Estranged brother - to invite to future wedding?

[acapelo_dp]

My boyfriend purchased an engagement ring and I am waiting for a proposal in the next few months. Of course I am over the moon excited and can't wait to start this new chapter with him.

I moved to a different province 7.5 years ago so I have no family here where I live. I go home once a year (pre COVID) to visit my father and step mom and some other relatives. 

Unfortunately, my mom passed away shortly after I moved to this province. I wasn't able to get to say goodbye to her. I have an older brother who we weren't very close as children or teenagers but got along well enough. Ever since my mother died my brother has stopped speaking with my father and myself. He was close with her and I'm not sure if that impacted him to where his mental health deteriorated. 

Basically my father hasn't seen my brother in years as well and my brother has not reached out to him. My father is very hurt by this and there was no indication of a falling out between them. My father loves my brother and I love him too. 

My brother has only reached out on Facebook to ask for money when he was struggling a few years ago and to say a yearly "Happy Birthday". He doesn't or hasn't ever ask about my life at all. I have no idea where my brother lives, his phone number, and I have not visited him when going back to my home province even when I post on social media I have planned a trip home. He does not seem to be impacted or even care about not having a relationship with me. I have reached out and made attempts several times to ask him how he is doing and shown interest in his life and even asked if he is depressed or anything I could do to support him. Ive gotten nothing from him. He seems very private and I'm not sure what the intent is behind it. 

I feel like my brother is a stranger and I am not feeling like inviting him to my wedding when I get engaged and start planning for 2022. I don't know this person anymore and to be honest, even if I did send the invite, I know in my heart he wouldn't come anyway. He did not show up to my mother's grave ceremony when I went home for it (not sure if it was to avoid seeing me and my father).

My boyfriend doesn't understand this as he is very close to all of his family members and his family has welcomed me with open arms which is such a blessing. 

Am I a terrible person if I do not invite my brother to my wedding? I feel we don't have any relationship at all. 

[d0nnivain]

No you are not a terrible person for not inviting your brother but I suggest that if there is no actual bad blood you be the bigger person & invite him.  He probably won't come anyway 

[Wiseman2]

Invite him. He probably won't go, but it washes your hands of any guilt.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ditto the others. Invite him. You might bring him out of his shell.  Your brother could be in deep pain and agony. He could be avoiding you guys because he is embarrassed about his life. Don't assume the worst. Absolutely invite him. Now, don't think of including him in the wedding unless you guys have some kind of reconciliation.

Your finance simply has a lack of imagination. Yes, being years out of contact is extreme, but lots of families have fractures. It's healthy that you accept t that brother is out there in his own world. But take it from a guy in his 50s, later in life, you would regret not reaching out to him. One of the ways we can use rituals--like weddings--is to make small overtures, small steps in healing family fractures. You really don't want to miss this opportunity. 

You may be right that he wouldn't come, or wouldn't even respond to the invite, but there will be a point in your life when you will want to know that you tried everything you could to reach out to him. You are an adult, and you don't need to go along with dad's feelings here. Dad would be delighted to see him in person, even if he's pissed at his son right now. 

BTW: sounds like you're missing part of the story in your family. There might be a very good reason your brother is awol from dad. Be aware of that. We all can be blind when it comes to what's really going on in our families, especially if we experienced family life as fairly happy. But most likely there is a lot you do not know. 

[Watercolors]

I’m the oldest of three children and I’m not close to either of them. I’m estranged from one sibling and rely on social media to stay in touch with my other sibling. 

As has been stated, invite your brother to wedding but manage your expectations too. Understand that just because you invite him, doesn't ‘mean that he will attend your wedding. And you don’t know the history between your brother and step-dad, so don’t make any assumptions about that relationship without having any real knowledge about their closeness. They may have had a falling out but didn’t include you in on that information. You just don’t know. If you are curious, you should ask your step dad. 

Since you two were never emotionally close growing up, I think your expectations that your mother’s death should have brought you two closer, is unrealistic. After my father died, it didn’t bring me closer to either sibling emotionally. It didn’t create distance between us either. We all lost the same parent, but our relationship dynamics with each other weren’t impacted. We still don’t like each other. 

