Dumpers do not feel pain

[stu1051]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you feel you overinvested and that tends to sting more. Is that true?

Did you put more of yourself into this than you should have?

I never really thought about it. Maybe I did? 

[DKT3]

I dont believe that someone is lying or had necessarily been dishonest about how they felt during the relationship.  Breakups can happen despite having actually meant everything that was said at the time.

If I'm honest,  your relationship sounds extremely toxic.  The congratulations that your ex got could have been because those people saw that she made the decision even thou she did feel all the things for you she said.

I have a feeling that down the road, when you've met a better match you will feel blessed that this relationship failed.

[assertives]

I wouldn't go as far to say you are the bad person in the relationship. You guys were incompatible, and that's ok. I wouldn't harp on stuff like "she knew what I was like in the beginning" or that "she insisted on progressing things when I told her we are not compatible". 

2 hours ago, stu1051 said:

I told her many times that we could be incompatible but she always insisted to keep going. I knew the incompatibilities already, but she kept ignoring that and still wanted to keep going.

Sometimes in life, people feel if they never tried, they'll never know. She has to take responsibility for that decision, and she decided not to continue. You on the other hand would also need to take responsibility for your part in it. You could have decided to not proceed, but ultimately decided to give it a shot as well despite knowing already that you guys are not compatible.

Also, when she said "you should know" I kinda get where she's coming from to some extent. I don't think it was necessarily expecting you to read her mind, but more like after spending some time in an intimate relationship with someone, you kinda know them, their likes, dislikes, their idiosyncrasies. You've often heard people say "that's not like him/her", or "it's unlike him/her" to say or do something like this, etc etc. You learn to "read" your partner or people you are close to, and this happens not just in intimate relationships but also in your interpersonal relationships. 

Dating is a try out, to see if you are compatible in the long run to be life partners. You live and you learn and as much as you feel you were a "stepping stone" for her character development, she also was one too for yours and frankly, if you think about it, everyone we meet in life, will to some extent be "stepping stones" to mould us into who we will be in different stages in our lives. There's no need to feel bitter about it, instead try embracing it. Sometimes, it is through others that we learn who we are or could be.

[maggiemtn]

Getting dumped sucks. But it happens and while it’s natural to feel angry and betrayed, if the reason is simply incompatibility, the anger and betrayal should fade with time. 
 

If you feel compelled to tell your partner “many times” you’re incompatible, then it’s time to look inside yourself and realize that’s all it is. There’s no one to blame. 
 

As a side note, I feel social media plays a huge part in this race to see “who comes out on top” in a breakup, who looks happier, etc. etc. When I got dumped a month ago, one of my thoughts was “What will (neighbors, extended family, mutual friends, random people I don’t really have a relationship with but somehow made it to my FB page) think?” The first thing I did when we broke up was delete all my social media. I had thought about doing it as a New Years resolution but it just got sped up by a month. It’s really, really helped me focus on what’s real and be in the current moment and not worry about optics. Just something that’s helped me that I thought I’d pass along. 

[Caauug]

Here is what you are looking for: "She did you wrong"....

Rejection hurts, sorry you are feeling it. This is a good time to learn what went wrong and what you could do the next relationship. Failure to learn from your mistakes will only allow history to repeat it's self.

18 hours ago, stu1051 said:

One problem we had was when I didn't fulfill her needs the first time (initiating/engaging in conversations, gift-giving, etc.) so that lead to fights because I didn't know! I told her how would I know if she didn't tell me? She said she just wanted her partner to "just know" without them telling what it is.

That is a crap test. She is testing your frame, you failed by arguing/fighting.... You showed you were weak by moving into her frame with an unwinnable situation. Don't go there again, ever.

 

17 hours ago, stu1051 said:

Really, after her saying those things to me, how would she think that I dont feel betrayed at all? Do you know what she would always tell me before? She would tell me she was afraid to lose me, she was scared of people leaving her and even thought i would be the one to leave, and claimed she "loves me so much and doesnt know how she will continue without me", and all that.

Talk is cheap. She can say what ever she wants to rope you in. Look at her actions first. Listen less. 

 

18 hours ago, stu1051 said:

She is a hypocrite -- she's so scared of losing people and people leaving her, yet she left. 

Yes, get over it!!! It was just your turn, now your turn is over. 

18 hours ago, stu1051 said:

i changed  A LOT to fulfill her needs.

