Should I Leave?

[HunterC1993]

Hello, it's my first post here and the forum looks great.

I've been going through quite a turbulent time in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year now.

She had been engaged, had a house and all of that just prior to us meeting online. She claims she was cheated on by her fiancé. She had only been single for a matter of a month or so before we connected.

Anyway. The relationship has been by far the most challenging that I have ever been in.

We started well. Full of spark, romance, the whole thing. She was very attached early,  and things went from 0 to 100 very quickly. I went along with it, and I regret it at that pace.

As time went on, I got to know her and see her a lot more. We got on well, however mental health issues such as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which her doctor believes she has, though no formal diagnosis, has taken its toll. She's had a hard childhood, and has some issues from her past which she refuses to speak to counsellors/psychologists about. 

We began to argue a lot. I felt like fights would happen out of nowhere. If plans change or if it didn't fit what she wanted, it would be a fight. I am a happy and positive person, but that began to change when the fighting and 'smart' remarks would come from her out of nowhere. 

Anyway, simple things have become fights. The other night, I went out with my buddies who I had not seen in a while and I said to my girlfriend (who was working at the time and in the opposite direction) that I can ask her for a lift if needed, as she insisted she would pick me up. It worked out that one of my buddies fiancé' was able to pick us up. I thought, great! It will save my girlfriend a travel trip out here. How wrong I was. It snowballed and I was the worst person ever for daring to change the plans she had in her mind. I had phone calls, messages... all saying that I do not care about her and her feelings as a result of her wanting to pick me up. 

A week later, there is still a lot of resentment built up from me as I have seen how small things become a big fight. We've been fighting the last few days, and the theme throughout this relationship is she feels that she is the victim in everything.

At first I would bite my tongue and let her get away with the tantrums and snide remarks, now I take her up on it and stand up for myself - which ends up in an argument and escalation.

I don't know what to do. I love this girl, however she has gotten to the point she has asked for gifts back that I had received from her if we break up.. She went even as far as to lie to me and say she spoke to my ex-partner and apparently my 'ex' was very critical of me.. This turned out to be a lie. Little things like house-work that has never been an issue is now an issue from her and she 

I feel it is becoming almost dangerous. Whenever I walk out of leave in an argument to get space, I get inundated with calls, messages.. and Even today after 3-4 days of fighting she would not accept the fact that I wanted the afternoon to myself to get a breather and have space (we had a plan to see her family nearby, but I told her I wasn't going to go due to everything occurring).

If I want my own space, I get breakups over text messages.. the whole thing.

She always comes back around and says she wants to work it out etc. But I feel I am in constant loop and feel like I have been gaslighted a lot of the time. 

I am sick of the fighting. And in a few months time I will have my own house. I am a bit fearful if she moves in, as she will then be entitled to a portion of it (as per laws) and I just don't know how stable it will be.

[Acacia98]

Yes. Leave. Get out. That is the only reasonable thing to do under the circumstances. 

The big plus is that you're thinking very clearly. You see her behavior for what it is.

The real challenge is how you resist getting sucked back in once you do leave. Have you thought about that?

[salparadise]

Yes, you need to end this right now. BPD is serious, and everything you've said is characteristic of it. There is really no decision to make here; everything is always going to be your fault and there will be constant drama. Just cut it off and give back the stuff so there's no reason for any further contact. Be kind but firm, no dithering.

[HunterC1993]

44 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Yes. Leave. Get out. That is the only reasonable thing to do under the circumstances. 

The big plus is that you're thinking very clearly. You see her behavior for what it is.

The real challenge is how you resist getting sucked back in once you do leave. Have you thought about that?

Thank you for the reply!

The little things like making an issue out of me getting a lift home with friends, as well as now house work is just getting to me.

The other night I was helping her with it (as I stay with her often) and it was getting late. She told me to go to bed and she will finish what’s left. I went to bed, and I received a message saying “Have a sweet sleep while I am busting my ass doing this house work that you’re not doing”.

The old me would’ve probably let it go. But I took her to task over it and low and behold, it became a fight and me being in the wrong..

In response to your question - it’s hard, because she always says let’s just say sorry and move on and try and love each other the way we should. 

The issue with that is, it won’t solve anything. 
 

 

32 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Yes, you need to end this right now. BPD is serious, and everything you've said is characteristic of it. There is really no decision to make here; everything is always going to be your fault and there will be constant drama. Just cut it off and give back the stuff so there's no reason for any further contact. Be kind but firm, no dithering.

It is all the traits of BPD.

Fear of abandoning is the worst. The other night she asked me to leave in the argument a few times. And I left. I came back, and her attitude was still horrendous towards me.

Then, I left. 30 missed calls, messages.. all begging me to come back. 
I’m the worst person in the world for leaving apparently. Even though it was to get space and a breather - which I had told her.

It’s very up and down. And unfortunately I’m always left with resentment even when we “move on” from the issues.

I just think it’s gotten to the point of real nastiness especially lying about meeting up with my ex girlfriend and speaking about me..