[acapelo_dp]

On 1/15/2021 at 6:04 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Ditto the others. Invite him. You might bring him out of his shell.  Your brother could be in deep pain and agony. He could be avoiding you guys because he is embarrassed about his life. Don't assume the worst. Absolutely invite him. Now, don't think of including him in the wedding unless you guys have some kind of reconciliation.

Your finance simply has a lack of imagination. Yes, being years out of contact is extreme, but lots of families have fractures. It's healthy that you accept t that brother is out there in his own world. But take it from a guy in his 50s, later in life, you would regret not reaching out to him. One of the ways we can use rituals--like weddings--is to make small overtures, small steps in healing family fractures. You really don't want to miss this opportunity. 

You may be right that he wouldn't come, or wouldn't even respond to the invite, but there will be a point in your life when you will want to know that you tried everything you could to reach out to him. You are an adult, and you don't need to go along with dad's feelings here. Dad would be delighted to see him in person, even if he's pissed at his son right now. 

BTW: sounds like you're missing part of the story in your family. There might be a very good reason your brother is awol from dad. Be aware of that. We all can be blind when it comes to what's really going on in our families, especially if we experienced family life as fairly happy. But most likely there is a lot you do not know. 

It's hard to tell the real reasoning behind it because he doesn't talk much. To be honest, he didn't talk much when we were teens and young adults and would just play video games in his room. But I also don't want to try harder then someone else and get nothing in return. 

You are right that I may not know the whole story of my dad and brother, something could have happened. I do shut my dad down when he vents to me about it because there's nothing I can do and it has nothing to do with me, so my dad doesn't bring it up much anymore. 

I think I will invite him but say I understand if you can't make it due to the cost of travel and it's a lot to ask, but just know you are welcome. I know in my heart he won't come, and to be honest, not sure if I truly want him there anyways. He is essentially a stranger to me. It rubbed me the wrong way when he only has asked me for money and nothing else. 

[acapelo_dp]

On 1/15/2021 at 7:59 PM, Watercolors said:

I’m the oldest of three children and I’m not close to either of them. I’m estranged from one sibling and rely on social media to stay in touch with my other sibling. 

As has been stated, invite your brother to wedding but manage your expectations too. Understand that just because you invite him, doesn't ‘mean that he will attend your wedding. And you don’t know the history between your brother and step-dad, so don’t make any assumptions about that relationship without having any real knowledge about their closeness. They may have had a falling out but didn’t include you in on that information. You just don’t know. If you are curious, you should ask your step dad. 

Since you two were never emotionally close growing up, I think your expectations that your mother’s death should have brought you two closer, is unrealistic. After my father died, it didn’t bring me closer to either sibling emotionally. It didn’t create distance between us either. We all lost the same parent, but our relationship dynamics with each other weren’t impacted. We still don’t like each other. 

You are right that I am unaware if something happened between my father and him. I will never know, and it's also not important. 

To be fair, I never expected the death of my mother to bring us closer. I just wonder if it has to do with him withdrawing, or impacting his mental health. I will never know because he hasn't ever told me even when I asked if he was okay and if there's anything I can do to support him. 

It seems we both greived very differently over her death and that's ok and normal. However, his withdraw from his whole family is and probably always will be a mystery. I just can't comprehend not reaching out to ask how I am...or let alone, anything about my life. 

If he isn't interested in my life at all, why on earth would be interested in attending my wedding are my thoughts. 

[Watercolors]

35 minutes ago, acapelo_dp said:

You are right that I am unaware if something happened between my father and him. I will never know, and it's also not important. 

To be fair, I never expected the death of my mother to bring us closer. I just wonder if it has to do with him withdrawing, or impacting his mental health. I will never know because he hasn't ever told me even when I asked if he was okay and if there's anything I can do to support him. 

It seems we both greived very differently over her death and that's ok and normal. However, his withdraw from his whole family is and probably always will be a mystery. I just can't comprehend not reaching out to ask how I am...or let alone, anything about my life. 

If he isn't interested in my life at all, why on earth would be interested in attending my wedding are my thoughts. 

