Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[tart6245]

3 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

I found her tshirt i will send it back to her probably or give it to poor people also asked her yesterday before i blocked her to search for all other things i have left at her home i gave up on them before but i said screw it, these are my belongings and i want them back it costs a lot so im waiting for a package after that no more connections with her, we are going to be done 100% finally 

It's a t shirt. Toss it or donate it. There's no reason to send it back to her. It just gives you another excuse to contact her. You know she's with someone else now and you know your time is done with her. There is no more mystery. She's moved on, at least in her mind, and you have nothing to hold on to. Let her be with the new guy. If she regrets it down the road, you will be in a place where you won't care. 

[Highndry]

3 hours ago, tart6245 said:

It's a t shirt. Toss it or donate it.

Better yet, set it on fire and watch it burn. Maybe even take a video of yourself pouring lighter fluid on it then torching it. It may help you feel better. I'm not kidding.

[JAKE022]

6 hours ago, tart6245 said:

It's a t shirt. Toss it or donate it. There's no reason to send it back to her. It just gives you another excuse to contact her. You know she's with someone else now and you know your time is done with her. There is no more mystery. She's moved on, at least in her mind, and you have nothing to hold on to. Let her be with the new guy. If she regrets it down the road, you will be in a place where you won't care. 

You are right, there is no real reason to send a tshirt, i just always want to give back other people things. I dont know if she is going to regret it, i hope she realize how she treated me, it really hurts guys, one day she call you her world, her everything and the next she dont even care and is with another guy, lying and probably cheating, she doesnt even hurry with returning my stuff , like i said i dont know who that girl is because she is acting like a b**** 

[JAKE022]

3 hours ago, Highndry said:

Better yet, set it on fire and watch it burn. Maybe even take a video of yourself pouring lighter fluid on it then torching it. It may help you feel better. I'm not kidding.

Haha sounds good but it will be better idea to donate it for those in need 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

 it really hurts guys, one day she call you her world, her everything and the next she dont even care and is with another guy, lying and probably cheating, she doesnt even hurry with returning my stuff , like i said i dont know who that girl is because she is acting like a b**** 

Unfortunately, this is how cheaters are - male and female. 

Do they regret their behaviour? Sometimes, yes. Does it mean they regret ending the relationship? No, not necessarily. For someone to behave this way, they are usually quite emotionally detached and mentally over the relationship anyway. 

It's hurtful, but in time, you will move past this. 

[JAKE022]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unfortunately, this is how cheaters are - male and female. 

Do they regret their behaviour? Sometimes, yes. Does it mean they regret ending the relationship? No, not necessarily. For someone to behave this way, they are usually quite emotionally detached and mentally over the relationship anyway. 

It's hurtful, but in time, you will move past this. 

I am aware of that, it is just hard for me to accept how cold or maybe even cruel people can be , we both put so much time and effort in this relationship, we had great times together, beautiful memories and at one point she just stopped comunication ( or maybe she never comunicated but there was no issues to talk about) i dont understand this, than she breaks up and goes to another guy - and this makes me feel a little worthless, i will never understand how could she do this to me after what we had, she was aware that not talking about things will lead her to getting detached emotionally , and she still did it.

i know i cant control other people but it hurts because i would never done it to anybody, i wont get attached so much to any other women in my life again - it is not worth it, 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, JAKE022 said:

i know i cant control other people but it hurts because i would never done it to anybody, i wont get attached so much to any other women in my life again - it is not worth it, 

I understand your feelings, as I was betrayed in a long-term relationship too, many years ago now. 

But you know what? We eventually learn to trust ourselves again. We learn to trust others again, if we work at it and want to. We become less trusting, sure, but we also tend to become a lot more savvy as a result of things like this. We become more finely-attuned to red flags. You're catastrophizing now because you've just discovered this, but the time will probably come when you meet a great woman that you want to invest in. 

Give yourself time to heal. 

[JAKE022]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I understand your feelings, as I was betrayed in a long-term relationship too, many years ago now. 

