Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[tart6245]

9 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

In my opinion she would have to recognize her problem with communication, if she does than we are one step closer to rebuild what have been lost, than if she is willing to really work on it, in my plan we could also go to couples therapy, that would slowly make me trust her again of course i would have to work on it too, and help each other with it, everything can be done

But that's the issue. Will she recognize she played a role in the relationship's demise? Often times, that doesn't happen. When my ex left, she said she knew she was not perfect, but levied most of the blame on me and how she felt she would have to push me to ever get married or have kids, among other things. 

[JAKE022]

7 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

But that's the issue. Will she recognize she played a role in the relationship's demise? Often times, that doesn't happen. When my ex left, she said she knew she was not perfect, but levied most of the blame on me and how she felt she would have to push me to ever get married or have kids, among other things. 

If she doesnt she probably wont come back, i know my ex already said to me that it is most of her fault, there is a lot of risk connected to coming back but i know i can take it, there would be some trust issues on my side for sure at least in the beginning,

[JAKE022]

However i do not assume it will happen, im making plans for my future now and she is not in it,

[ExpatInItaly]

I have to be honest, I know very few couples who have reconciled and then stayed that way. 

I don't mean for another few months or couple years. I mean those who wound up together in marriage or an otherwise permanent partnership. I know one couple who has successfully done so. They've been "back together" for nearly 20 years now, and married for 12 of those, with children. The other? Yes, they reconciled. But It's not a happy marriage. They continue to have the same problems they've really always had. It seemed to go okay and "stronger" at first, but a few years on, and I don't think either would say they're particularly happy. Just used to each other. 

The other reconciliations I've seen among friends and family almost always resulted in a second break-up down the line. The issues often resurfaced, and coupled with the damage done by the first break-up, it's more than most can sustain over the long term. 

My point isn't to dash all hopes, but to highlight that successful reconciliations are absolutely the exception. Not the norm. 

[JAKE022]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have to be honest, I know very few couples who have reconciled and then stayed that way. 

I don't mean for another few months or couple years. I mean those who wound up together in marriage or an otherwise permanent partnership. I know one couple who has successfully done so. They've been "back together" for nearly 20 years now, and married for 12 of those, with children. The other? Yes, they reconciled. But It's not a happy marriage. They continue to have the same problems they've really always had. It seemed to go okay and "stronger" at first, but a few years on, and I don't think either would say they're particularly happy. Just used to each other. 

The other reconciliations I've seen among friends and family almost always resulted in a second break-up down the line. The issues often resurfaced, and coupled with the damage done by the first break-up, it's more than most can sustain over the long term. 

My point isn't to dash all hopes, but to highlight that successful reconciliations are absolutely the exception. Not the norm. 

I am aware of that and I appreciate your honesty, maybe im just stupid but for me if i love someone i will fight for them/us untill i know that its over and nothing can be fixed, in our situation i know that a lot can be changed and most of those things wont even require a lot of work ( on my side at least there are of course other things that would be harder to fix but its not impossible) some things i was not aware that were pushing her away but are not anything that i cannot change, but than again we have to talk about it so we are both aware of our issues immediately, i always talked with her about things that she does which make me uncomfortable or even sad, she always thought about it and than fixed it but i didnt give her hints/clues , i just sat down with her and talked like grown people, it always worked, than why she thought that she dont want to do the same with me but about her issues ? I dont know, maybe this is just how she is, however if we ever get back together and i will still be single i know i will give our relationship 2nd chance a little leap of faith 

[preciousgaucho]

8 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

I am aware of that and I appreciate your honesty, maybe im just stupid but for me if i love someone i will fight for them/us untill i know that its over and nothing can be fixed, in our situation i know that a lot can be changed and most of those things wont even require a lot of work ( on my side at least there are of course other things that would be harder to fix but its not impossible) some things i was not aware that were pushing her away but are not anything that i cannot change, but than again we have to talk about it so we are both aware of our issues immediately, i always talked with her about things that she does which make me uncomfortable or even sad, she always thought about it and than fixed it but i didnt give her hints/clues , i just sat down with her and talked like grown people, it always worked, than why she thought that she dont want to do the same with me but about her issues ? I dont know, maybe this is just how she is, however if we ever get back together and i will still be single i know i will give our relationship 2nd chance a little leap of faith 

Ugh I feel your story so much. My boyfriend just broke up with me and it felt like it came out of no where. He had a bunch going on too: family issues, work related trauma, emotional issues that made it hard for him to deal with emotions and communicate. 

