Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[Marc878]

Let her go. Thats what she wants.

If you chase they always move farther away.

Most will do it anyway. Don’t write her a long sappy letter. Never works.

Learn

[maggiemtn]

One of the things I’ve learned from the last month of being out of my relationship and being active on this forum is the person who gets dumped (including myself) instinctively say “These problems are fixable.” “I know we can work on them.” But what we neglect to acknowledge in our denial state is that it takes two to WANT to work on a relationship. When someone breaks up with another person, they are, with actions, saying “I don’t want to fix the problems or work on them.” The next move is acceptance and healing. I’m a month out and I can assure you that it gets better. 

[littleblackheart]

7 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes  i hope so, i try nit to put any pressure or sound desperate when i reply and just let her know that i respect her decision but im open for conversation. I do not text 1st , only respond because i dont want to put no negative vibes,

She might need reassurance that her recent actions haven't put you off.

That might sound counter intuitive, but you have nothing to lose by initiating contact to show her you're still here; she sounds conflicted, she just wants a sign from you.

[JAKE022]

28 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

“asked me if we can spend whole sunday together i responded of course and i will cook amazing meal for us she seemed to be happy. Now  few hours later when we started texting again because i checked how she feels , she said she thinks she is not happy anymore”

“I look for signs very carefully” 

Okay so maybe I’m reading it wrong but it sounds like this happened *before* you broke up, not after. If you’re not secure and confident in yourself, it radiates out to everyone you love, especially your partner. And then they start to pull away. It’s ended many a relationship, including mine. Work on yourself first, go back to relationships later. 

Sorry did not get it at first. 
I checked on her and how she feels but not romanticaly, i just checked if everything is okey and what is she doing etc, when i said im looking for signs carefully i mean that im trying to be a good listener, and notice any changes in the other persons behaviour.

[JAKE022]

1 minute ago, littleblackheart said:

She might need reassurance that her recent actions haven't put you off.

That might sound counter intuitive, but you have nothing to lose by initiating contact to show her you're still here; she sounds conflicted, she just wants a sign from you.

I also thought about it, but if she tells me that she need space, i want to give it to her, i dont think its the case here, she knows that im here for her and i never left, but i will let her breathe for some time, and also make my mind right before i come for the rest of my stuff and try to talk with her

[JAKE022]

32 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

One of the things I’ve learned from the last month of being out of my relationship and being active on this forum is the person who gets dumped (including myself) instinctively say “These problems are fixable.” “I know we can work on them.” But what we neglect to acknowledge in our denial state is that it takes two to WANT to work on a relationship. When someone breaks up with another person, they are, with actions, saying “I don’t want to fix the problems or work on them.” The next move is acceptance and healing. I’m a month out and I can assure you that it gets better. 

I know and i agree + she also told me that she does not have an energy to try fix these things now, i also told her that i know we can fix it but i cant do it alone so 100% agree

[Azincourt]

Not surprising. You're 25, which makes you very, very young, and you began dating your girlfriend when you turned 22. Most young relationships don't work out.  It's not your fault and neither is it your girlfriend's fault that your relationship has run it's natural course. Cut all contact with your ex-girlfriend for at least a year(yes, when people want a break what that means is that they want to sleep with other people without feeling guilty about it) and stay 6 to 1 year away from the dating world, heal yourself up, and then when you're emotionally ready for it: go back out there and meet new women.

That way you protect your heart and your life(covid-19 out there in the world).

[Zona]

Maybe I'm too cynical, but very high chance she met someone else and wants to see how far it goes while keeping you as plan B.

Not 100% certain, but this is usually the case in these type of situations. Crying, begging and pleading will only make you look weak and desperate while the other guy comes across as confident and strong. Don't ask her if she is seeing someone else, because she will just lie if she is, so it's pointless. If you do decide to contact her, let her know that you won't hold her back, and that since she is having doubts, you are ready to move on and have lots of options. Much better to avoid the scarcity mindset because there are tons and tons of single women out there that won't play these kind of games.

If she is doing this to you now, then she is not marriage material and this would likely happen again if you marry her. There is nothing magical about marriage that makes people more faithful than while dating. It's confusing and hurtful, and having more financial entanglements and/or kids would make this kind for situation much worse. BTDT.

Edited January 13, 2021 by Zona

[tart6245]

8 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

One of the things I’ve learned from the last month of being out of my relationship and being active on this forum is the person who gets dumped (including myself) instinctively say “These problems are fixable.” “I know we can work on them.” But what we neglect to acknowledge in our denial state is that it takes two to WANT to work on a relationship. When someone breaks up with another person, they are, with actions, saying “I don’t want to fix the problems or work on them.” The next move is acceptance and healing. I’m a month out and I can assure you that it gets better. 

