Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[JAKE022]

17 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I'd not date anyone anytime soon if I were you. You need to heal from this breakup before you can open yourself up to a new person, unless you are looking for purely a rebound  you have no intention of dating long term. Trying to date someone now will just make you miss  your ex more and you will compare your time with the new person to your time with your ex. 

I am aware of that, but im the type of person that will not get serious with somebody before i know im 100% ready. I never hurt anyone like that and my intentions are always clear, always walked away at the right time and stayed friends with these women, my intentions would be probably just to meet new people, something casual ,not necessarily to date seriously, just to try. Of course it wont happen this week or next, more like next month, now i stick to my friends, for ex in 2 days i will meet with a girl who i know for 10+ years and havent heard from her since i was in relationship with my current ex, but we are in a friendzone so its not a date really

[JAKE022]

My main problem is not that i dont understand i have to move on, my problem is that i dont understand how someone who loves you ( and still does)and lives with you for x years can leave just like that without any effort to make things work again, she told me that these were her best years of her life and i made her happiest girl in the world, so how is she able to end relationship based on few worse weeks where lockdown was causing most of our problems, i dont understand that, i understand that she is overwhelmed with all other things in her life right now so maybe thats why... but i dont get it, i know she still loves me, i could see it so thats why i just dont get it, maybe im „old school” but i dont understand how can you break up with someone when you have such a strong connection for so long and not try to fix anything when there are few worse weeks ...

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

but i dont get it, i know she still loves me,

Because she loves you, but isn't in love with you anymore. 

Hard pill to swallow, I realize. But if she were genuinely invested and crazy about you, there's no way she would have walked. She emotionally detached slowly, and may not have even really realized it until recently. She is cushioning the blow with lots of flowery and flattering language now, and I don't doubt she means a lot of it - but it's not a reflection of her current feelings about you. She can think you're a great guy, but not the right guy for her. I've been there, with an ex I cared about very much but had fallen out of love with. I knew I didn't have the right feelings to continue.

It's not a reflection of your worth, but a simple truth that many relationships just run their course and one person wants to move on. 

[JAKE022]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because she loves you, but isn't in love with you anymore. 

Hard pill to swallow, I realize. But if she were genuinely invested and crazy about you, there's no way she would have walked. She emotionally detached slowly, and may not have even really realized it until recently. She is cushioning the blow with lots of flowery and flattering language now, and I don't doubt she means a lot of it - but it's not a reflection of her current feelings about you. She can think you're a great guy, but not the right guy for her. I've been there, with an ex I cared about very much but had fallen out of love with. I knew I didn't have the right feelings to continue.

It's not a reflection of your worth, but a simple truth that many relationships just run their course and one person wants to move on. 

Well i understand and dont understand at the same time. Isnt it the right thing to do when you have been happy with someone for 99% of the time and still have feelings for this person to talk about the problems in relationship and try to fix it at the right time ? I mean i understand that every person is not the same and it is just my point of view. I told her that it will never be too late for me to work on our relationship so if she ever changes her mind she knows she can contact me, but i dont assume it will happen

[michaelwilson]

Did you live together before pandemic situation ? It looks like she just didn't use to live with you or maybe you should rethink your behavior of being at home maybe you did some things she doesn't like or something else. But mainly I think she just overworked and she just need a rest so a few weeks she just should be alone. Actually I had similar situation but my gf was not working and with out any reasons(for today I don't know what was the reason of breaking our relationships) we broke up. Just stay strong man, don't forget you are a man as possibly you will be just needed to accept it as a fact! Good luck!

[JAKE022]

54 minutes ago, michaelwilson said:

Did you live together before pandemic situation ? It looks like she just didn't use to live with you or maybe you should rethink your behavior of being at home maybe you did some things she doesn't like or something else. But mainly I think she just overworked and she just need a rest so a few weeks she just should be alone. Actually I had similar situation but my gf was not working and with out any reasons(for today I don't know what was the reason of breaking our relationships) we broke up. Just stay strong man, don't forget you are a man as possibly you will be just needed to accept it as a fact! Good luck!