I am in the same boat where it feels like you just lost the perfect person. Even though they weren't perfect and had their flaws, that almost made them perfect. I still am living in that hope that oh, we'll grow apart for a bit and then find our way back together. We'll miss each other and then come back as more grown people who have dealt with our flaws and be better then ever. 

I think its okay to hold onto a bit of hope, as it brings us security and comfort in all the uncertainty. However, whats hard is that we have no control over it. Maybe in that time apart she'll realize she needs more time on her own. Maybe in my situation his healing of emotional traumas will lead him away from me, not back to me. It seems that we are in the same boat in that we did not break up for a lack of love. Really the opposite. Loving so much that almost needing to figure out individual things to be better for our partner. 

I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. If she's truly the one, she'll come back. If my guy is the one for me, then his healing will lead to me. However, until then, do you and keep growing as an individual for you. And then maybe one day we'll realize that they aren't coming back but that we've grown anyways, and will be ready to give that better person to someone who will cherish us and never let go even with any work/emotional stress. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

maybe im just stupid but for me if i love someone i will fight for them/us untill i know that its over and nothing can be fixed,

The problem with this is you can't fight for anything if the other has already left the ring. 

You're not stupid. You're hurting, and like anyone who's been dumped, looking for hope for the future. It will take some time to realize that if she could leave just like that, with essentially no warning, this might not be a relationship that was worth fighting for anymore. 

[JAKE022]

2 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

Ugh I feel your story so much. My boyfriend just broke up with me and it felt like it came out of no where. He had a bunch going on too: family issues, work related trauma, emotional issues that made it hard for him to deal with emotions and communicate. 

I am in the same boat where it feels like you just lost the perfect person. Even though they weren't perfect and had their flaws, that almost made them perfect. I still am living in that hope that oh, we'll grow apart for a bit and then find our way back together. We'll miss each other and then come back as more grown people who have dealt with our flaws and be better then ever. 

I think its okay to hold onto a bit of hope, as it brings us security and comfort in all the uncertainty. However, whats hard is that we have no control over it. Maybe in that time apart she'll realize she needs more time on her own. Maybe in my situation his healing of emotional traumas will lead him away from me, not back to me. It seems that we are in the same boat in that we did not break up for a lack of love. Really the opposite. Loving so much that almost needing to figure out individual things to be better for our partner. 

I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. If she's truly the one, she'll come back. If my guy is the one for me, then his healing will lead to me. However, until then, do you and keep growing as an individual for you. And then maybe one day we'll realize that they aren't coming back but that we've grown anyways, and will be ready to give that better person to someone who will cherish us and never let go even with any work/emotional stress. 

Im sorry this happened, unfortunately only time can save us, i did not want to delete our pictures from social medias , i didnt have an energy to erase those memories, so testerday i had few drinks and did it , funny how i wanted to recover them right after but it was too late, all those great memories are gone now, worst feeling ever...  i will meet with my ex today but this will be i think my last attempt to save this relationship. Keep your head up and everything will fall in place sooner or later, 

[preciousgaucho]

23 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Im sorry this happened, unfortunately only time can save us, i did not want to delete our pictures from social medias , i didnt have an energy to erase those memories, so testerday i had few drinks and did it , funny how i wanted to recover them right after but it was too late, all those great memories are gone now, worst feeling ever...  i will meet with my ex today but this will be i think my last attempt to save this relationship. Keep your head up and everything will fall in place sooner or later, 

Oh wow, so soon to meet! I think that makes it harder in the short term, but easier in the long term. That way any hope you might have had really be addressed. I think if you all were not to meet, then time away from the situation could make her miss you (thats what I'm hoping my ex--still feels weird calling him that--does). But, one thing is for sure. Do not beg, do not try to cinvince, know your worth. Fight for your love but know that you deserve someone who fights for you too. 

I hope the best for tomorrows convo, but because its really soon after break up, I have a feeling shes not in that missing stage yet. However, seeing her and getting it out of the way will allow you to truly know once and for all that all hope is gone, or things will be back on. Ya know what I mean? 

Its hard cause I know the minute my ex texts me to give back stuff, I'm gonna be like f***, its over. Like i'm trying to prepre myself for that and tell myself like move on whatever, but i feel like its natural to always have a bit of hope.

Hugs your way. Everything happens for a reason. Trust that

[JAKE022]

2 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

Oh wow, so soon to meet! I think that makes it harder in the short term, but easier in the long term. That way any hope you might have had really be addressed. I think if you all were not to meet, then time away from the situation could make her miss you (thats what I'm hoping my ex--still feels weird calling him that--does). But, one thing is for sure. Do not beg, do not try to cinvince, know your worth. Fight for your love but know that you deserve someone who fights for you too. 