But you know what? We eventually learn to trust ourselves again. We learn to trust others again, if we work at it and want to. We become less trusting, sure, but we also tend to become a lot more savvy as a result of things like this. We become more finely-attuned to red flags. You're catastrophizing now because you've just discovered this, but the time will probably come when you meet a great woman that you want to invest in. 

Give yourself time to heal. 

Thank you, i think i am in this point in life where i realized that this dating world is cold, i always dreamed about relationship that would last untill the end, like most of my family members have, i thought i finally met someone right for me and all this happened. 
Just to be clear i didnt have hard feelings towards my ex because she broke up, i still liked her and i was even defending her decision when my friend was talking bad about what she did, but when i discovered she immediately jumped into new relationship it changed everything, it turned me into toxic person really- i wanted to text her all cruel things and hurt her verbally , but fortunately i didnt because it is not who i am and to be honest i want her to be happy so i told her just that before blocking her. 
 

i am glad i found this forum, it really helped me , i want to thank all of you guys, i remember that in the beginning Marc said “there is probably another guy in the picture “ and i said that there is no way - she is not like this , well we can all now laugh how naive i was. 
 

I ignored all red flags, the biggest one when i found out she was texting some other guy back in july last year, i forgave her because they didnt met and she was truly sorry - i should have broke up with her at this moment and see if she is really sorry but i loved her too much, i never checked her phone again- and i think if i did i would find this new guy before break up. 
but like you said, i will be more aware of all red flags in the future and will react when it is still not too late.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I ignored all red flags, the biggest one when i found out she was texting some other guy back in july last year, i forgave her because they didnt met and she was truly sorry - i should have broke up with her at this moment and see if she is really sorry but i loved her too much

Yes, this was definitely a red flag. 

It's tempting to dismiss or forgive when we're crazy about someone, but a lesson to learn here is to watch for cues that someone is not invested the way we are. It's hard to admit to ourselves that our relationship is not in good shape and maybe our partner is not in love the way we are, but it's critical that we are honest with ourselves in these situations.

Nobody is going to laugh at you for being naive, as you put it. Some of us guessed the presence of another guy only because we've been down this road before and recognize the signs when we see them. You were not naive, I don't think, but still too in love to accept that this sudden request for space did not add up. Plenty of people have been where you are, and it's a slow process to believe what's right in front of us, even when we really don't want to see it. 

[JAKE022]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, this was definitely a red flag. 

It's tempting to dismiss or forgive when we're crazy about someone, but a lesson to learn here is to watch for cues that someone is not invested the way we are. It's hard to admit to ourselves that our relationship is not in good shape and maybe our partner is not in love the way we are, but it's critical that we are honest with ourselves in these situations.

Nobody is going to laugh at you for being naive, as you put it. Some of us guessed the presence of another guy only because we've been down this road before and recognize the signs when we see them. You were not naive, I don't think, but still too in love to accept that this sudden request for space did not add up. Plenty of people have been where you are, and it's a slow process to believe what's right in front of us, even when we really don't want to see it. 

Right, i believe she still loved me at that time it was just lack of communication led to further detachment, and finally she made a decision, it is selfish but that’s probably how she is when emotions are not there like it used to be. 
yes i forgave her because i always give people 2nd chances, she also forgave me few things when i told her too much during one of our arguments, we are humans and we make mistakes, sometimes unconsciously. 
But from now i dont think i will be able to forgive in similar situation if it ever happens again it is my 2nd relationship that ended this way, last ex moved on to another guy in less subtle way - she posted a video of them kissing on instagram while i was waiting for her with dinner i prepared lmfao, but i wasnt so attached with her like i am to my current ex, funny thing is that i told my current ex what happened in last relationship and she was schocked- and still did something similar just in a different less hurtful way.

