good vibes?

[tokidoki]

I met this girl on a shoot a while back - I felt a bit of a vibe so I asked her out. She said that whilst she was very flattered, she was in a relationship. Three months later I see on SM that it's her bday so I message to wish her well. We got into a little flirty convo - said i couldn't pay her too many compliments without flirting. She said 'well I'm up for it'. I said 'what would your man think' and  she said they broke up a few days after that shoot, so nothing. I said 'wow, I'd say I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not' and a few messages later, asked when she was free to get a coffee (lockdown, eh). She said next week, if she's not back in her hometown. I gave her my number and told her to text me when she knew what she was doing, and we could make a plan. She said OK, sounds good.

I'm not going to chase this girl, she's not long out of a relationship so no pressure. She is amazing looking and I felt a bit of a vibe, so would like to see what happens, Reckon I can expect a message, or will it be a straight ghost? Taking bets.

[d0nnivain]

Even though you asked her to text you because her plans were up in the air, she probably won't because many women want the man to chase.  She'll claim you're lazy if you don't reach out.  Still I'd wait until the following week & when you do contact her ask her how her trip home was so she knows you were intentionally giving her the space she implied she wanted

[littleblackheart]

3 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

She said next week, if she's not back in her hometown

Betting 20% on her texting you 'sorry, going back to my hometown, rain check?', 20% her going back to her hometown but forgetting to tell you, 20% texting you a time and place for a lockdown coffee meet, 20% you'll end up texting her yourself just to 'see where she's at', 20% radio silence because neither of you could muster the effort.

Let us know how it plays out.

 

[Gaeta]

How long is a while back? a year? 6 months? 2 weeks?

'next week' is a very vague offer AND she adds to that a condition so ....in reality you have no date set up. I agree with D0nnivain that you do the chasing otherwise you stand 0 chance. 

[Versacehottie]

IMO, you should let her pick up about the date specifically but still comment on her SM or message with her about other regular stuff, funny, flirty.  I think that displays confidence that what she said is true and you aren't worried about her getting to it when she is in same place as you and available to go...and that you are 100% confident that you are worthy of the date.  What most people do is leave a huge pregnant pause, like if she doesn't answer that specific dating question, there is no reason to communicate etc.  That is like pressure, insecurity (in this case), lack of confidence etc and you are not building the one side of the connection if you stop and wait like all you wanted was this date to happen.  

Easy breezy and keep the same mentality that caused you to reach out to say happy birthday when you thought she had a boyfriend.  That's confident.  So far there's nothing in her response that indicated (to me) that she won't follow up with you eventually. Proceed AS IF she will but leave it in her court as was agreed about the date.  Obviously this doesn't go on forever if she is being cagey and never following through.  But you planted a seed, now just wait for it to grow. Good luck

[tokidoki]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long is a while back? a year? 6 months? 2 weeks?

'next week' is a very vague offer AND she adds to that a condition so ....in reality you have no date set up. I agree with D0nnivain that you do the chasing otherwise you stand 0 chance. 

it was about 3 months ago. Not that long to be out of a relationship but long enough to start dating again.

I don't really like to play games and chase but at this point I'm kind of resigned to the fact that you have to do a little dance with the devil to get what you want. I'll wait to see if she gets back. If she doesn't, I'll drop a comment some time next week, but no mention of the date.

Thanks guys, all good advice. will keep posted.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, davidsonramirez said:

I don't really like to play games and chase

I'll drop a comment some time next week, but no mention of the date.

How that attitude been working for you in the dating world?

Chasing a woman you want to date is not playing games. Most women expect men to do the chasing, that's how we gage your interest in us. Chasing does not mean nagging her, it means to make your interest clear by calling and asking for a date on a specific time. 

[tokidoki]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

How that attitude been working for you in the dating world?

Chasing a woman you want to date is not playing games. Most women expect men to do the chasing, that's how we gage your interest in us. Chasing does not mean nagging her, it means to make your interest clear by calling and asking for a date on a specific time. 

No, I'm not the one playing games. But being made to chase definitely is. I've had it before and have been told universally that it's not worth it if she's making you jump through hoops to get her. I've made my interest clear - asked her out twice now. I also don't ask for a specific date and time, cos they often can't do it. I'll ask when she's free. If she's keen, she'll take me up on the offer, sooner or later. 

I had a thing only a few weeks ago (it's on here too), where the girl was playing games no end and the advice was unequivocally to just bin it off and find someone else. Having said that, if anyone is immedeately available when I ask, and doesn't keep me waiting just a little bit, it takes a bit of the fun/mystery out of the whole thing and I lose interest.

