good vibes?

[littleblackheart]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

All this time wasted debating online well she better like me or she doesn’t like me then I’m not gonna waste time with her is why online dating has ruined courtship and romance

They met organically...

As for the rest, if you're single and I'm single, it doesn't seem to matter much which way the wind blows, no? You're exchanging numbers anyway. He can act all manly, ask for the number as he has done a million times before, will add you in his black book and will or will not call. Same difference.

[dramafreezone]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, absolutely!!  It actually happened that way when I met my fiancé for the first time.  He kissed me within 30 minutes of meeting!😂

But we had been interacting on line for two weeks prior.  So there had been at least some interaction and connection prior to meeting.

But that is so rare, don't you think?  Where it happens instantaneous like that?  Is that what you and the OP expect each time?  

If so, I think that is an unrealistic expectation.  

I don't know what you mean about calling twice to set up a date.  If he asks me out and I have to leave town for a bit, I let him know when I will be returning and he responds "great, I will be in touch then and we will set something up."

NOT, "okay here's my number, give me a call when you get back." 

HE takes the lead, that's all I am saying.

 

She didn't give a specific time.  She was vague, she said "next week, if I'm not back in my hometown."  Which means that she may not even be back next week.

How should he plan?  Say he told her that he would call back next week.  Should he set aside possible time for a date now?  After all she could be back but she could not be.

If it were more specific, if she said I'll be back Tuesday, then I would've been like "I'll be in touch with you then and we'll plan something."  She just gave a vague timeframe that could extend 2 or more weeks past now.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

They met organically...

As for the rest, if you're single and I'm single, it doesn't seem to matter much which way the wind blows, no? You're exchanging numbers anyway. He can act all manly, ask for the number as he has done a million times before, will add you in his black book and will or will not call. Same difference.

littleblackheart, no one is suggesting there is a right way or wrong way.  If a man giving you his number requiring you to call or pursue him versus him taking your number and taking the lead, that is fine.

We all do what works for us.  

In the OP's case, maybe she will reach out when she returns.  We're all just giving opinions as to what works.  And imo, if he does not hear from her, if HE is interested, it wouldn't hurt to reach out to her in a week, two weeks and asking her out.

Instead of lamenting on a message forum how she should "show him what she's made of" or "prove her worth."   That just sounds so weak to me, but to each their own.

 

 

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She didn't give a specific time.  She was vague, she said "next week, if I'm not back in my hometown."  Which means that she may not even be back next week.

How should he plan?  Say he told her that he would call back next week.  Should he set aside possible time for a date now?  After all she could be back but she could not be.

If it were more specific, if she said I'll be back Tuesday, then I would've been like "I'll be in touch with you then and we'll plan something."  She just gave a vague timeframe that could extend 2 or more weeks past now.

You know how to clear up vagueness? By communicating.

All OP did was essentially throw in the towel.

”Hey hot chick, how’s home?”

”Ohhh actually I ended up not going home”

”well perfect, because I was actually just about to ask you if you’re still up to grab coffee at X on Y”

Not sure what’s so complicated about this. Lots of overthinking IMO.

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

You know how to clear up vagueness? By communicating.

All OP did was essentially throw in the towel.

”Hey hot chick, how’s home?”

”Ohhh actually I ended up not going home”

”well perfect, because I was actually just about to ask you if you’re still up to grab coffee at X on Y”

Not sure what’s so complicated about this. Lots of overthinking IMO.

It's not overthinking at all.  She's not that interested.  Move on, continue to circulate, ask her out later down the line if the opportunity presents itself.  That could be a month or two down the line.  What's the urgency?

He might meet someone tomorrow with the same level of interest that by sheer chance isn't travelling and can set up a date.  That's my point, why zero in on this one woman?

Edited January 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[littleblackheart]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Instead of lamenting on a message forum how she should "show him what she's made of" or "prove her worth."   That just sounds so weak to me, but to each their own.

Strange way of showing there's no right or wrong way of doing things. 

I saw no lamenting, and we're here on this message forum as well, aren't we, giving our opinion... 

 

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

We all do what works for us.  

We do.

 

 

 

[cleverusername]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It's not overthinking at all.  She's not that interested.  Move on, continue to circulate, ask her out later down the line if the opportunity presents itself.  What's the urgency?

True. If that’s the risk your willing to take. But OP seems to have more than ambivalent interest in her. 

I would also disagree she isn’t interested, she showed interest when she invited him to hit on her and told him she was single without rejecting his date. This is a communication issue IMO and inaction by OP only exacerbated it. She never rejected him! All she said was the logistics don’t work!

