Needs Space, Hasn't Written Me Off?

[KnightPDX]

So long story short I have been seeing someone for about give months now. She is the type that slowly opens up. Had a really crappy end to a long term relationship and then saw a couple dudes who were losers afterwards that were mainly using her for sex. Anyways, she and I hit it off pretty well and things are good until... I mess up by being an idiot and say something that gets taken out of context on Friday. She is immediately angry and upset with me, so I back off.

On Saturday we exchange a few words, nothing big. On Sunday I contact her to see if we are still going through with our plans for 1/16 and offer alternatives if she wants. She responds with not liking changing plans. She concludes several messages later that she will see, that she is still very upset. I sort of push her to meet in person to talk since its far easier to convey thoughts and feelings in person over text based communication. She comes back with needing time and space.

In guy land, that usually means its over. I push her more and she opts to do a phone call, which we talk for about two hours. She tells me that she has not written me off. She is feeling overwhelmed between work, driving an hour to do barn chores then by the time she gets home, she barely has any time. Her father being very sick, possibly terminal, as also gotten her into a fragile mental state. So after consulting with a friend I opt to back off and give her more space.

Yesterday we talk a little in the morning, everything is good. Today I posted a video of me doing karaoke with a few friends that I live with last night but don't message her. Later in the day she posts on the video. We are likely dancing on Thursday together. Normally I have no issue walking away from something but I genuinely enjoy my time with her and figure it would be worth waiting out to see what happens. Initially I thought there was another guy in the picture but I don't think so based on what I have been told.

Honest question, does it seem like there is any remote shot here? Thoughts? Suggestions? I feel like if anything, will be rebuilding from scratch.

Edited January 13, 2021 by KnightPDX
Adding Context

[littleblackheart]

It sounds like she needs time and space to straighten her life and head out, not time and space from you. 

In person time really is the best way to build communication, that's true. Keep it going however you can until you get there, if it's an option.

I don't think 'time and space' means back off; I interpret it to mean 'go much slower and let me sort out the mess I'm in'. 

The idea of starting on a clean slate isn't a bad one. There's obviously something there between the two of you, neither of you wants to let it go. It depends on what each of you is willing to take on, in the end. 

 

 

[MRSR31]

You are too close and have a worried mind so I will affirm what appears to be the obvious. The girl has a grown up life and is facing the trauma of the loss of a parent.

In general you are young and passionate and prone to wrecking things. The man's achilles is pride. I recommend you welcome risk at the expense of saving face. We don't get to go back. 

Do something thoughtful for her. Send her a flower or nine.💝

[KnightPDX]

Just now, littleblackheart said:

It sounds like she needs time and space to straighten her life and head out, not time and space from you. 

In person time really is the best way to build communication, that's true. Keep it going however you can until you get there, if it's an option.

I don't think 'time and space' means back off; I interpret it to mean 'go much slower and let me sort out the mess I'm in'. 

The idea of starting on a clean slate isn't a bad one. There's obviously something there between the two of you, neither of you wants to let it go. It depends on what each of you is willing to take on, in the end. 

 

 

She did mention how she has projects that she has put off for months due to lack of time as well. During our call I did offer to help her. She did also voice some concern about me walking out of her life during the call as well. We built a bunch via the in person interaction. I have my fingers crossed that she is going to follow through on going to the event on Saturday with me. 

 

Just now, MRSR31 said:

You are too close and have a worried mind so I will affirm what appears to be the obvious. The girl has a grown up life and is facing the trauma of the loss of a parent.

In general you are young and passionate and prone to wrecking things. The man's achilles is pride. I recommend you welcome risk at the expense of saving face. We don't get to go back. 

Do something thoughtful for her. Send her a flower or nine.💝

Its honestly hard to not message her frequently as we had been doing before, this change is awkward for me. I do have a worried mind to an extent, though I keep myself busy she is on my mind. Our gyms opened back up yesterday and I plan on working out again to help maintain a healthy mindset that way too.

Ironically she is not fond of real flowers, more so the plastic ones. She says its because they eventually die, lol. I agree on the pride aspect and its a thin line it feels like between being respectful of her and also being overbearing or smothering. 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, KnightPDX said:

... I mess up by being an idiot and say something that gets taken out of context on Friday. 

It all depends on what was said and why it upset her. You're getting the cold shoulder and busy signal now.

Don't crowd her. Try to make the date fun, if she agrees to go.

It's doubtful postings videos of you and your friends at clubs is endearing her to you, particularly since she mentioned some major stressors in her life.

[KnightPDX]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It all depends on what was said and why it upset her. You're getting the cold shoulder and busy signal now.

Don't crowd her. Try to make the date fun, if she agrees to go.