This was where you went wrong. She will see this as she changed you, this makes you weak in her eyes. It is best to change yourself for yourself, not for anyone else. You have made progress with your changes, keep up the good work but do it for yourself now!!! She is gone and it will be her loss on the changes you make to better yourself from here on in. Do you see my point? Time to get in your best physical shape as you can, this will also help with your mental state also. Hit the gym if you can, or just do resistance training at home if you can't get out.

Remember women love different than men do, we fall in love for different reasons. She wanted someone that was strong and could help lead her. She did not want someone that was weak that she had to play mother too, she will only want to do that for her children, not her partner. In a way she has done you a favour, she has shown you your weakness's and where you need to improve, spend the time working on those areas.

I suggest looking up about "Good guys finish last" as I think you fall into that category, a lot of articles can be found on the subject. 

No one likes to be dumped, rejection hurts, mourn the loss of the relationship, but don't let it control your life. Remember the most important person in your life and look after him first, that is YOU!!! Eat healthy, and exercise. Be the best you can be, before looking for anyone else. No one wants a broken person for a life partner.

 

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, stu1051 said:

Dumpers i dont get it. Why say you love that person so much and leave them? Why make promises you'll eventually break? Look I get it -- PEOPLE CAN LEAVE. YOU CANT FORCE THEM TO STAY. But honestly to leave after saying such things? Do you know how much that hurts? Do you think you did not betray them? 

Many people make promises they can't keep because they're naively idealistic/optimistic. They don't yet realize that they don't have control over how everything will turn out, even their own feelings. And so life happens, things change, and breaking the promise ends up being the healthiest thing to do for everyone concerned.

I think being able to break a promise is often a positive. Rigidly holding on to a promise you made or the other person made can do a lot of damage. I am speaking from personal experience. I made a promise to stand by someone and support him. And then the relationship turned abusive. The one thing that prevented me from walking away was my commitment to keep the promise I'd made.  Big mistake. 

I'm not saying your experience is the same as mine. Just that rigidity is not ideal. It's important to be able to be flexible and to adapt to different situations and to make the best decision for a particular context.

Let's assume she's completely to blame for what went wrong between you. Let's say you were the perfect boyfriend and she just got bored. In that situation, is it okay that she broke her promise to you? Yes, it is. Because you really don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who's bored. They'll treat you like crap, maybe even ultimately cheat on you. At the end of the day, breaking up with you is far kinder than that.

The ultimate lesson here is that promises are BS. Avoid making them or believing them: manage your expectations. A simple statement of commitment, a yes or a no should suffice. And then time will tell you whether the other person is sincere and dependable or is simply a liar.

Another thing: I've not read all the posts in this thread. So I don't know the full story. But I got the impression you were still receiving communication from this person. If that is correct, please set everything aside right now and make a point of blocking her everywhere. The surest way to sabotage your healing from this breakup is to allow her to pop out of the woodwork whenever she wants and make very unhelpful comments.

[stu1051]

32 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Many people make promises they can't keep because they're naively idealistic/optimistic. They don't yet realize that they don't have control over how everything will turn out, even their own feelings. And so life happens, things change, and breaking the promise ends up being the healthiest thing to do for everyone concerned.

I think being able to break a promise is often a positive. Rigidly holding on to a promise you made or the other person made can do a lot of damage. I am speaking from personal experience. I made a promise to stand by someone and support him. And then the relationship turned abusive. The one thing that prevented me from walking away was my commitment to keep the promise I'd made.  Big mistake. 

I'm not saying your experience is the same as mine. Just that rigidity is not ideal. It's important to be able to be flexible and to adapt to different situations and to make the best decision for a particular context.

Let's assume she's completely to blame for what went wrong between you. Let's say you were the perfect boyfriend and she just got bored. In that situation, is it okay that she broke her promise to you? Yes, it is. Because you really don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who's bored. They'll treat you like crap, maybe even ultimately cheat on you. At the end of the day, breaking up with you is far kinder than that.

The ultimate lesson here is that promises are BS. Avoid making them or believing them: manage your expectations. A simple statement of commitment, a yes or a no should suffice. And then time will tell you whether the other person is sincere and dependable or is simply a liar.

Another thing: I've not read all the posts in this thread. So I don't know the full story. But I got the impression you were still receiving communication from this person. If that is correct, please set everything aside right now and make a point of blocking her everywhere. The surest way to sabotage your healing from this breakup is to allow her to pop out of the woodwork whenever she wants and make very unhelpful comments.

