Dumpers do not feel pain

[stu1051]

Whenever the dumper leaves the dumpee, why are they always the ones praised for being strong and courageous? It's always the dumpers who deserve to be happy and are allowed to trash talk or sh*t on their ex partner. Meanwhile, people pity the dumpees and see them as weak losers who werent able to make the dumper stay and make the relationship work

Okay I understand it if the dumpee was abusive, manipulative, cheating, extremely toxic, etc. I definitely respect those who were able to leave those kinds of disgusting relationships.

But what if both were wrong? 

In my case, the reason why we broke up was because of my insecurity, her constantly fighting me over small things and getting mad over things we didn't even have to argue over, opposite personalities (incompatibility maybe?), lack of emotional control from both sides, and general relationship immaturity from both sides.

One problem we had was when I didn't fulfill her needs the first time (initiating/engaging in conversations, gift-giving, etc.) so that lead to fights because I didn't know! I told her how would I know if she didn't tell me? She said she just wanted her partner to "just know" without them telling what it is. ????? So you can already tell how much pressure that put on me. Fast forward after those many fights, i changed  A LOT to fulfill her needs. Me being an introverted person, I worked SO HARD to talk to her, I also bought her gifts, gave her affection, etc. I changed a lot to fulfill her needs and she said she was proud of me. I never asked her to change, I only asked for one thing from her -- patience. Did she do that for me? Not so much. 

Do you see how unfair that is? All the changes I made for her, made me realize that she didn't really accept me for who i was. Maybe we really were incompatible?

I can tell you, despite my insecurity (which I eventually fixed in the relationship), I was a good and loving partner. She even said that during the breakup. I know that she was also a good and loving partner, despite her flaws.

Now I feel used, I feel betrayed after her leaving me. Of course, I know people aren't obligated to stay... just let me vent these out....

I feel like she used me as a "stepping stone" for character development after breaking up with me so ohhh she's "so brave and strong for leaving the person she said she would never leave and was afraid of losing". Like I'm just one of those people in her life who are stages in which they will learn so much and change as a person after breaking their heart. 

Dumpers are always so happy once they leave the relationship and they're always praised for that, even though they had flaws too AND broke their promises when they said they wouldn't leave or when they said they were afraid of losing you. Do you see why I feel betrayed? It's because she said all of those. She said she didn't want me gone, she was scared to lose me, etc. all that bs.

So what about the dumpees? While the dumpers are happy and enjoying life without the person they claimed they "love so much" but left them, the dumpees are here having to go through an extremely devastating emotional rollercoaster that affects their daily life, unable to control emotional breakdowns and relapses. I have to constantly think about her every single day when i dont want to and here are the dumpers IMMEDIATLEY forgetting about the dumpee. Here she is doing so well without me and she had the audacity to say she "doesn't know how she will continue her life without me". Look at me? I'm barely surviving. Seriously dumpers dont feel as much pain as the dumpees. She is a hypocrite -- she's so scared of losing people and people leaving her, yet she left. 

After the dumper breaks up with the dumpees, they immediately change into a new person and thanks the dumpees for "teaching them a huge lesson that changed their whole life forever".  

Dumpers i dont get it. Why say you love that person so much and leave them? Why make promises you'll eventually break? Look I get it -- PEOPLE CAN LEAVE. YOU CANT FORCE THEM TO STAY. But honestly to leave after saying such things? Do you know how much that hurts? Do you think you did not betray them? 

[ExpatInItaly]

You sure make a lot of sweeping generalizations, OP. Some are not accurate at all. 

They might be true in your case, but not true of all dumpers, always. I'm not sure who you're trying to make your case to, but it does indeed sound like you need to vent. How long were you together, and how long ago did you break up?

[Wiseman2]

The difference is the person doing the breakup feels the pain long before the breakup, so much so that the pain of staying excedes the pain of leaving

Often this can be manifested as bickering, relationship talks and eventually silent suffering.