I hope the best for tomorrows convo, but because its really soon after break up, I have a feeling shes not in that missing stage yet. However, seeing her and getting it out of the way will allow you to truly know once and for all that all hope is gone, or things will be back on. Ya know what I mean? 

Its hard cause I know the minute my ex texts me to give back stuff, I'm gonna be like f***, its over. Like i'm trying to prepre myself for that and tell myself like move on whatever, but i feel like its natural to always have a bit of hope.

Hugs your way. Everything happens for a reason. Trust that

Yes i still have to take my clothes from her apartment too, i do not expect her to change her mind right after that conversation but i want to give her few reasons to think about , i am not sure if we going to meet today as there might be some change of plans so maybe it would be better to meet once i come to get my stuff back. We are in a dark place friend but will come from it, if they do not come back to us than it means they was not good enough for us, as hard as it is to think about it but people who truly loves us does not leave us no matter what other problems they face, i was her biggest support in times where i had some personal problems amd i was always for her... i will probably go to the therapy to help my mental state im still thinking about it

[usa1ah]

On 1/21/2021 at 3:00 PM, JAKE022 said:

Little bit off topic , for those who are married now or in very long successful relationship, how old were you when you met your other half ? I will be 26 in 5 months, i know im still kind of young but i also feel that there is not much time left for me to find next exciting love, most of my friends are already in relationships, some got married, and i dont want to have kids, specially kids from other relationship ( maybe im not grown enough for this but yeah i dont feel like raising kids, specially who are not mine) and now since love of my life wants to leave i feel doomed... it was also my first serious relationship, 

I was 17 and she was 18. We have been married for 31 years. 

[JAKE022]

1 hour ago, usa1ah said:

I was 17 and she was 18. We have been married for 31 years. 

Im jealous! Haha thats amazing I only know one couple personally that got married after dating since they were 14, You are very fortunate 

[preciousgaucho]

7 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes i still have to take my clothes from her apartment too, i do not expect her to change her mind right after that conversation but i want to give her few reasons to think about , i am not sure if we going to meet today as there might be some change of plans so maybe it would be better to meet once i come to get my stuff back. We are in a dark place friend but will come from it, if they do not come back to us than it means they was not good enough for us, as hard as it is to think about it but people who truly loves us does not leave us no matter what other problems they face, i was her biggest support in times where i had some personal problems amd i was always for her... i will probably go to the therapy to help my mental state im still thinking about it

I just started therapy myself because I realized I became too emotionally reliant on him for my happiness, and him being someone who gets uncomfortable with that needy emotions (history in family of relying on him too much) it caused a lot of conflict. I think it might be good you all wait to meet. 

But yes! You should not have to convince anyone of your worth. I stayed with my ex through personal problems too. He broke up with me because he has too much going on and felt guilty that he couldnt give me what I deserved. Maybe your ex did the same.  Only time will tell. If theyre truly our people, they'll come back.  If not, then we will slowly learn that we'll be just fine without them 

[JAKE022]

6 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

I just started therapy myself because I realized I became too emotionally reliant on him for my happiness, and him being someone who gets uncomfortable with that needy emotions (history in family of relying on him too much) it caused a lot of conflict. I think it might be good you all wait to meet. 

But yes! You should not have to convince anyone of your worth. I stayed with my ex through personal problems too. He broke up with me because he has too much going on and felt guilty that he couldnt give me what I deserved. Maybe your ex did the same.  Only time will tell. If theyre truly our people, they'll come back.  If not, then we will slowly learn that we'll be just fine without them 

Yes, now we can only work on becoming better people, if it wont attract them back than it would probably attract others ( but now i dont even want to think about dating other women  ), and same as you i am relying my happiness on her, i gave it all to our relationship and now im left with nothing.. as soon as i come back to my city where i work, i will go to the therapy i hope it will help me heal faster or understand some things better, never done it before but i will try. My girl have also mentioned that she wasnt good enough for me for some time ( i never said this and i dont think that way, i accepted the fact that she has much work and study), but than also said other things about me so i guess only time will tell, if they miss us , at the moment i dont feel like she miss me 

[preciousgaucho]

 

10 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes, now we can only work on becoming better people, if it wont attract them back than it would probably attract others ( but now i dont even want to think about dating other women  ), and same as you i am relying my happiness on her, i gave it all to our relationship and now im left with nothing.. as soon as i come back to my city where i work, i will go to the therapy i hope it will help me heal faster or understand some things better, never done it before but i will try. My girl have also mentioned that she wasnt good enough for me for some time ( i never said this and i dont think that way, i accepted the fact that she has much work and study), but than also said other things about me so i guess only time will tell, if they miss us , at the moment i dont feel like she miss me 

its only been a bit though and shes probably just throwing herself into work/study. One day it will hit her. Its impossible for them not to miss us, really. 