Agreed with this. I am 3 weeks out now and am finally starting to eat somewhat normally again and not feel quite as awful as I did 3 weeks ago. I still have the urge to contact my ex to talk about our issues and what I am doing now to address them and make myself a better person, but the rational side of me tells me it likely will either go ignored or she will respond negatively. 

If someone is worth having in your life, they will stick around through the good and bad and work with you to make things better. If they pack up and leave, as my ex did, then you have to tell yourself they are not worth having in your life anyway. Why would you want someone around who rejected you and abandoned you?

[JAKE022]

6 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Agreed with this. I am 3 weeks out now and am finally starting to eat somewhat normally again and not feel quite as awful as I did 3 weeks ago. I still have the urge to contact my ex to talk about our issues and what I am doing now to address them and make myself a better person, but the rational side of me tells me it likely will either go ignored or she will respond negatively. 

If someone is worth having in your life, they will stick around through the good and bad and work with you to make things better. If they pack up and leave, as my ex did, then you have to tell yourself they are not worth having in your life anyway. Why would you want someone around who rejected you and abandoned you?

I understand you completely, but i also understand that people csn get lost in their lives, be stressed and make different decisions than usually, specialy during lockdown, i also believe that if the problem is not fundamental and you both love each other it would be crazy not to try to fix things- im that type of person who loves someone to death, at least she was the 1st person i had such a strong feeling with, i would die if i wouldnt try to get back together, if i fail - fine i will probably heal from that after year or two

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, JAKE022 said:

I understand you completely, but i also understand that people csn get lost in their lives, be stressed and make different decisions than usually, specialy during lockdown, i also believe that if the problem is not fundamental and you both love each other it would be crazy not to try to fix things- im that type of person who loves someone to death, at least she was the 1st person i had such a strong feeling with, i would die if i wouldnt try to get back together, if i fail - fine i will probably heal from that after year or two

No one is worth dying over, especially someone who has rejected you. Yes, lockdown and covid strained things for everyone, and a lot of relationships failed during that period, but that alone should not be an excuse to leave someone. If your partner cannot understand the stresses this pandemic has caused, then they are not worth being with. 

Life is always a series of ups and downs. Things are not always going to be perfect and you want a partner that is willing to stick with you even when times are not great. I'm not saying they should tolerate cheating or abuse, but they should be able to tolerate and work on differences, especially those arising from stressful situations like this lockdown/pandemic that is still ongoing. When my ex told me I could not use the pandemic as an excuse, I felt that was extremely unfair and immature. 

The strong couples have survived and many have gotten better during all of this while the weak ones fell apart. Unfortunately, we were in weak relationships with much weaker bonds than we thought. Regardless of whether she loves you, she didn't love you enough to want to work through things. Tell yourself that. That's what I remind myself every day. She felt I was not worth it to work through differences and difficult things. I need to convince myself she is not worth pursuing any longer. I'll get there. You will too.

Edited January 13, 2021 by tarheelian

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't like all the comments about dumpers just don't care enough, reject and abandon their mate without even trying. I was the dumper, but I cared a lot, and I tried over and over to make things work with him. If anything, I tend to be too nice and give people too many chances.

If you realize the two of you keep hitting your heads against a brick wall, and you know you can't ever compromise enough for the situation to become peaceful and productive, I think it's more caring and mature to move on than to keep going in circles.

I was as fair as I could be in my breakup, and I sincerely wished him every happiness in the future. 

While the circumstances of this break/breakup are different, it doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't wish things could work. It means she realizes that in the current circumstances, it's not working. But like I said, I think that in this case, there's a good chance of getting back together once she gets work, life, and pandemic stress under control.

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

I understand you completely, but i also understand that people csn get lost in their lives, be stressed and make different decisions than usually, specialy during lockdown, i also believe that if the problem is not fundamental and you both love each other it would be crazy not to try to fix things- im that type of person who loves someone to death, at least she was the 1st person i had such a strong feeling with, i would die if i wouldnt try to get back together, if i fail - fine i will probably heal from that after year or two

if this were true, this forum wouldn't even need to exist.

[JAKE022]

34 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

if this were true, this forum wouldn't even need to exist.

I dont say its true for everybody, but it is for some people, and i know couples that been there.

