Jasmine Wolf Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 (edited) My bf of 5 years has given up on us recently. He came about saying things like it will be not fair to include me in his burden as an eldest child to his family. This guy has told me years ago that he intends to marry me someday. Now, he is unsure of his own life and the way it should go. He told me his own parents does not intend for him to be married at all cost because if he does they will not be taken care of as they get older. I broke-down and said a lot of things I've looked forward to over the years and said some things that I didn't mean too and he told me that the way I reacted is proof that his family and me are two separate things in his life that he can't have together. He told me I have grown so much as an individual and I no longer need his presence. I don't need him, but I just choose him to be my partner flaws and all. I believe in him and know that someday he will be successful in his own way but it seems like he doesn't believe in himself and us anymore. I do not know what to do. I want him. Edited January 13, 2021 by Jasmine Wolf Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 47 minutes ago, Jasmine Wolf said: My bf of 5 years has given up on us recently. He came about saying things like it will be not fair to include me in his burden as an eldest child to his family. This guy has told me years ago that he intends to marry me someday. Now, he is unsure of his own life and the way it should go. He told me his own parents does not intend for him to be married at all cost because if he does they will not be taken care of as they get older. I broke-down and said a lot of things I've looked forward to over the years and said some things that I didn't mean too and he told me that the way I reacted is proof that his family and me are two separate things in his life that he can't have together. He told me I have grown so much as an individual and I no longer need his presence. I don't need him, but I just choose him to be my partner flaws and all. I believe in him and know that someday he will be successful in his own way but it seems like he doesn't believe in himself and us anymore. I do not know what to do. I want him. Sorry this happened. Are you from different cultures? Did you live together? How old is he? It's odd he's known his family traditions and obligations all along, but you thought marriage was in the future? Did this break-up and sudden emphasis on family obligations come after arguing about commitment? Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why does he think you're not compatible with his family? Would it be typical in his culture that a daughter-in-law looks after the elders? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jasmine Wolf Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Are you from different cultures? Did you live together? How old is he? It's odd he's known his family traditions and obligations all along, but you thought marriage was in the future? Did this break-up and sudden emphasis on family obligations come after arguing about commitment? Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why does he think you're not compatible with his family? Would it be typical in his culture that a daughter-in-law looks after the elders? I am 30 this year and he will be turning 35. Culturally we both are from the same race. I am an only child and raised by mixed raced parents so i am exposed to his culture (which is similar to my dad’s). And also my mom’s which is pretty different. Ultimately, as i grow older my folks grew much more independant and intends for me to be my own person. My folks are way more older than his btw and mom is an immigrant. We started living together 2 years ago. It was with the intention to live closer to our workplace. As for his family, they are the least traditional when i met them. With both their sons involved in western subcultures that is not a norm for people of their community. It is possible that these traits got me convinced that these folks are independent with a steady head on their shoulders and would allow their children to pave their own way of life. In fact, he talks highly of how lucky he is to have an understanding mom. They might not be financially well-off but i always had faith that he will find a way to build his own life and sort/ look after his folks. And yes all these issues arise when i asked about our future together and if there was a mere possibility. No he does not have an arranged marriage as he mentioned that his mom could not imagine him being married at all and neglecting her. He said this and it is not my intention to be mean. He literally said that this is what triggered his uncertainty about his own future. He thinks I am too “firm” and his family will just crumble if he had to build a life with me separate from them. I’ve recently grew a little ahead of him career-wise and he thinks with all my only child burdens and a ever-growing career, I would never be the kind of person to figure out a co-existance with his family. Culture was not the essence of his family from my understanding and now it suddenly is. Edited January 13, 2021 by Jasmine Wolf Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 2 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: Culture was not the essence of his family from my understanding and now it suddenly is. Then my guess would be that it's not the real reason he's ending it. If this family issue is all coming out of the blue after 5 years together, it is more likely that he doesn't see a future with you but wants to blame his family instead of being honest with you. I am sensing that he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore and doesn't have the heart to tell you that. So, he couches this break-up as a family problem, figuring that you can't really argue against that and try to change his mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jasmine Wolf Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Then my guess would be that it's not the real reason he's ending it. If this family issue is all coming out of the blue after 5 years together, it is more likely that he doesn't see a future with you but wants to blame his family instead of being honest with you. I am sensing that he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore and doesn't have the heart to tell you that. So, he couches this break-up as a family problem, figuring that you can't really argue against that and try to change his mind. I just wish I knew why. That was 5 prime years of my life that he has decided to let waste. Neither do I know what have I done to deserve this. Edited January 13, 2021 by Jasmine Wolf Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Jasmine Wolf said: I just wish I knew why. That was 5 prime years of my life that he has decided to let waste. Neither do I know what have I done to deserve this. I'm not sure that's a fair way to frame things, though I understand why you feel like that right now. By that line of thinking, every relationship that doesn't work is a waste of time? I would argue that this isn't usually the case. We learn a lot, we gain experiences (both the good and bad), we can better identify what we want or don't want out of a relationship. As such, I doubt he had any intention of wasting your time. He likely had sincere intentions for quite a while. But, relationships and feelings can change. Couples sometimes drift apart, or what we thought we once wanted has changed. It doesn't mean the other party was lying about how they felt previously. Nor does it mean you "deserve" a break-up - that would imply that he's actively trying to punish or hurt you, which I think you would agree isn't true, either. Break-ups hurt, without any doubt. They can take a long time to process and recover from. And someday you will probably see that if his heart wasn't in this anymore, for whatever reason, it was actually kinder in the end to let you go. For what it's worth, the twenties aren't necessarily your prime years, either. I'm 39 now, and can say my thirties have actually been way better than my twenties, for many reasons. Relationship-wise included. Edited January 13, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 3 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: I am 30 this year and he will be turning 35.....We started living together 2 years ago. You still have time. 39 minutes ago, Jasmine Wolf said: That was 5 prime years of my life that he has decided to let waste. He has decided to waste? I thought you were in the relationship also? It's not a waste to end it now when one partner is unsure of the future. It's a waste with a decade of unhappy marriage, infidelity's, and entrapment with children.... 45 minutes ago, Jasmine Wolf said: I just wish I knew why. ….Neither do I know what have I done to deserve this. He has his reasons and is using the story of his family to cover. It really doesn't matter, he doesn't want to continue. You had best move on. What do you deserve? You got 5 years of happiness out of him in the prime of your life (your words)…. Were you entitled to something more? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 3 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: Culture was not the essence of his family from my understanding and now it suddenly is. It seems to me that this is not uncommon. Heritage, tradition, culture, parental and family obligations and the idea of "correct" future legacies come to the fore, and that often means a SO from a different "group" can be seen as incompatible. They tend to get jettisoned in favour of someone else who "fits in" better. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: He told me his own parents does not intend for him to be married at all cost because if he does they will not be taken care of as they get older. You need to get them all to see this differently. If you marry, they aren't loosing a son /caretaker. They are gaining a daughter / 2nd caretaker. If you can't change the mindset you need to break up with him before you waste 5 more weeks. Edited January 13, 2021 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jasmine Wolf Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You need to get them all to see this differently. If you marry, they aren't loosing a son /caretaker. They are gaining a daughter / 2nd caretaker. If you can't change the mindset you need to break up with him before you waste 5 more weeks. I’ve done more than I should for them to know that I am not going to allow him to neglect them. But it seems like the more I assisted, the less I am part of this. Despite everything I am personally going through. I have time and time again came through for them. I have encouraged him to be more responsible over the years. In fact pushed him to improve their welfare and figure out their needs. I’ve even set his intentions straight to forgive his father who he had no relationship with but only bitterness. It was never my intention to ever take him away from his folks but I believe every child should deserve a right to build their life/relationship/families someday. And it should not mean that they are neglecting their parents when they do so. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Have you ever done any direct care for them, even cooking them a meal? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jasmine Wolf Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 1 hour ago, Caauug said: You still have time. He has decided to waste? I thought you were in the relationship also? It's not a waste to end it now when one partner is unsure of the future. It's a waste with a decade of unhappy marriage, infidelity's, and entrapment with children.... He has his reasons and is using the story of his family to cover. It really doesn't matter, he doesn't want to continue. You had best move on. What do you deserve? You got 5 years of happiness out of him in the prime of your life (your words)…. Were you entitled to something more? I wish i knew what I am entitled of given i have never thought that this could end. Just thought that we hit ruts, the ups and downs and eventually we could somehow figure things out. Given we believes that we both entered this relationship at more certain and mature stage of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jasmine Wolf Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Have you ever done any direct care for them, even cooking them a meal? I have tended to housework and cleaning. Even setting new items because no one not even him knew how to. I prepared food for special occasions but his mom’s kitchen is one place i would not intrude unless i am asked to. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Well then if you tried & were rebuffed, what else can you do but walk away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 All the stuff that he is saying about his family might not be the real reason, it might just be an excuse. Regardless, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. So you have no choice but to accept it and move on. I don't like when people say that the relationship was a "waste of time" or they are "throwing away the past five years" just because the relationship is ending now. That's not how life works. When two people enter into a relationship, there is no guarantee that it will last forever. It can be a worthy use of the time even if it doesn't last forever, even if it ends at some point. You learn things and grow as a person through each relationship that you go through. You are 30, you are very young and you have a lot of time to move on and have future relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 7 minutes ago, Jasmine Wolf said: I wish i knew what I am entitled of given i have never thought that this could end. Just thought that we hit ruts, the ups and downs and eventually we could somehow figure things out. Given we believes that we both entered this relationship at more certain and mature stage of life. Not always a mature stage is life is better. Sometimes growing with your SO leads to a stronger bond. It doesn't really matter, he says the relationship is finished so it's time to move on. Who's the next in your friend zone? Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 7 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: My bf of 5 years has given up on us recently. He came about saying things like it will be not fair to include me in his burden as an eldest child to his family. This guy has told me years ago that he intends to marry me someday. Now, he is unsure of his own life and the way it should go. He told me his own parents does not intend for him to be married at all cost because if he does they will not be taken care of as they get older. I broke-down and said a lot of things I've looked forward to over the years and said some things that I didn't mean too and he told me that the way I reacted is proof that his family and me are two separate things in his life that he can't have together. He told me I have grown so much as an individual and I no longer need his presence. I don't need him, but I just choose him to be my partner flaws and all. I believe in him and know that someday he will be successful in his own way but it seems like he doesn't believe in himself and us anymore. I do not know what to do. I want him. The guy doesn't want you. 5 years is nothing. It's much better to get dumped after 5 years than after 20 years. You're still very young and you still have a lot of time to meet men who are looking for the same things that you are looking for. His parents don't want him to get married? is he from one of those cultures where the parents own their adult sons like property? Yeah, if that's the case, you might want to consider dating men who are treated like human beings by their own parents. I can understand that, you want him, but wanting something and getting it, more often than not, doesn't happen. Move on with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 9 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: My bf of 5 years has given up on us recently. He came about saying things like it will be not fair to include me in his burden as an eldest child to his family. This guy has told me years ago that he intends to marry me someday. Now, he is unsure of his own life and the way it should go. He told me his own parents does not intend for him to be married at all cost because if he does they will not be taken care of as they get older. I broke-down and said a lot of things I've looked forward to over the years and said some things that I didn't mean too and he told me that the way I reacted is proof that his family and me are two separate things in his life that he can't have together. He told me I have grown so much as an individual and I no longer need his presence. I don't need him, but I just choose him to be my partner flaws and all. I believe in him and know that someday he will be successful in his own way but it seems like he doesn't believe in himself and us anymore. I do not know what to do. I want him. Wanted to marry you 5 years ago? What's the hold up? I understand being patient but if he said something like that I think it's ok to press him on the issue. I don't think he had any intention of marrying you and he's blaming it on the parents. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 7 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: I just wish I knew why. That was 5 prime years of my life that he has decided to let waste. Neither do I know what have I done to deserve this. He doesn't owe you anything. In his mind he wasted the same 5 years. Anyone out of a relationship can look back and say it was a waste or they can look at the positives that came out of it. I suggest you try looking at it from a more healthy perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jasmine Wolf Posted January 13, 2021 Author Share Posted January 13, 2021 Everything that happened took me by surprise eventhough he has been acting uninterested for some time now mostly because the pandemic has cause our lives to be circled around work and an exhausting routine. I will leave him if that is what he wants. But the most hurtful part is that he said it’s over and does not want me to leave either. He wants me to take the place that we rented. He tells me he can’t imagine a life without me guiding him. Because i showed him what true responsibility is. He cried to me in fear that he will grow old still living with his parents and have no future growth. If he is fearful of all that why couldn’t he take his time to process and figure himself out. Instead of jumping on the facr that his life is over so I need to be out of it? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 I see a lot of posts on here where the advice given by many is to walk away. I don’t always agree with these comments but your post. I have to say this is the first time I feel like yelling... ‘WALK AWAY ASAP. You need to do a 180 right away and start NC. This will give you time to process what you want and give him the reality check that you have a choice in wanting to be in the relationship as much as him. Take back your power. Don’t let him walk all over you. Don’t settle for someone who is not 100% sure. If he has been distant for a while then all the more reason to say bye bye. I know it is earth shattering. I have been there and wasted years hanging on for no benefit. Once you find yourself again you will see that you were not as happy as you think you are/were. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 5 hours ago, Jasmine Wolf said: Everything that happened took me by surprise eventhough he has been acting uninterested for some time now mostly because the pandemic has cause our lives to be circled around work and an exhausting routine. This may have been only somewhat related to the pandemic, OP. It sounds like he feels very guilty for hurting you and essentially blindsiding you, but this has likely been coming for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jasmine Wolf Posted January 14, 2021 Author Share Posted January 14, 2021 19 hours ago, Azincourt said: The guy doesn't want you. 5 years is nothing. It's much better to get dumped after 5 years than after 20 years. You're still very young and you still have a lot of time to meet men who are looking for the same things that you are looking for. His parents don't want him to get married? is he from one of those cultures where the parents own their adult sons like property? Yeah, if that's the case, you might want to consider dating men who are treated like human beings by their own parents. I can understand that, you want him, but wanting something and getting it, more often than not, doesn't happen. Move on with your life. I am not certain if that’s 100% the case. But his mom can’t imagine a life without her son by her side and to her marriage will make it seem like they will be neglected. The folks no longer have income or any retirement funds or property for that matter. So i believe the worry stems from that. However, I always knew and will assist to ensure he allocates resources correctly to ensure his folks are always taken care of. They are still going strong and still have each other. So somehow they should have a level of independence to carry on and manage their own household with the their children’s help and funding of course. I just could not see how I could disrupt that in any way as I have my own set of responsibilities and don’t intend to get in the way of that. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 48 minutes ago, Jasmine Wolf said: I just could not see how I could disrupt that in any way as I have my own set of responsibilities and don’t intend to get in the way of that. This is why I think he's using this seemingly-sudden family opposition as an excuse, Jasmine. Link to post Share on other sites
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