I was already on a good path to recovery but because i found out about her rebound it set me back a little bit, it doesn’t even hurt that she is dating someone ( i mean it does too but its easier to accept )but whats really hurt me is that i had to change the way i think about her as a person 

 

[JAKE022]

Just now, JAKE022 said:

Right, i believe she still loved me at that time it was just lack of communication led to further detachment, and finally she made a decision, it is selfish but that’s probably how she is when emotions are not there like it used to be. 
yes i forgave her because i always give people 2nd chances, she also forgave me few things when i told her too much during one of our arguments, we are humans and we make mistakes, sometimes unconsciously. 
But from now i dont think i will be able to forgive in similar situation if it ever happens again it is my 2nd relationship that ended this way, last ex moved on to another guy in less subtle way - she posted a video of them kissing on instagram while i was waiting for her with dinner i prepared lmfao, but i wasnt so attached with her like i am to my current ex, funny thing is that i told my current ex what happened in last relationship and she was schocked- and still did something similar just in a different less hurtful way.

I was already on a good path to recovery but because i found out about her rebound it set me back a little bit, it doesn’t even hurt that she is dating someone ( i mean it does too but its easier to accept )but whats really hurt me is that i had to change the way i think about her as a person 

 

But yeah i forgive her now too, but i dont want to do nothing with this women anymore, i dont know her anymore 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, JAKE022 said:

But from now i dont think i will be able to forgive in similar situation if it ever happens again

In my experience, it's not a question of forgiveness. 

It's a matter of recognizing that the other person clearly does not feel the same way they once did. Forgiveness doesn't change the fact that when someone does these sorts of things, they're generally already emotionally exiting the relationship. 

Accepting an apology doesn't begin to address the real issue, which is that the other person is moving on. 

[JAKE022]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In my experience, it's not a question of forgiveness. 

It's a matter of recognizing that the other person clearly does not feel the same way they once did. Forgiveness doesn't change the fact that when someone does these sorts of things, they're generally already emotionally exiting the relationship. 

Accepting an apology doesn't begin to address the real issue, which is that the other person is moving on. 

Right i remember i asked her if she is happy in our relationship after that and she said yes and that she was texting him because she wanted attention- i gave her a lot of attention so i was shocked again because i couldnt give her more of that because it would not be healthy for me but thats what i call “ princess “ type of character  , obviously she was lying about being happy or maybe she didn’t realize it back then. I had hard time trying to trust her again but i did this leap of faith and trusted her 100% - oh boy very hard landing lol

i remember talking with my friend who is a girl and she did similar thing - she was talking with other guy while being in a relationship and i asked her about it what she was thinking doing this - she said she dont even know but when her bf discovered it she realized that it was stupid and never dod it again, obviously my ex is different case

[Wiseman2]

On 1/12/2021 at 4:02 AM, JAKE022 said:

 . This weekend she went to her mom to make a project for university, she stayed there for 2 days, 

She seems to have been thinking of leaving for a while and the mom visit was to solidify that.

Good it's finally over and you can move forward in peace.

[JAKE022]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems to have been thinking of leaving for a while and the mom visit was to solidify that.

Good it's finally over and you can move forward in peace.

Yes she was thinking about it for few months because all the issues she had were growing inside her and she never told me about it, i think she met with this guy while visiting her mom i think he is from our hometown, thats why she broke up right after. She wasnt honest with me before, she wasnt honest even when we had our final talk, i think I deserve better. 
i can move on but its still far from “peace” i need to calm down a bit

[tart6245]

It will take time to find peace. You've reset the clock a bit by her contacting you, but now that she is blocked out of your life, you can finally close this chapter and begin a new one. Unless you find something of hers deeply personal to her, I would not initiate anymore contact to return things as trivial as a t shirt. There is no point and will only prolong your pain and suffering. 

I would also accept she was cheating on you. She even admitted she was texting another guy for attention. I'd be done at that point. Even if she wasn't cheating, which I absolutely think she was, it can help you let go of her and see her for who she really is, not the perfect image you have of her in your head. She's a liar and a cheater. She isn't who you thought she was. The sooner you can accept the real her, the sooner you can move on and find someone decent who won't do that to you. 