[elaine567]

If we forget about the BPD, a woman who has been cheated on by her fiancé is going to have major  trust issues.
Unfortunately instead of taking time to process and heal she went straight into a relationship with you..
You are essentially the rebound.
She wants you to be exactly like her ex minus the cheating... you are not matching up hence the fighting and finding fault.
Her fear of abandonment keeps her in a place she is unhappy in.

The lift incident.
As she has trust issues I guess she struggled with allowing you to go out alone, but that was somewhat ameliorated by the fact she offered to go pick you up. By being there at the end, she was making her presence as "the girlfriend" known and it would have been impossible for you to go home with some other woman.
But you spoiled the plan by getting a lift with the friends fiancée.
You took any control she had out of her hands and she may have even thought this was a shady act, designed to cover up some wrong doing.
Remember she has been lied to before by someone she trusted. 
Hence the blowing up over "nothing", but to her it was not "nothing".

The housework incident.
NO woman really means it when she tells her SO that it is OK he can go to bed and she will do it all by herself...
She told you to go to bed but she actually wanted you to insist, "NO, that is not fair to you,  I will help you tidy up and clean".
You, snoring away, showed her you were quite happy for her to do all the work hence the upset and angry text... 

Edited January 13, 2021 by elaine567
Typo

[d0nnivain]

Yes you should end this.  You can't have a lifetime of this.  She will get worse not better

[HunterC1993]

Quote

 Thanks for the replies everyone.

As for the house work incident, I did help and it wasn’t a matter of me just going to bed to sleep. A lot of effort was made there and me repeatedly asking what she would like me to help with - as she has specific things which needed to be done.

Well, since the original post - things have gone very sour.

This morning she set a time she wanted to talk and I already had plans which she knew about that I couldn’t change. My plans ended up changing, and I said I’d be happy to see her for lunch / lunch time. 

She went on to say that she was now going out at lunch time to see family. And then the conversation became very directed at me to suggest that I had been doing other things apparently more important than “fixing” the relationship. 
 

So, based on me not going over there when she wanted me there as of this morning, I apparently don’t value the relationship and she’s broken it off with me over message.

She’s broken it off, yet is still saying all she wants to do is fix it etc.

It’s extremely draining to say the least. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, HunterC1993 said:

  I apparently don’t value the relationship and she’s broken it off with me over message.

Sorry this happened. Leave it at this.  It's not working out, you resent each other too much and it's devolved into passive aggressive games .

Give this a lot of space and reflect on what you want in a relationship.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex-boyfriend suffers from BPD - diagnosed (twice, by two different psychiatrists), but refused treatment. 

If that's what you're dealing with here, (and I agree there are a lot of hallmarks of it), this is not going to improve. It will likely get worse - much worse - as she apparently doesn't want to seek help. 

So yes, you need to leave. She was too fresh out of her previous relationship to have started dating you, and she clearly struggles with underlying, untreated mental health issues. If you're looking for a stable, peaceful life, you're not going to find it here. 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, HunterC1993 said:

So, based on me not going over there when she wanted me there as of this morning, I apparently don’t value the relationship and she’s broken it off with me over message.

It is not based on that, it is what she really wants but was too scared to do it.
Many will use trivial incidents to give them an excuse to leave.
This is all over bar the shouting, and whilst there may still be a lot of toing and froing and "shouting" the writing is on the wall, she knows it, you know it.
The relationship is totally messed up, accept the break up and get on with the rest of your life is my advice.

[littleblackheart]

My sister has BPD. She doesn't act that way. Yes, it's on a spectrum but still. Shoving it all on the BPD is a handy cop-out.

Maybe it's your dysfunctional dynamic? You're clearly not compatible, neither of you are taking responsibility for any of this mess or trying to improve the way you communicate with each other so there is nothing there to fix. 

Whenever I see the 'I am not perfect but I did my best, my partner is a monster' narrative, I tend to think there's not enough distance or self-reflection. I've been there myself, I take some of it back. 

This sounds over. Sorry, OP.

 

[HunterC1993]

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's been very helpful in seeing it for what it is and to get your perspectives on the matter.

It seems to be a definite cycle. She is remorseful at the moment, saying she will speak to someone about it etc, and wants us to work.

I tried this theory in a discussion last night where I was saying I felt wrongfully attacked and made out to be regarding issues such as the lift, us talking to see each other yesterday which didn't happen and things like that. Instead, I got told I need to accept responsibility for a range of things related to that which I just won't bend for.

I've put my hand up and acknowledged where I've gone wrong in my reactions and things like that, but I feel like there's issues which are legitimately warped or twisted and she is happy to simply "Drop it, move on" - which I feel is a recipe for disaster and will lead to further issues down the track.

Looks like I'll have to be the one to break it off otherwise the cycle will continue and it'll be very draining. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You have been abused. You need to treat it like an abusive relationship and ghost block delete. If you do not go dark you will be sucked back in.