So yes, I am my own worst enemy. Just got to judge each case on its merits.

[amygirl908]

3 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

No, I'm not the one playing games. But being made to chase definitely is. I've had it before and have been told universally that it's not worth it if she's making you jump through hoops to get her. I've made my interest clear - asked her out twice now. I also don't ask for a specific date and time, cos they often can't do it. I'll ask when she's free. If she's keen, she'll take me up on the offer, sooner or later. 

I had a thing only a few weeks ago (it's on here too), where the girl was playing games no end and the advice was unequivocally to just bin it off and find someone else. Having said that, if anyone is immedeately available when I ask, and doesn't keep me waiting just a little bit, it takes a bit of the fun/mystery out of the whole thing and I lose interest.

So yes, I am my own worst enemy. Just got to judge each case on its merits.

I mean she's not making you jump through hoops. The first time you asked her out was 3 months ago and she had a boyfriend I would say that attempt is totally moot and cannot be included in the current interaction.

I would wait and see what happens when she comes back home. No one is chasing or playing games. At this point you've only exchanged a few messages it's way too soon to jump to any conclusions. 

[Miss Spider]

$5 she won’t contact and you’ll cave and contact her instead 

[dramafreezone]

12 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

I met this girl on a shoot a while back - I felt a bit of a vibe so I asked her out. She said that whilst she was very flattered, she was in a relationship. Three months later I see on SM that it's her bday so I message to wish her well. We got into a little flirty convo - said i couldn't pay her too many compliments without flirting. She said 'well I'm up for it'. I said 'what would your man think' and  she said they broke up a few days after that shoot, so nothing. I said 'wow, I'd say I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not' and a few messages later, asked when she was free to get a coffee (lockdown, eh). She said next week, if she's not back in her hometown. I gave her my number and told her to text me when she knew what she was doing, and we could make a plan. She said OK, sounds good.

I'm not going to chase this girl, she's not long out of a relationship so no pressure. She is amazing looking and I felt a bit of a vibe, so would like to see what happens, Reckon I can expect a message, or will it be a straight ghost? Taking bets.

Sounds like you asked her out, she couldn't give you a definite date so you said get back to me when you know when you'll be free.  Ball's in her court.

If she's pretty attractive, no telling, she could easily forget, or lose interest in a week.  If she really likes you she'll get in touch with you.  Hope it works out.👍

Whatever you do don't call her.  Be a man of your word.  You told HER to get back to you so stick to that.

DISCLAIMER; you may very well not hear from her.  If the thought of blowing it with this one woman terrifies you though, call her.  Just keep in mind that you're pretty much acting like most other guys that she meets.

Edited January 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[smackie9]

Asking if she's in town for that coffee date is jumping through hoops?

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

No, I'm not the one playing games. But being made to chase definitely is. I've had it before and have been told universally that it's not worth it if she's making you jump through hoops to get her. I've made my interest clear - asked her out twice now. I also don't ask for a specific date and time, cos they often can't do it. I'll ask when she's free. If she's keen, she'll take me up on the offer, sooner or later. 

I had a thing only a few weeks ago (it's on here too), where the girl was playing games no end and the advice was unequivocally to just bin it off and find someone else. Having said that, if anyone is immedeately available when I ask, and doesn't keep me waiting just a little bit, it takes a bit of the fun/mystery out of the whole thing and I lose interest.

So yes, I am my own worst enemy. Just got to judge each case on its merits.

So you don't want for anyone to make you "jump through hoops" but when a woman shows high interest you're not interested.  I don't get what you want.

Why does a woman that likes you turn you off?

[tokidoki]

woah OK hang about. This woman isn't doing anything wrong. Not making me jump through hoops or anything. I'm saying I've told her to call me when she has it figured out, and if she doesn't, she's either not interested, or she is interested and expecting me to chase, in which case I'm not like most other men in that I don't have a lot of patience for the latter, altho I know that it has to be done TO A POINT. I cite the example that I often find it more alluring when someone's interest is unclear. I think that's human nature.

My question was more how to go about it now. I'm waiting to see if she gets back. If she doesn't, I'm inclined to go with dramafreezone and stick to my word. If she hasn't called by next week I might try re-initiating a convo about something other than the date, as the others suggest. But it will never be a 'hey did you get your schedule worked out yet' kinda thing. 

[elaine567]

By putting the ball into her court you lost control of the situation, and now you are hanging around on tenterhooks wondering if she will text you.
She now has a number for a guy who is not even interested enough to call/text her next week to set up a date.
My guess is that if she has enough options or some self esteem, she will not text you, even if she was in fact very interested at the start...        
By refusing to "chase", you are now in a very weak position, you don't know where you stand..
Even if she does text you or you manage to retrieve it by contacting her, you probably lost a few respect points.