Thank you ! Yes we have been living together since 2018, but last few weeks have been hard as everything is closed in our country, so we stopped going on dates etc, and she was working or studying all the time, i was tired all the time because we were just sitting at home etc and we did not talked about it so she decided to leave, i hope she will change her mind but i will stay strong anyways

[tart6245]

5 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Thank you ! Yes we have been living together since 2018, but last few weeks have been hard as everything is closed in our country, so we stopped going on dates etc, and she was working or studying all the time, i was tired all the time because we were just sitting at home etc and we did not talked about it so she decided to leave, i hope she will change her mind but i will stay strong anyways

As I know we both have discussed, as much as we love our exes, you have to consider whether we even want them back if they chose to leave us. Life is not always going to be fun and perfect, and if they cannot handle any rough patches, perhaps they are not who we need in our lives. I think sometimes how fortunate I am that I was not married or had kids with my ex when she left without warning. Successful relationships are about communication, love and compromise. We may have had love, but I don't think we had much of the other two. 

[JAKE022]

31 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

As I know we both have discussed, as much as we love our exes, you have to consider whether we even want them back if they chose to leave us. Life is not always going to be fun and perfect, and if they cannot handle any rough patches, perhaps they are not who we need in our lives. I think sometimes how fortunate I am that I was not married or had kids with my ex when she left without warning. Successful relationships are about communication, love and compromise. We may have had love, but I don't think we had much of the other two. 

Yes this is a hard for me to accept it, however we have went through worse things at the early stages of our relationship , we almost broke up twice before and we always came back stronger, with more understanding of each other, everything was almost perfect since then, i guess the timing of this crisis was too bad for her to want to fix anything now and she chose the easiest way, as hard as it is you are right if they cant handle hard times than we did not need them, i just dont understand it.

[tart6245]

32 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes this is a hard for me to accept it, however we have went through worse things at the early stages of our relationship , we almost broke up twice before and we always came back stronger, with more understanding of each other, everything was almost perfect since then, i guess the timing of this crisis was too bad for her to want to fix anything now and she chose the easiest way, as hard as it is you are right if they cant handle hard times than we did not need them, i just dont understand it.

You may never understand. All that matters is she left you and that's not what a lifelong partner should do to you, especially without an explanation or at least trying to work things out before they left. I hate it as much as you, but at some point, you have to accept that she wasn't who you thought she was and you're better off with her out of your life. Let her move out unannounced on the next guy she dates and then you'll know you avoided something terrible. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Well i understand and dont understand at the same time. Isnt it the right thing to do when you have been happy with someone for 99% of the time and still have feelings for this person to talk about the problems in relationship and try to fix it at the right time ?

Yes, but that's the point - she wasn't as happy and into the relationship anymore if she didn't bother talking about the problems and attempting to fix them. 

You have to look beyond the sweet nothings she laced this break-up with. Her choice to end it tells a different story, one that overrides all the grand things she's telling you about how happy she was. Somewhere along the way she started to lose interest. When that happens, the interest in correcting the issues is gone too. They're already too checked out to want to make it work. 

And yes, that can feel like a punch to the gut if you didn't see it coming. 

 

[JAKE022]

2 hours ago, tart6245 said:

You may never understand. All that matters is she left you and that's not what a lifelong partner should do to you, especially without an explanation or at least trying to work things out before they left. I hate it as much as you, but at some point, you have to accept that she wasn't who you thought she was and you're better off with her out of your life. Let her move out unannounced on the next guy she dates and then you'll know you avoided something terrible. 