I had my first therapy session and it rreally did help just to talk about a bunch of things, and make it clear like its okay to think/hope a bit about the possability, but we cant live in the promise of the future. Living in the present, while it may hurt and be hard and suck, is the only way. 

Oh, same with me. The thought of anyone being like him. Hes imperfect yet so perfect at the same time. Dont think about dating others though. I was reading somethinhg yesturday and it said dont chase love, chase goals, dreams, a better version of you, and then love will come. Better yourself and hey, maybe you end up getting back together. Either way, focus on you and it will benefit ur future, whether a future with her or somebody else. 

I truly believe it was all them. Having a lot on their plate. They could have chosen to stay and work through it but I think they knew what we need and were asking of them (prob too much haha) and knew they couldnt give us that. 

Just give it time. Thats what Im telling myself. Everything thats supposed to happen will. Do the No Contact for a month or so if possible. I know my ex will def need more time because hes trying to heal a lot. But theyll miss us for sure. And well miss them. But this time apart, for however long, is good so we can grow independently from them. 

The hardest part to accept is that this time apart might be permanent. BUt i think that will take time to accept. Theres no way you can like make yourself believe that when it ended for reasons not to do with love. 

[preciousgaucho]

I feel like too we are like living in this in between. Even though for our exs it might be final. Like I know when my ex texts me to get his stuff I'm going to be so hurt. I don't know how to get to the point where I can accept it and try to move on to avoid that hurt and not live in the hope of getting back together once we both work on ourselves. Like I still feel myself checking my phone for a text from it. And I almost dont want one rn because I feel like it wouldnt be good and would hurt. But maybe that would be good to get over the hope ;( 

[JAKE022]

14 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

I feel like too we are like living in this in between. Even though for our exs it might be final. Like I know when my ex texts me to get his stuff I'm going to be so hurt. I don't know how to get to the point where I can accept it and try to move on to avoid that hurt and not live in the hope of getting back together once we both work on ourselves. Like I still feel myself checking my phone for a text from it. And I almost dont want one rn because I feel like it wouldnt be good and would hurt. But maybe that would be good to get over the hope ;( 

I do the same, i even check her last online status to check if she woke up to go to work and not overslept( i was always waking her up in the morning thats why it kind of my routine) i think at this stage it is impossible for us to accept this, we will probably meet today and talk but im little scared to be honest, im preparing myself for this conversation but i dont have high hopes, i will probably need to give it some time, but im going to say few things that i hope will make her think about us and maybe when time is roght we will meet again on the right terms

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Im jealous! Haha thats amazing I only know one couple personally that got married after dating since they were 14, You are very fortunate 

Sincere question, but what makes you believe that couples who meet later aren't equally (or even sometimes more) fortunate?

Or is it your fear of being single? Most couples that wind up together these days aren't the ones who met and started dating very young, or who were each other's first relationships. Yes, I realize that can work for some folks, but there's a reason why it often doesn't in this day and age - and that's not usually a bad thing. We don't have the same societal pressure and expectations to make it work at all costs that previous generations might have felt.

I know many couples who have been married for years who are still very happy together, my own parents included (who will mark their 50th wedding anniversary together this fall) But there are also more than a few (for example, my aunt and uncle who've also just celebrated their 50th anniversary) who are still marred because they are complacent and don't want to deal with the process of divorce - not because they are genuinely still happy together. Long-term relationships can be just as unhappy, if the people aren't together for the "right" reasons anymore. 50 years of marriage for my aunt and uncle sounds wonderful and impressive on the surface, yes. But those of us who know them well know that their marriage has been riddled with serious problems over the years, including infidelities and a near-divorce, more than once.  (They started dating in their late teens, for reference) 

It isn't necessarily that amazing to be with one person your entire life and never have any other relationships, in other words. Leading with that mentality will only highlight your despair. Keep in mind that plenty of great and successful relationships are those we enter after having gained more experience and gotten to know ourselves better. 

[JAKE022]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sincere question, but what makes you believe that couples who meet later aren't equally (or even sometimes more) fortunate?

