My girlfriends friendship with a guy she's slept with makes me extremely uncomfortable

[Chazper]

(20 male and 18 female)

I’ll start this off by saying that before dating my current girlfriend, my sex life was very disappointing which is, I am aware, likely a large cause of a lot of my insecurities when it comes to this sort of thing.

My girlfriend has had a lot more partners and positive experiences than me, which was initially difficult for me to process, but the logical part of my brain helped me deal with and overcome because obviously this is normal and to be expected etc.

However, there is one partner she’s still friends with and the thought of it has been eating at me. I could be okay with it if it was one of those “oh we were drunk and had a one night stand but nothing really came from it and we moved past it” or “we decided to try it out then realized it was a mistake and we should just be friends” but after asking/hearing more about it, the reality of the situation is that she had a crush on this dude for a while, and then during the summer after her first serious break up, he was someone she’d party with and use as a shoulder to cry on until eventually she told him how she was attracted to him and wanted to sleep with him and he felt the same. They slept with each other on two separate occasions, which were both the best sex she had had (until being with me apparently, other than the oral department she admits) and then she tried to get him to go out with her, but he just wanted to be friends.

She set boundaries and stayed friends with him, then before she got into the relationship she was in before me, she asked him out once more, to which he again denied.

That relationship she instead got into was very toxic and she didn’t want to be with the guy, but he wouldn’t let her break up with him and would do things like threaten suicide and blame it on her if she tried. She ended up sending this friend nudes during that relationship, hoping her boyfriend would find them and break up with her himself.

When she talks about it, I can tell she’s really glad she got to sleep with him and even when I told her that her response was just, “...well I’m glad I got to sleep with you too, and continue to do so”.

The way she holds onto it like an achievement and adored him so much just hurts me and makes me feel so insecure.

It's not that I want her to regret it, but the way she’s talked about this person makes it feel like it’s more than just being in the past. 

Now,  since learning about this, I feel like after having that history together it doesn’t matter what friendship there is left to salvage. This is someone who should be out of the picture during relationships. She has a very “sex positive” mindset and thinks everyone should have sex with whoever they want whenever they want, which I don’t necessarily disagree with, but in social circles I think that’s naive because that’s how you hurt peoples' feelings and get used.

She’s cried over the thought of losing him as a friend and says how he’s the last friend from her hometown and stuff, but I really just can’t deal with the fact she desires any sort of friendship or connection with him so much, and I feel like it’s not something that’s just me being insecure or need to get over but that it’s something I’m just not comfortable with and is going to just eat at me.

I have had this thought stuck on my mind almost constantly for the last few days, and I don’t want to make it a “choose me or him” scenario.

I would like some input on if I’m being irrational or selfish, and what to do/how to talk to her about it without coming off as slut shaming, because that’s not what I want to do.

Sorry if it was poorly worded at parts or if I rambled too much. Thank you for reading.

Edited February 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[trident_2020]

Someone has to lose.

Or, both.

Seems to me like you're just going to have to find a way to deal with it otherwise she'll resent you for sure.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you just need more experience and confidence. Reconsider this relationship. Not because she has a past. Not because she talks to people.

Because she seems too immature for you. She's a highschool kid, basically.

Try dating girls your age. You'll get along better, have more in common and can learn new stuff together.

[d0nnivain]

I couldn't parse the wall of text but give your ages, there isn't enough time distance between your GF & this guy for them to be friends.  It would make me uncomfortable too because there was no clean break.  Now if you met her 10 years from now & he was still in her life, with no interim hanky panky, at that point I could accept their friendship.

[ShyViolet]

Shes 18.  She's immature.  She clearly does have feelings for this guy.

To be honest, at your ages, the chances of this relationship lasting a long time are nearly zero.  Almost no one is still with the person they were with when they were 18/20.  If she doesn't seem fully committed to you and serious about this relationship, then let her go and move on.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  She doesn't seem mature enough to have a serious relationship.  Really, no one is mature enough for a serious relationship at 18, she's still just a kid.  You have to have realistic expectations.

[smackie9]

The guy isn't the issue here....she's got some immaturity going on here. Dude she's way too immature to understand real relationships. She's still learning and developing mentally. You ain't got time for that. It doesn't feel right because it's not right. I guarantee you, when you two get into a huge fight, she's gonna be on his lap.