[tokidoki]

Oh my god what a minefield. I asked her if she wanted to go out and she gave me a vague answer. Are you saying I should have pushed her for a definite date and time? or that I should have told her that I would call her later down the line to set up a date?

I will follow up in time, but when I say I don't want to 'chase' I mean I don't want to relentlessly pursue her in the hopes of maaaaybe getting to go on a date. Surely that will cost me many more respect points in the long run. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

She's still fresh out of a relationship so that may explain why she isn't in a rush to get back to dating. Give it a couple of weeks and you can reach out one last time and propose a date/time. If she's still hesitant then I'd say drop it altogether.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with alpaca that she might be taking her time because she is fresh out of a relationship.  I've done the same thing before.  It's not that I wasn't interested in the new guy that was asking me out--I just need to be a little more ready and open for it, especially with guys that I thought might be boyfriend material.  Thinking specifically of 2 guys that asked me out in a situation similar to OP's.  One I got back to as soon as I was ready and the other one I guess I felt lukewarm about and I never followed through.  

IMO, it's 50/50 on what will happen, no real crystal ball to tell.  My other opinion is OP should proceed as if he has every confidence that it will go the way he wants--especially during any interaction with her.  I actually think that will be the difference (if there is one) of if she is interested vs if she is not.  It's his confidence that has got him to this point he should continue on that track.  lol, I would say thinking back to the 2 guys in my story--the one I got back to was the more confident one.  Definitely seemed to understand--which also conveys that HE had multiple options himself--that sometimes the timing just isn't right.  The other vibe people can give off is "what is wrong with me?" "let me try harder" that I can't convince her--which can be conveyed even IF you drop of contact (the butt hurt "well I'm not going to contact her then!" or the pregnant pause of WAITING).  Definitely IMO better to be the guy that is bold about things and confident that you will eventually get her FULL attention.  If at some point it feels like wasted effort, you can pull back or always disappear because you don't like to waste your time but don't short-sell putting in some effort in talking to her, keeping the flirtation going.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Versacehottie

[poppyfields]

On 1/13/2021 at 2:36 AM, davidsonramirez said:

I met this girl on a shoot a while back - I felt a bit of a vibe so I asked her out. She said that whilst she was very flattered, she was in a relationship. Three months later I see on SM that it's her bday so I message to wish her well. We got into a little flirty convo - said i couldn't pay her too many compliments without flirting. She said 'well I'm up for it'. I said 'what would your man think' and  she said they broke up a few days after that shoot, so nothing. I said 'wow, I'd say I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not' and a few messages later, asked when she was free to get a coffee (lockdown, eh). She said next week, if she's not back in her hometown. I gave her my number and told her to text me when she knew what she was doing, and we could make a plan. 

As a woman, I prefer the man take the lead in the very early stages.  I really dislike when he throws it back in my court, not sure why, but to me it's weak.

To the bolded, taking the lead would be you telling her you would be in touch next week. And then doing so, later that week or even the following week.  Not giving her your number and then waiting for her to contact you like you did.  

The former is not chasing, it's taking the lead which is strong and dare I say dominant, but not in a negative way.  It's strong, confident, in control. 

I dislike the word "chase," it implies a woman is running away and you're forced to chase her to catch her.

No, never do that!  

Pursue is better.  Women do like to be pursued in early stages, again a man taking the lead, taking control.

That's not chasing.  It's strong.  It's hot!  

Now, here you are in the female role of waiting for her to reach out, pursue you. 😳

Good luck, I hope she does, but I wouldn't count on it. 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

I don't want to 'chase' I mean I don't want to relentlessly pursue her in the hopes of maaaaybe getting to go on a date. Surely that will cost me many more respect points in the long run. 

There is chasing and chasing.
Some men can pull off the relentless chasing of some women  with no loss of respect points whatsoever, in fact they can gain them.
I guess it is all about good judgement and being able to read the situation. Chasing women who are NOT remotely interested or chasing in a weak and feckless way is NOT attractive.
BUT
Many women find a guy strong and sexy, if he knows what he wants and he works to achieve it.
It is validating and flattering.

[tokidoki]

OK well Semantics aside....

I'm bold enough to ask her when I met her, then to get back in touch despite her being taken, THEN to steer the convo to a point where I could ask about her relationship AND to ask her out, all within a few messages - I'd say that's taking the lead. And while it comes naturally to some, that doesn't mean it's easy. It takes a bit of courage and skill to do that successfully.

