Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[JAKE022]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, as do I. I'm nearly 40 and  I have seen couples reunite several times. 

And in the vast majority of cases, those couples have broken up again later, often due to the same problems that drove them apart to begin with. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but rather to point out that some of us have seen a little further around the corner here. You may be the exception, it's possible. Just proceed with caution. 

I am aware of that and i will only come back with her if we put some effort into fixing it, I would like her to communicate with me about whats bad not only whats good in our relationship and only than it will work out i think, as there no big problems between us.

[tart6245]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, as do I. I'm nearly 40 and  I have seen couples reunite several times. 

And in the vast majority of cases, those couples have broken up again later, often due to the same problems that drove them apart to begin with. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but rather to point out that some of us have seen a little further around the corner here. You may be the exception, it's possible. Just proceed with caution. 

This is correct. I did give an ex a second chance after being told how they had fixed everything and identified all the problems, but we lasted a month before the same issues resurfaced and ended up breaking up again. We have big problems though initially, and it was going to be extremely hard to fix them without dedication from both sides, which we did not have.

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

I am aware of that and i will only come back with her if we put some effort into fixing it, I would like her to communicate with me about whats bad not only whats good in our relationship and only than it will work out i think, as there no big problems between us.

That will only work if she's interested in working on whatever issues are plaguing you. Often times, the dumper is just not interested in doing that and thinks it is best to start over with someone new. 

[flitzanu]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, as do I. I'm nearly 40 and  I have seen couples reunite several times. 

And in the vast majority of cases, those couples have broken up again later, often due to the same problems that drove them apart to begin with. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but rather to point out that some of us have seen a little further around the corner here. You may be the exception, it's possible. Just proceed with caution. 

this.  all this.

hard truth is, we all want to believe that we are the exception when we are just "the rule."  i've been there, done that, many times now, always thinking i had something special, when it was simply another "rule" and nothing about it was the exception.  we are all trying to warn you to brace for the worst, because the happy endings are NOT common, and very rare.

[JAKE022]

57 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

this.  all this.

hard truth is, we all want to believe that we are the exception when we are just "the rule."  i've been there, done that, many times now, always thinking i had something special, when it was simply another "rule" and nothing about it was the exception.  we are all trying to warn you to brace for the worst, because the happy endings are NOT common, and very rare.

I am slowly getting ready for this, today i even found a new apartment i will probably live in for the next few months , i have to say that I appreciate all comments here, it is somehow a little therapy for me, it was 1st person in my life who i been with for that long and that i was sure i want to marry so its veeeery hard for me to ease up the pain now. But im slowly start to accept that this is over, of course i have a little hope left but this is how i am 

[tart6245]

24 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I am slowly getting ready for this, today i even found a new apartment i will probably live in for the next few months , i have to say that I appreciate all comments here, it is somehow a little therapy for me, it was 1st person in my life who i been with for that long and that i was sure i want to marry so its veeeery hard for me to ease up the pain now. But im slowly start to accept that this is over, of course i have a little hope left but this is how i am 

With time you will get there. I am on the same path. Each day, I get closer to accepting that this is over, and I need to drop the idea of reaching out to my ex to try to talk and salvage things. 

I'm over 3 weeks into the breakup now. I fee way better than I did 3 weeks ago, but it really does suck and I can't believe I am where I am. I keep thinking she will reach out to me sometime in the next few weeks, but I know that's likely a pipe dream.

[JAKE022]

49 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

With time you will get there. I am on the same path. Each day, I get closer to accepting that this is over, and I need to drop the idea of reaching out to my ex to try to talk and salvage things. 

I'm over 3 weeks into the breakup now. I fee way better than I did 3 weeks ago, but it really does suck and I can't believe I am where I am. I keep thinking she will reach out to me sometime in the next few weeks, but I know that's likely a pipe dream.

I feel you, you seem to be very confident and thats a great thing during times like this. My only reason that probably holds me back from fully accepting this is that she was mentioning “break” “space” “for now” “for some time” she never used word break up and that its over for her, this is probably big mindf*** for every men as we want things clear , you want to be with me kr not, so at the right time when ill come to get my stuff i will demand her final decision so i would just move on 

[tart6245]

5 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I feel you, you seem to be very confident and thats a great thing during times like this. My only reason that probably holds me back from fully accepting this is that she was mentioning “break” “space” “for now” “for some time” she never used word break up and that its over for her, this is probably big mindf*** for every men as we want things clear , you want to be with me kr not, so at the right time when ill come to get my stuff i will demand her final decision so i would just move on 

My ex said the same - she didn't know if we were done forever or not, but she had to leave and decide on her next move. She told me she wasn't going to see other people and that I shouldn't try to send her long messages during the work day. She never said we were done forever even when I asked her what I should tell my family if we ever got back together, because I didn't want to burn bridges with her and them. 