Dont throw in the towel over a scheduling conflict

Edited January 14, 2021 by cleverusername

[poppyfields]

On 1/13/2021 at 2:36 AM, davidsonramirez said:

I met this girl on a shoot a while back - I felt a bit of a vibe so I asked her out. She said that whilst she was very flattered, she was in a relationship. Three months later I see on SM that it's her bday so I message to wish her well. We got into a little flirty convo - said i couldn't pay her too many compliments without flirting. She said 'well I'm up for it'. I said 'what would your man think' and  she said they broke up a few days after that shoot, so nothing. I said 'wow, I'd say I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not' and a few messages later, asked when she was free to get a coffee (lockdown, eh). She said next week, if she's not back in her hometown. I gave her my number and told her to text me when she knew what she was doing, and we could make a plan. She said OK, sounds good.

dramafreezone, reading this^, would you say HE is all that interested?  He felt a vibe, she had a boyfriend.  Three months later on socials he sees it's her birthday and they have a brief interaction, and he asks her out for coffee.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I am not sensing a monumental amount of interest on his side either.

Which is okay.  I mean, how much interest on either side should there be after such a brief and inconsequential on line interaction?

You say her interest is low, I would say his interest is also low.  If it were higher, I truly believe he would not be sitting on his arse waiting for her to call, not gonna happen.  Not how an interested man behaves in my experience.

Unless he has some sort of chip on his shoulder and doesn't trust women in general, which is possible, I don't know him well enough to say that.

Edited January 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[littleblackheart]

6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

He might meet someone tomorrow with the same level of interest that by sheer chance isn't travelling and can set up a date. 

That can very well happen, yes, for both of them. That's part of the risk you take. I don't think the OP here said he was going to put his life on hold - have I missed it?

 

[dramafreezone]

15 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

True. If that’s the risk your willing to take. But OP seems to have more than ambivalent interest in her. 

I would also disagree she isn’t interested, she showed interest when she invited him to hit on her and told him she was single without rejecting his date. This is a communication issue IMO and inaction by OP only exacerbated it. She never rejected him! All she said was the logistics don’t work!

Dont throw in the towel over a scheduling conflict

Good point.  It may just be a scheduling conflict.  If that's all it was, I don't think she would have a problem calling back.  She's the one that had the conflict.  If he had the conflict then he would be expected to call back.

The reason why I don't think she's that interested is because if she had high interest and had a scheduling conflict, she would suggest another time (i.e. I may not be in town next week but I can definitely see you in two weeks).  Like I said, she would still want to make sure that this date happened, because well, she really likes this guy.

Edited January 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[littleblackheart]

We'll all have to wait and see how it pans out if OP comes back to update us.

Edited January 14, 2021 by littleblackheart

[cleverusername]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Good point.  It may just be a scheduling conflict.  If that's all it was, I don't think she would have a problem calling back.  She's the one that had the conflict.  If he had the conflict then he would be expected to call back.

The reason why I don't think she's that interested is because if she had high interest and had a scheduling conflict, she would suggest another time (i.e. I may not be in town next week but I can definitely see you in two weeks).  Like I said, she would still want to make sure that this date happened, because well, she really likes this guy.

True true, but remember he’s the one who ask her out.... twice. The burden is on him to follow through, not her. Whoever is the most invested has the burden of work.

 

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

I saw no lamenting, and we're here on this message forum as well, aren't we, giving our opinion... 

You're right, lamenting was the wrong word.

[dramafreezone]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

dramafreezone, reading this^, would you say HE is all that interested?  He felt a vibe, she had a boyfriend.  Three months later on socials he sees it's her birthday and they have a brief interaction, and he asks her out for coffee.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I am not sensing a monumental amount of interest on his side either.

Which is okay.  I mean, how much interest on either side should there be after such a brief and inconsequential on line interaction?

You say her interest is low, I would say his interest is also low.  If it were higher, I truly believe he would not be sitting on his arse waiting for her to call, not gonna happen.  Not how an interested man behaves in my experience.

Unless he has some sort of chip on his shoulder and doesn't trust women in general, which is possible, I don't know him well enough to say that.

I think he's handled everything just fine thus far.  I only said he should stick to his word.  If he doesn't want to take the chance that he might not hear from her, then he should call.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Like I said, she would still want to make sure that this date happened, because well, she really likes this guy.

As would he. 😛

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

True true, but remember he’s the one who ask her out.... twice. The burden is on him to follow through, not her. Whoever is the most invested has the burden of work.

 

Boom, you just said it.  He asked her out twice.  He has followed through IMO.  How much more following through does he need to do?

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

As would he. 😛

He's asked her out twice.  His interest is apparent.  How many more times does he have to ask her out for her to know he likes her?

Edited January 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Boom, you just said it.  He asked her out twice.  He has followed through IMO.  How much more following through does he need to do?

 

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

He's asked her out twice.  His interest is apparent.

And she accepted the second one, only prevented by a scheduling conflict.

this is essentially the conversation OP is having if he just waits on her;

”you wanna go out” 

“sure! But I’m busy this week”

”ok”

*never contacts her again*
 

 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

He's asked her out twice.  His interest is apparent.

Well the first time she had a boyfriend, so..... 

Anyway, we could debate this until hell freezes over and never resolve.

Men think one way, women think another.  Personally, if a man required me to "show him what I'm worth" before having an actual date with him OR even a decent interaction, it would be no thanks.   Men with that mindset do not turn me on, bottom line.  

If some women would be okay with that, more power to em. 

 

Edited January 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[littleblackheart]

All options and wild assumptions have been discussed at length and more. Wonder if the OP, whose situation it actually is, will ever return.

[tokidoki]

OK, I'm back. 

After all is said and done, I couldve just left it after I first met her. I didn't, I found her on SM, and started talking to her. then I asked her out. I got turned down, but I came back and asked again, and she accepted the offer. 

I've indicated my interest pretty openly. Her response wasn't exactly a firm yes, so I took it to mean 'let me think about it', given a recent break up. Surely, if you want someone's respect, you give them what they want in that situation: i.e. a little time and space to consider, and your trust that they will be kind enough to get back to you re: your offer of a date. The exact date and time is academic if both parties are sincerely interested.

The subtext to the whole thing IMO is 'do u wana go out', 'yes, but give me a minute', 'No problem. Whenever you're ready'.

Can't see anything hostile, manipulative or wrong with that attitude at all. It's laid back and not over eager. I'm confident she'll come back because I made a good impression when i first met her, and I have since. 

 

 

 

 

 

[tokidoki]

I also never asked anyone to 'show me what they're made of' that's BS. I said that maybe, in a way, it's me (subconciously) seeing if she has the confidence to reciprocate my obvious confidence, and set a date, or skip away and look back and try and make things more complicated than she needs to. In my very extensive experience, people do this when they like the person, but don't like the feeling of vulnerability.

I'm cool, she's cool, I'm single, she's single. Let's get together, when are you free? Maybe next week. OK, cool, here's my number. If you like me, text me and we'll make a plan. If not, i don't get your number and I don't call you again. (obvi I'd never say this but that's the idea)

 

 

Edited January 14, 2021 by davidsonramirez
to add 'vulnerability

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said:

I also never asked anyone to 'show me what they're made of' that's BS. I said that maybe, in a way, it's me (subconciously) seeing if she has the confidence to reciprocate my obvious confidence, and set a date, or skip away and look back and try and make things more complicated than she needs to. In my very extensive experience, people do this when they like the person, but don't like the feeling of vulnerability.

I'm cool, she's cool, I'm single, she's single. Let's get together, when are you free? Maybe next week. OK, cool, here's my number. If you like me, text me and we'll make a plan. If not, i don't get your number and I don't call you again. (obvi I'd never say this but that's the idea)

 

 

I never said you asked her (or anyone) you made that statement to us in a previous post.  

You're fine.  Wait and see what happens.  

If she doesn't reach out, you can try a different approach. 

Or not.

Good luck!  

Edited January 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[tokidoki]

OK, but I think you misinterpret me slightly. Confidence is key, but it is fragile and not easy to maintain. The quickest way to shoot yourself in the foot is by not ignoring signals that demonstrate medium interest, and going right for her personal info so you can keep hounding her.

THAT demonstrates neediness, and fear that she'll forget and you'll have to remind her. My way shows her that I'm interested, but I don't NEED the date. So if she's not going to commit now, she can get in touch when she's ready to, and we can exchange numbers fully then. Ball's in her court. I've shown her where I stand and Im confident that I made enough of an impression in my interactions with her that she'll want to get in touch.

Again, if she doesn't, no sweat. I'll assume she's not ready, keep an eye on her SM and if something funny comes up, I'll strike up a convo. It's not that hard if you're happy to be by yourself and you radiate a relaxed and confident energy rather than an over-eager and aimless one. I never assume she doesn't like me. I assume she's not ready so I put my focus elsewhere and think whatever happens happens. If you're always there, giving her the option, forcing her to set a date, you'll just annoy her. So I'll let the other chumps do that while she thinks about me and eventually reaches out and we get together.

Simples.

 

[tokidoki]

I jsut saw your edit. Cheers for your advice. It's helpful. I know it's not the way it's 'normally done' but it's the way that makes me feel better about myself. After years of chasing and chasing it does just make you fell s***ty. You need to know your own worth first.