[ctdans]

Forget your insecurities for a moment as I think this goes beyond.  Its not about you but I say its about her and how you handle the situation.

The way you wrote this makes it sound like she is still very much in love or lust with the other guy but she can still have a relationship with you.  

Here is the point where I said it is up to how you deal with the situation as she won't change for a very longtime if ever.  She is very young and immature.  She isn't a 40 year old woman with years of real life experience.  You said in her mind people are free to have sex with whomever they want whenever they want.  So to me that means if this other guy sends her a text stating he wants a simple one night stand with her she would be with him as fast as she can get there.  Doesn't mean she would necessarily dump you.  But she would drop whatever you two were doing to get that night with the guy. So if you don't mind being Mr right now rather than Mr. right enjoy your time with her.  Just recognize that this guy will still be in her mind and heart for a very long time.

[usa1ah]

You can’t dictate who she is friends with.

 

You are either ok with it or you find someone else. 
 

It is obvious that if given a chance, she would leave anyone she is with to be with him. So let’s say next week he has the realization that he really does love your girlfriend. Would she leave you for him? I believe she would. 
 

Have you asked her if she would leave you for him if he declared his love for her? I think you should because it will tell you everything you need to know. 
 

There are so many stories where a SO leaves the relationship for the one that got away. 

Edited February 20, 2021 by usa1ah

[Watercolors]

She's too immature and she still is hung up romantically on that guy. You're just a place holder for her. Get out now. 

And date girls your own age. Stay away from high schoolers. They are not fully mentally developed yet. 18 to 20 is a 2 year age gap but like 10 years for emotional maturity. 

[Caauug]

On 1/13/2021 at 11:01 AM, Chazper said:

They slept with each other on two separate occasions, which were both the best sex she had had (until being with me apparently, other than the oral department she admits) and then she tried to get him to go out with her, but he just wanted to be friends.

She set boundaries and stayed friends with him, then before she got into the relationship she was in before me, she asked him out once more, to which he again denied.

She sees him as a top 10 or 20%er..... She will compare everyone to him. You are likely with the rest of us in the lower 80%. He doesn't want to go out with her (he likely has better options) but he will root her, cause he can.

On 1/13/2021 at 11:01 AM, Chazper said:

The way she holds onto it like an achievement and adored him so much

She sees him as you would see sleeping with a "super model" or better.... Likely never to achieve the same or better again. 

Yes, you will be viewed as a lower value male.

On 1/13/2021 at 11:01 AM, Chazper said:

She has a very “sex positive” mindset and thinks everyone should have sex with whoever they want whenever they want, which I don’t necessarily disagree with, 

I think you do disagree.... You sound more traditional she sounds more open or free spirited.

You are both young, enjoy each other while you can. Don't get serious and spoil what you have. You are not a match but that doesn't mean you have to end the R. This is the time to learn about yourself and about her. 

This can be a hard one to learn: History is history and leave it history.  "Cat's out of the bag" now but in your next R try to leave number count and history out of the "Need to know" facts, just avoid all topics leading that way..... Mystery can be sexier that the truth is painful. IMO anyway....

On 1/13/2021 at 11:01 AM, Chazper said:

I don’t want to make it a “choose me or him” scenario.

Don't go there.... If he wanted it to be so, it would. He doesn't want her. Do not fear him, fear her!!!

Take a step back, look at your GF. The chances or your relationship last 2 years is slim, 5 years is nearly impossible, 10 or 20??? lotto would be a better punt. Enjoy her ever day you have her, make the most of it, because tomorrow she may not be there. Think of it as "It's just your turn".

[smackie9]

OP posted once almost two months ago....they are long gone.

[Cookiesandough]

On 1/12/2021 at 10:01 PM, Chazper said:

she was attracted to him and wanted to sleep with him and he felt the same. They slept with each other on two separate occasions, which were both the best sex she had had (until being with me apparently, other than the oral department she admits) and then she tried to get him to go out with her, but he just wanted to be friends.

 

And you should be uncomfortable. The only reason why she isn’t with this guy instead of you is because he friend zoned/sex only zoned her. Don’t let anyone gaslight you. As other said, she has poor boundaries/is immature. 

 

Oopsy just saw Smackie’s post 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes