Devastated by breakup, after 5+ years.

[OhAndTwo]

Hello, Short and long versions below!

Short:

After 5+ years of a great, loving, caring relationship, common long term goals, intertwined family and friends, great sex, 0 worries on either side of infidelity, me helping raise her 2 kids, and much much more, we hit a rough spot. Approximately 3 months ago, I noticed less intimacy, less sex, less making an effort to spend time with me. I, unfortunately, chalked it up to pandemic stress, which caused work stress, which was making her try to take any available shifts to make up for the loss. I really thought we were as solid of a couple as could be. on 12/12, after a friends Xmas party, she confronted me. She demanded me tell her what my problem was. I told her "I don't think you like me anymore." Her reply was "Oh yeah, well you're right...and here's why!" she then basically proceeded to yell at me about things that happened almost 2 years prior, up until presently. We both had been drinking, so, that didnt help. We had it out for a while. She said "I'm not happy, and I havent been for a while." Literally 2-3 months prior, she grabbed me and said "Lets get married!" we were madly in love, that recently. Now, I will say, I have been known to be stubborn and selfish about some things, like my hobbies. I have missed a wedding in her family due to it, and that was brought up in the tirade. I have also procrastinated on such things as an engagement ring, life insurance in case something happens to me, a will to allow her to keep the house we bought, if I passed unexpected. So on 12/12 she asked for some type of separation. We agreed to smile through the family stuff over Xmas, and we did. She was rubbing my arm, winking at me across the room, like we always did with each other, and things seemed ok. were were openly discussing things, and it seemed like minor progress. Her birthday, i,s also New Years Eve, and she decided to spend it with a longtime friend, eating junkfood and watching tv. I stayed home with the dogs. The Saturday night after NY, we had a great dinner with friends, and went dancing at our neighborhood bar, went home and had sex.  Exactly 4 weeks from 12/12, this past Saturday, afternoon, I asked her if we could talk. She agreed. I wanted to feel her out a little, and know if we were working on "us" or taking another step to separate further. She said she does not love me like she used to anymore. That there has been too much that has happened and that she wants to leave. It has completely devastated me. She has no means to leave. She does not own a vehicle. Her phone is on my plan. She has no money saved. She does not have great credit. She has an ADHD son who I treat very well, and try to help by giving advice, teaching him some things, etc. She has 2 cats. Now, she is staying here, under the assumption that when she can afford to, she is leaving. I told her she can have one of the vehicles. I'm beside myself over this. I now notice, she stopped smoking, is working out more, is eating better, whitening her teeth, using all kinds of new skin products. It's like she has completely wrote me off and only thinking about attracting someone new. She has always been wonderful at taking care of the dogs, cats, kids and household. She cleans, cooks and does all my laundry still. It is so odd to be in this position. I love her dearly and want to fix us, but she seems to be well past that, yet, I cant throw her out because that would ruin any chance of ever repairing this. What do I do? 

LONG BACKSTORY

After a bad marriage, lots of therapy, I met a great girl in 2015. We clicked instantly. She immediately became the focus of my life. She had 2 kids, 15 daughter, and 10 Son, both from previous relationships. I was reluctant to dating someone with kids. I have none of my own and I dont consider myself to be good with kids. Both kids had relationships with their father and they spent time there, giving us time to get to know each other and fall in love. Now, this girl, I'll call Marie, had alot of financial issues. She had some old debt from a school she never finished, some other debt from an auto repo, etc. She was a single mom of 2, working as a bartender and waitress. She had 2 different jobs, one had closed unexpectantly in 2014, and leaving her unable to make ends meet. Months into dating, I noticed an eviction notice at her apartment and confronted her. She broke down and told me everything and said she was hiding it from me because she didnt want my money. I was not about to let her and her kids become homeless, so I paid what I had to to keep her apartment for her. About a year into dating, she wanted to move in with me. I was also in an apartment, with 3 dogs, that I was fighting my wife over custody of (along with other things). I said I couldnt let her move in at that time, as I was still married, she has 2 kids, and now 2 cats, and it was just alot to ask of my landlord. We broke things off for a month, when suddenly she calls me crying that her daughter had gotten arrested for pot. I immediately, was there to help and we stayed together since. She moved in 6 months later and we all lived in the apartment. 