[JAKE022]

6 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

It will take time to find peace. You've reset the clock a bit by her contacting you, but now that she is blocked out of your life, you can finally close this chapter and begin a new one. Unless you find something of hers deeply personal to her, I would not initiate anymore contact to return things as trivial as a t shirt. There is no point and will only prolong your pain and suffering. 

I would also accept she was cheating on you. She even admitted she was texting another guy for attention. I'd be done at that point. Even if she wasn't cheating, which I absolutely think she was, it can help you let go of her and see her for who she really is, not the perfect image you have of her in your head. She's a liar and a cheater. She isn't who you thought she was. The sooner you can accept the real her, the sooner you can move on and find someone decent who won't do that to you. 

Right, i also think she cheated because even if she was just texting him during relationship I consider it as cheating and i believe she was doing at least that, there is also a chance that this is the older guy from her job and if this is true than i feel sorry for her because he is at the age of her father, i know i will find out sooner or later i mean not actively searching for it but we have many mutual friends either way it doesn’t matter anymore, there is a small chance that she actually met someone  after bu but even if that is true than moving so fast says a lot about her at least enough for me to change my opinion on her,  personally i forgive her but i dont want to do anything with her, maybe we met at the wrong time or maybe it was the best time to teach me some lessons.  I have to admit that i became much better person because of her and finally i believed that i can be truly loved, we just lost each other at some point and it all went downhill 

[tart6245]

26 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Right, i also think she cheated because even if she was just texting him during relationship I consider it as cheating and i believe she was doing at least that, there is also a chance that this is the older guy from her job and if this is true than i feel sorry for her because he is at the age of her father, i know i will find out sooner or later i mean not actively searching for it but we have many mutual friends either way it doesn’t matter anymore, there is a small chance that she actually met someone  after bu but even if that is true than moving so fast says a lot about her at least enough for me to change my opinion on her,  personally i forgive her but i dont want to do anything with her, maybe we met at the wrong time or maybe it was the best time to teach me some lessons.  I have to admit that i became much better person because of her and finally i believed that i can be truly loved, we just lost each other at some point and it all went downhill 

There is no reason to feel sorry for her. She needs to be irrelevant to you. She's out of your life and dating someone else, and probably was cheating on you even before she left. How that turns out has no bearing on your life nor should you waste your time caring about whether she's happy or not. She made her choice. Now she will reap whatever benefits or negatives that come with it. You don't have to hate her. Hating someone requires energy, and she isn't worth anymore energy or investment from you. 

I also would avoid "asking" friends about what she's doing or not doing. I've avoided asking anyone mutual between my ex and I about what she's doing because it doesn't matter to me. Unless she wants to consider getting back together with me, her whereabouts, relationships, and activities mean nothing to me since she walked out of my life. I'd rather that be where I am than to hear through someone else she's moved on with someone else. 

Edited April 30, 2021 by tart6245

[JAKE022]

36 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

There is no reason to feel sorry for her. She needs to be irrelevant to you. She's out of your life and dating someone else, and probably was cheating on you even before she left. How that turns out has no bearing on your life nor should you waste your time caring about whether she's happy or not. She made her choice. Now she will reap whatever benefits or negatives that come with it. You don't have to hate her. Hating someone requires energy, and she isn't worth anymore energy or investment from you. 

I also would avoid "asking" friends about what she's doing or not doing. I've avoided asking anyone mutual between my ex and I about what she's doing because it doesn't matter to me. Unless she wants to consider getting back together with me, her whereabouts, relationships, and activities mean nothing to me since she walked out of my life. I'd rather that be where I am than to hear through someone else she's moved on with someone else. 