[JAKE022]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't like all the comments about dumpers just don't care enough, reject and abandon their mate without even trying. I was the dumper, but I cared a lot, and I tried over and over to make things work with him. If anything, I tend to be too nice and give people too many chances.

If you realize the two of you keep hitting your heads against a brick wall, and you know you can't ever compromise enough for the situation to become peaceful and productive, I think it's more caring and mature to move on than to keep going in circles.

I was as fair as I could be in my breakup, and I sincerely wished him every happiness in the future. 

While the circumstances of this break/breakup are different, it doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't wish things could work. It means she realizes that in the current circumstances, it's not working. But like I said, I think that in this case, there's a good chance of getting back together once she gets work, life, and pandemic stress under control.

I agree with you Ruby 100%, i know she cares, there is no doubt about it. I will try to contact her after she complete her exams - so probably next week if she wont text or call me. I wont believe that person with genuine love and happiness in her eyes and in her actions towards me can leave just like this few days later. 
But even if we come back together there will be a lot of work on both sides

[tart6245]

5 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I agree with you Ruby 100%, i know she cares, there is no doubt about it. I will try to contact her after she complete her exams - so probably next week if she wont text or call me. I wont believe that person with genuine love and happiness in her eyes and in her actions towards me can leave just like this few days later. 
But even if we come back together there will be a lot of work on both sides

You'll have to let us know how it goes if you do reach out, but my ex also said she was all in our relationship when I questioned her 8 days before she left, and she planned the holidays with my family a week before she left. All I can say is, whatever she may say or do before a breakup doesn't matter. She still left you. Like my ex, she was lying to you.

[JAKE022]

11 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

You'll have to let us know how it goes if you do reach out, but my ex also said she was all in our relationship when I questioned her 8 days before she left, and she planned the holidays with my family a week before she left. All I can say is, whatever she may say or do before a breakup doesn't matter. She still left you. Like my ex, she was lying to you.

I also think it could be it, however im more conviced that there were these small things that were uncomfortable for her and she never told me about it , she was happy and love me untill she got overwhelmed with work and study, than these small things grew on her and just exploded with the mix of bad emotions caused by work etc, that would explain why she still claims she love me but dont have an energy to work on our relationship .i know her well, and how she reacts and when i sum it up it is most likely this scenario but than again only she knows the truth, i will let you know for sure ! 

[tart6245]

6 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I also think it could be it, however im more conviced that there were these small things that were uncomfortable for her and she never told me about it , she was happy and love me untill she got overwhelmed with work and study, than these small things grew on her and just exploded with the mix of bad emotions caused by work etc, that would explain why she still claims she love me but dont have an energy to work on our relationship .i know her well, and how she reacts and when i sum it up it is most likely this scenario but than again only she knows the truth, i will let you know for sure ! 

The same can be said about my ex - overwhelmed with work (she was), general stress about the way life is. We have a lot of similarities. I did my share of pushing her away as well. Not sure about you. My point is, temper your expectations. I never thought my ex would act as she always did while setting plans in motion behind my back to leave, but she did, and I learned that side of her exists. The aura and view I had of her will be dead forever, regardless of whether we reconcile or not. The idea that she would never lie to me or hurt me that I once had will never come back. 

Edited January 13, 2021 by tarheelian

[JAKE022]

17 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

The same can be said about my ex - overwhelmed with work (she was), general stress about the way life is. We have a lot of similarities. I did my share of pushing her away as well. Not sure about you. My point is, temper your expectations. I never thought my ex would act as she always did while setting plans in motion behind my back to leave, but she did, and I learned that side of her exists. The aura and view I had of her will be dead forever, regardless of whether we reconcile or not. The idea that she would never lie to me or hurt me that I once had will never come back. 

I feel your pain , i am sorry to hear that. I hope you have moved on and it doesnt hurt anymore. 
I dont think i did anything specific in last few weeks that could push her away, because of lockdown and HO i was less „active” and more tired than usually. Now i have to take pills to fall asleep 

[tart6245]

28 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I feel your pain , i am sorry to hear that. I hope you have moved on and it doesnt hurt anymore. 
I dont think i did anything specific in last few weeks that could push her away, because of lockdown and HO i was less „active” and more tired than usually. Now i have to take pills to fall asleep 

I am only 3 weeks out of my breakup, so no, I have not moved on. I go back and forth between reaching out to my ex to let her know I did not mean to push her away or make her feel like I did not want an engagement/marriage. And I also let the pandemic tire me out and my temper was shorter than usual. Those are on me. I regret all of that. But my ex never told me how dire things were or how she felt. She just packed up and left. She wasn't interested in working on things with me. 

