good vibes?

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said:

yeah, that's why I asked her out in the first place. There's no 'gamesmanship' in that at all, would call it bold and confident if anything.

What 'risk' would you suggest I take/should have taken?  If you were asked out and you said 'next week if blah blah blah', what would you have liked to have heard?

I'm not going off any advice - I'll make my interest known, but I'm not a pushy person, so I'm just saying 'let me know!'. If she doesn't, I'm not gona ghost or bin her off. I'll just try again. If she is vague and non-committal again, that's when I'll bin it.

No games. Simple.

Wow. Reread your response. You come across extremely defensive and hostile towards women in general. As if they can be binned b/c they reject you. And you're ready to ghost her yet you haven't even asked her out on a real date yet. 

No, you are not bold or confident with your vague date setting and then reaching out to her next week if she doesn't respond. 

A bold and confident guy is straightforward with a woman, and respectful of her feelings. He asks her for her phone number, then he actually calls her. Then a bold and confident guy asks the woman out for a specific date and time and location. Everything else you've done and your attitude, suggests to me that you don't have much luck dating women, b/c of your hostility and arrogant attitude. If you change that to be more respectful and less confrontational, you'd get more dates with women. 

[Watercolors]

10 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

woah OK hang about. This woman isn't doing anything wrong. Not making me jump through hoops or anything. I'm saying I've told her to call me when she has it figured out, and if she doesn't, she's either not interested, or she is interested and expecting me to chase, in which case I'm not like most other men in that I don't have a lot of patience for the latter, altho I know that it has to be done TO A POINT. I cite the example that I often find it more alluring when someone's interest is unclear. I think that's human nature.

My question was more how to go about it now. I'm waiting to see if she gets back. If she doesn't, I'm inclined to go with dramafreezone and stick to my word. If she hasn't called by next week I might try re-initiating a convo about something other than the date, as the others suggest. But it will never be a 'hey did you get your schedule worked out yet' kinda thing. 

You are being manipulative and passive aggressive with this approach. You give her your phone # - first mistake. You expect her to call you and set up the date, yet if she doesn't, you will bin her and ghost her -- these are your own words. No wonder you don't get far with women. You don't make any effort to properly ask a woman out. Yet you act hostile and offended if she doesn't chase you. 

If you want to ask a woman out, you have to be the one to literally ask her out.You are playing games otherwise. Those will never get you far. 

[dramafreezone]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

By putting the ball into her court you lost control of the situation, and now you are hanging around on tenterhooks wondering if she will text you.
She now has a number for a guy who is not even interested enough to call/text her next week to set up a date.
My guess is that if she has enough options or some self esteem, she will not text you, even if she was in fact very interested at the start...        
By refusing to "chase", you are now in a very weak position, you don't know where you stand..
Even if she does text you or you manage to retrieve it by contacting her, you probably lost a few respect points.

Maybe we're talking semantics, but she wasn't very interested.  If she were very interested she would have set a date right there or given some options, because she really would want to see this guy and make it as easy for them to get together as possible.

I'll use an extreme example to make my point, if it were Leonardo Di'Caprio asking her out on a date do you think she would've said "oh I don't know."  Hell no.  This girl has minimal interest in him, which is ok.

No problem with pursusing her more if that's what he wants to do.  Depends on how much free time he has on his hands.  Does he have time to set aside for "maybe dates?"  Is she worth it for him?  Only he knows.

[tokidoki]

lol, what am I doing that is at all hostile?? I asked her out, and asked when she was free? That's a very paranoid attitude to take from something so simple and forward. If I didn't conform to an extreeemely specific methodology to actually go about setting a date, and I'm being picked up on 'mistakes' then it's obviously not someone who is interested in me for me, and is only interested in an ideal.

I would never act hostile if she didn't get back to me. I'd reach out again another time, and ask her how her trip home was, and if she'd like to get that coffee on xyz day. I don't care if she doesn't want to do it. 

What I won't do is either push her to commit if she isn't long out of a relationship, or continue to pursue her if she doesn't seem interested. That's what i mean by 'bin', i.e. not let her spend any more time on the desktop of my mind, and meet other women.

 

 

[littleblackheart]

2 hours ago, davidsonramirez said:

That's a two-way street in the early stages.

That's a two-way street at all the stages of the relationship ideally. That said, I don't see where you're going wrong here. Confidence isn't trying to corner someone into a date. This approach seems like no pressure, she has some agency and you're open-minded enough to consider getting back in touch after some time has passed if you've not heard back. Sounds good to me.

 

[dramafreezone]

5 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

That's a two-way street at all the stages of the relationship ideally. That said, I don't see where you're going wrong here. Confidence isn't trying to corner someone into a date. This approach seems like no pressure, she has some agency and you're open-minded enough to consider getting back in touch after some time has passed if you've not heard back. Sounds good to me.

 

I think there's a pervasive idea that the guy should pursue pursue pursue if he really likes the woman.  If the woman really is interested, sure, but that's not the case here.  She could pretty much take it or leave it based on her response to him.  Nothing wrong with that, that's her preference.

There's too many women for men (and men for women) to pursue one vigorously that has at best lukewarm interest, IMO.  He asked her out, she was wishy washy, he said cool get back to me when you have some free time.  It's not arrogance, it's having respect for your own time.  She certainly has respect for hers.

He could pursue her more and finally get her on a date, maybe a couple of weeks or few months down the line, she could eventually really like him a lot, who knows?  It's just up to that individual person if this particular woman is worth it for him.  I just feel that we should spend time with people that are really interested in seeing us from the beginning.   Dating is so much easier when the other person is really excited about it.