Her daughter began to cause many more problems. Stealing, smoking pot in the apartment, drinking, etc. I stood by and offered help in any way I could. I was there to pick up the pieces and try to keep things somewhat normal. I had bought Marie 2 used cars over these 5 years, bought her daughter a car to hopefully use for college (she decided to not go to college, barely get through high school, etc). More recently bought her son a car to get to work, which he has refused to get his license. By 2018, we bought a house, and after her daugher burned every bridge she had, would not even do basic things to keep anything clean, refused to work to pay for car insurance, etc, we asked her to move out. She barely stayed at our house anyway, so it didnt seem like a big step. Marie and I redid the whole house, mostly ourselves, making everything exactly how we like it and compromising to make each other happy. Within a month, we had to pick her up at the police station, after she was assaulted. Marie has carried tremendous guilt over her daughters life. A few months later, the daughter was arrested for DUI for being high, and driving. A few months later, she ended up pregnant. The baby is now 1 year old. Her life is a mess. She lives in poor conditions with the baby, and absolutely loves the baby's dad, even though he has a major drug addict, who treats her horribly. We have tried so many times to help the daughter, only to be disappointed every time. All this weighs heavily on Marie, and facing these problems with me is much easier than facing them alone. 

I'm really baffled by her willingness to give up on our 5+ years, and upset all these things in our life. Just this weekend, this has set off a firestorm of fighting between our core friend group. Longtime friend of hers is accusing her of going through a midlife crisis, accusing her of being on drugs, and accusing her of being an alcoholic. While we drink on weekends, I do not consider her an alcoholic. We go weeks at times with zero alcohol, and it doesnt affect our relationship. As far as drugs, She has taken some energy pills to help with working double shifts, and excercising, but we do not take any hard illegal drugs, so I do not see that either. I do agree with her friend about "something" going on with her, but I'm not quick to label it a midlife crisis. I'm not even sure is women have those?  She is 39 is that matters. I am 43. 

I appreciate any advice here. I'm really sad about this all. TY!

[Gaeta]

I am sorry you're going through this. I am 1 month out of a 5 year relationship, not easy.

My advice would be don't play friends with her. Ask her to leave your place by the end of January, mid-Feb. Help her financially if you can afford it to settle in her new place and from there remain silent. The way I see it she will never leave, she'll play room-mate with you and soon she'll be inviting other men over. Don't do this to yourself! She has no money but he buys all those products!? Nah. Don't let her turn you into a room-mate.

[OhAndTwo]

I agree. She definitely has a shopping problem. I'm thinking she will use her income tax refund to help her along. I really don't want to spend another dime on her if I can avoid it. The sooner she is gone, the sooner I can work on my life. Unfortunately, the sooner she is gone, I'm gonna be devastated all over again. Ty for your reply. Hurts, but you're right. 

[Caauug]

16 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

I told her "I don't think you like me anymore." Her reply was "Oh yeah, well you're right...and here's why!" she then basically proceeded to yell at me about things that happened almost 2 years prior, up until presently. We both had been drinking, so, that didnt help. We had it out for a while. She said "I'm not happy, and I havent been for a while." Literally 2-3 months prior, she grabbed me and said "Lets get married!" we were madly in love, that recently.

No, "Let's get married" was a cry of help from her because her feelings of attraction for you were missing. 

 

16 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

Approximately 3 months ago, I noticed less intimacy, less sex, less making an effort to spend time with me. I, unfortunately, chalked it up to pandemic stress,

No, she lost sexual attraction for you.

 

16 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

I now notice, she stopped smoking, is working out more, is eating better, whitening her teeth, using all kinds of new skin products. It's like she has completely wrote me off and only thinking about attracting someone new.

She has likely had him in her friend zone for a while now. Monkey branching is common practice with women, some find it difficult with Covid. She knows who she wants. Wait and look, she will make a move for him. A lioness after prey, she likely did the same with you...

 

16 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

I had bought Marie 2 used cars over these 5 years, bought her daughter a car to hopefully use for college (she decided to not go to college, barely get through high school, etc). More recently bought her son a car to get to work, which he has refused to get his license. By 2018, we bought a house,

This means nothing.... Your sole purpose is to provide for her and her family... This was your duty, she owes you nothing for this. 