Look. The reality is, that adult siblings who didn't grow up emotionally connected will not suddenly become emotionally connected as adults, unless both want to heal their strained sibling relationship. For whatever his reasons are, your brother has chosen to cut you out of his life. So, as hard as that is for you to accept, you have no choice.

You have to accept it. I cut my youngest sibling out of my life, to SAVE my life. He threw me down a flight of stairs and nearly killed me a week after our father's funeral. On the drive to our uncle's funeral, he threw me out of his car b/c I was reading a magazine he didn't like, making me walk an empty highway with no cellphone except my suitcase for 30 minutes before he returned to pick me up. Do you think I want anything to do with someone who acts that, just because we're related? Hell, no! 

I don't think you should even bother inviting your brother to your wedding. I understand your curiosity about your brother's feelings after the death of your mother. That's normal curiosity. But it's not important. You two are estranged. Like I advised you earlier, you really need to manage your expectations as far as your brother's presence in your life. He doesn't want to be a part of your life.

You need to find a way to accept that, even if you think it somehow tarnishes your public persona with friends and acquaintances, as being someone who has a perfect life. No one has a perfect life. Appearances can be, and always are, deceiving.

So, if this issue with inviting your brother to your wedding, is about having a wedding where you need to present an intact family to the public, try to manage your expectations to a more realistic level. Do your friends and acquaintances know that you and your brother are estranged? And, also, why do you care so much about what other people think? This is your wedding after all. Only invite people you have a good relationship with. That's my advice. Take it or leave it. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by Watercolors

[acapelo_dp]

8 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Look. The reality is, that adult siblings who didn't grow up emotionally connected will not suddenly become emotionally connected as adults, unless both want to heal their strained sibling relationship. For whatever his reasons are, your brother has chosen to cut you out of his life. So, as hard as that is for you to accept, you have no choice.

You have to accept it. I cut my youngest sibling out of my life, to SAVE my life. He threw me down a flight of stairs and nearly killed me a week after our father's funeral. On the drive to our uncle's funeral, he threw me out of his car b/c I was reading a magazine he didn't like, making me walk an empty highway with no cellphone except my suitcase for 30 minutes before he returned to pick me up. Do you think I want anything to do with someone who acts that, just because we're related? Hell, no! 

I don't think you should even bother inviting your brother to your wedding. I understand your curiosity about your brother's feelings after the death of your mother. That's normal curiosity. But it's not important. You two are estranged. Like I advised you earlier, you really need to manage your expectations as far as your brother's presence in your life. He doesn't want to be a part of your life.

You need to find a way to accept that, even if you think it somehow tarnishes your public persona with friends and acquaintances, as being someone who has a perfect life. No one has a perfect life. Appearances can be, and always are, deceiving.

So, if this issue with inviting your brother to your wedding, is about having a wedding where you need to present an intact family to the public, try to manage your expectations to a more realistic level. Do your friends and acquaintances know that you and your brother are estranged? And, also, why do you care so much about what other people think? This is your wedding after all. Only invite people you have a good relationship with. That's my advice. Take it or leave it. 

 

My friends know we are estranged and my partner does as well. I feel I will be judged if I don't invite him by my partner's family. I did not have a "perfect life" or "perfect family" growing up and don't care to have that image. I just don't want to be questioned about it. 

I have accepted that he doesn't care to be in my life. But with a wedding coming, Im worried I will have all sorts of questions why my brother isn't there by my partner's family. My partner even said "you have to invite you brother, he's your brother." But he doesn't understand because he has a very close family with the "image" intact. I didn't and don't have that.

Thank you for the advice and taking the time to respond. I have made my decision. 

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, acapelo_dp said:

I think I will invite him but say I understand if you can't make it due to the cost of travel and it's a lot to ask, but just know you are welcome.

That seems like a passive aggressive way of telling him not to come.  Just invite him.  You don't have to specify that you understand if he can't make it.  That's implied.  No need to spell it out.

By inviting him you did the right thing; you show you are the bigger person.  He can come or not come.  It's up to him.  if he comes you two may patch things up.  He may come & just be there.  He may decline  Unless he comes & causes trouble, it's not a big deal one way or the other.

By inviting him when questioned by busy-bodies you can shrug & say "I invited him.  We're not close so I can't say why he's not attending" & leave it at that. 