It's really more about differing timelines of pain.

The person leaving feels the pain before. The person left feels the pain after.

 The person leaving feels relief eventually from freeing themselves from an untenable situation.

The person left feels relief during because they've avoided conflict, everything appears calm and they seemingly can just coast along getting thier own way.

Edited January 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[stu1051]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You sure make a lot of sweeping generalizations, OP. Some are not accurate at all. 

They might be true in your case, but not true of all dumpers, always. I'm not sure who you're trying to make your case to, but it does indeed sound like you need to vent. How long were you together, and how long ago did you break up?

Well I mean reconciliations rarely happen but almost everyone agrees that second chances never happen. Or that no one should count on it. No one really calls these generalizations when someone hopes for a second chance. 

honestly i read a lot from the dumper's perspective and talked to people who have the same experiences and it's almost all the same that dumpers dont usually regret leaving and move on way faster and easier, and dont usually feel the pain at all. Maybe they do at first, but eventually they become happy and dont care anymore. It's like we dont exist to them anymore. Or we never even existed.

Or maybe it's just me. Really, after her saying those things to me, how would she think that I dont feel betrayed at all? Do you know what she would always tell me before? She would tell me she was afraid to lose me, she was scared of people leaving her and even thought i would be the one to leave, and claimed she "loves me so much and doesnt know how she will continue without me", and all that. I hate it when people make promises they dont keep. I hate how they're just fine with leaving them just like that and dont feel anything at all. Everyone praises them for being so great and encourages them to become stronger.

And she had the audacity to send me gifts and hoped that "it made me smile at least a bit." Seriously? After leaving me? 

 

I dont know how im going to survive this. At one point im fine and doing better and happy, then boom another relapse and im back to being angry again. Back to square one all over again.

[stu1051]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The difference is the person doing the breakup feels the pain long before the breakup, so much so that the pain of staying excedes the pain of leaving

Often this can be manifested as bickering, relationship talks and eventually silent suffering.

It's really more about differing timelines of pain.

The person leaving feels the pain before. The person left feels the pain after.

 The person leaving feels relief eventually from freeing themselves from an untenable situation.

The person left feels relief during because they've avoided conflict, everything appears calm and they seemingly can just coast along getting thier own way.

She did mention a lot that she took out all her frustrations on us a few days before the breakup.

Wow so the whole time we're lied to and were completely unaware of how theyre feeling instead of them being upfront about it? Nice

[d0nnivain]

You are hurt & upset which is understandable.  You were trying & got blindsided.  It happens.

Here's the thing you can't see.  Your EX may have little to no remorse about this break up but most people do get hurt by the end of a relationship even when they are the ones who pulled the trigger & ended things.  Most people do still care on a basic level about the other person & do not enjoy causing them pain.  They end a relationship for good reasons. 

Here you need to change your perspective.  From where I sit you dodged a bullet.  Anybody who doesn't communicate their wants / needs to you, but gets upset because you are supposed to "just know" what they want is somebody to be avoided.  They are a bad partner.  If the expectation is that you should read their minds, stop playing that game immediately.   In addition it seems like you gave & gave but got little to nothing in return.

Her getting out of your life now opens the door to you finding a kind loving GF who can communicate.  Happy hunting! 

[Ellener]

39 minutes ago, stu1051 said:

Wow so the whole time we're lied to and were completely unaware of how theyre feeling instead of them being upfront about it? Nice

In the timeline the person ending things has already rationalised what needs to happen from their perspective, and some people take pleasure from feeling like they came out on top I guess.

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Her getting out of your life now opens the door to you finding a kind loving GF who can communicate.  Happy hunting! 

Exactly.

 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, stu1051 said:

Like I'm just one of those people in her life who are stages in which they will learn so much and change as a person after breaking their heart. 

That is unfortunately how it tends to work.

[stu1051]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is unfortunately how it tends to work.