My point is, you just don't know. All I know is it has been a little over 3 weeks for me and she has been completely silent. Part of me is OK with that, because the only way I'd want to talk to her is if she was thinking of reconciling or at least working towards that. Her silence only tells me she is not interested or she isn't ready

[JAKE022]

55 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

My ex said the same - she didn't know if we were done forever or not, but she had to leave and decide on her next move. She told me she wasn't going to see other people and that I shouldn't try to send her long messages during the work day. She never said we were done forever even when I asked her what I should tell my family if we ever got back together, because I didn't want to burn bridges with her and them. 

My point is, you just don't know. All I know is it has been a little over 3 weeks for me and she has been completely silent. Part of me is OK with that, because the only way I'd want to talk to her is if she was thinking of reconciling or at least working towards that. Her silence only tells me she is not interested or she isn't ready

It makes me regret not packing all my stuff in 1st take ... our situation is almost the same its crazy, i know i might sound angry but I really don’t understand how they could act like this, i try but if there are no signs and they broke up so fast leaving us in uncertainty .. it just nit seems fair, we were both closest people to them for a past few years, maybe my way of thinking is different when it comes to relationship but for me it is really screwed , did she texted you at least once after she left your home ?

Edited January 14, 2021 by JAKE022

[Marc878]

Dumpers for the most part aren’t going to tell you the full truth. They want to let you down easy and it works better for them that way. You don’t matter that much or you wouldn’t be getting dumped.

Living on hopium at this time just keeps you in limbo. You are the only one keep yourself there.

[tart6245]

4 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

It makes me regret not packing all my stuff in 1st take ... our situation is almost the same its crazy, i know i might sound angry but I really don’t understand how they could act like this, i try but if there are no signs and they broke up so fast leaving us in uncertainty .. it just nit seems fair, we were both closest people to them for a past few years, maybe my way of thinking is different when it comes to relationship but for me it is really screwed , did she texted you at least once after she left your home ?

She waited until I came home from work to tell me she was leaving. She acted completely normal the night and morning before she left. I have no idea how she was able to do it without acting off at all. Maybe I just didn't notice because I never expected it would happen. I'm not angry at her. I am just confused still as to how we got to where we are so quickly. All the reason she gave were things normal people talk about and work through. I guess she was not interested in doing that so she left. I may never know what was the trigger or why she left, and I am prepared never to have any answers. 

At the end of the day, neither of us were important enough to our exes to make things work. Eventually I will understand its her loss, not mine, and she won't ever find the life I could give her or the strong group of people that I surround myself with. She may not know it now, but she'll realize that eventually. 

[JAKE022]

5 hours ago, tarheelian said:

She waited until I came home from work to tell me she was leaving. She acted completely normal the night and morning before she left. I have no idea how she was able to do it without acting off at all. Maybe I just didn't notice because I never expected it would happen. I'm not angry at her. I am just confused still as to how we got to where we are so quickly. All the reason she gave were things normal people talk about and work through. I guess she was not interested in doing that so she left. I may never know what was the trigger or why she left, and I am prepared never to have any answers. 

At the end of the day, neither of us were important enough to our exes to make things work. Eventually I will understand its her loss, not mine, and she won't ever find the life I could give her or the strong group of people that I surround myself with. She may not know it now, but she'll realize that eventually. 

Sorry to hear that man  i will have at least one more conversation with her when i come to her home probably next week, i have no idea how it will go, and if she made up her mind yet or not, i will probably take her for a walk and tell her what i have found out during this nc period, and my solution to this, and i will see if she is willing to fix things with me or not, if not i will just move on 

[JAKE022]

One thing i now regret is that i never set any time frame of this break/ her time alone until she would make her final statement. I have ran through our 2 last conversations with a colder head than before (convos from friday and saturday) and i can clearly see that she has a lot of going on in her mind, first she told me that she is unhappy since some time than she told me she misses me and love me, than she tells me about all of the things i have described and than she told me that she will make it up for me calling me “love” and “my dear” all through this, i just said wow i have not realized how lost she was while writing it to me

[JAKE022]

To give you guys a little update : its over we going to meet on saturday but she texted me that she packed the rest of my clothes etc we exchanged few emotional messages and i can already tell that its over , saturday meeting is just to show each other some respect and end it... this is the worst day of my life, i love her so much i cant even tell, i will probably go to a therapist as i can hardly deal with life right now

[JAKE022]

I was just about to delete all our pictures from last 3 years but i cant it is just too hard

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, JAKE022 said:

I was just about to delete all our pictures from last 3 years but i cant it is just too hard

That's ok. Just make a folder and put them in there. This is a chapter in your life. That's fine.

It's fresh and raw now, but it won't always be. 

[JAKE022]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. Just make a folder and put them in there. This is a chapter in your life. That's fine.

It's fresh and raw now, but it won't always be. 

Yes but all pictures on social media are still there  she has some and i have too, i hope one day we will meet and be together again ... i know how it sounds but we were really a great couple, just lack of communication.. 

[flitzanu]

out of sight, out of mind.  the faster you remove / hide / trash / all the things associated with her the sooner you can start healing.  speaking from experience.

