Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years

[tart6245]

11 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Right, i highly doubt it, untill they learn how to communicate properly in a relationship. It is just this thought that wont keep my mind in peace is that this all was easy to fix if addressed at the right time, funny thing is that she now telling me bunch of things i did that she didnt like and then i searched deep down in my heart if there is anything that pushed me away from her ? And realized that there is no such thing besides communication because i confronted my girlfriend with everything that i didnt like immediately, she eventually got angry for few hours but than problem was resolved. Why she didnt talk to me about her issues with the relationship  ? I dont know, maybe they assumed that it should be like in those movies and we should know everything and there should be no problems at all

Yeah - I did the same. I usually voiced my opinions to her over things I didn't like when they happened. Perhaps that drove her away and convinced her I wasn't happy, but at the time I felt it was worth discussing with her so we could address it. She rarely told me things that bothered her and would just get upset if I asked her if anything was wrong. It's just such a mystery to me. 

[JAKE022]

29 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Yeah - I did the same. I usually voiced my opinions to her over things I didn't like when they happened. Perhaps that drove her away and convinced her I wasn't happy, but at the time I felt it was worth discussing with her so we could address it. She rarely told me things that bothered her and would just get upset if I asked her if anything was wrong. It's just such a mystery to me. 

I think some people just dont know how to talk about issues and then when it grows inside them for some time they just want to cut other off because its the fastest way to get rid of those issues at that point, sad thing is now i dont even want to look at other women, im not attracted to anyone because they are not my ex, she had the type of body i love ( curvy , plus size but not to much with preety face) and i look around and cant see even one that i would be attracted to, also those weird funny things we used to do ... it is hard

[tart6245]

11 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I think some people just dont know how to talk about issues and then when it grows inside them for some time they just want to cut other off because its the fastest way to get rid of those issues at that point, sad thing is now i dont even want to look at other women, im not attracted to anyone because they are not my ex, she had the type of body i love ( curvy , plus size but not to much with preety face) and i look around and cant see even one that i would be attracted to, also those weird funny things we used to do ... it is hard

You'll get passed not looking at other women at some point. It's tough and it sucks, but as time goes by, you will heal and feel better. I would not expect you to feel better this soon given how long you were together. And the contact you made likely set you back. That's why I keep struggling with whether to make contact because I know if she rejects me again or ignores me, I will feel even worse than I do now. But perhaps that will be all the closure I need to finally let go. I am not sure. 

As for you, I would not go see her in person, but that's entirely up to you. It will only make you hurt worse. I would only see her if there was a chance you were going to give it another go and it sounds like she has shut the door on that one. The only thing seeing her in person will do is open up your wound even further and it may cause you to do something drastic like begging. 

[JAKE022]

4 hours ago, tarheelian said:

You'll get passed not looking at other women at some point. It's tough and it sucks, but as time goes by, you will heal and feel better. I would not expect you to feel better this soon given how long you were together. And the contact you made likely set you back. That's why I keep struggling with whether to make contact because I know if she rejects me again or ignores me, I will feel even worse than I do now. But perhaps that will be all the closure I need to finally let go. I am not sure. 

As for you, I would not go see her in person, but that's entirely up to you. It will only make you hurt worse. I would only see her if there was a chance you were going to give it another go and it sounds like she has shut the door on that one. The only thing seeing her in person will do is open up your wound even further and it may cause you to do something drastic like begging. 

I understand you but i want to meet her in person just to end things with mutual respect for each other, we been together for a long time i think we both deserve some final words, or at least i will see if she is really sure about our break up, because i have a feeling that she is not , even if she is i want her to know that she will always have a friend in me, i dont want to end things with negativity because of course i hope that one day we will come back but also im just a good person that doesn’t want to leave bad smell behind , even if i had all rights to do it - but i still love her so i wont act like an a**h***

[maggiemtn]

28 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I understand you but i want to meet her in person just to end things with mutual respect for each other, we been together for a long time i think we both deserve some final words, or at least i will see if she is really sure about our break up, because i have a feeling that she is not , even if she is i want her to know that she will always have a friend in me, i dont want to end things with negativity because of course i hope that one day we will come back but also im just a good person that doesn’t want to leave bad smell behind , even if i had all rights to do it - but i still love her so i wont act like an a**h***

I understand not wanting to end things with negativity but there is also the need for you to protect your own mental sanity and emotional welfare. I can promise you, from someone who has been there, there will be more mutual respect if you do not ask her what she has already told you to be true, that she does want the breakup. Questioning her just to see if she's changed her mind is going to seem like begging and once you reach that point, it's the loss of self-respect that really makes you feel terrible. Lots of us have been there. Your emotions are running high right now and I really advise you to think about this when you're more clear-headed. You will put yourself back at Day 1 when you see her. It will derail any progress you've made and you're going to really wish you hadn't done it. Just trying to prevent you some pain, as I've made this same mistake and it always ends up making you feel worse. You can end things with mutual respect and no negativity without having to see one another. Happens all the time. 