Nice to know that I've been used and they get the advantage in this. They get all the benefits in this while I have to go through this stupid moving on process. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, stu1051 said:

Nice to know that I've been used and they get the advantage in this. They get all the benefits in this while I have to go through this stupid moving on process. 

You also get the benefit of learning from this too.

[Gaeta]

What you're going through is normal and it will pass. I am 1 month out of a 5 year relationship, I've discovered a few weeks ago that he cheated on me multiple times and probably since beginning. I am filled with rage  and I have to talk myself out of busting his tires and painting a d&ck on the side of his car, but I won't do it because I know these feelings of rage, unfairness, betrayal, it's all temporary and it will pass, so will your anger. You don't see it now but there is a life lesson for us to learn in each of our heartbreak. 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's clear you're hurt and angry. I get it. Both sides have their grievances. I think it's healthy to express that. But don't get stuck there. Let it out and let it go.

I broke up with someone 7 months ago (my, how time flies), and even though I was the dumper, I went through a lot of heartache, sadness, grief, guilt, and other tough feelings as a result.

Like you, my ex tried to adapt to my needs and wants, and he did to some extent. I also tried to learn to tolerate and compromise on our differences. But it seems neither of us was able to change enough to keep the peace. It's not necessarily his fault or mine - just not the right fit. I realized it would be better to let ourselves out of this bind than keep arguing and causing each other stress and pain.

Breakups are hard for both people. But time helps. Just don't let the bitterness fester. I think men tend to hang onto the bad feelings and never really vent them out and get over them. And then that only compromises the next relationship. So don't do that.

[Marc878]

Incompatibility just means an end to something that wasn’t going to last anyway.

May hurt upfront but long term you’re better off. Most don’t see this until later.

[dramafreezone]

You need some tough love right now dude. 

Honestly you seem very self centered and I can see what turned her off.  You bought her gifts?  You gave her affection? You changed for her? A relationship is not transactional.  You seem to think as if she owes you in some way because you bribed her with gifts.  Those are things that should be done out of the kindness of your heart, not because you expect them to be reciprocated or expect some loyalty.  You should change because it's the best thing for you, not because she wanted it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop acting like the victim.  Accept that you were acting weak in this relationship and take it as a learning experience.

[SMoore]

Definitely see it as a learning curve.

People say ‘I love you’ but don’t, or aren’t sure, or kind of do right now but suspect they won’t for long, and so on.  So you can’t invest too much in what people say.   The trap is believing that when you are agreeing about something you both mean the same thing.  Especially ‘I love you.’  That sets up false expectations.  So at the end when she’s saying ‘I love you’ but she’s also planning to step away, but just waiting for the right moment, you’re speaking different languages.  Only you don’t know it.  That’s the first thing.

Also - this is obviously a generalisation but holds true for many - women tend to be better at moving on.  Biologically they are the selectors, they need to find the best mate to provide for them and children, they need to find protection when their man is killed in the hunt etc.  Men have evolved to treasure and protect their women and children.  That is paramount to the man.  This can perhaps sometimes explain why men suffer for longer in this sort of situation.  It doesn’t feel fair or right, but it’s not usually personal, in the sense that this seems to be the nature of things.  We have prehistoric programming in a modern age, and for men in particular it sucks.

So next time, try and think more about what makes men and women tick.  You might be better prepared and have an easier time of things.

And don’t assume you both mean the same thing by the word ‘love’!

[stu1051]

6 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

You need some tough love right now dude. 

Honestly you seem very self centered and I can see what turned her off.  You bought her gifts?  You gave her affection? You changed for her? A relationship is not transactional.  You seem to think as if she owes you in some way because you bribed her with gifts.  Those are things that should be done out of the kindness of your heart, not because you expect them to be reciprocated or expect some loyalty.  You should change because it's the best thing for you, not because she wanted it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop acting like the victim.  Accept that you were acting weak in this relationship and take it as a learning experience.