Or is it your fear of being single? Most couples that wind up together these days aren't the ones who met and started dating very young, or who were each other's first relationships. Yes, I realize that can work for some folks, but there's a reason why it often doesn't in this day and age - and that's not usually a bad thing. We don't have the same societal pressure and expectations to make it work at all costs that previous generations might have felt.

I know many couples who have been married for years who are still very happy together, my own parents included (who will mark their 50th wedding anniversary together this fall) But there are also more than a few (for example, my aunt and uncle who've also just celebrated their 50th anniversary) who are still marred because they are complacent and don't want to deal with the process of divorce - not because they are genuinely still happy together. Long-term relationships can be just as unhappy, if the people aren't together for the "right" reasons anymore. 50 years of marriage for my aunt and uncle sounds wonderful and impressive on the surface, yes. But those of us who know them well know that their marriage has been riddled with serious problems over the years, including infidelities and a near-divorce, more than once.  (They started dating in their late teens, for reference) 

It isn't necessarily that amazing to be with one person your entire life and never have any other relationships, in other words. Leading with that mentality will only highlight your despair. Keep in mind that plenty of great and successful relationships are those we enter after having gained more experience and gotten to know ourselves better. 

I can imagine, and i think you are right im scared of being single, i have been single  till i was 21 or 20 ( i dont remember) and i think at that time i realized that single life is not that great for me, of course there was times where i was happy single ,most of the time actually but then i started to chase after relationship and it stayed that way, i was way more happy and confident with my ex by my side comparing last 3 years of my life and before i met her. I think that it was a big mistake on my side to not date other girls seriously in high school, i would have get much more exp. 

[JAKE022]

I always thought that my relationship with my ex would be forever, it felt like we were perfect match, it turns out that my it was all just a fairy tail with bad ending

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

 I think that it was a big mistake on my side to not date other girls seriously in high school, i would have get much more exp. 

Maybe, but high school relationships are limited in many ways, too. It's kids dating kids. So while they can be important experiences, they aren't really on the same level of serious relationships in adulthood. 

 

[JAKE022]

Update: I just came back from the meeting, she told me that she also feels sorry for that the so short period of time led to this and that she didnt tell me before about all those problems, that she was truly happy with me but she dont want to fix anything for now, of course i told her that we went through so much together that i know we can get through this too and that i love her and it wont change anytime soon, and i believe that we can fix everything  specially that we were both happy together for so long, and if she change her mind than i will always be open to work on our relationship to be back, we hugged and shared few tears and said good bye, i will come to her apartament to get my stuff back next weekend

[tart6245]

47 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Update: I just came back from the meeting, she told me that she also feels sorry for that the so short period of time led to this and that she didnt tell me before about all those problems, that she was truly happy with me but she dont want to fix anything for now, of course i told her that we went through so much together that i know we can get through this too and that i love her and it wont change anytime soon, and i believe that we can fix everything  specially that we were both happy together for so long, and if she change her mind than i will always be open to work on our relationship to be back, we hugged and shared few tears and said good bye, i will come to her apartament to get my stuff back next weekend

Why didn't''t you get your things now? You're only continuing to hurt yourself by seeing her over and over. She made it clear she did not want to work on anything, so now you have to let it go. At least you have that bit of closure knowing you did all you can. 

[JAKE022]

15 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

Why didn't''t you get your things now? You're only continuing to hurt yourself by seeing her over and over. She made it clear she did not want to work on anything, so now you have to let it go. At least you have that bit of closure knowing you did all you can. 

We are both come from one town but now we live in different city, she came here to visit her mom and brother, i now stay at my moms house for at least one more week so we met here but i will be moving back there. She made it clear she dont want to fix anything yet she told me that these were her happiest years of her life and that i am very important to her but now she needs to get her life together because she been lost for last couple of months  i know i will be waiting for her this is the hardest part ...

[tart6245]

5 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

We are both come from one town but now we live in different city, she came here to visit her mom and brother, i now stay at my moms house for at least one more week so we met here but i will be moving back there. She made it clear she dont want to fix anything yet she told me that these were her happiest years of her life and that i am very important to her but now she needs to get her life together because she been lost for last couple of months  i know i will be waiting for her this is the hardest part ...

I hope you're able to get your things as soon as possible so you. can start the healing process. Regardless of what she said or her happiness level, she decided to leave. So you have to accept that. It sucks. With time, you will stop feeling so awful and start opening yourself to other people. It happens to all of us. I've survived breakups and I will survive my most recent one as well. Just be happy she gave you that much closure. It's more than a lot of us can get. I still don't fully know what happened with my breakup and I may never know.