 

16 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

She had 2 kids, 15 daughter, and 10 Son, both from previous relationships.... Now, this girl, I'll call Marie, had alot of financial issues. She had some old debt from a school she never finished, some other debt from an auto repo, etc. She was a single mom of 2, working as a bartender and waitress. She had 2 different jobs, one had closed unexpectantly in 2014, and leaving her unable to make ends meet. Months into dating, I noticed an eviction notice at her apartment and confronted her.

So you were the Knight in shinning armour and saved her??? That earned you, "your turn"

17 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

Her birthday, i,s also New Years Eve, and she decided to spend it with a longtime friend, eating junkfood and watching tv. I stayed home with the dogs.

Are you sure? "Junkfood" likely salty, not sugar based...

17 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

She said she does not love me like she used to anymore. That there has been too much that has happened and that she wants to leave. It has completely devastated me.

Your failure controlling her daughter, her son's ADHD problems, your procrastination on engagement ring, your hobby issues has all played a major part in her attraction for you as a mate. 

 

17 hours ago, OhAndTwo said:

I'm really baffled by her willingness to give up on our 5+ years, and upset all these things in our life. Just this weekend, this has set off a firestorm of fighting between our core friend group.

Totally the wrong way of thinking. She is not giving up on +5 years of relationship as she has already had that. That is history. What is she giving up in the future by dumping you? (should be the question....) She doesn't see much, no ring, no marriage, no resolve with her messed up family... How can she benefit with continuing association  with you??? 

What you have done means nothing, there is no bank of "Good Deeds" that you have performed that she holds for you. The only thing that counts is what you are as a man and what you can provide. Now and the future.... Past does not count in your favour, past deeds remembered are always negative and count against you.

Friends: Count against you when she pulls the victim's card when she is (in the hive) with her friends. Distance yourself away from all her or common friends. They will turn on you quickly when they hear how hard she has tried to keep the relationship together but you ignored her and kept her in misery.... She will play the "V" card, she can't help it...

What's your next step? 

Protect yourself:

Depends on local laws if you are responsible financially for her children, yes her half... See the top 3 rated/hated divorce lawyers in your area. Get educated.

She wants to replace you as a mate, you have no obligation to assist her in doing so. Follow legal advice from above point. She is not your partner/lover anymore, she is swinging away from you to someone new. You can not stop her. 

Do not promise anything until you seek legal advice. 

That car you promised her might be her FWB's ride in a month or two...

[OhAndTwo]

While I hate half of what you wrote, you are probably spot on. It will be extremely painful if she is doing this simply for another guy. She has been in abusive relationships before me. Restraining orders, knife to throat, slashed tires, etc. I'm not perfect, but I would never lay a finger on her and did all I could to protect her, provide for her and treat her as best as I was capable of. She is not showing any signs of being in another relationship yet, but who knows. 

Her best friend, also a friend of mine feels it's a midlife crisis and she will be full of regret, once she realizes what she has done. 

Thanks for the detailed reply.

[OhAndTwo]

Also, my hobby is boating, and in 5+ years, of boating almost every weekend in the Summers, she was there 99% of the time. It's not like I was not spending this time without her. We spent every weekend together. We took weekend trips, had amazing dinners, etc. She had not been familiar with boats until we met, but quickly grew to love it. 

[Caauug]

22 minutes ago, OhAndTwo said:

While I hate half of what you wrote, you are probably spot on. It will be extremely painful if she is doing this simply for another guy.... I'm not perfect, but I would never lay a finger on her and did all I could to protect her, provide for her and treat her as best as I was capable of. She is not showing any signs of being in another relationship yet, but who knows. 

I can tell you now she will not ditch you just to be alone.... Her and her family against the world!!! No, she is smarter than that.

 Good, never give her reason to fear you. This is very important in break ups. If she even hints about any sort of abuse or feeling of fear from you. Remove yourself, just shut up and leave. Best to have witness if possible with communication. There is more than one bloke in the clink because of "Abuse" with the ex living in the house with the BF....

Protect yourself!!!! I can not stress that enough....

[Caauug]

27 minutes ago, OhAndTwo said:

Also, my hobby is boating, and in 5+ years, of boating almost every weekend in the Summers, she was there 99% of the time. It's not like I was not spending this time without her. We spent every weekend together. We took weekend trips, had amazing dinners, etc. She had not been familiar with boats until we met, but quickly grew to love it. 