[Leki]

It’s a very hard situation to go through and i feel you as my ex decided that she wanted space also.. times can be tough especially when there is the hardship that life throws at you. But i strongly believe that together things can be so much more easier and less stressful for both of you. My ex still messages me but i will only respond with respect in return so i wouldn’t go chasing her bro.. fact is she made that decision to walk away and it’s not on you.. yes i still love her but she turned her back on me and i don’t know if i can trust that it won’t happen again.. if you truly love someone then you carry it and work through together.. that’s love 

[JAKE022]

2 hours ago, Leki said:

It’s a very hard situation to go through and i feel you as my ex decided that she wanted space also.. times can be tough especially when there is the hardship that life throws at you. But i strongly believe that together things can be so much more easier and less stressful for both of you. My ex still messages me but i will only respond with respect in return so i wouldn’t go chasing her bro.. fact is she made that decision to walk away and it’s not on you.. yes i still love her but she turned her back on me and i don’t know if i can trust that it won’t happen again.. if you truly love someone then you carry it and work through together.. that’s love 

Real talk, i will heal from that sooner or later, but damn man i had this one i always dream about ... perfect girl, we had our ups and downs but i never thought that it would end this way, im dumb lover so i will fight till the end even when we talk on saturday i will still have hope that she will text me or call me , but this is how i am, my heart is bigger than my body 

[JAKE022]

One more thing that got me devastated- she told me yesterday that the biggest issue she had with our relationship is that we did not make any bigger/ important plans together, which is kind of right we were planning our trips aroud the world but that was basically it, however i planned in my head to propose to her right after lockdown is over, i didnt want to propose to her in the kitchen... i also slowly started to give her hints about buying a house together but we never really sat down and talked about it  i got so many lessons from that sad situation ... 

[tart6245]

Yeah, what happened to you is what I fear would happen to me if I reach out to my ex. While she originally left the door open, I am afraid she will slam it shut and all hope will be gone. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not when it comes to my healing process, because right now, I keep  holding on to a small bit of hope that there is a chance we reconcile and that she's missing me right now and starting to regret what she did. But I don't know. 

As for her reasons, it sounds like what my ex said to me when she left. That she felt like she would have to push me to get engaged and have a family. I, too, was planning on an engagement this year. I guess neither thought we were worth waiting for any longer nor were we worth talking to about all of this before they just leave. 

[JAKE022]

3 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Yeah, what happened to you is what I fear would happen to me if I reach out to my ex. While she originally left the door open, I am afraid she will slam it shut and all hope will be gone. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not when it comes to my healing process, because right now, I keep  holding on to a small bit of hope that there is a chance we reconcile and that she's missing me right now and starting to regret what she did. But I don't know. 

As for her reasons, it sounds like what my ex said to me when she left. That she felt like she would have to push me to get engaged and have a family. I, too, was planning on an engagement this year. I guess neither thought we were worth waiting for any longer nor were we worth talking to about all of this before they just leave. 

Were we dating the same person ? Haha

We will meet on saturday just to end things with respect i dont expect any other outcome, yet i will still have hape that one day she will reach out to me, as i still dont believe that she left me just like this- yes i know i know, she did but i know her and i know how she act under stress so there is always small chance that she will think about it one day and we will try to rebuild relationship. However if their love for us was pure they wouldnt left us, turn they back on us, never wanted to talk to us about anything that pushes them away when it was right time for it - i will never understand why. 

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Were we dating the same person ? Haha

We will meet on saturday just to end things with respect i dont expect any other outcome, yet i will still have hape that one day she will reach out to me, as i still dont believe that she left me just like this- yes i know i know, she did but i know her and i know how she act under stress so there is always small chance that she will think about it one day and we will try to rebuild relationship. However if their love for us was pure they wouldnt left us, turn they back on us, never wanted to talk to us about anything that pushes them away when it was right time for it - i will never understand why. 

Right. We were either not worth it or they were incapable of communicating their issues to us so they took the easy way out and just left. 

It's always possible there are other issues doing on that we are unaware of and they never told us and probably never will. Or maybe not. However, in my case, if she wanted an engagement or for me to move things along, I wish she had talked to me. Now, both of us are going to have to start over and push that process back even further. Perhaps she'll find someone to fast track things and she'll be engaged within a year of meeting someone new. Who knows. 

[JAKE022]

16 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Right. We were either not worth it or they were incapable of communicating their issues to us so they took the easy way out and just left. 

It's always possible there are other issues doing on that we are unaware of and they never told us and probably never will. Or maybe not. However, in my case, if she wanted an engagement or for me to move things along, I wish she had talked to me. Now, both of us are going to have to start over and push that process back even further. Perhaps she'll find someone to fast track things and she'll be engaged within a year of meeting someone new. Who knows. 

Right, i highly doubt it, untill they learn how to communicate properly in a relationship. It is just this thought that wont keep my mind in peace is that this all was easy to fix if addressed at the right time, funny thing is that she now telling me bunch of things i did that she didnt like and then i searched deep down in my heart if there is anything that pushed me away from her ? And realized that there is no such thing besides communication because i confronted my girlfriend with everything that i didnt like immediately, she eventually got angry for few hours but than problem was resolved. Why she didnt talk to me about her issues with the relationship  ? I dont know, maybe they assumed that it should be like in those movies and we should know everything and there should be no problems at all