[tart6245]

36 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I understand you but i want to meet her in person just to end things with mutual respect for each other, we been together for a long time i think we both deserve some final words, or at least i will see if she is really sure about our break up, because i have a feeling that she is not , even if she is i want her to know that she will always have a friend in me, i dont want to end things with negativity because of course i hope that one day we will come back but also im just a good person that doesn’t want to leave bad smell behind , even if i had all rights to do it - but i still love her so i wont act like an a**h***

You'll make your own decision, but I would not offer to be friends at all nor would I tell her you'll always be there for her. The last thing you want is to be her backup plan if/when she fails at another relationship. For me, there is only two options - you get back together or you are done entirely. There is no friendship. This person rejected you and thinks she can do better than what you can offer. 

I just think you're walking into a situation that is only going to hurt you more and set you back on your healing process. She's made it clear she sees no future with you. There seems to be nothing left to say. You may never get closure just like I may never get it. At this point, you just have to look out and protect yourself. 

[JAKE022]

13 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

You'll make your own decision, but I would not offer to be friends at all nor would I tell her you'll always be there for her. The last thing you want is to be her backup plan if/when she fails at another relationship. For me, there is only two options - you get back together or you are done entirely. There is no friendship. This person rejected you and thinks she can do better than what you can offer. 

I just think you're walking into a situation that is only going to hurt you more and set you back on your healing process. She's made it clear she sees no future with you. There seems to be nothing left to say. You may never get closure just like I may never get it. At this point, you just have to look out and protect yourself. 

Yes you are right, thats my problem i always look after people i love even if that will hurt me...  well we will meet anyway as i still have some clothes in her apartment, i just want to clear the air between us and that is it, but you are right proposing her to be friends will probably make me end up as a fbw or just friend ..

[tart6245]

4 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes you are right, thats my problem i always look after people i love even if that will hurt me...  well we will meet anyway as i still have some clothes in her apartment, i just want to clear the air between us and that is it, but you are right proposing her to be friends will probably make me end up as a fbw or just friend ..

You just need to look at it from your own perspective. Right now, you are still putting her first. She rejected you and left you. She is looking out for herself only. Thus, there is no reason for you to waste time or energy on her anymore. You invested 3 years of your life into someone only to have them leave you. While undoubtedly you were not perfect, no one is, she decided to leave rather than try to work through problems or have an honest conversation about where things stood. 

This is what I tell myself whenever I feel weak or urges to try to speak to my ex. I am a month into the breakup and so far have resisted contacting her, no matter how badly I was to, so it has worked. 

[JAKE022]

Just now, tarheelian said:

You just need to look at it from your own perspective. Right now, you are still putting her first. She rejected you and left you. She is looking out for herself only. Thus, there is no reason for you to waste time or energy on her anymore. You invested 3 years of your life into someone only to have them leave you. While undoubtedly you were not perfect, no one is, she decided to leave rather than try to work through problems or have an honest conversation about where things stood. 

This is what I tell myself whenever I feel weak or urges to try to speak to my ex. I am a month into the breakup and so far have resisted contacting her, no matter how badly I was to, so it has worked. 

I agree almost 100% however i still dont think i wasted 3 years of my life with her, i really became a better person, more mature, before we met i was wild but i knew i needed to change, she helped me a lot with it also she showed me how to be truly loved by someone ( well not including this month of course) but yes this is what hurt me the most she judged our whole relationship with our last 1-3 months without trying to work on our problems,  i will let her go ( i do not have any other choice i guess ) but i dont believe she is following her true feelings with this decision, 

[Perdu]

Two jobs and uni + Covid lockdown, no wonder she's not happy. It could be you, but it could be her entire life, she probably doesn't know how to handle all the pressure that is on her right now.

Her texting/telling you that she's happy doesn't necessarly means that she is, sometimes people lie also to themselves, not only to others. 

It seems to me that she is overwhelmed by everything what's going on in her life and she chose to pull away from the relationship, in order to catch some breath. I think you should respect her decision and stay away for now, no matter how hard it seems. It's the only way to get her back. Meanwhile, focus on yourself and your well being, because being at peace and giving good vibes is always attractive, especially nowadays.