I will manage my expectations next time and try not to invest too much into anything people say. Right now I still feel angry and betrayed even though it's selfish of me to feel that way. I hate relapsing.

Interestingly enough, she had this huge fear of people leaving her and was scared that i would leave her in the future. She hated all those people who left her and even said she was used to people leaving and abandoning her. Now the situation changed lol 

I've actually been NC for a whole month and 2 weeks now. The past month, she would message me but i never initiated contact. So yeah we dont talk anymore. To make matters worse, she had to mail me the birthday and anniversary gifts she was supposed to give me before. I didnt do the same -- because I was upset and annoyed when she gave those gifts. So what more if i did do it? Why give her more reminders of me when she wanted me out of her life lol I just hide them somewhere now

Edited January 13, 2021 by stu1051

[stu1051]

2 hours ago, Caauug said:

This was where you went wrong. She will see this as she changed you, this makes you weak in her eyes. It is best to change yourself for yourself, not for anyone else.

When is change good and bad?

I mean i feel like from my perspective, i gave effort to make my partner feel loved and make relationship compromises. I didn't necessarily change my entire personality or character. And it was something i was willing to do anyway, even though it was difficult because it was outside of my comfort zone.

There are a lot of stories and problems wherein this person left the other person because they didn't make any changes or make any effort so they felt unloved and unhappy -- so the advice people give them is "if they don't change just leave them, etc."... or you know those typical things people say: "people never change"... In my case, I put a lot of effort into doing things to fulfill relationship needs and understand her love language, despite making mistakes in the beginning. And now I'm being told that I shouldn't be changing anything, and that if I'm changing things then I'm doing things wrong. 

I know that if i didnt compromise and make changes, I'd make things worse. I thought it's good to make changes and compromises in relationships? 

 

[Caauug]

4 minutes ago, stu1051 said:

When is change good and bad?

All change is good if it's for the better. It's why you change that can be bad. 

If you change for someone and that someone leaves your life (like in your case) than that change is likely not going to last and it was for nothing, even if it was a good change. If you change for your own self improvement, that same change should last. 

People will likely disagree with me on this point: In general.... Guys don't want the girls to change, but they always do. Girls want to change the guys but they seldom do. When the guy changes to how the girl wants him, her work is complete and he is no longer required.

She sees: He shows weakness by molding himself to how she wants him. Women normally gravitate to the stronger men, not weaker.

[Caauug]

27 minutes ago, stu1051 said:

i gave effort to make my partner feel loved and make relationship compromises

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but this doesn't look right.... 

Maybe use Google to look up about female attraction and have a read. 

Next point I touched on before, you listened to what your GF was saying and made changes to accommodate. Sometimes one person in the relationship says something that is not meant to be taken literary. If she is testing the strength of your frame (Crap test) and you make changes because of that it shows weakness on your part.

I suggest: If you see where you can improve and you have a plan how to achieve results, make those changes for yourself. If need be make it known to your GF (if you have one at the time) you are making changes to better yourself. (do not give her the idea the reason is her making)…. This should give you drive to keep the changes long after she has left your life and not give her the idea her work is complete. It's just psychology....

[Azincourt]

Hey man, we're just a bunch of random people without the specialized college education(psychologsy, for starters) to help you out. You seem to be in a great deal of emotional pain. We can't help you with a case that serious of emotional trauma, but doctors in the mental help healthcare department surely can.  Get that professional help and things will become much better for you in the long run.

[tart6245]

5 hours ago, Caauug said:

All change is good if it's for the better. It's why you change that can be bad. 

If you change for someone and that someone leaves your life (like in your case) than that change is likely not going to last and it was for nothing, even if it was a good change. If you change for your own self improvement, that same change should last. 

People will likely disagree with me on this point: In general.... Guys don't want the girls to change, but they always do. Girls want to change the guys but they seldom do. When the guy changes to how the girl wants him, her work is complete and he is no longer required.

She sees: He shows weakness by molding himself to how she wants him. Women normally gravitate to the stronger men, not weaker.

I see your point re: girls change and guys seldom do, but saying if guys change, the girl is no longer interested seems like a lose lose situation. I am going through a breakup *because* I didn't make improvements where my ex asked and I resisted her requests to do that. I was stubborn and continued to do or not do what she asked and did delay everything. Judging by your comments, even if I changed, she'd still leave? Interesting. Although, I did once tell her that I was in my early 30s now, and the chances I change is not likely. I am who I am. 

