont change her decision because she need some space and if i will come to get my stuff back - this only kind of confirmed to me what i thought and you guys, that work/stress is the main cause of this, not the best feeling... however i didnt expected her to write to me at all , i didnt want to because i knew that 1,5 day is not enough for emotions to cool down 

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like she's overwhelmed with life and the pandemic and there are no fundamental problems with your relationship. Give her space, be kind and supportive if she reaches out, and I think there's a good chance you could get back together eventually.

[dramafreezone]

8 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Hi All , 

Im 25, me and my girlfriend were living together for almost 3 years now, our relationship was filled with love and support for each other, we had few hard moments but we always managed to fix them and come back even stronger together.

Last few weeks however wasnt perfect for us to maintain healthy relationship as everything is closed because of pandemic, i work from home all the time and start to feel side efects of it, for ex tiredness, monotony etc, she also works 2 jobs, 2 nd job she has is also from home so we usualy sit next to each other and talk while she is working , weekends are not better, as we both are studying online, however her lectures are from early morning till evenings very often she started crying because she couldnt handle all this stress and work at the same time.

i missed spending more time together and tried to help her with her work/ university duties however i didnt say anything as i didnt want to make her feel like im trying to destroy her dreams or future with the 2nd job she has. 

Even though everything seemed to be very good between us, during new year eve and next day she told me she is the happiest person with me and that she loves me very much, she told me that few more times last week also her actions and behaviour told me the same, there were no signs, at least i have not seen one of them and i look at the signs very carefully . This weekend she went to her mom to make a project for university, she stayed there for 2 days, before she left she kissed me and told me that she misses me already, and cant wait to get back to me. Than all friday and saturday morning she sent me text messages about how she loves me and misses me and asked me if we can spend whole sunday together i responded of course and i will cook amazing meal for us she seemed to be happy.

Now  few hours later when we started texting again because i checked how she feels , she said she thinks she is not happy anymore, and that our relationship is stuck in one place, that there are few things that i do that pushes her away, i asked her what is that and she mentioned few small things that are totally fixable and what is also important not against myself, i just had no idea that its so important to her or pushes her away, i told her that now since i know this we have a great place to work this out and im sure we will because i love her, she told me that she has no energy to fix things and work on this, that she loves me very much and im her best friend but thats probably not enough.

i was very shocked but i kept in mind that she is again very stressed and sad because of all this work and university so i tried to keep up the good spirit and explained to her that we can fix this because it is nothing that cannot be fixed asked her if she really still loves me she said yes, also asked her if there is someone else she said - no how can you think i could meet with someone. But i was just trying to get an answer for all of this. After few more minutes she told me she needs a break, she needs to be alone for now, i didnt know what that means to be honest till the next day when she came back and repeated everything and confirmed that she made her decision

i was shocked started crying, she was also crying. I stated that i am ready to work on our relationship and that covid oandemic is not helping us and i wont throw it away that i seen how she behaved towards me and this is not how a person who wants to leave acts but i cant do it myself and need her too, than i started packing my stuff, she wanted to be alone so i wanted to give her space immediately, i just heard her crying very loud, it was the worst feeling i have experienced hearing and seeing her like this. Before i left we hugged and i kissed her on the forehead asked her one more time to think about it and that i love her and i left our apartment, yesterday morning so not even a full day after i left - she texted me that she is truly sorry and that its really hard for her, but she feels like she dont know what to do snd she needs to be alone now

i wanted to have no contact after this to give her space so i just repeated what i said before, and just added that I understand but just lets give us some time and we can work it out.

I try not to contact her and give her space but its the hardest thing ever for me, i just wonder if there is a chance to get back together, it was really unexpected, all my friends are shocked because they always seen as as a couple goal. I hope it was all caused by the stress and workload and that her decision was made in emotions, but i dont know, of course lack of communication is the main reason it all happened but it still can be fixed in my opinion, do you think she can come back ti me ? 

So much to unpack here.  First, when she says the's the happiest she's ever been, she's telling you how she feels IN THAT MOMENT.  Tomorrow you could be Jerk of the Year to her.  So what she said on NYE doesn't mean much.  Hell I read in another thread where the man gave the woman a damn kidney and she broke up with him.  Unfortunately having done a great thing or her feeling really great one day doesn't carry over.

Next, the courtship never stops.  Ever.  She's how old, I'm assuming the same age, around 25?  She's at her peak sexual attractiveness right now.  She has a lot of suitors.  If you have a bad few weeks at that age that's enough for a lot of women to lose interest.  This is a bad way to look at it, but I think the extent to which people love each other is overstated.  When you're in love with someone, that actually means you love the way they make *you* feel.  When you stop making them feel that way, then they fall out of love.  That's basically what happened here, you stopped making her feel a certain way, so she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.

All of the reasons she's giving as to how you pushed her away is her rationalizing her emotions with logic.  We all do it.  If you fixed these things she would not magically be back in love with you.