[tart6245]

4 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I agree almost 100% however i still dont think i wasted 3 years of my life with her, i really became a better person, more mature, before we met i was wild but i knew i needed to change, she helped me a lot with it also she showed me how to be truly loved by someone ( well not including this month of course) but yes this is what hurt me the most she judged our whole relationship with our last 1-3 months without trying to work on our problems,  i will let her go ( i do not have any other choice i guess ) but i dont believe she is following her true feelings with this decision, 

Unfortunately only she can determine what her true feelings are, and it sounds like she has made up her mind. I get it. Neither of us have to regret the last few years of our lives. You learn things from every relationship you have and that teaches you about yourself and about what you want and don't want.

I can look back on my relationship and recall the times I wasn't happy or times I was frustrated. They were minor problems to me, at least, and not something I would throw away a 2.5 year relationship over. It was mostly my ex convincing herself of something and ignoring that I was making an effort to move our relationship forward. Rather than talk to me, she left. If she is gone forever, I will take what I have learned and apply it to my next relationship, whenever that may be. I still of course hope my relationship can be salvaged in the future, but I am not going to bet on it and I am moving on as if she is gone forever. 

[JAKE022]

5 minutes ago, Perdu said:

Two jobs and uni + Covid lockdown, no wonder she's not happy. It could be you, but it could be her entire life, she probably doesn't know how to handle all the pressure that is on her right now.

Her texting/telling you that she's happy doesn't necessarly means that she is, sometimes people lie also to themselves, not only to others. 

It seems to me that she is overwhelmed by everything what's going on in her life and she chose to pull away from the relationship, in order to catch some breath. I think you should respect her decision and stay away for now, no matter how hard it seems. It's the only way to get her back. Meanwhile, focus on yourself and your well being, because being at peace and giving good vibes is always attractive, especially nowadays.

I also think thats the case, at least i hope that is the case.. i guess we can only see in the next few months if anything changes but it will be a lot of work if she would finally change her decision, i dont know where im going to be mentally then.

[dramafreezone]

18 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

I agree almost 100% however i still dont think i wasted 3 years of my life with her, i really became a better person, more mature, before we met i was wild but i knew i needed to change, she helped me a lot with it also she showed me how to be truly loved by someone ( well not including this month of course) but yes this is what hurt me the most she judged our whole relationship with our last 1-3 months without trying to work on our problems,  i will let her go ( i do not have any other choice i guess ) but i dont believe she is following her true feelings with this decision, 

That's how it is.  Not every woman is willing to stick it out with you through adversity.  At least you know now before you got married or there was a kid in the picture.

But she is definitely following her true feelings.  She doesn't want to be with you.  Maybe that might change as times goes on but she knows what she feels right now.  Don't get into this trap of thinking that she's confused or any of that.  She's not.

[JAKE022]

7 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Unfortunately only she can determine what her true feelings are, and it sounds like she has made up her mind. I get it. Neither of us have to regret the last few years of our lives. You learn things from every relationship you have and that teaches you about yourself and about what you want and don't want.

I can look back on my relationship and recall the times I wasn't happy or times I was frustrated. They were minor problems to me, at least, and not something I would throw away a 2.5 year relationship over. It was mostly my ex convincing herself of something and ignoring that I was making an effort to move our relationship forward. Rather than talk to me, she left. If she is gone forever, I will take what I have learned and apply it to my next relationship, whenever that may be. I still of course hope my relationship can be salvaged in the future, but I am not going to bet on it and I am moving on as if she is gone forever. 

And that is a great way of thinking at this moment, i will get there too in few weeks probably, now it feels like a nightmare, its crazy how our situations are so similar

[tart6245]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

That's how it is.  Not every woman is willing to stick it out with you through adversity.  At least you know now before you got married or there was a kid in the picture.

But she is definitely following her true feelings.  She doesn't want to be with you.  Maybe that might change as times goes on but she knows what she feels right now.  Don't get into this trap of thinking that she's confused or any of that.  She's not.

Yeah, this is something he and I both need to internalize as we try to heal. Our ex's were not willing to stick with us through all difficult times, and the last year especially has been hard on everyone. I can't imagine how much worse I'd feel if we had been engaged or married. I'm just thankful I had not been looking at rings very seriously before she packed up and left. You'd think after 2.5 years and nearly 7 months living together, she'd be better at expressing her feelings to me before she went to the extreme level she did. 

[tart6245]

6 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

And that is a great way of thinking at this moment, i will get there too in few weeks probably, now it feels like a nightmare, its crazy how our situations are so similar

It still feels like a dream that I have not woken up from. It's so hard to believe a month ago, we were living together and planning the holidays with my family and a week later, she packed up and left without any warning or discussion that she was unhappy/concerned about the future. I know I still haven't processed it, but I have a great support group I am leaning on and I know I will pull through one way or another. But even today, things feel so surreal. 

[JAKE022]

3 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Yeah, this is something he and I both need to internalize as we try to heal. Our ex's were not willing to stick with us through all difficult times, and the last year especially has been hard on everyone. I can't imagine how much worse I'd feel if we had been engaged or married. I'm just thankful I had not been looking at rings very seriously before she packed up and left. You'd think after 2.5 years and nearly 7 months living together, she'd be better at expressing her feelings to me before she went to the extreme level she did. 

Exactly, true love should stay during good and bad times, if they left and still love us than they are not ready for what they wanted - marriage and our own home

[JAKE022]

2 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

It still feels like a dream that I have not woken up from. It's so hard to believe a month ago, we were living together and planning the holidays with my family and a week later, she packed up and left without any warning or discussion that she was unhappy/concerned about the future. I know I still haven't processed it, but I have a great support group I am leaning on and I know I will pull through one way or another. But even today, things feel so surreal. 

I feel the same, i have few friends that i can talk to about this, it helps, but they are not available all the time as most of them are in relationships, this is why i made this post here, and i have to say that it really helps me, 

[tart6245]

2 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Exactly, true love should stay during good and bad times, if they left and still love us than they are not ready for what they wanted - marriage and our own home

No, she never once told me she was unhappy or wanted out until the day I came home to find her stuff packed up and gone. I'm convinced she thought I was going to eventually leave her and pre-emptively moved out rather than confront me about her worries. 

[Perdu]

13 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

Unfortunately only she can determine what her true feelings are, and it sounds like she has made up her mind. I get it. Neither of us have to regret the last few years of our lives. You learn things from every relationship you have and that teaches you about yourself and about what you want and don't want.

I can look back on my relationship and recall the times I wasn't happy or times I was frustrated. They were minor problems to me, at least, and not something I would throw away a 2.5 year relationship over. It was mostly my ex convincing herself of something and ignoring that I was making an effort to move our relationship forward. Rather than talk to me, she left. If she is gone forever, I will take what I have learned and apply it to my next relationship, whenever that may be. I still of course hope my relationship can be salvaged in the future, but I am not going to bet on it and I am moving on as if she is gone forever. 

Yes, consider the possibility that this relationship won't move forward. Sometimes it doesn't, not matter how hard one wants or tries, we cannot impose feelings, neither on ourselves or on others. People change everyday, and so does the relationship between them, it takes a lot an effort from both parties, for a sucessful longterm. If your ex was not able to make that effort, no matter the reason, you can't do it for her. Perhaps she was feeling this way you not making enough effort,  you can't know what she is thinking, unless she discloses that. The best you can do is learn the most from this experience so far and apply it on the next relationship or on this one from now on, if it will be resumed. 

[Perdu]

6 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

No, she never once told me she was unhappy or wanted out until the day I came home to find her stuff packed up and gone. I'm convinced she thought I was going to eventually leave her and pre-emptively moved out rather than confront me about her worries. 

Same thing happened to me once, I've been always told that he was happy till the day he decided to end it and wanted to move away asap. And then he confessed that he actually wasn't happy for some time, he was lying to himself,  trying to convince himself that he could hang on there and did not want to deal with his real feelings and kept hiding them till he couldn't no more. 

My conclusion: never assume someone's true feelings, some people are very good at hiding and some are very bad at reading feelings or signs. Usually, one's hidden real feelings surface only after the internal struggle is too strong to be kept inside, which may seem the case for you and Jake.

[dramafreezone]

 

30 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Exactly, true love should stay during good and bad times, if they left and still love us than they are not ready for what they wanted - marriage and our own home

I think this is extremely rare.  Most in relationships love the way the other person makes them feel.  So whenever you stop making them feel that way, then they're out of there.

True love, where they will stick by you and love you no matter what, very, very rare.

[JAKE022]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

 

I think this is extremely rare.  Most in relationships love the way the other person makes them feel.  So whenever you stop making them feel that way, then they're out of there.

True love, where they will stick by you and love you no matter what, very, very rare.

Well i know at least few examples so its not that rare in my circle, + almost everybody in my family 

[Perdu]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 

I think this is extremely rare.  Most in relationships love the way the other person makes them feel.  So whenever you stop making them feel that way, then they're out of there.

True love, where they will stick by you and love you no matter what, very, very rare.

I once read a quote by some writer, that said " I love you not for whom you are, but who i am when i'm by your side". I do believe it is true, we love the way someone makes us feel about ourself.

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Well i know at least few examples so its not that rare in my circle, + almost everybody in my family 

Well, I don't know if all of those couples are happy though.  Some stay together because of kids, because they just don't want to start over.  I don't know if it's because of true love.

Completely different from two younger people who aren't married and don't have kids.