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Girlfriend unexpectedly broke up/ took a break from our relationship after 3 years


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11 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

 i know i will be waiting for her this is the hardest part ...

It will be at first, but as you slowly adjust to life with her, you will probably find yourself "waiting" less and less. 

This will be emotionally disorienting for a while. But, you will likely find that you slowly think of her a little less at a time. The first few weeks are the hardest. But remember that it does get better, and very few people truly stay stuck on an ex forever. Life has a way of leading us in other directions, and these painful episodes become less traumatizing as we gain more time and space away from them. 

You'll get there, Jake. 

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1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It will be at first, but as you slowly adjust to life with her, you will probably find yourself "waiting" less and less. 

This will be emotionally disorienting for a while. But, you will likely find that you slowly think of her a little less at a time. The first few weeks are the hardest. But remember that it does get better, and very few people truly stay stuck on an ex forever. Life has a way of leading us in other directions, and these painful episodes become less traumatizing as we gain more time and space away from them. 

You'll get there, Jake. 

I hope i will , but i can tell you now that she will be in my mind for a veeeeeryyy looong time, years probably, it was amazing 3 years, best in my life to be honest one day i will get there but i feel like if we dont get back together that pain will still sit somewhere deep inside me. I want to thank you guys for all words of wisdom it really helps me, i will for sure keep yall updated if anything ever changes, even for scientific purposes lol i got to admit that i been through a lot in my life, parents divorce, my father going bankrupt than becoming an alcoholic and tried to commit a suicide in front of my eyes twice, dealing with different mental states during that time i always treated it like a journey pain was hard but i could deal with it and i thought im strong as hell mentaly , but when it comes to break ups im devastaded, its different type of sadness, im not so strong in those situations

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LivingWaterPlease
7 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

I hope i will , but i can tell you now that she will be in my mind for a veeeeeryyy looong time, years probably, it was amazing 3 years, best in my life to be honest one day i will get there but i feel like if we dont get back together that pain will still sit somewhere deep inside me. I want to thank you guys for all words of wisdom it really helps me, i will for sure keep yall updated if anything ever changes, even for scientific purposes lol i got to admit that i been through a lot in my life, parents divorce, my father going bankrupt than becoming an alcoholic and tried to commit a suicide in front of my eyes twice, dealing with different mental states during that time i always treated it like a journey pain was hard but i could deal with it and i thought im strong as hell mentaly , but when it comes to break ups im devastaded, its different type of sadness, im not so strong in those situations

You have been through a lot! I'm so sorry you're going through this now, Jake. I know that you have to grieve and process this R before you move on but you sound like such a great guy that it seems to me you will find a great lady to love and be happy with at some point after having gotten over this pain.

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11 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

I hope i will , but i can tell you now that she will be in my mind for a veeeeeryyy looong time, years probably, 

Honestly? Probably not that long. 

It feels like it now, but that's because you can't see around the corner yet. Yes, some people remain hung up for years, but in reality, I know very few who stay stuck that long. You are spinning emotionally at the moment but it's far more likely that you will heal and move past this, as most usually do after a break-up. 

Don't tell yourself that it will take ages, whatever you do. That sort of narrative isn't helpful. Remind yourself that you can take your time processing this, and won't feel "normal" again for a little while - but that you will move on. There is no reason why you'd be the exception to the millions of break-ups that happen every day, unless you lose total control of your emotional faculties. But I don't sense that in your posts. I sense a guy who is blindsided and is hurt, but who also has enough insight and logic to see that maybe things weren't so amazing if she could just up and leave with no warning. You don't seem the type who will lose all his marbles over this. They're a little scattered and rolling across the floor in all directions right now but you seem capable of slowly corralling them, a few at a time. 

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3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly? Probably not that long. 

It feels like it now, but that's because you can't see around the corner yet. Yes, some people remain hung up for years, but in reality, I know very few who stay stuck that long. You are spinning emotionally at the moment but it's far more likely that you will heal and move past this, as most usually do after a break-up. 

Don't tell yourself that it will take ages, whatever you do. That sort of narrative isn't helpful. Remind yourself that you can take your time processing this, and won't feel "normal" again for a little while - but that you will move on. There is no reason why you'd be the exception to the millions of break-ups that happen every day, unless you lose total control of your emotional faculties. But I don't sense that in your posts. I sense a guy who is blindsided and is hurt, but who also has enough insight and logic to see that maybe things weren't so amazing if she could just up and leave with no warning. You don't seem the type who will lose all his marbles over this. They're a little scattered and rolling across the floor in all directions right now but you seem capable of slowly corralling them, a few at a time. 

You are right, I constantly jump from thinking logically to emotions now, one minute i accept what happened and make plans for my future ( i will be buying my first apartament by the way!) and next minute i think of a plan on how to get her back specially that our closing conversation wasnt bad it was actually very building( i dont know if thats the word - english is not my native language sorry) and heart melting which makes it even harder for me to get over it ( my last relationship of 0,5 year ended because she basically cheated and played mind games with me , i was hurt but it was easy for me to not want her back and i just said f*** it and got back up preety fast but even till this day i sometimes think about her - not romantically but she just pops up in my head randomly this is why i think it would take me very long time to not think about my current ex, our relationship was stronger , 100 times more intimate and we were closer, almost like a one person) now i want to focus on getting in shape because i gained few kilograms in weight, closed gyms in my country does not help but i will find some solution, i think this will distract my mind for some time and help me to heal

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7 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

You have been through a lot! I'm so sorry you're going through this now, Jake. I know that you have to grieve and process this R before you move on but you sound like such a great guy that it seems to me you will find a great lady to love and be happy with at some point after having gotten over this pain.

I hope this will happen, thank you ! 

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I know it's tough and I still think every day what I could have done to save my relationship, but then I wonder how she could do to me what she did because it isn't something I could ever bring myself to do to her. It's a very difficult back and forth in my mind. 

I do look at your situation and feel like we are dealing in somewhat similar terms. Every day I ask myself if I want to reach out to my ex because I feel like I drove her away, I tell myself the outcome probably won't be any better than yours or others who have tried before. 

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7 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I know it's tough and I still think every day what I could have done to save my relationship, but then I wonder how she could do to me what she did because it isn't something I could ever bring myself to do to her. It's a very difficult back and forth in my mind. 

I do look at your situation and feel like we are dealing in somewhat similar terms. Every day I ask myself if I want to reach out to my ex because I feel like I drove her away, I tell myself the outcome probably won't be any better than yours or others who have tried before. 

Same here bro, i think in both cases its to soon to reach out ( well i seen her yesterday so there is no point at all now even tho i now know that she still have feelings for me), and we shouldnt, if you find yourself thinking about her same way in the next few months i would reach out to her - either to receive a confirmation that it is really the end and now i know that there is no chance to get her back it would probably hurt but will help to move on or if she would respond and there would be a chance to fix your relationship and if you still truly wanted that i would try - not everyone would probably reccommend it tho

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17 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Same here bro, i think in both cases its to soon to reach out ( well i seen her yesterday so there is no point at all now even tho i now know that she still have feelings for me), and we shouldnt, if you find yourself thinking about her same way in the next few months i would reach out to her - either to receive a confirmation that it is really the end and now i know that there is no chance to get her back it would probably hurt but will help to move on or if she would respond and there would be a chance to fix your relationship and if you still truly wanted that i would try - not everyone would probably reccommend it tho

Most would not recommend I do anything but move on. Considering the circumstances surrounding my breakup, some days I think it is worth a shot to try if she left because she felt I didn't love her anymore, but it's also entirely possible she doesn't care anymore and would not want to go back and try again. 

It doesn't matter if they still have feelings for you or not. I think it's obviously they do, but they chose to leave. That's all you can pay attention to. Their feelings were not strong enough to stay with us. 

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On 1/25/2021 at 3:46 PM, tart6245 said:

Most would not recommend I do anything but move on. Considering the circumstances surrounding my breakup, some days I think it is worth a shot to try if she left because she felt I didn't love her anymore, but it's also entirely possible she doesn't care anymore and would not want to go back and try again. 

It doesn't matter if they still have feelings for you or not. I think it's obviously they do, but they chose to leave. That's all you can pay attention to. Their feelings were not strong enough to stay with us. 

Yes, unfortunately.  I know that if i do not move on completely after few months i will reach out to her and see if there is any chance to start dating again, if not than cool at least i will get a confirmation that there was no chance at all from the beginning

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8 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes, unfortunately.  I know that if i do not move on completely after few months i will reach out to her and see if there is any chance to start dating again, if not than cool at least i will get a confirmation that there was no chance at all from the beginning

Keep in mind the recovery process from leaving a long-term relationship could last up to 4-6 months. You may not be entirely over her in a few months, and reaching out to her may just set you back in your recovery. Sometimes it works if you both realize you miss each other, but other times you find out your ex has moved on to someone else and it just makes you hurt more. I will say though, in my experience finding out they moved on actually helped me let go. At least then I knew they had let me go and I needed to do the same thing. This was months after the split though. You and I are still in the early stages. 

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17 hours ago, tart6245 said:

Keep in mind the recovery process from leaving a long-term relationship could last up to 4-6 months. You may not be entirely over her in a few months, and reaching out to her may just set you back in your recovery. Sometimes it works if you both realize you miss each other, but other times you find out your ex has moved on to someone else and it just makes you hurt more. I will say though, in my experience finding out they moved on actually helped me let go. At least then I knew they had let me go and I needed to do the same thing. This was months after the split though. You and I are still in the early stages. 

Im aware of that :( it has been only 2,5 weeks and its still fresh and painfull, everyday i wake up sad as hell finding out again that i cannot wake up next to her anymore... today i even had a strong i feeling that i need to talk to her , i didnt reach out but it was almost stronger than me. To be honest i cannot imagine my life without her, it will probably change but now it is just hell on earth for me. If it does not change or i will not move on i will reach out to her for sure, if it sets me back than im fine with it, but at least it will help me in the long run

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4 hours ago, JAKE022 said:

Im aware of that :( it has been only 2,5 weeks and its still fresh and painfull, everyday i wake up sad as hell finding out again that i cannot wake up next to her anymore... today i even had a strong i feeling that i need to talk to her , i didnt reach out but it was almost stronger than me. To be honest i cannot imagine my life without her, it will probably change but now it is just hell on earth for me. If it does not change or i will not move on i will reach out to her for sure, if it sets me back than im fine with it, but at least it will help me in the long run

It will change. I've gone through breakups years ago where I felt the same way, and the sun kept coming up and eventually, I moved on. You will too. If things are meant to be, you will find your way, but your ex has made it clear she does not want to fix anything now. You have to accept that. You can't make someone want to be with you, and why would you? As hard as it is, you have to tell yourself that she didn't see you or your relationship as worth working on or saving. Someday, you will find someone that does see it as worthwhile. 

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A little update, yesterday i came to get my stuff back from her apartment, she was sad but really kind to me, her voice was cracking i could hear it, after i took everything we talked for some time but like i expected it , it didnt change anything, she said she just lost her job and didnt pass all her classes/lectures on uni and that she does not have energy or time to fix our relationship now when she was not happy in it for some time ( 1-2 months... out of 3 years ...)  we talked few more minutes, we gave each other strong hug at the end and i walked away, it was very sad, i called this place home for last 3 years and now i had to leave it, and her. She than texted me that she is sorry that she hurt me , we talked for some time, today she texted me again and we talked for some time again, i can see she is hurt and i do not understand her decision, i have to respect it tho 

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Like most you don’t get it upfront. You can’t make someone love you. If you chase they move farther away. Most develop a hopium addiction and stay in these longer than necessary. Should I do this, what if I do that? The only one keeping yourself in limbo will be you.

I love her so she must love me too. Nope.

Most often learning the hard way is good. If you LEARN.

What you’ll find is this isn’t the end of the world. There is no one and only, soulmate, etc. There are many who could fill that role. Why waste time on someone that doesn’t care.
 

Shes trying to let you down easy. Which is why you get not now. When she really means never. Words are meaningless. Her actions tell you what you need to know. This is always the case. So you cling to a maybe, hope, etc. Effectively keeping yourself on hold.