Saying 'Thursday at 4' would be too easy tho, so it's a vague, non-committal answer. So rather than get pushy, I'd sooner just chill on it til next week, and she can text me to make plans in the meantime if she wants. If she doesn't, I'm not gonna assume she's not interested, I'll just assume she's expecting me to get back in touch with her.

However, a man who knows his worth won't do that for too long, many know that it's a slippery slope if you let people jerk you around (not just women). So maybe in a way, telling her to let me know is my way of seeing what she's made of. That's a two-way street in the early stages. A woman who reciprocates interest in a date (without being too keen about it) is far, far more attractive than one who plays coy and manufactures a 'pursuer-pursuee' dynamic un-necessarily because it makes them feel good. 

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

Bottom line, do you want the woman or not?  If you do, then screw the gamesmanship and shyt tests, and go after her.  

Be bold and confident.  Versus posting on a message forum asking others what's going on.😳

Stop dilly dallying around attempting to justify weak behavior and take a stance.  Sorry man. 

Think confidently.  Don't make HER jump through hoops, you know how you hate that, so don't make her do it. 

It's not a matter of her showing you what's she's made of, it's about you possessing the qualities she and other women desire - bold, confident, take no prisoners. 

Take a risk man!  

Edit:  I hope you're not reading PUA advice - forcing a woman to "prove her worth," trust me that atttitide will not get you very far with a high quality woman. 

It reflects insecurity in her eyes, among other not so attractive qualities.

Your call. 

Edited January 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

It sounds like you’re confusing chasing with being submissive. 
 

Be decisive and go after what you want. You say you don’t want to play games, but you play this game of waiting for her to contact you first. If the situation was different and you had already had interaction I would say something different. But you literally have nothing to lose here. 
 

You- “The weather looks nice X day next week. Wanna grab coffee at X? They have a nice patio”

Her- “I’m busy, but free X” or “Sure!” or “no thanks”. 
 

Now you know, it’s that easy.

[tokidoki]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Bottom line, do you want the woman or not?  If you do, then screw the gamesmanship and shyt tests, and go after her.  

yeah, that's why I asked her out in the first place. There's no 'gamesmanship' in that at all, would call it bold and confident if anything.

What 'risk' would you suggest I take/should have taken?  If you were asked out and you said 'next week if blah blah blah', what would you have liked to have heard?

I'm not going off any advice - I'll make my interest known, but I'm not a pushy person, so I'm just saying 'let me know!'. If she doesn't, I'm not gona ghost or bin her off. I'll just try again. If she is vague and non-committal again, that's when I'll bin it.

No games. Simple.

[Watercolors]

On 1/13/2021 at 9:04 AM, davidsonramirez said:

it was about 3 months ago. Not that long to be out of a relationship but long enough to start dating again.

I don't really like to play games and chase but at this point I'm kind of resigned to the fact that you have to do a little dance with the devil to get what you want. I'll wait to see if she gets back. If she doesn't, I'll drop a comment some time next week, but no mention of the date.

Thanks guys, all good advice. will keep posted.

Ah, but you are playing games with her. Case in point: 

You gave her your phone number, but didn't ask for hers. 
You intentionally reach out to her after the photoshoot to flirt with her, even though you assumed she was still with her boyfriend (turns out she wasn't). 
Your comment "do a little dance with the devil" indicates that you manipulate women i.e. with your push-pull method (a self-defense mechanism on your part due to insecurity) to get what you want (them to be so confused about your real motives, until they are pliable in your mind, to do whatever you want)
If she doesn't respond, you'll still reach out to her but not mention asking her out on a vague coffee date with no date or time (that is not a date, fyi, that is fishing for attention)

What you should have done: 

You: Hey [woman's name] I am reaching out to you bc I've been thinking about you. 
Her: (She responds that she's broken up with her boyfriend so that indicates she's free)
You: What is your phone number? I'd like to give you a call. You then CALL (not text!) her. "Are you free on Friday, the [date] at 5:30 pm for a coffee at [coffee shop]? 
Her: Yes or no, depending on her schedule. If no, you ask her for an alternative date/time, If yes, you SHOW UP for the date. 

There. Fixed it for you. Now, you don't need to play anymore games. 

Women respect a man who asks her for her phone number and asks her out on a date with a specific date and time and place. The rest of that stuff you think works, doesn't and won't b/c it's not straightforward, and being 'vague' is an intentional act on your part, to keep the woman confused, so she doesn't reject you outright in case you take the risk of asking her out on a specific date. 

If more men just showed women respect when it came to dating, there'd be less 'dating' forums on websites where people complain.