[JayWay]

On 1/12/2021 at 8:16 AM, stu1051 said:

Well I mean reconciliations rarely happen but almost everyone agrees that second chances never happen. Or that no one should count on it. No one really calls these generalizations when someone hopes for a second chance. 

honestly i read a lot from the dumper's perspective and talked to people who have the same experiences and it's almost all the same that dumpers dont usually regret leaving and move on way faster and easier, and dont usually feel the pain at all. Maybe they do at first, but eventually they become happy and dont care anymore. It's like we dont exist to them anymore. Or we never even existed.

Or maybe it's just me. Really, after her saying those things to me, how would she think that I dont feel betrayed at all? Do you know what she would always tell me before? She would tell me she was afraid to lose me, she was scared of people leaving her and even thought i would be the one to leave, and claimed she "loves me so much and doesnt know how she will continue without me", and all that. I hate it when people make promises they dont keep. I hate how they're just fine with leaving them just like that and dont feel anything at all. Everyone praises them for being so great and encourages them to become stronger.

And she had the audacity to send me gifts and hoped that "it made me smile at least a bit." Seriously? After leaving me? 

 

I dont know how im going to survive this. At one point im fine and doing better and happy, then boom another relapse and im back to being angry again. Back to square one all over again.

We’ll said.  Feeling like never existed is brutal.  My ex wife did that to me. It made some sense.  We drifted apart.  I’ve never had relationship where I was deleted so easily as my most recent dumping. She dumped me 4 days before Christmas.  I’m still struggling. We were together few months,  not super long. We fell hard fast. She told me so many promises that I beleieved with everything in me. I am sick of hearing people say “people break promises, get over it” - to those people - shut up!  Sadly, I kinda want it to happen to them. Very easy to say when not in middle of it though.  When a woman tells a man how’s his she’s never felt this way, it’s crazy how much she’s fallen for me, she’s in this for long haul and knows it will get hard with kids involved, and how I’m like her dream and she’s so thankful happy we met and are together. I’m sorry, you hear that daily for couple months or even couple weeks - it has massive impact.  I trust that person. Trust her words and actions at that time. Nobody sits there and feels or thinks “meh, she doesn’t mean it, she’ll eventually dump me so who cares”.  Nobody does.  Stupid logic if so.  This has been harder than my divorce or any other relationship.  Mainly because I dropped guards and trusted her because I wanted too, but also because she asked me to be vulnerable with her, she’s not going anywhere “baby”, this is something special and rare.  Yes, I feel wickedly used and played.  And it’s sicker and more hurtful because it involved my son and her. And she knows that. Because she has kids of her own.  Yes, people can change minds. But, not that quick and suddenly and having zero remorse or empathy when she’s blindsiding dumping me.  

[JayWay]

12 hours ago, stu1051 said:

I never really thought about it. Maybe I did? 

If you did it’s becuase it was reciprocated. At least my situation.  I’m sorry, it’s false thinking when having trust and faith in other persons feelings that they don’t really mean it.  When she looks into my eyes daily and shares how special this is, I nor would anybody else feel “I’m way more invested, sheesh, that’s a big problem in this relationship”.  No!   It’s mutual. That’s why it’s depressing as hell and heartbreaking as hell when sudden and given crap reasons.  “It’s not forever, if we meant to be we will be, don’t disappear, we are going to talk, I need to make sure I can handle juggle us jobs kids, let’s not make this harder than it is “. Really????   Really????   My bad, let’s have toast to smashing heart into pieces at Christmas time let alone, and I’m so glad I opened home to her when she was in a jam living situation wise. Complete garbage.  I know my faults. Hell, I’ve blamed myself for her doing this.  She lies to me right off bat that her divorce is final when it wasn’t. She apologized after few days when I found out and she explained she was scared and embarrassed and didn’t want to hurt us because she felt something instantly so strong. I forgave her and understand people have struggles at times.  So when people say “you should have walked away right there, it’s your fault you didn’t, that’s huge red flag, don’t blame her” - I don’t blame her!  I try to understand how in world she’s deleted me like nothing ever happened between us.  Save the “you are more invested than she is”. Again, I was (am) based on what I wanted and what she told me. That’s normal for anybody in relationship to trust and believe.  