Unfortunately I think you've done several things to make things worse for yourself.  You asked if she still loves you?  Mistake.  You asked if there's another guy?  Mistake.  You asked what you need to fix?  Mistake.  All of that makes you appear insecure and as if you're seeking her approval.  That's not the guy she fell in love with.  That guy would know she still loves you, and that how could there be another guy because you're so awesome.

That said, I think there is another guy.  I'm super cyincal that way but more often than not when a woman breaks up with a guy there's at least another guy somewhere (maybe at her new job) that's caught her eye.  At her age, it's a high probability.  Maybe she'll wait a little while but I think there's a decent chance there is another guy. 

In any event, stop trying to fix the situation.  This is done for now.  Even if you are hell-bent on getting her back, the single best thing you could do is to stoically allow her to move on, and keep it together externally even though I know you feel like crap on the inside.  Don't let her see it.  Don't lose your temper, don't delete her phone number, don't stalk her on social media, don't do anything that would make you seem like you're chasing her.  It's not going to help you.

If there are things you want to improve in your life, do it for you, not her.  Maybe things can be rekindled but she's made her decision.  Move on, date other women, get back into the gym.

Edited January 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[basil67]

8 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes she can easy pay for rent as its her grandmothers apartment, she basically does not pay anything and she earns enough to live a good life with her base salary, i never asked her or took her time when it was time to work, she knew this and appreciated it, i dont know what happened

Ok, so why has she chosen to take on so much work?  And why is she continuing even when she's so fatigued?

[JAKE022]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ok, so why has she chosen to take on so much work?  And why is she continuing even when she's so fatigued?

Well, she wants too keep her normal job to pay the bills and put food on the table, and she keeps the 2nd job to save more money but whats more important it is what she always wanted to do at least untill october where 2nd job required more work from her and she didnt stop even tho the person who she works for told her that they can slow down a bit, but no.. and than there is a University - family pressure, her grandparents, mother they all want her to get a master degree , they pay for it and they demand return, they often put pressure on her when she feels like quitting for a 10th time they tell her that she have to complete it and they dont want to hear her talking like this again

[basil67]

Sorry Jake, it looks like she's chosen being a workaholic and not standing up to her family over her relationship with you.    (((hugs)))

[JAKE022]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry Jake, it looks like she's chosen being a workaholic and not standing up to her family over her relationship with you.    (((hugs)))

Yup, unfortunately i think you are right, however time will show, i dont loose hope yet as i know her very well she often said or did something in similar mental states that after week or two she regretted, she really has a problem with dealing with bad emotions, if one bad thing happens than she sees everything as a problem that needs to be cutted off, this time it was our relationship, i try to give her space and wait  but she texted me few times already and its just a 2nd day.

[Ruby Slippers]

11 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

but she texted me few times already and its just a 2nd day.

This bodes well. As the sayings go: Familiarity breeds contempt... and absence makes the heart grow fonder. 

[JAKE022]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This bodes well. As the sayings go: Familiarity breeds contempt... and absence makes the heart grow fonder. 

Yes  i hope so, i try nit to put any pressure or sound desperate when i reply and just let her know that i respect her decision but im open for conversation. I do not text 1st , only respond because i dont want to put no negative vibes,

[maggiemtn]

Just curious why you felt the need to “check in on how she feels” a few hours after you talked? Do you mean romantically toward you? If so, that’s extreme insecurity that will drive anyone away. I’m sorry this happened but the best thing to do is work on your insecurities while you are NOT in a relationship, and go back into one when you are confident and secure in yourself. Having to ask your partner how they feel about you is not a relationship I’d  want to be on either side of. 

[JAKE022]

4 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

Just curious why you felt the need to “check in on how she feels” a few hours after you talked? Do you mean romantically toward you? If so, that’s extreme insecurity that will drive anyone away. I’m sorry this happened but the best thing to do is work on your insecurities while you are NOT in a relationship, and go back into one when you are confident and secure in yourself. Having to ask your partner how they feel about you is not a relationship I’d  want to be on either side of. 

I did not asked her about how she feels about me few hours after conversation, after that she was texting me 1st all the time , i never asked her about it. Was i thinking about it ? Of course, who wouldnt, is this insecurity ? I dont know , i want to congratulate anyone who dont think about things like this after his gf broke up 

[maggiemtn]

“asked me if we can spend whole sunday together i responded of course and i will cook amazing meal for us she seemed to be happy. Now  few hours later when we started texting again because i checked how she feels , she said she thinks she is not happy anymore”

“I look for signs very carefully” 

Okay so maybe I’m reading it wrong but it sounds like this happened *before* you broke up, not after. If you’re not secure and confident in yourself, it radiates out to everyone you love, especially your partner. And then they start to pull away. It’s ended many a relationship, including mine. Work on yourself first, go back to relationships later. 

Edited January 13, 2021 by maggiemtn