Edited January 19, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

Send out the olive branch. If he accepts great, if not you're free and clear. Win/win

Edited January 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

[acapelo_dp]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

That seems like a passive aggressive way of telling him not to come.  Just invite him.  You don't have to specify that you understand if he can't make it.  That's implied.  No need to spell it out.

By inviting him you did the right thing; you show you are the bigger person.  He can come or not come.  It's up to him.  if he comes you two may patch things up.  He may come & just be there.  He may decline  Unless he comes & causes trouble, it's not a big deal one way or the other.

By inviting him when questioned by busy-bodies you can shrug & say "I invited him.  We're not close so I can't say why he's not attending" & leave it at that. 

You are correct, that is passive aggressive. It's best not to say that. 

Thanks for your input, it's much appreciated. By just inviting him (and knowing 99 percent sure he won't come) it does alleviate the concern of being questioned. 

[d0nnivain]

BTW best wishes on your upcoming nuptials!  Hope the day is everything you have ever dreamed of & you have a long, joy filled marriage.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Ditto---just invite. Cleanly, as a friend of mine would say. Avoid the "I understand if you can't." 

You'll get to a point of your life when you want to have done this.  It's odd: I don't care how impossible a family member is, if they were to suddenly die say, the survivors all seem to go through a process of thinking, "I should have reached out more."

And he doesn't have to spend close time with you--in the longshot that he comes. 

Good luck. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I would not invite him. This is YOUR special day. There will be enough (happy, excited) stress the day of the ceremony, and you shouldn't also have to be concerned about whether he will show, what his mood and behavior will be like, etc... You have given him ample opportunity to form a relationship with you, and he has decided to remain estranged. His loss.

[Watercolors]

@acapelo_dp I don't understand why you would use your estranged brother as a prop, to avoid having to answer nosy questions from your fiance's family. Why do you care so much about your public image? You could care less that he comes, you've said that. Yet, you have said that you don't want to deal with anyone questioning his absence at your wedding. 

You can't control anyone's behavior. Not even your fiance or his family or your family or friends. I assume you've been to your fair share of weddings. 

Why not just tell your fiance and his parents, that you are not planning to invite your brother. You wrote, that his family already knows why you and your brother are estranged, so it's not even an issue. But you're making it an issue b/c of public image. 

If sending him the wedding invite alleviates your public-image anxiety (that's the only reason you'd be inviting him), send the invite to him. But you are inviting a lot of unnecessary drama by doing that. First, it's your wedding day. Your brother could choose that day to embarrass or humiliate you, if he does attend. You have no idea how he plans to behave. Second, you are only inviting him to "save face" with nosy wedding invitees. Who cares what nosy people think. They will be too busy getting drunk and causing their own drama at your reception. That's what wedding receptions are for. 

Just save yourself the headache, and have a peaceful wedding without inviting your brother. Leave the family drama outside the reception hall. You can always reach out to your brother after your wedding, when you are settled to invite him to talk about your estrangement. But choosing your wedding venue as the time and place for healing your broken relationship with your brother is not smart, b/c you are going to cause a lot of unnecessary pain and drama for everyone, including your fiance. 

[acapelo_dp]

On 1/19/2021 at 11:38 AM, Watercolors said:

@acapelo_dp I don't understand why you would use your estranged brother as a prop, to avoid having to answer nosy questions from your fiance's family. Why do you care so much about your public image? You could care less that he comes, you've said that. Yet, you have said that you don't want to deal with anyone questioning his absence at your wedding. 

You can't control anyone's behavior. Not even your fiance or his family or your family or friends. I assume you've been to your fair share of weddings. 

Why not just tell your fiance and his parents, that you are not planning to invite your brother. You wrote, that his family already knows why you and your brother are estranged, so it's not even an issue. But you're making it an issue b/c of public image. 

If sending him the wedding invite alleviates your public-image anxiety (that's the only reason you'd be inviting him), send the invite to him. But you are inviting a lot of unnecessary drama by doing that. First, it's your wedding day. Your brother could choose that day to embarrass or humiliate you, if he does attend. You have no idea how he plans to behave. Second, you are only inviting him to "save face" with nosy wedding invitees. Who cares what nosy people think. They will be too busy getting drunk and causing their own drama at your reception. That's what wedding receptions are for. 