The reason why I did those was because I need to fulfill her needs. One of her main love languages is gift giving. I did not bribe her -- it's her love language. I didn't know that at first and she didn't tell me. So how was I supposed to know what she needed or wanted if she didn't tell that to me? I was willing to change and I did. I'm also not a very talkative person, but she wanted me to step out of my comfort zone and try to initiate and engage in conversations as well. I also don't talk to a lot of people. So I had to step out of my comfort zone and try to engage more. And I did. It was a lot of work but I managed to put effort into compromising and fulfilling her needs. Was she proud that I put more effort? Yes she was. 

And I didn't say she owed me anything. But I did a lot for her. I never asked her to change. I was so patient with her. She hated me for being too patient. She would always think she was worthless because she thought she wasn't enough and i ALWAYS reassured her that she was enough. 

And it wasn't entirely bad that I changed these things. Maybe I do need to learn to talk more. Maybe I need to learn to be considerate to my partner. So it's fine. One of her main love languages as well was physical touch. So yes of course I had to give her affection. It's what makes her feel loved. I did so much work to improve as a partner and not once did I ever ask her to change. 

If i never changed my ways, we would have more and more arguments. I put the effort into compromising and doing what needed to be done for my partner. 

Edited January 13, 2021 by stu1051

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no guarantee in romance. Yes, people can change and get dumped. Happens all the time. And happens for good reason. Sometimes couples can't quite identify the problem, so one blames the other and says the other must change. Well the other changes or tries to change and things are still not good.

Happens all the time. 

You are treating romance as if it's a transaction at Walmart. She owes you no loyalty based on you being nice. None! That's not romance. You did not owe her any of the work you put in to change or to please her. None. You didn't owe her any of that. So you CHOSE to try to change. You have to own that. Lots of folks do dumb stuff in relationship to try to please our partner. We learn the hard way that the better way to go is to find a partner who likes us pretty much as we are. 

Now, I will say if you're not talking, that's NOT going to go over well with many women. And I'm sorry, you are expected to know that people want their partner to openly communicate. What rock have you been living under? Everyone wants a good communicator. People can't relax if the other person doesn't talk and let their partner know how they feel. You can't figure out what your partner wants or needs or the partner's long-term goals or ambitions or values or sense of humor or musical taste or favorite movies or family history or previous romance or anything--if the other partner isn't talking. I don't mean to be harsh. But this isn't 1950. Men these days are expected to talk and share themselves. That's widely understood. 

Heck I'm a teacher, and for the past ten years the education experts are shouting, "share some honest stories with your students. Share about your own intellectual struggles. Share with them where you had problems learning something.  That's huge. It's also in the workplace. Google issues a set of manager rules a few years back. One of the rules was to get to know the personal lives and interests of your subordinates. Find out what they do on the weekend, what they do for fun. 

Sounds like you can work on your social skills and your social interaction. You're missing some key skills in understanding how to interact with people. You can learn these for sure, and in the long run this disappointment will do you good, because frankly, this was gonna happen. It was inevitable if you didn't realize that people want partners to talk these days. Talking is the only way we can be intimate emotionally. People do not feel safe if their partner is not sharing. 

This can be a great learning experience, but focus on your social skills. You've got some gaps that are hindering you. 

 

 

[stu1051]

19 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

There is no guarantee in romance. Yes, people can change and get dumped. Happens all the time. And happens for good reason. Sometimes couples can't quite identify the problem, so one blames the other and says the other must change. Well the other changes or tries to change and things are still not good.

Happens all the time. 

You are treating romance as if it's a transaction at Walmart. She owes you no loyalty based on you being nice. None! That's not romance. You did not owe her any of the work you put in to change or to please her. None. You didn't owe her any of that. So you CHOSE to try to change. You have to own that. Lots of folks do dumb stuff in relationship to try to please our partner. We learn the hard way that the better way to go is to find a partner who likes us pretty much as we are. 