Yup you are right  if she was a wife material she would talk about problems with me. My friend just came back from her home ( i gave him some of her stuff she packed with my clothes) and he talked with her, she told him that she is aware that she might regret it in some time but she doesnt want to give me no hope. So the best way is to move on and work on myself either way it is a win

[JAKE022]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, but that's the point - she wasn't as happy and into the relationship anymore if she didn't bother talking about the problems and attempting to fix them. 

You have to look beyond the sweet nothings she laced this break-up with. Her choice to end it tells a different story, one that overrides all the grand things she's telling you about how happy she was. Somewhere along the way she started to lose interest. When that happens, the interest in correcting the issues is gone too. They're already too checked out to want to make it work. 

And yes, that can feel like a punch to the gut if you didn't see it coming. 

 

Yup it feels like mike tyson punch in his prime lol but well ... it is what it is, i can only take some notes and work on myself if she comes back or not i will win 

[queenofswords93]

On 1/13/2021 at 10:33 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't like all the comments about dumpers just don't care enough, reject and abandon their mate without even trying. I was the dumper, but I cared a lot, and I tried over and over to make things work with him. If anything, I tend to be too nice and give people too many chances.

I'm the same way. I am a chronic dumper, but I never do it to hurt them, and i usually even wait way longer than i should to let them go.  It's typically because I'm not picky enough in the beginning stages of dating, and if theyre nice i'll give them a chance, which is incredibly stupid since i know 80% of the time within the first 2 dates whether or not i'd want a serious relationship with them.  For the most part, the men I've had to dump have done it to themselves. They refused to communicate, or made me feel like an object and not a person, or didnt treat me as a priority, or didn't pull any weight in the relationship and expected me to mother them. Typically neither of the ppl in the relationship have a halo and wings. 

[Ruby Slippers]

8 minutes ago, queenofswords93 said:

It's typically because I'm not picky enough in the beginning stages of dating...

Same. I gave myself a hard time after my last breakup for not being more discriminating up front. 

11 minutes ago, queenofswords93 said:

Typically neither of the ppl in the relationship have a halo and wings. 

Exactly.

[JAKE022]

39 minutes ago, queenofswords93 said:

I'm the same way. I am a chronic dumper, but I never do it to hurt them, and i usually even wait way longer than i should to let them go.  It's typically because I'm not picky enough in the beginning stages of dating, and if theyre nice i'll give them a chance, which is incredibly stupid since i know 80% of the time within the first 2 dates whether or not i'd want a serious relationship with them.  For the most part, the men I've had to dump have done it to themselves. They refused to communicate, or made me feel like an object and not a person, or didnt treat me as a priority, or didn't pull any weight in the relationship and expected me to mother them. Typically neither of the ppl in the relationship have a halo and wings. 

Well im not saying she did anything wrong, she did what she felt and i cant blame her for that i told her that, i dont want her to feel bad because of it because i love her , yes she hurt me, yes she could talk with me etc but maybe she didnt know how to talk with me about it, i dont know, i dont have any bad feelings for her and also i dont feel like im worthless, i feel like you can only blame the dumper if she/he cheated, or quickly moved on to a rebound 

[Coup La-La]

Unfortunately this pandemic has ruined many interpersonal relationships, it sounds like when she went to her mother's house she was just appreciating a change of scenery, but she'll probably get tired of that situation eventually also. I would suggest you don't give up hope, from your description it sounds like she still has feelings for you, but needs to de-stress a little.

[JAKE022]

2 hours ago, Coup La-La said:

Unfortunately this pandemic has ruined many interpersonal relationships, it sounds like when she went to her mother's house she was just appreciating a change of scenery, but she'll probably get tired of that situation eventually also. I would suggest you don't give up hope, from your description it sounds like she still has feelings for you, but needs to de-stress a little.

Maybe but it has been 3 weeks since then and she did not change her mind, i dont assume it will happen. 