I will say, I do feel better than I did 3 weeks ago. I am staying active, spending a lot of time with friends as safely as I can, and not having a lot of time alone. That has been very helpful. Whether I break down and reach out to her, I don't know, but I am giving us NC for at least 6 weeks before I even consider it. That gives both of us plenty of time to clear our heads and determine whether we miss each other or that we are relieved it's over. 

[maggiemtn]

It is my opinion that if your relationship is in a good place and both people are all in, getting overwhelmed with outside things will not make a partner take a break from the relationship or implement a split-second decision to breakup. Lasting relationships can go through rough times, but if your ex really was all in, she would not look at being overwhelmed and think “What needs to go? Oh, my boyfriend.” I know it sucks to think of it this way but I recently went through it as well. Even though *I* thought things were going well, my ex had doubts. People often grow apart, then realize it during trying times and make their break.
 

You can’t project your thought process onto her feelings. Even if she does come back around, I would be very concerned wondering what will happen the next time life becomes overwhelming. Will you be broken up with again? Once someone breaks it off, it’s usually time to pack it up and call it a day. Trust me, I know that doesn’t come easily because I groveled and begged my ex to work on “us.” But I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started to accept it.  It’s still hard, but each day gets easier because I’m trying to move forward, not looking backward. I implemented No Contact and stayed true to it. It’s really the best thing anyone can do in these situations. 

[JAKE022]

6 hours ago, maggiemtn said:

It is my opinion that if your relationship is in a good place and both people are all in, getting overwhelmed with outside things will not make a partner take a break from the relationship or implement a split-second decision to breakup. Lasting relationships can go through rough times, but if your ex really was all in, she would not look at being overwhelmed and think “What needs to go? Oh, my boyfriend.” I know it sucks to think of it this way but I recently went through it as well. Even though *I* thought things were going well, my ex had doubts. People often grow apart, then realize it during trying times and make their break.
 

You can’t project your thought process onto her feelings. Even if she does come back around, I would be very concerned wondering what will happen the next time life becomes overwhelming. Will you be broken up with again? Once someone breaks it off, it’s usually time to pack it up and call it a day. Trust me, I know that doesn’t come easily because I groveled and begged my ex to work on “us.” But I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started to accept it.  It’s still hard, but each day gets easier because I’m trying to move forward, not looking backward. I implemented No Contact and stayed true to it. It’s really the best thing anyone can do in these situations. 

You are 100% right, this can hurt again if we don’t really fix things between us, but im the type of person that will regret it later if i dont even try, if we dont come back than basically nothing will change since today it will just make my pain go for a little longer, I also accept the fact that it can happen again, but this break can also make us stronger and realize few things, i just believe that everybody deserves 2nd chance.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

 i just believe that everybody deserves 2nd chance.

That's the problem, though. It's not about "deserving" a second chance. 

I say that because if the dumper really does not want to continue dating, and is not invested enough to find solutions to the problems they cited in breaking up, giving someone a second chance does nothing but waste everyone's time. 

If they'd wanted to give their dumpees a second chance, they would have raised the issues with them while they were still invested and tried to make things work before resorting to a break-up. Those who don't do so, and only really mention the problems upon breaking up, are usually the ones who are emotionally long gone. 

[JAKE022]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's the problem, though. It's not about "deserving" a second chance. 

I say that because if the dumper really does not want to continue dating, and is not invested enough to find solutions to the problems they cited in breaking up, giving someone a second chance does nothing but waste everyone's time. 

If they'd wanted to give their dumpees a second chance, they would have raised the issues with them while they were still invested and tried to make things work before resorting to a break-up. Those who don't do so, and only really mention the problems upon breaking up, are usually the ones who are emotionally long gone. 

Yes and no, like i have mentioned before i know couples that been there in similar situations, even with bigger problems, and after a break up ( or break) they came back together, not all people are the same and react differently in different situations, im not saying that it will be the same in my case but i know it’s possible, otherwise i would not work on myself during this break now and would loose all hope few days ago. But at the same time I understand your point of view

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes and no, like i have mentioned before i know couples that been there in similar situations, even with bigger problems, and after a break up ( or break) they came back together, not all people are the same and react differently in different situations, im not saying that it will be the same in my case but i know it’s possible

Yes, as do I. I'm nearly 40 and  I have seen couples reunite several times. 

And in the vast majority of cases, those couples have broken up again later, often due to the same problems that drove them apart to begin with. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but rather to point out that some of us have seen a little further around the corner here. You may be the exception, it's possible. Just proceed with caution.