Just save yourself the headache, and have a peaceful wedding without inviting your brother. Leave the family drama outside the reception hall. You can always reach out to your brother after your wedding, when you are settled to invite him to talk about your estrangement. But choosing your wedding venue as the time and place for healing your broken relationship with your brother is not smart, b/c you are going to cause a lot of unnecessary pain and drama for everyone, including your fiance. 

Because I don't want to feel judged for having a dysfunctional family. You are correct, I don't want him there because I don't have a relationship with him. I don't know him. I'm not going to make more of an effort with someone who doesn't reciprocate, it's the same with friendships.my partner knows why we are estranged but his family has no idea why. I also don't think it's their business, though. 

It's not necessarily easy feeling with judgements from others. I've dealt with that my whole life growing up with a mother who had a brain injury and treated me like garbage. But that's another story. 

I love and care about my brother. I do. I grew up with him. But I also know if he passed away I would regret not at least inviting him. I know he won't come anyway. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with the advice to go through the formality of inviting him, knowing he's very unlikely to attend. 

Congrats on your forthcoming engagement!

[ShyViolet]

If you don't want to invite him then you should not invite him.  Do what you want.  Your wedding is YOUR day and the last thing you need is something like this stressing you out.  It's not worth it and you are not obligated.

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If you don't want to invite him then you should not invite him.  Do what you want.  Your wedding is YOUR day and the last thing you need is something like this stressing you out.  It's not worth it and you are not obligated.

But not inviting him has repercussions beyond one day.   It could cause more & deeper problems where as inviting him shows grace & generosity

[MihiranCG]

First : My suggestion  invite him, he is part of your family. What's his reply doesn't matter, You can be happy " I've invited him, the day my 2nd life started ", Self satisfaction there..

 

Second : in your free time, take a deep thinking A to Z recap all over time, What happened to him actually for this kind of behaviour ..

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

But not inviting him has repercussions beyond one day.   It could cause more & deeper problems where as inviting him shows grace & generosity

She clearly does not want to invite him.  If she did invite him, it would be out of some sense of guilt or obligation.  Which is not what your wedding day should be about.  I absolutely reject the idea that we should be guilted or obligated to do things with certain people just because they are family, if that doesn't work for us or make us happy.  It should be HER choice.

[acapelo_dp]

On 1/31/2021 at 3:47 PM, ShyViolet said:

She clearly does not want to invite him.  If she did invite him, it would be out of some sense of guilt or obligation.  Which is not what your wedding day should be about.  I absolutely reject the idea that we should be guilted or obligated to do things with certain people just because they are family, if that doesn't work for us or make us happy.  It should be HER choice.

Thanks for your response!

I also find it awkward that he did not congratulate me, message me, or even "like" my post on social media when I announced my engagement. It just gives off the vibe, again, that he doesn't care about my life or want anything to do with it. 

It gives me anxiety thinking about him attending as well because he would have to fly here, stay in a hotel (because there would be no room after other guests are staying with us) and fly back. All the while not speaking to my father and hasn't met my step mother. 

I am still torn on the decision, even more so now that he clearly doesn't seem interested in my engagement. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, acapelo_dp said:

It gives me anxiety thinking about him attending as well because he would have to fly here, stay in a hotel (because there would be no room after other guests are staying with us) and fly back. All the while not speaking to my father and hasn't met my step mother. 

Yeah, that is the last thing you need on your wedding day.  Anyone telling you that you should do this to yourself on your wedding day, which is supposed to be YOUR special day, is giving you terrible advice.  If it gives you anxiety and makes you unhappy, then don't do it.  It makes no sense to put the feelings of others above your own when it comes to your own wedding, a time when you are supposed to be focusing on YOUR own happiness.  

You are allowed to put your needs first.  Inviting someone who gives you anxiety is essentially risking ruining your wedding.  That is absolutely ridiculous.

[World Peace Guy]

You could try inviting him for a visit a day before, and tell him in that invitation that you want to give him an invitation to your wedding, but are worried about stuff, so you want to see him the before inviting him.