[JAKE022]

On 2/3/2021 at 7:21 PM, tart6245 said:

You may never understand. All that matters is she left you and that's not what a lifelong partner should do to you, especially without an explanation or at least trying to work things out before they left. I hate it as much as you, but at some point, you have to accept that she wasn't who you thought she was and you're better off with her out of your life. Let her move out unannounced on the next guy she dates and then you'll know you avoided something terrible. 

Just checking, how are you bro , how are you holding on ?

[tart6245]

18 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Just checking, how are you bro , how are you holding on ?

Thanks for checking in. I am doing OK. Not great, but not the worst I've been. I'm taking it day by day and still staying as active and busy as I can. I still think about her a lot and still wonder what happened. I'm working on the issues she brought up when she left to better myself. If she does come back in the future, great, but I am not holding out much hope. Maybe I will be wrong and we will find our way back to each other. I can't predict what the future holds. I hope you are doing ok as well. 

Edited February 9, 2021 by tart6245

[JAKE022]

1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

Thanks for checking in. I am doing OK. Not great, but not the worst I've been. I'm taking it day by day and still staying as active and busy as I can. I still think about her a lot and still wonder what happened. I'm working on the issues she brought up when she left to better myself. If she does come back in the future, great, but I am not holding out much hope. Maybe I will be wrong and we will find our way back to each other. I can't predict what the future holds. I hope you are doing ok as well. 

Im feeling exactly the same, there are worse and better days but generally speaking im fine, thinking about her all the time tho - what is she doing? What is she thinking about etc. Still cant believe how she did not talk about her problems with me and thought everything will resolve on its own .. i could have noticed some soft signs but im only human and sometimes im nit able to see them at the right moment.. it has been 1 month since i have moved out and 2 weeks after real break up talk but not even 1 full week of real no contact as of course we met before 2 times or texted with each other, sometimes i feel strong need to text her (specially in the mornings - mornings are the worst ughh) but i wont do it at least not anytime soon. I even went for few drinks with my friends but it was bad idea, as the next day was straight depression so i do not recommend it 

[tart6245]

3 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Im feeling exactly the same, there are worse and better days but generally speaking im fine, thinking about her all the time tho - what is she doing? What is she thinking about etc. Still cant believe how she did not talk about her problems with me and thought everything will resolve on its own .. i could have noticed some soft signs but im only human and sometimes im nit able to see them at the right moment.. it has been 1 month since i have moved out and 2 weeks after real break up talk but not even 1 full week of real no contact as of course we met before 2 times or texted with each other, sometimes i feel strong need to text her (specially in the mornings - mornings are the worst ughh) but i wont do it at least not anytime soon. I even went for few drinks with my friends but it was bad idea, as the next day was straight depression so i do not recommend it 

I agree that mornings are the worst. I'm not sure why, but I just feel awful when I wake up and she isn't there. It's still very surreal. It has been a little over 6 weeks of silence now for me but I do wonder what she is thinking and if she has any regrets at all about ending things. Then, my brain tells me if she did, she would reach out to me. She hasn't done that, so I only can assume she either is not ready to or has no regrets that she left me. 

So far I have held off saying anything to her. I still am not sure if I will try in the future or not. That urge is a constant battle. 

[JAKE022]

3 hours ago, tart6245 said:

I agree that mornings are the worst. I'm not sure why, but I just feel awful when I wake up and she isn't there. It's still very surreal. It has been a little over 6 weeks of silence now for me but I do wonder what she is thinking and if she has any regrets at all about ending things. Then, my brain tells me if she did, she would reach out to me. She hasn't done that, so I only can assume she either is not ready to or has no regrets that she left me. 

So far I have held off saying anything to her. I still am not sure if I will try in the future or not. That urge is a constant battle. 