[JayWay]

3 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Hey man, we're just a bunch of random people without the specialized college education(psychologsy, for starters) to help you out. You seem to be in a great deal of emotional pain. We can't help you with a case that serious of emotional trauma, but doctors in the mental help healthcare department surely can.  Get that professional help and things will become much better for you in the long run.

He’s venting.  I don’t know if he is, but I’m in therapy in similar position has him. No, therapy doesn’t erase instantly the trauma.  When venting we are trying to make sense (even though we can’t) and hear feedback so we don’t say something stupid to other person. For example, I broke NC other night because I was dying inside.  I miss her a lot and in my gut I felt “forget NC, I want her to know I miss her, I have a son, and know what I want, etc”. So, I broke NC.  Sure, I wished she said same back instead of “I appreciate you, just need time”.  Point is, he’s venting. I’m venting here. It’s better than me messaging her how torn up I am.  I think.  

[tart6245]

9 hours ago, Caauug said:

[deleted commercial links]

I have heard others say what you said before - but I've never seen that actually happen in real life. In fact, all of the things those websites say never seem to work in practice. I've seen more couples reunite not going no contact than going no contact - however I know NC is to heal yourself, not to bring back an ex. Some married couples I know ended up getting back with their partner by writing a long letter expressing their feelings and it worked. I'm not advocating people here do that, but one size does not fit all. 

Whatever changes I made post breakup will be for myself and myself only. I don't know what the future holds for me or my ex, but I know it will make me a better person for the next relationship. I won't be changing to satisfy someone who is no longer with me. But if I let those problems persist, it could affect the next relationship I enter. 

Edited January 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted quoted post

[JayWay]

5 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

I have heard others say what you said before - but I've never seen that actually happen in real life. In fact, all of the things those websites say never seem to work in practice. I've seen more couples reunite not going no contact than going no contact - however I know NC is to heal yourself, not to bring back an ex. Some married couples I know ended up getting back with their partner by writing a long letter expressing their feelings and it worked. I'm not advocating people here do that, but one size does not fit all. 

Whatever changes I made post breakup will be for myself and myself only. I don't know what the future holds for me or my ex, but I know it will make me a better person for the next relationship. I won't be changing to satisfy someone who is no longer with me. But if I let those problems persist, it could affect the next relationship I enter. 

Well said.  Agree. I don’t do NC so she comes back begging.  I do it so I can heal and yes, so maybe she can heal.  But, people I know that have got back together, more often than not, do it based off not doing NC.  Maybe they let few days by and then profess to other person they want them etc.  Such as my case, she’s very stubborn. Not saying that’s right or wrong. But, she’s type that does say “you want me come get me, chase me”.  Maybe that’s immature.  Every case different.  I just know I want her and I together no matter how slow or fast relationship pace takes and how hard it might get, and she doesn’t currently.  Which, sucks!   Because day prior to this she did.  And I want her to know I do feel used and played by her.  And, it’s not ok treating people that way.  I have never felt pain like this.  It sucks. And yes,  I’ll admit part of me does NC because I pray she realizes she made mistake.  Maybe that’s wrong of me. But it’s how I feel now.  

[tart6245]

13 minutes ago, JayWay said:

Well said.  Agree. I don’t do NC so she comes back begging.  I do it so I can heal and yes, so maybe she can heal.  But, people I know that have got back together, more often than not, do it based off not doing NC.  Maybe they let few days by and then profess to other person they want them etc.  Such as my case, she’s very stubborn. Not saying that’s right or wrong. But, she’s type that does say “you want me come get me, chase me”.  Maybe that’s immature.  Every case different.  I just know I want her and I together no matter how slow or fast relationship pace takes and how hard it might get, and she doesn’t currently.  Which, sucks!   Because day prior to this she did.  And I want her to know I do feel used and played by her.  And, it’s not ok treating people that way.  I have never felt pain like this.  It sucks. And yes,  I’ll admit part of me does NC because I pray she realizes she made mistake.  Maybe that’s wrong of me. But it’s how I feel now.  

NC works because continued contact with someone means you'll never heal and never move forward even if your partner does. It's like people who try to stay friends with their ex - what's the point? Would you be happy seeing them dating others while you played their friend? No. 

Writing the person can work under some circumstances, perhaps if your ex misses you and has second thoughts, and you are able to catch them at the right time and they cave, but it really depends on luck and not much else. If they realize they are happier in their life without you in it, they won't have any interest in going back. And even if you get back together with someone, you have to know it's a new relationship. I've only taken an ex back once, and it lasted a month because nothing had changed and we fell back into the same old bad routine. 

