Struggling to get back to self

[littleblackheart]

I've had a difficult few years that have resulted in me making a series of bad decisions, that I've come to realise and want to put right.

I've left my lack of self-confidence after my divorce 7 years ago sink so low that I'm not entirely sure who I am anymore.

All bad things seemed to happen in a short few years:

- divorce while completing a PhD with two children I still have sole care of, one of whom has Asperger's.

- having to forgo professional ambitions as a single mother.

- I had a fling with a guy I barely knew. I don't regret it or feel shame at all but it's not really in my personality.

- not coping at all with a diagnosis of ASD.

- having a surreal 'cyber-relationship' too soon post-divorce with a guy I ended up not meeting, not because of a catfish situation, but because of very poor boundaries on my part. I let it go too far, pushed against my own values and wasted his time and mine. He wasn't that bad of a guy. I was a mess. 

- not being a good mother to my children these past couple of months; a combination of online working, being deeply affected by the pandemic and being in full avoidance mode of how low I've been feeling, with other things factored in.

- general fitness and health have plummeted.

The good points:

- I've put things right with my ex husband. He cheated, lied, manipulated and gaslighted me to the point where I almost lost myself, which probably is what broke me in hindsight. He himself went to therapy to figure his own issues out, and we're now on friendly co-parenting terms. He even spent christmas with us, and looked after the kids. A huge weight off my shoulders. There will never be any way back to him, that chapter is fully closed, but at least there is no more drama. Forgiving is freeing.

- I have a very solid support network who have always been there for me no matter what.

I've been to therapy on and off for 5 years. I get some benefits from it but not much. I already know the biggest hurdle for me is to forgive myself, but I know there are no short-cuts. 

I don't know why I'm writing all of this here now, I don't need any advice. I just needed to put it in black and white for myself.

How do you forgive yourself?

 

 

 

 

 

[FMW]

Read stories here and other places about what other people's experiences following divorce and other difficult transitions in life.  We all make missteps at times, we all have things we would like to have done differently.  

You've had a lot of things to deal with over a short period of time - see it for what it was/is:  Life.  Be proud of yourself for the things you like and use the things you don't feel good about as experience that will help you make better decisions in the future.  I'm sure you're also a lot more interesting of a person for all these experiences than you were before.  You can empathize and relate to others' experiences in a way you could not before.  

Reframe how you're looking at all of this - don't keep yourself stuck in the same old thought patterns.  

[littleblackheart]

Thanks for the reply; I wasn't expecting any. 

3 hours ago, FMW said:

Read stories here and other places about what other people's experiences following divorce and other difficult transitions in life.  We all make missteps at times, we all have things we would like to have done differently.  

You've had a lot of things to deal with over a short period of time - see it for what it was/is:  Life.  Be proud of yourself for the things you like and use the things you don't feel good about as experience that will help you make better decisions in the future.  

I did the reading and the talking, I've put things in perspective, there is no resentment or bitterness, I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for. It's just sadness at the time lost. 

These last few months have been so intense, same as for many other people no doubt, I feel like I'm in a parallel universe that is not particularly pleasant or enticing at the moment

. As for learning from experience, I'm not yet convinced that I have. We'll see.

3 hours ago, FMW said:

Reframe how you're looking at all of this - don't keep yourself stuck in the same old thought patterns.  

That's my problem in a nutshell. I'm working on it, albeit at a slower pace than most.

 

[littleblackheart]

I've today 

On 1/12/2021 at 10:54 PM, FMW said:

You've had a lot of things to deal with over a short period of time - see it for what it was/is:  Life.  Be proud of yourself for the things you like and use the things you don't feel good about as experience that will help you make better decisions in the future.  I'm sure you're also a lot more interesting of a person for all these experiences than you were before.  You can empathize and relate to others' experiences in a way you could not before.  

Just came back to re-read this as it hadn't sunk in when I first read it. Thank you. Yes, it's just life.

Finally realising my self-esteem isn't that low after all, and that things aren't that bad. Life overhaul starts now.

 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, you've had some major setbacks and personal struggles to contend with. But, you've also accomplished a great deal so give yourself a pat on the back.

[littleblackheart]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, you've had some major setbacks and personal struggles to contend with. But, you've also accomplished a great deal so give yourself a pat on the back.

Thank you!

I see that. 2 awesome kids, a solid education, a great family, no drama in my life, a good job, good friends, sound morals,  etc. Will totally be looking at my life, myself and life in general in a more positive way instead of compartmentalising so much. And be better at accepting support, compliments or encouragements.

There might be a bit of an adjustment period while I fully get back on track but not that much!

I'll use this lockdown time productively so when life gets back to normal, I'm ready to actually start living it.

Edited January 15, 2021 by littleblackheart

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

Thank you!

I see that. 2 awesome kids, a solid education, a great family, no drama in my life, a good job, good friends, sound morals,  etc. Will totally be looking at my life, myself and life in general in a more positive way instead of compartmentalising so much. And be better at accepting support, compliments or encouragements.

There might be a bit of an adjustment period while I fully get back on track but not that much!

I'll use this lockdown time productively so when life gets back to normal, I'm ready to actually start living it.

Right. And, completing a PhD with two children is an amazing feat.  

[littleblackheart]

Just now, Alpaca said:

Right. And, completing a PhD with two children is an amazing feat.  

Thanks 🙂. I think so too now you say it! Working near full-time as well with no immediate support. My proudest moment was having my kids at my graduation ceremony. Made it all worth it.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I have been devaluing myself so much all these years.

[Lotsgoingon]

You've been to therapy on and off for five years. That sounds good. Just make sure you REALLY like your therapist. Do you think your therapist is absolutely brilliant? Do you think your therapist sees your gifts and strengths and appreciates them? You want the answer to both of those questions to be a loud, resounding "YES!" 

I've known a lot of folks who've struggled for periods--people like you were open-minded and educated and who basically have a foundation of a reasonably content life. The ones who went on antidepressants seemed to get the boost they needed. Negative thoughts isn't just your mind. It's your brain. Sometimes people need a little brain help to shut off some of those negative thoughts. With some of those negative thoughts quieted, then all of your good efforts can take off and bear more fruit.

Just an idea. 

[littleblackheart]

On 1/17/2021 at 7:41 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

You've been to therapy on and off for five years. That sounds good. Just make sure you REALLY like your therapist. Do you think your therapist is absolutely brilliant? Do you think your therapist sees your gifts and strengths and appreciates them? You want the answer to both of those questions to be a loud, resounding "YES!" 

I've known a lot of folks who've struggled for periods--people like you were open-minded and educated and who basically have a foundation of a reasonably content life. The ones who went on antidepressants seemed to get the boost they needed. Negative thoughts isn't just your mind. It's your brain. Sometimes people need a little brain help to shut off some of those negative thoughts. With some of those negative thoughts quieted, then all of your good efforts can take off and bear more fruit.

Just an idea. 

I've just seen this, sorry! Thank you for this post 🙂.

I've had to change therapists a couple of times to find the right fit but feel like I've gained from the 3 different people I've seen in the 5 years. My current therapist is a gem - we have full on discussions in which she gets immersed, she's not just listening. Another stroke of luck - I've had a few.

My GP and I have had long chats about the use of antidepressants, and he's agreed with me that it's not the right course of action for me. I have a major, deep rooted distrust of these things. Completely irrational maybe. I might revisit, but I prefer knowing I can fully own and control whatever changes I manage to make in my life. It makes me feel better. I appreciate the thought, though 🙂.