Yeah i think that right now is too soon and by the time when you heal you will have clear head and decide if its worth it to reach out if she doesnt do it sooner, same for me now i want her more than anything else in this world but i dont know how much my mind will change after 3 months or more so i just do me and „wait”. I know my ex is hurt very much because my friend seen her 2 days ago and talked with her ( we were living next to each other) and told me that she is very sad, and knows she did bad thing not talking about her problems but at the same time few days earlier she told me that she is happy with how things are now and she has so much going on right now that she doesnt have time to fix any relationship where she wasnt happy ...so i dont know i might never get it i am aware that she is stubborn so she might just stick to her decision because of big ego. We will see i guess, i remember when my friends grilfriend came back to him after 8 months she said that it was very hard for her to reach out to him after she broke up because of her pride but adter few more months it was stronger than her ego and she did it 

[tart6245]

19 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Yeah i think that right now is too soon and by the time when you heal you will have clear head and decide if its worth it to reach out if she doesnt do it sooner, same for me now i want her more than anything else in this world but i dont know how much my mind will change after 3 months or more so i just do me and „wait”. I know my ex is hurt very much because my friend seen her 2 days ago and talked with her ( we were living next to each other) and told me that she is very sad, and knows she did bad thing not talking about her problems but at the same time few days earlier she told me that she is happy with how things are now and she has so much going on right now that she doesnt have time to fix any relationship where she wasnt happy ...so i dont know i might never get it i am aware that she is stubborn so she might just stick to her decision because of big ego. We will see i guess, i remember when my friends grilfriend came back to him after 8 months she said that it was very hard for her to reach out to him after she broke up because of her pride but adter few more months it was stronger than her ego and she did it 

Regardless of whether she is stubborn, she gave you an answer that she did not want to fix the relationship, so you need to let hope go that she will come back someday. I doubt in 3 months you will be fully recovered from a 3 year relationship, so I would not expect you to be totally over her by then. You can't force someone to want to be with you and your ex made her intentions clear. If in 6 months she reaches out to you and you still want her back, then there is no reason you can't respond to her. It's very likely in 6 months you will be seeing the relationship for what it was and not overvaluing it like you are now. You may not even want to try again with her. 

I remember when my first long term relationship ended over a decade ago. I was upset for several months and kept hoping my ex would change her mind. But we were in different places in life and it just was not working. She made it clear that we would not get back together. Eventually, I let her go. I stopped thinking about her. When she moved on and began dating again, I didn't feel anything. That will happen to you at some point. Right now, things are still too fresh.

[JAKE022]

17 hours ago, tart6245 said:

Regardless of whether she is stubborn, she gave you an answer that she did not want to fix the relationship, so you need to let hope go that she will come back someday. I doubt in 3 months you will be fully recovered from a 3 year relationship, so I would not expect you to be totally over her by then. You can't force someone to want to be with you and your ex made her intentions clear. If in 6 months she reaches out to you and you still want her back, then there is no reason you can't respond to her. It's very likely in 6 months you will be seeing the relationship for what it was and not overvaluing it like you are now. You may not even want to try again with her. 

I remember when my first long term relationship ended over a decade ago. I was upset for several months and kept hoping my ex would change her mind. But we were in different places in life and it just was not working. She made it clear that we would not get back together. Eventually, I let her go. I stopped thinking about her. When she moved on and began dating again, I didn't feel anything. That will happen to you at some point. Right now, things are still too fresh.

The most difficult thing is that no matter how hard i keep telling myself to let the hope go, it doesnt go, still sits in the back of my head which drives me crazy, i think its because everything happened so fast and maybe im still shocked as i didnt see it coming, i always thought that she is the type of person that will tell me about all her problems etc. + there are also things that she told my friend that she did not loose her feelings for me and she knows she might regret it, all of this doesnt help with lettting the hope go, its funny because i know i cant think like this but cant help it. I think i will try to date someone else next month or something maybe that will help, not creating another relationship but just to meet with other woman

[littleblackheart]

22 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I think i will try to date someone else next month or something maybe that will help, not creating another relationship but just to meet with other woman

Good idea. It doesn't need to be dating another person, but finding other ways to distract yourself sounds good. Boosting your social life will make you feel better.