You are right i shouldnt care about anything connected with her long time ago, i got too attached to her and it was hard for me to detach, her dating someone helped me with it, still got a lot of work to do but it is not as bad as it was day after actual break up, i need to learn how to be happy again alone, because all of this just sucked all of mine happiness away, im the funny guy when im with friends but empty inside - if it makes any sense, so everyone was asking me how i deal with this break up so great but they only see the tip of the iceberg, hard times but maybe i needed that to wake up from this dream - life been too good for me before it happened lol 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

You are right i shouldnt care about anything connected with her long time ago, i got too attached to her and it was hard for me to detach, her dating someone helped me with it, still got a lot of work to do but it is not as bad as it was day after actual break up, i need to learn how to be happy again alone, because all of this just sucked all of mine happiness away, im the funny guy when im with friends but empty inside - if it makes any sense, so everyone was asking me how i deal with this break up so great but they only see the tip of the iceberg, hard times but maybe i needed that to wake up from this dream - life been too good for me before it happened lol 

I think by now, you can wake up from the dream and realize that she has moved on, so you should too. It's easier said than done, but she isn't worth waiting on or going back to now that you know she's a cheater and dating someone else. Anything you try to do will only drive her closer to the new man in her life. Go silent, block her everywhere, purge all things that remind you of her and move on with your life. Your period of limbo is over. You have more closure than many people around here have. 

[JAKE022]

4 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I think by now, you can wake up from the dream and realize that she has moved on, so you should too. It's easier said than done, but she isn't worth waiting on or going back to now that you know she's a cheater and dating someone else. Anything you try to do will only drive her closer to the new man in her life. Go silent, block her everywhere, purge all things that remind you of her and move on with your life. Your period of limbo is over. You have more closure than many people around here have. 

Right, i don’t understand how in other cases people leave without telling the other person what happened, im kind of happy that i had this closure even if it wasnt 100% honest , that would leave me wondering for months probably, well it is what it is, i will try meet with other girls now not for relationship probably but just to adapt to new situation, to remind myself what is it like to flirt again lol maybe i will meet someone better in some time, i just hope it doesnt make me an a**h*** that doesnt care about relationships 

[flitzanu]

16 hours ago, Highndry said:

Better yet, set it on fire and watch it burn. Maybe even take a video of yourself pouring lighter fluid on it then torching it. It may help you feel better. I'm not kidding.

haha.  i had an ex gf post pics of her and her friends burning photos of me and her together.  

and then deny that it happened.  i guess that's a real thing people do.

[JAKE022]

19 hours ago, flitzanu said:

haha.  i had an ex gf post pics of her and her friends burning photos of me and her together.  

and then deny that it happened.  i guess that's a real thing people do.

Lol thats childish as hell

[tart6245]

On 4/30/2021 at 1:36 PM, JAKE022 said:

Right, i don’t understand how in other cases people leave without telling the other person what happened, im kind of happy that i had this closure even if it wasnt 100% honest , that would leave me wondering for months probably, well it is what it is, i will try meet with other girls now not for relationship probably but just to adapt to new situation, to remind myself what is it like to flirt again lol maybe i will meet someone better in some time, i just hope it doesnt make me an a**h*** that doesnt care about relationships 

You'll never get the full truth, but you have gotten closure here. Now you don't have to wonder if she has any regrets because she's already moved on with another person. You're now free from all of that and able to move on with your life. She will never admit to cheating or doing anything wrong leading up to your break up. I'm sure if her mind, everything she did was justified. 

[JAKE022]

10 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

You'll never get the full truth, but you have gotten closure here. Now you don't have to wonder if she has any regrets because she's already moved on with another person. You're now free from all of that and able to move on with your life. She will never admit to cheating or doing anything wrong leading up to your break up. I'm sure if her mind, everything she did was justified. 

I know you are probably right, i just hope that one day it will hit her and she will realize what she have done, maybe she did already but is playing like nothing happened, she when we talked last time and i told her that im schocked that she has already moved on with someone already she told me she thought that i closed that chapter in life already lol i didnt even wanted to tell her what i was going through, of course it is easy to move on since she got that new guy , maybe she already processed what she have done as she was crying bad during the day of our break up and seemed to somehow care that she hurt me,  but the question is - was it because she cared about me , or felt bad because of what she have done ? - i will leave it to answer this herself because i dont need anymore answers, i know enough i can assume the rest and this is totally fine with me