Yes, boats are cool..... saying that I live about 6hrs drive away from the closest body of water for boating, the Southern Ocean.... I have a mate's boat in my yard, been there for 4 years, likely hasn't seen water in 10yrs. I think it's about a 16'-18' tinnie...

[Highndry]

On 1/12/2021 at 2:36 PM, OhAndTwo said:

Now, she is staying here, under the assumption that when she can afford to, she is leaving. I told her she can have one of the vehicles. I'm beside myself over this. I now notice, she stopped smoking, is working out more, is eating better, whitening her teeth, using all kinds of new skin products. It's like she has completely wrote me off and only thinking about attracting someone new.

This needs to end yesterday. Kick her asz out.

[books2]

OhandTwo... By being so kind and accommodative to her, I believe you're probably just becoming less attractive to her. You're being a nice guy and you're gonna finish last because of it.

 

If you don't make a change, soon she will be going out and making love to new guys while you are waiting for her at home, eventually she'll bring one over. 

 

I think you need to make a statement and I will echo what others have said... Kick her a$s out. She needs to feel the consequences of leaving you. Have a talk with her and tell her she is using you and you won't tolerate it. Tell her this is not what you wanted, but you can't be living like this anymore (the situation where she is at your place, but no longer "with you"). Tell her to leave. 

 

I know where you are coming from. You're attached and totally in love with her. The only way she ever comes back is if you set her free. The bad news is that she'll probably go around and sleep with a few dudes before she comes back. And then when she does come back, you'll be hurt and pissed and wont be feeling the same way about her anymore. She'll be tainted. 

 

Maybe if you're lucky, she'll see that you can have balls and will still want you. But I wouldn't count on it. 

 

I think Caauug is right and she probably has a guy "friend" in her entourage to bounce back to. I'm thinking the whole arrangements to leave and go be with him aren't complete yet and this is why she is still there. 

 

Sorry mate... I would suggest trying to soak in some red pill knowledge. You're so very blue pilled lol, like all of us used to be.

[OhAndTwo]

After a couple days of turmoil, I decided to leave to my Florida condo for a few days. She agreed to take care of my dogs. After a few days, she asked me if we can try to work things out and said she loves me. She picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with a huge hug and lots of kissing. We have planned to talk Saturday, due to our work schedules not lining up. I'm cautiously optimistic but there's alot to discuss. 

[Ellener]

9 minutes ago, OhAndTwo said:

After a couple days of turmoil, I decided to leave to my Florida condo for a few days. She agreed to take care of my dogs. After a few days, she asked me if we can try to work things out and said she loves me. She picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with a huge hug and lots of kissing. We have planned to talk Saturday, due to our work schedules not lining up. I'm cautiously optimistic but there's alot to discuss. 

Maybe you need to step back from all the complexities for your talk and examine your actual feelings for each other, in the moment, irrespective of the wider more complex picture involving others. 

Suggest you do it sober! 

[Highndry]

On 1/22/2021 at 9:17 AM, OhAndTwo said:

After a couple days of turmoil, I decided to leave to my Florida condo for a few days. She agreed to take care of my dogs. After a few days, she asked me if we can try to work things out and said she loves me. She picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with a huge hug and lots of kissing. We have planned to talk Saturday, due to our work schedules not lining up. I'm cautiously optimistic but there's alot to discuss. 

I'm not buying it at all. She doesn't want to lose her place to live, etc. She's full of s***. Dump her.

[Marc878]

On 1/22/2021 at 12:17 PM, OhAndTwo said:

After a couple days of turmoil, I decided to leave to my Florida condo for a few days. She agreed to take care of my dogs. After a few days, she asked me if we can try to work things out and said she loves me. She picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with a huge hug and lots of kissing. We have planned to talk Saturday, due to our work schedules not lining up. I'm cautiously optimistic but there's alot to discuss. 

Sounds like her new boyfriend dumped her.

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, Highndry said:

I'm not buying it at all. She doesn't want to lose her place to live, etc. She's full of s***. Dump her.

Yep but he’ll probably swallow it hook line and sinker. Just set up to get it again. She knows she can play him.

He should let her go but won’t. 

[Highndry]

6 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Sounds like her new boyfriend dumped her.

Exactly. The staying in with an old friend eating junk food on New Year's Eve was the biggest BS ever. She was with a dude.