Now, I will say if you're not talking, that's NOT going to go over well with many women. And I'm sorry, you are expected to know that people want their partner to openly communicate. What rock have you been living under? Everyone wants a good communicator. People can't relax if the other person doesn't talk and let their partner know how they feel. You can't figure out what your partner wants or needs or the partner's long-term goals or ambitions or values or sense of humor or musical taste or favorite movies or family history or previous romance or anything--if the other partner isn't talking. I don't mean to be harsh. But this isn't 1950. Men these days are expected to talk and share themselves. That's widely understood. 

Heck I'm a teacher, and for the past ten years the education experts are shouting, "share some honest stories with your students. Share about your own intellectual struggles. Share with them where you had problems learning something.  That's huge. It's also in the workplace. Google issues a set of manager rules a few years back. One of the rules was to get to know the personal lives and interests of your subordinates. Find out what they do on the weekend, what they do for fun. 

Sounds like you can work on your social skills and your social interaction. You're missing some key skills in understanding how to interact with people. You can learn these for sure, and in the long run this disappointment will do you good, because frankly, this was gonna happen. It was inevitable if you didn't realize that people want partners to talk these days. Talking is the only way we can be intimate emotionally. People do not feel safe if their partner is not sharing. 

This can be a great learning experience, but focus on your social skills. You've got some gaps that are hindering you. 

 

 

I'm sorry  i wasnt able to do that in the first place. I'm extremely introverted and really dont talk a lot and she even knew that from the beginning. I struggled with trying to keep the conversation going but at least i put effort into getting out of my comfort zone right? We never had that conversation problem again after those first beginning stages in the relationship because I worked on it. And she even stated that she liked me for who i was and didnt want me to change and then became extremely annoyed for not being the person she wanted me to be. This was in the first start of the relationship. It was my first relationship and of course I didnt know how to work things with another person. 

And she's at fault here too. She never communicated her needs in the beginning and expected me to "just know" immediately. She also struggled and didn't want to open up to me about her feelings at all. So what she would do was keep her problems in, lash out on me, and take out her frustrations on me. 

 

[stu1051]

I know that people aren't obligated to stay and no one owes me anything. I understand that I'm the bad person in this relationship. I don't know why I'm being selfish thinking that she betrayed me but i cant help but feel this way. I know people never keep their promises and dont really mean things they say. But i cant help but feel so much pain after they said all those things to me. I feel lied to. I feel betrayed even though i have no right to feel this way. Even before, I already knew that people arent obligated to stay, yet here i am having this mindset and these thoughts. I cant help it. I feel genuinely hurt. I know the breakup is my fault and that I made so many mistakes, and I was never the perfect partner. I do hate myself for not being able to communicate properly. I'm sorry for coming off as selfish and needy. I dont know what to do. Even if i know im the wrong one here, the thoughts in my head are still telling me that I've been lied to and betrayed. I'm struggling to forgive myself and I just want to move on but i dont know how. No matter how much progress I make, I'll always end up back here. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure you did the best you could. We're all works in progress, always learning and, if we want to, improving. There's no shame in talking to friends, family, a counselor, a pastor about how you're feeling. There's a lot of free counseling right now during these tough times. 

It's good to consider your mistakes and how you can do better in the future, but don't beat yourself up about it. 

[trident_2020]

She invested the same amount of time and similar amount of effort in the relationship that you did.

You're not the only one who lost.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, you're experiencing the bitterness of misreading your partner. And you may have bitterness because she didn't tell you how unhappy she was and her dumping you came out of the blue. 

I once got dumped by a woman I was working so hard to be patient with. I thought she was just shy in relationships. And I worked so hard to be patient. Well, turned out, she wasn't all that into me. When she dumped me I was shocked. But once I got through the pain, even in the middle of the pain, that experience was really a breakthrough for me. I realized that she was hesitant and distant all the way through the relationship and I had simply ignored that. We were not a good fit, I just didn't realize that. I learned that I needed to pay attention. This woman had sent pretty clear signals all along (though she wasn't talking these out)--I was just not paying attention to her signals. 

This misunderstanding happens all the time in relationships and yes, sounds like your gf was not a good communicator either. Now, if you allow yourself, you can see the downside of not being an open communicator. People dump someone and their partner is completely confused because the dumper didn't tell their partner what they were thinking all along.

It's actually YOUR job to notice that someone is hesitant. It's hard to do that in a first relationship, so don't beat yourself up. But communication is essential for exactly the reason you're in pain--because she shocked you.  You can let yourself be angry for a bit. The best path, though, is to go back into your memory and figure out what you could have done differently. Everything from making the relationship better to noticing early on that your gf was distant. 

[neowulf]

Having been through a lot of breakups in my life, I've developed more of a "live and let live" approach.

No one forced you to be in this relationship.

No one forced you to change, or compromise.  You aren't required to do things just to make another person happy.  Those are choices we make.

I see it lot in people and it makes me sad.  Relationships are not math.

You can't say "If I do X and Y, things will work out, my partner will love me and we'll be happy!".

People are messy.  Life is messy.  Life is unfair.  

Really, this is super important to internalise and accept.

Life. Is. Unfair.

Let go of the idea that if you do everything right, things will automatically work out.  That's not how the world works and it's destructive to think that way.

Accept that in the end, you'll do your best.  You'll try to be a good partner.  You'll try and learn from your mistakes.  You'll try to respect your own boundaries next time.

Focus on growth my friend.  You'll be happier for it.

I know you're in pain right now, but when the dust settles, ask yourself "What's the worst thing my partner did to me?". 

If the answer is "left me", then my friend, you got off easy.

Edited January 13, 2021 by neowulf

[stu1051]

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, you're experiencing the bitterness of misreading your partner. And you may have bitterness because she didn't tell you how unhappy she was and her dumping you came out of the blue. 

I once got dumped by a woman I was working so hard to be patient with. I thought she was just shy in relationships. And I worked so hard to be patient. Well, turned out, she wasn't all that into me. When she dumped me I was shocked. But once I got through the pain, even in the middle of the pain, that experience was really a breakthrough for me. I realized that she was hesitant and distant all the way through the relationship and I had simply ignored that. We were not a good fit, I just didn't realize that. I learned that I needed to pay attention. This woman had sent pretty clear signals all along (though she wasn't talking these out)--I was just not paying attention to her signals. 

This misunderstanding happens all the time in relationships and yes, sounds like your gf was not a good communicator either. Now, if you allow yourself, you can see the downside of not being an open communicator. People dump someone and their partner is completely confused because the dumper didn't tell their partner what they were thinking all along.

It's actually YOUR job to notice that someone is hesitant. It's hard to do that in a first relationship, so don't beat yourself up. But communication is essential for exactly the reason you're in pain--because she shocked you.  You can let yourself be angry for a bit. The best path, though, is to go back into your memory and figure out what you could have done differently. Everything from making the relationship better to noticing early on that your gf was distant. 

I actually did, a lot. I told her many times that we could be incompatible but she always insisted to keep going. I knew the incompatibilities already, but she kept ignoring that and still wanted to keep going. And she never opened up whenever she was distant and i always asked her if she was okay, and that I'm here if she needed to talk. Instead she just lashed out on me. She also kept telling me that she could handle her problems on her own, so she never talked to me properly. 

Why didnt i end it then? I didnt have the courage to do so. And yes, me being stupid and immature, i had to keep my promise of not leaving her because she has a history of people who she once cared for leaving her and she was always afraid people would leave her (the tables have turned now). So i didnt want to be one of those people. I wanted to stay despite everything. 

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you feel you overinvested and that tends to sting more. Is that true?

Did you put more of yourself into this than you should have?