It's doubtful postings videos of you and your friends at clubs is endearing her to you, particularly since she mentioned some major stressors in her life.

When we first started talking she asked if I like to sing, which I told her I don't have much of a singing voice so not usually. Honestly I do it when its karaoke and I have had a little liquid courage if that makes sense. But the video is at home with some friends (roomies) and we are doing it there, not out at any clubs or anything.

[salparadise]

She is doing the push-pull mindphukk game on you. When she tells you she needs time and space, give her more than she could possibly have imagined and don't look back. Being on the end of a rubber band is BS. 

[d0nnivain]

She needs support from you not space.  Take something off her plate.  Offer to meet her to help with the barn chores.  She gets done when she has to get done.  You get some time together & you get a chance to show her you care. 

Backing off tells her you were a "good time Charlie" not interested when it's tough.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, KnightPDX said:

.. I mess up by being an idiot and say something that gets taken out of context on Friday. She is immediately angry and upset with me, so I back off.

What did you say?

[chillii]

She has a lot on her plate and she's tried to tell you all about it. Of course you could just stop thinking of your over needy self and being such a pest and give her the time and mental space she needs right now while still being there. Or yeah , offer to help with something. . Hard to tell how much you mean to her but if you keep pushin right now she'll probably crack anyway and give you the boot.

[KnightPDX]

Quick update:

Decided to initiate this morning to confirm dance time and ask how she was doing. Said that she wasn't doing great because her dad is dying. She feels that is the route things are going based on his rapid deterioration that he has experienced in the last month in particular, though family doesn't have test results indicating anything specific yet pertaining to a terminal diagnosis. She said that she doesn't know how to handle the situation because she has never lost a human that is close to her like this. 

Made the offer to help handle barn chores for her if she ends up needing more time to spend with family since they soak up a considerable amount of her time. Got a simple 'ok' in response, so we will see. Things sadly don't look good for her father right now and the pain he is experiencing is very stressful for her.

Aside from that we had some casual and fun convo as well however. It was a little surprising how responsive she was today. Giving her massages was always one of the routine things I did for her when we were hanging out so if things at dance go fine and it feels right, I might drop an offer to work on her shoulders or back since she usually has some pretty notable knots going in those places. 

Guess tomorrow will be more revealing since it'll have been the first time seeing each other since this whole thing began on Sunday. 

[MRSR31]

See that OP. Her feelings are obfuscated by the situation with her dad.

You did good offering to handle the barn chores. Her response of "ok" again case in point for competing interest. Death of parent wins over romance; rightly so. 

Remember your timeline for her recovery or processing is irrelevant. There is no standard.

I think you are a very nice boy friend. 

[KnightPDX]

15 minutes ago, MRSR31 said:

See that OP. Her feelings are obfuscated by the situation with her dad.

You did good offering to handle the barn chores. Her response of "ok" again case in point for competing interest. Death of parent wins over romance; rightly so. 

Remember your timeline for her recovery or processing is irrelevant. There is no standard.

I think you are a very nice boy friend. 

The feeling of helplessness and dread is pretty horrible. When my grandmother was in the process of passing I pretty much put my life mostly on hold as well. Got fingers crossed for some good news though, it would be some much needed positivity for her.

Asked her what she is up to this evening and she is trying out wood burning, which was one of the projects she had put on hold previously. Pretty cool seeing the work in the picture she sent. She would like to sell some of her work someday when she gets good enough. Side income from doing something you love is pretty hard to beat.

[MRSR31]

It's nice to see how genuine your feelings are. 

[KnightPDX]

Another Update: Today was interesting...

Normally she cleans her horses stall, home to shower then off to dance but she had a chance to make some side money helping a friend assemble some furniture so she asked if I could go out to the barn and clean her horses stall for her. Got that done so she could go make a little extra cash. However seeing each other was a little weird initially...

She gave a small hug and we exchanged some small talk. She was understandably pretty guarded and tense. We talked about a handful of things including the projects she is working on right now which was a subject that seemed like a highlight for her. It was cool seeing some of the wood burning projects she has been doing!

We danced together near the end of the night then one more time in the parking lot when I asked after the place closed. Pulled a surprise dance move on her and she said she might have to strangle me, I dared her to and she grabbed my neck kind of playfully. 

She also confirmed that she will be going up with me on Saturday to an event that we had planned on originally before things went south for us. The goodbye hug was a little bigger but she is definitely pretty fragile right now and it pains me to see her like that.

Despite a kind of awkward first time, it was good seeing her again. Also pretty glad that she is willing to lean on me a little for help right now if it helps ease things up for her since she as so much on her plate. That side money she made today will be pretty helpful for paying bills. 