[flitzanu]

sweeping generalizations aside, what you should be realizing is that "dumpers do not EXPRESS THAT they feel pain" because they want to stand firm in their decisions, otherwise they become fickle and do the whole makeup breakup thing.

[JayWay]

44 minutes ago, tarheelian said:

NC works because continued contact with someone means you'll never heal and never move forward even if your partner does. It's like people who try to stay friends with their ex - what's the point? Would you be happy seeing them dating others while you played their friend? No. 

Writing the person can work under some circumstances, perhaps if your ex misses you and has second thoughts, and you are able to catch them at the right time and they cave, but it really depends on luck and not much else. If they realize they are happier in their life without you in it, they won't have any interest in going back. And even if you get back together with someone, you have to know it's a new relationship. I've only taken an ex back once, and it lasted a month because nothing had changed and we fell back into the same old bad routine. 

Agree that no, nobody wants to be standby watching them date.  Yes, it’s to help heal.  But honestly, when NC is not really helping yourself heal and it feels very strong to want to reach out to let person know you miss them and truly want things to work - then that’s where I struggle about NC.  Absence makes heart grow fonder, but so does presence.  So does assurance, so does “mutual type begging”, so does sharing, so does being vulnerable.  Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe that’s my issue.  But, I feel she wants me to chase her, and I’m ok with that.  It can go the other way too.  There’s every reason to feel “hey, he hasn’t reached out to me, he’s telling me to give back few things then he’s obviously done even though I dumped him”.  That’s fair.  I guess that’s where more hurt comes from though. When I message her and tell her “I miss us, and here for you”.  If that annoys her, then so be it.  Those are 7 words that have real meaning.  If it annoys the other person, then maybe that other person should develop some empathy and understanding that the person saying it is hurting and other person is some of that cause.  If I dumped her, and she reached out saying what I said - I’d let her know I understand that it sucks, no false hope, I wish I could take her pain, I’m always here to talk just unfortunate I don’t want us together so for her best maybe not hearing from me can help her heal”.  I’ve been on that side before.  I guess this break up has destroyed me way more than ever imagined and selfishly can’t grasp how she’s not hurting.  She hates conflict and is avoidant mainly, but good grief, her ACTIONS be it at that time, and her words screamed “I’m in this for long run, I’ve fallen so hard for you”.  Then, nothing. Gone. Like I “disappeared”.  Strange, since she was adamant the “night of”, for me not to “disappear”.  

[tart6245]

14 minutes ago, JayWay said:

Agree that no, nobody wants to be standby watching them date.  Yes, it’s to help heal.  But honestly, when NC is not really helping yourself heal and it feels very strong to want to reach out to let person know you miss them and truly want things to work - then that’s where I struggle about NC.  Absence makes heart grow fonder, but so does presence.  So does assurance, so does “mutual type begging”, so does sharing, so does being vulnerable.  Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe that’s my issue.  But, I feel she wants me to chase her, and I’m ok with that.  It can go the other way too.  There’s every reason to feel “hey, he hasn’t reached out to me, he’s telling me to give back few things then he’s obviously done even though I dumped him”.  That’s fair.  I guess that’s where more hurt comes from though. When I message her and tell her “I miss us, and here for you”.  If that annoys her, then so be it.  Those are 7 words that have real meaning.  If it annoys the other person, then maybe that other person should develop some empathy and understanding that the person saying it is hurting and other person is some of that cause.  If I dumped her, and she reached out saying what I said - I’d let her know I understand that it sucks, no false hope, I wish I could take her pain, I’m always here to talk just unfortunate I don’t want us together so for her best maybe not hearing from me can help her heal”.  I’ve been on that side before.  I guess this break up has destroyed me way more than ever imagined and selfishly can’t grasp how she’s not hurting.  She hates conflict and is avoidant mainly, but good grief, her ACTIONS be it at that time, and her words screamed “I’m in this for long run, I’ve fallen so hard for you”.  Then, nothing. Gone. Like I “disappeared”.  Strange, since she was adamant the “night of”, for me not to “disappear”.  

Completely disappearing forces them to realize what life is like without you. If you continue to beg or talk to them, even if they don't like it, it is still feeding their need to hear from you. If you go away completely, they suddenly have to quit you cold turkey, which can be very difficult, and why a break can end up getting people back together, especially when they truly start to feel your absence. You telling her you miss her and are there for her are things she already knows. She dumped you, after all, she knows it isn't your decision. And the truth is, you should not always be there for her. She rejected you so you need to focus your energy on being there for yourself so in the future, you can be there for someone else. Don't waste energy on someone who doesn't want you in their life. 

It isn't as if she has no empathy. Even when you dump someone, you feel awful for it, but you also want time and not to hear from them so you can also heal. I've been on both ends of a breakup. It sucks either way. But NC and time helps you heal and move on, and one day you'll wake up and not feel the urge to text her or even think about her. The more you reach out or beg or whatever, the more it delays both of you from moving on. My ex is the same way in that she's nonconfrontational, shy and I could never imagine her contacting me even if she wanted to, because she'd be afraid I was still upset or now angry at her. She also told me she wanted us to remain friendly "if we see each other out we can talk." So I use that to justify contacting her at some point. But, I probably never will. I know in my mind, it won't go as I want, and her negative or non-response will just hurt me even more. 

Edited January 13, 2021 by tarheelian

[mark clemson]

Change, don't change. I see it as (typically): 

"Women don't want a nice guy, they want an alpha who learns to be nice to them."   - from A Billion Wicked Thoughts

[stu1051]

10 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Hey man, we're just a bunch of random people without the specialized college education(psychologsy, for starters) to help you out. You seem to be in a great deal of emotional pain. We can't help you with a case that serious of emotional trauma, but doctors in the mental help healthcare department surely can.  Get that professional help and things will become much better for you in the long run.

6 hours ago, JayWay said:

He’s venting.  I don’t know if he is, but I’m in therapy in similar position has him. No, therapy doesn’t erase instantly the trauma.  When venting we are trying to make sense (even though we can’t) and hear feedback so we don’t say something stupid to other person. 

Yep sorry I know I just needed to vent and get some perspective on this. I wish I did get counseling or therapy thought but I can't really afford that at the moment, especially with the whole pandemic. It did help that I got to read the replies here... I think I relapsed when I wrote my first few posts here so I wasn't really thinking straight and I was just really angry about the whole thing. I'm giving myself more time to think about the whole situation and understanding the advice i've been given here

 

[stu1051]

7 hours ago, JayWay said:

We’ll said.  Feeling like never existed is brutal.  My ex wife did that to me. It made some sense.  We drifted apart.  I’ve never had relationship where I was deleted so easily as my most recent dumping. She dumped me 4 days before Christmas.  I’m still struggling. We were together few months,  not super long. We fell hard fast. She told me so many promises that I beleieved with everything in me. I am sick of hearing people say “people break promises, get over it” - to those people - shut up!  Sadly, I kinda want it to happen to them. Very easy to say when not in middle of it though.  When a woman tells a man how’s his she’s never felt this way, it’s crazy how much she’s fallen for me, she’s in this for long haul and knows it will get hard with kids involved, and how I’m like her dream and she’s so thankful happy we met and are together. I’m sorry, you hear that daily for couple months or even couple weeks - it has massive impact.  I trust that person. Trust her words and actions at that time. Nobody sits there and feels or thinks “meh, she doesn’t mean it, she’ll eventually dump me so who cares”.  Nobody does.  Stupid logic if so.  This has been harder than my divorce or any other relationship.  Mainly because I dropped guards and trusted her because I wanted too, but also because she asked me to be vulnerable with her, she’s not going anywhere “baby”, this is something special and rare.  Yes, I feel wickedly used and played.  And it’s sicker and more hurtful because it involved my son and her. And she knows that. Because she has kids of her own.  Yes, people can change minds. But, not that quick and suddenly and having zero remorse or empathy when she’s blindsiding dumping me.  

It did have a massive impact on me and I trusted her when she said all those... it really is extremely painful when they just change their mind and not keep what they said. So what am I supposed to believe anymore?? Those words will always stick to me...it's something I can never forget, so I might continue to feel anger until I get better. I do feel used and played. 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, stu1051 said:

It did have a massive impact on me and I trusted her when she said all those... it really is extremely painful when they just change their mind and not keep what they said. So what am I supposed to believe anymore?? Those words will always stick to me...it's something I can never forget, so I might continue to feel anger until I get better. I do feel used and played. 

You can't believe a single word they say anymore. Move. On. That's why getting back together rarely works.