‘There is underlying dysfunction by both.  This means you bare responsibility  for accepting this behavior and not leaving sooner.

if you keep talking to her we all know where it will lead.

 

[trident_2020]

She's not going to give up on you easily.

I suggest watching the movie Fatal Attraction as a primer for what you're in for when you break it off.

 

[chillii]

lf she truly is bpd op then yeah , look forward to a life of this if you stay. Study it up seriously especially in a relationship sense , it's a pretty miserable existence . And she'll just be just getting warmed up.

But even if it isn't bpd and just down to two personalities that work the way you two do , it'll still be a very miserable existence bc it doesn't sound like there's any way to some peace , nothings worked so far , right, it sounds even worse. So whatever the case it's still just a crazy bloody way to live. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, HunterC1993 said:

  Lookslike I'll have to be the one to break it off otherwise the cycle will continue and it'll be very draining. 

Definitely difficult. However, it's better to end it and get the pain over with than to drag it out.

Don't feel like the bad guy, just state plain and kindly that it's not working out.

[Acacia98]

FWIW, I've been in a similar situation before. Based on insights I gained from that experience, here's what I think about your situation:

1. Her aim in her interactions with you is to fight with you. So when you defend yourself or explain yourself, you're actually playing the role she wants you to play. Fighting gives her more material to work with: more to take offense at, more reason to view you negatively.

2. It doesn't matter what you do. You can spend a whole month and your entire salary planning a special birthday celebration for her. She will still find a way to view you as selfish and to be offended. 

3. Depending on your personality type and formative experiences, every time you engage by arguing with her, you could become more invested in the relationship. It can therefore become much harder to leave.

4. I have no idea if this will work for you, but it worked for me. I stopped caring. I basically stopped caring about defending myself when I knew he was being unfair. Every single argument he tried to start, I told him he was absolutely right. So I let him "win" every single time. If he was upset because he felt that I was being selfish, I allowed him to be upset with my "selfishness" and didn't try to fix anything. He didn't like it at all. He knew I was feigning agreement, but he couldn't do anything about it. He also got bored because he basically wanted to fight and I wasn't giving him that. More importantly, because I had essentially disengaged, emotional distance developed between us. I was able to walk away without a single regret.

 

[littleblackheart]

13 hours ago, HunterC1993 said:

Looks like I'll have to be the one to break it off otherwise the cycle will continue and it'll be very draining. 

That's fair enough, as you also need to preserve your own mental energy.

It may be worth reading up on what her potential symptoms are, if she indeed has BPD, so you can break it off in a way that will make her feeling understood.

My experience with my sister is different to yours obviously because we are siblings so there is no parting of ways. Still, it has taken over 2 years for us all as a family to find ways to communicate better with each other (I have my own communication issues that I also need work on). She needed time to adjust, we needed time to do the right research, but the bottom line is that is was / is a process which involves compassion, understanding and patience on both ends. It is as difficult for her (more, perhaps) as it is for families and partners. She is doing very well under treatment, has a great high paying job (currently in South Korea on a mission), is online dating, has close friends and lives a completely 'normal' life, whatever that means.

In your situation, it's ok for you to leave if you struggle to adapt to this stormy type of relationship.

Just in case, here are some links that you can perhaps pass on to her as a parting gift:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm

 

https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/tips-for-managing-bpd-symptoms-in-relationships

Website for the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder : https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/who-we-are/

Whatever you do, do it gently 🙂.

 

 

[kendahke]

This sounds like the guy over in the Breaks and Breakups thread who's got a girlfriend who basically did the same things you outlined.

I'll tell you what I told him:
 

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This reads like a colossal $#!+ test/game she's running down on you. 

Get her out of your...  ...life.

 

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If I want my own space, I get breakups over text messages.. the whole thing.

On the days you want your space and you already know she will do this, temporarily block her number. Anyone's phone she grabs and uses, block their number, too.

You have a right to have space away from her abuse--in fact, you need to make the space permanent because staying with her is telling her that her BS is fine with you because you'll stay for more of it no matter how far she takes it. She is not mentally balanced and it's not your job to fix her. She's grown--that's her heavy lift. She's got family--they can put up with her.

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am sick of the fighting. And in a few months time I will have my own house. I am a bit fearful if she moves in, as she will then be entitled to a portion of it (as per laws) and I just don't know how stable it will be.

👏DO. 👏NOT. 👏LET. 👏HER. 👏MOVE.👏 IN.👏

PERIODT.

Too bad if she doesn't like it. Actions have consequences and it's high time she learned that.

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She is remorseful at the moment, saying she will speak to someone about it etc, and wants us to work.

The bolded above is the operative phrase here. Of course she's feigning remorse at the moment because it's bald faced manipulation to keep the status quo.  The status quo with her is maintaining you as a fighting partner who will take her abuse from every direction she hurls it at you and to get into that house you're buying.

Edited January 23, 2021 by kendahke

[Pumaza]

the honeymoon periods are over.

now you both are more honest to eachother.

time to move on.

✌🏽