All in all though, it was good seeing her be able to smile on the dance floor. She is usually pretty happy swing dancing and that was a shred of positivity for her in a really stressful point in her life.

[Wiseman2]

It was kind of you to help her out. She seems overwhelmed with her father's illness, finances trying to do the horse chores and trying to make a living.

She has a tractor trailer of stress on her plate. Maybe she's not in a place to date, maybe your light-heartedness comes as a respite from her stress.

[KnightPDX]

Well yesterday was pretty interesting and fun with her. Met up and I drove us up. She started off kind of guarded again but opened up more and updated me about her father. Cancer has spread to is lungs, there is no prognosis yet though about what to expect. Her brother is getting married next September and since they don't expect her father to be around then, they'll be holding a mini private wedding at home with just very immediate family for a ceremony to him to take part in. I offered to photograph it for them no charge, she will let me know. I do pro equine photography but have handled weddings in the past. Having those picture memories down the road would be a big deal.

We get to the event, I introduce her to some bulls and cows. Introduce her to a handful of friends. Asks why I am not being super social with other folks and well its obviously an evening meant for hanging out with her instead. After joking about how one guy had a cute butt she told me that while she is technically single, this is my one and only chance. I had to clarify if she meant today or just in general. She said that she is still mad and upset, but she is giving me a chance. Told her I won't let her down, she said that the last guy said that (who she was seeing that she split it off with a few months before meeting me, he was pretty out of touch and dense), and I told her that I am not him.

She had a lot of fun watching the bulls. Went and hit up a small after party at a local tavern afterwards. Had some food, a couple drinks, she joked about how I should go try to hit on the obvious homewrecker in the bar, ha. We danced a handful of times and she showed me a new move she hadn't taught me yet. Overall things felt a little awkward at first but got better as the night went on. 

It was nice seeing her smiling like that given all of the negativity and stresses she is handling right now in life. Hopefully she ended the day on a better note than where she started.

[lovesflame]

On 1/12/2021 at 11:51 PM, MRSR31 said:

You are too close and have a worried mind so I will affirm what appears to be the obvious. The girl has a grown up life and is facing the trauma of the loss of a parent.

In general you are young and passionate and prone to wrecking things. The man's achilles is pride. I recommend you welcome risk at the expense of saving face. We don't get to go back. 

Do something thoughtful for her. Send her a flower or nine.💝

This is truly great advice

[KnightPDX]

2 hours ago, lovesflame said:

This is truly great advice

It was great advice for our situation because it helped encourage me to take a little risk and be more actively in contact with her than I would have initially thought I should be. It feels like she appreciates it, to an extent. Though what is odd about her behavior is sometimes when she is short with me in messages, I start to back off or get short with her as well to start giving more space. If she gives me an 'ok', I will just respond with a thumbs up on messenger. Usually she will then respond with something else to keep the convo going rather than let it die off when the ball is left in her court at that point. 

[lovesflame]

8 minutes ago, KnightPDX said:

It was great advice for our situation because it helped encourage me to take a little risk and be more actively in contact with her than I would have initially thought I should be. It feels like she appreciates it, to an extent. Though what is odd about her behavior is sometimes when she is short with me in messages, I start to back off or get short with her as well to start giving more space. If she gives me an 'ok', I will just respond with a thumbs up on messenger. Usually she will then respond with something else to keep the convo going rather than let it die off when the ball is left in her court at that point. 

Yea you have to make an effort to make anything work . How old are you ?

and her ?

maybe that will help . You have to keep texting her if you want it to go somewhere and then get more deeply involved like in her needs and wants and dreams and who she is as a person . I forgot .

also her stresses are a lot right now so she needs to know you are solid and reliable and trustworthy so you won’t stress her more .

also she wants to make sure you’re not a jerk .

also my advice now from experience if she’s stressed be helpful but tend to yourself and your own boundaries too.

often I found myself trying to solve women’s problems and that actually makes a bad relationship and they don’t want that anyways because it makes people feel ashamed and horrribke . 
try to just have fun and be supportive and let her know you’re a solid reliable and decent person 

[KnightPDX]

10 minutes ago, lovesflame said:

Yea you have to make an effort to make anything work . How old are you ?

and her ?

maybe that will help . You have to keep texting her if you want it to go somewhere and then get more deeply involved like in her needs and wants and dreams and who she is as a person . I forgot .

also her stresses are a lot right now so she needs to know you are solid and reliable and trustworthy so you won’t stress her more .

also she wants to make sure you’re not a jerk .

also my advice now from experience if she’s stressed be helpful but tend to yourself and your own boundaries too.

often I found myself trying to solve women’s problems and that actually makes a bad relationship and they don’t want that anyways because it makes people feel ashamed and horrribke . 
try to just have fun and be supportive and let her know you’re a solid reliable and decent person 

I'm 31, she is 29. 

She has been a little more open with me. Originally I thought there was another guy in the picture... But based on what I know so far that doesn't seem to be the case, or so I feel that way. 

I can understand her being still angry at me. She has alot on the table right now and it is very taxing on her mentally and emotionally. Its difficult right now having gone from doing everything together, spending nights with her and such to suddenly nothing. Initially I went into panic mode and it was hard to not be smothering or annoying. 

Its difficult right now in particular because I want to be outgoing and supportive, but this situation requires moderation to not overwhelm or push her away further. 

[lovesflame]

Yea man you are trying your best . You’re being understanding and caring . What more can you do in life ?

 I know it’s hard to adjust to the difference.

just keep being there while not adding stress and be honest about your needs too. Because she is stressed but you matter too

[KnightPDX]

Just now, lovesflame said:

Yea man you are trying your best . You’re being understanding and caring . What more can you do in life ?

 I know it’s hard to adjust to the difference.

just keep being there while not adding stress and be honest about your needs too. Because she is stressed but you matter too

My main thing I needed from her was the assurance that I am not wasting my time chasing something that is not an option but given her language, willingness to lean on me for help if she needs it, vocally telling me that she is giving me a chance here is enough to have me cautiously optimistic that in the long run, there is potential for us to rekindle things. 

If its a situation where there was no hope, while I have no issue being supportive of her, I also would need to back off in the way that I treat her as well in the sense of nothing romantic or flirty at all. Last night she threw out the suggestion on a hike as well that we could do together when things are nicer outside, which I agreed to. 

She is a good person, very genuine and down to earth. I feel bad being limited in the ways that I can be supportive of her because I really want to lift her up. Its hard watching people you care about suffer.

[lovesflame]

On 1/17/2021 at 9:51 PM, KnightPDX said:

My main thing I needed from her was the assurance that I am not wasting my time chasing something that is not an option but given her language, willingness to lean on me for help if she needs it, vocally telling me that she is giving me a chance here is enough to have me cautiously optimistic that in the long run, there is potential for us to rekindle things. 

If its a situation where there was no hope, while I have no issue being supportive of her, I also would need to back off in the way that I treat her as well in the sense of nothing romantic or flirty at all. Last night she threw out the suggestion on a hike as well that we could do together when things are nicer outside, which I agreed to. 

She is a good person, very genuine and down to earth. I feel bad being limited in the ways that I can be supportive of her because I really want to lift her up. Its hard watching people you care about suffer.

Yes it is hard watching them suffer. You are a great guy honestly from one man to another .

I also like seeking reassurance and if that’s your personality that’s fine too. She gave you some as you said but also she wants no pressure 

so all you can do is expect nothing in return besides friendship for now.

she will probably end up sleeping with you again down the line . 
 

if not then at least you went in some hikes .

 I really just hope you can deal with the uncertainty and if you can’t then be true to you and don’t be her friend 

[KnightPDX]

3 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Yes it is hard watching them suffer. You are a great guy honestly from one man to another .

I also like seeking reassurance and if that’s your personality that’s fine too. She gave you some as you said but also she wants no pressure 

so all you can do is expect nothing in return besides friendship for now.

she will probably end up sleeping with you again down the line . 
 

if not then at least you went in some hikes .

 I really just hope you can deal with the uncertainty and if you can’t then be true to you and don’t be her friend 

Part of our routine was that once a week, I would go down to visit her at work on her lunch break. I'd bring food down with me, usually on Wednesdays. The last couple of weeks she wouldn't let me do that but on Monday she said she would be fine with me stopping by for lunch. Timing didn't work out though and since I am busy this week, she let me just drop lunch off in her car on Tuesday instead. Honestly that was always one of the fun things we did together.

Earlier today I asked if she wanted to go to an upcoming event and she said yes which will be next month. I'm going out solo camping this weekend in the desert while she has a birthday get together with her family this coming weekend. Threw out the suggestion that she should come down with me on the next trip I take (because we had previously done adventures and camping together) and she just replied with "maybe". Yea, it probably means more likely no than yes right now but hey, its better than an outright no.

We both like to go out into these super rural and desolate places and explore a bit. Our adventure styles are slightly different but we find some pretty cool stuff regardless on those trips. I'll see her tomorrow though at dance at least before I leave town on Friday. She is sort of off and on talkative right now. Usually I initiate but on occasion she initiates as well. Hopefully she has a good birthday get together with her family, I know that would be some positivity in her life that is much needed right now.