You’ll be fine. Don’t drag this out. Get your stuff and block contact. Let her go so that you free yourself. 
 

If not you’ll just linger for nothing.

 

 

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Yes, you've gotten more closure than a lot of us had. You've now had several meetings with her and gotten your stuff, and each time, she did not waiver on whether she wanted this to happen. She told you flat out she did not want to fix the relationship, so you have to move on with your life and cut contact completely. No more texting and talking. You're only hurting yourself and delaying your healing process. 

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1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

Yes, you've gotten more closure than a lot of us had. You've now had several meetings with her and gotten your stuff, and each time, she did not waiver on whether she wanted this to happen. She told you flat out she did not want to fix the relationship, so you have to move on with your life and cut contact completely. No more texting and talking. You're only hurting yourself and delaying your healing process. 

Yes thats true, its funny feeling when you want to care for someone ( like me right now want to look after her as i know she probably feels like crap after loosing her job and failing uni) but cant because the other person does not want it, its really hard for me guys, i was living happy life with this women for 3 years and now i had to let it all go, memories keep knocking in my head 24/7 but i know there is no other way, either this will heal me or make her miss me ( yes i know i know i shouldnt think she will come back) 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

No. In fact stop chatting.

I stopped today, it was last „closing” messages, i think we both had so much to say that there was no time to say it during our meetings thats why she wrote something and i responded few times 

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9 minutes ago, JAKE022 said:

Yes thats true, its funny feeling when you want to care for someone ( like me right now want to look after her as i know she probably feels like crap after loosing her job and failing uni) but cant because the other person does not want it, its really hard for me guys, i was living happy life with this women for 3 years and now i had to let it all go, memories keep knocking in my head 24/7 but i know there is no other way, either this will heal me or make her miss me ( yes i know i know i shouldnt think she will come back) 

You have to let that go. She told you flat out she wasn't interested and didn't even leave the door open for much of a future like many others do. With time, you will feel better and move on. You'll always remember the times you had together, but you won't feel emotional about them in 6 months to a year like you do now. Trust me, I remember times with exes in the past and the fun we had, but I also remember the bad times and why things had to end. In time, you will do the same and begin wanting to date other people. She gave you reasons for leaving and told you she didn't want to work on anything, so you have your closure. She even told you she wasn't happy for the last few months. Now, you need to cut all contact. No more texting or calling or communicating of any kind. 

 

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Ruby Slippers

Ugh, breakups suck extra during a pandemic.

What's your next move? Where will you be living? What are you focusing on for moving forward?

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9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Ugh, breakups suck extra during a pandemic.

What's your next move? Where will you be living? What are you focusing on for

i know i want to move out my parents apartment as soon as possible im also thinking about buying one instead of renting. Im trying to meet with friends as much as its possible so i dont sit at home looking at the ceilling all the time, want to go back to the gym but its closed in my country, and yeaah i will probably download tinder and try to date with other women, i dont want to plan anything bigger ( ok buying my own place is big but.. ) because im afraid most of my decisions could be made in emotions not logic thinking, i will now try to adapt to my new reality :( 

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Just now, JAKE022 said:
17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Ugh, breakups suck extra during a pandemic.

What's your next move? Where will you be living? What are you focusing on for

i know i want to move out my parents apartment as soon as possible im also thinking about buying one instead of renting. Im trying to meet with friends as much as its possible so i dont sit at home looking at the ceilling all the time, want to go back to the gym but its closed in my country, and yeaah i will probably download tinder and try to date with other women, i dont want to plan anything bigger ( ok buying my own place is big but.. ) because im afraid most of my decisions could be made in emotions not logic thinking, i will now try to adapt to my new reality :( 

And yeah i will probably text her in some time - few months if i still feel that way about her 🤷🏻‍♂️

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I'd not date anyone anytime soon if I were you. You need to heal from this breakup before you can open yourself up to a new person, unless you are looking for purely a rebound  you have no intention of dating long term. Trying to date someone now will just make you miss  your ex more and you will compare your time with the new person to your time with your ex. 

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