[cleverusername]

20 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Maybe we're talking semantics, but she wasn't very interested.  If she were very interested she would have set a date right there or given some options, because she really would want to see this guy and make it as easy for them to get together as possible.

I'll use an extreme example to make my point, if it were Leonardo Di'Caprio asking her out on a date do you think she would've said "oh I don't know."  Hell no.  This girl has minimal interest in him, which is ok.

No problem with pursusing her more if that's what he wants to do.  Depends on how much free time he has on his hands.  Does he have time to set aside for "maybe dates?"  Is she worth it for him?  Only he knows.

Ehhhhh, yes and no. Ideally yes, it’s a two way street. However, there is perpetuation of the notion that men should be the one to put in the leg work. Not saying it’s right, but it absolutely exists.

By saying nothing,’it may come across to her that you are ambivalent, and therefore if you’re lukewarm so is she. You should suggest a date and time, if she is interested she would counter with an alternative if she was interested but it didn’t fit her schedule. 
 

You need to provide tangible interest in her, giving her your number just doesn’t cut it.

Another way I do it,

Me- “What do you have going on Saturday night” 

Her- “Nothing really”

Me- “well now you do, we’re going out. Wear something casual, I’ll call you Friday”

there are ways to establish when someone is free without putting the burden solely on them. 

 

[poppyfields]

43 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said:

What 'risk' would you suggest I take/should have taken?  If you were asked out and you said 'next week if blah blah blah', what would you have liked to have heard?

I already posted what I would have liked, and how most men have responded when that has happened.

>>"...taking the lead would be you telling her you would be in touch next week. And then doing so, later that week or even the following week.  Not giving her your number and then waiting for her to contact you like you did". <<

But I like dominant men, not in a negative way, just strong, confident, no nonsense types.  I find it hot as hell, as do many other women.

Men who throw it back on me to contact him, essentially pursue him, no thank you, not for me.

But good luck whatever you decide, I hope it all works out and I mean that sincerely.

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I already posted what I would have liked, and how most men have responded when that has happened.

>>"...taking the lead would be you telling her you would be in touch next week. And then doing so, later that week or even the following week.  Not giving her your number and then waiting for her to contact you like you did". <<

But I like dominant men, not in a negative way, just strong, confident, no nonsense types.  I find it hot as hell, as do many other women.

Men who throw it back on me to contact him, essentially pursue him, no thank you, not for me.

But good luck whatever you decide, I hope it all works out and I mean that sincerely.

Solid advice. Worked for me a few weeks ago, thanks to someone  We were in a different stage of the relationship and circumstances were different, but it worked and definitely still applies here

Edited January 14, 2021 by cleverusername

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I think there's a pervasive idea that the guy should pursue pursue pursue if he really likes the woman.  If the woman really is interested, sure, but that's not the case here.  She could pretty much take it or leave it based on her response to him.  

I am wondering how interested you actually expect her to be, the OP has not even taken her out yet nor interacted with her all that much.

See, this is why I don't understand about your and other men's mindset about this.  You expect her to have high interest before you have even taken her out on a date!    You expect her to "show you what she's made of" or "prove her worth" before you've shown her what YOU are made of.

Well actually I take that back, you (not you but the OP) have shown her what you're made of, by tossing the ball back in her court requiring her to chase you.

No one is suggesting the OP "pursue, pursue, pursue," all we're suggesting is he take the lead in this thing, get it off the ground at least so she has the opportunity to determine how interested she is.

That takes confidence, a certain boldness, a take no prisoners approach.  It's not for the faint of heart that's for sure.  But it IS attractive and as I said HOT.  To me and other women.

 

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I already posted what I would have liked, and how most men have responded when that has happened.

>>"...taking the lead would be you telling her you would be in touch next week. And then doing so, later that week or even the following week.  Not giving her your number and then waiting for her to contact you like you did". <<

But I like dominant men, not in a negative way, just strong, confident, no nonsense types.  I find it hot as hell, as do many other women.

Men who throw it back on me to contact him, essentially pursue him, no thank you, not for me.

But good luck whatever you decide, I hope it all works out and I mean that sincerely.

Do you like men that have a dominant attitude, or do you like it when men that you like have a dominant attitude?

Did you catch the difference?  It's subtle but huge.  I'm sure you've liked men that didn't have an dominant attitude, and there's some that you wouldn't give the time of day that were damn drill sergeants.  So is the dominance the be-all-end-all here?

Attraction is not a choice, so if it were purely the dominance that you were attracted to, you'd be attracted to all men that had demonstrated dominance.

I say all of that to say that liking a person comes first.  If this woman really liked him she would have set the date when he asked her.  Why wouldn't she?  Do any of us really meet that many people that really like every day?  Why would she want to risk not getting to meet this guy that she really liked over playing some "hard to get" games?

She either isn't really that interested, or she's really stuck on some ridiculous games.  Personally he's probably better off purusing women that are looking forward to spending time with him, but that's his choice.

[littleblackheart]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I just feel that we should spend time with people that are really interested in seeing us from the beginning.   Dating is so much easier when the other person is really excited about it.

That's true.

As you said though, they both showed respect for their own time. 

If I tell a guy yes if etc, I don't want him setting a date. I'm also not telling him I'm not interested. I'm just saying let me decide in my own time. It's better than to say 'sure' because you're put on the spot, then ghost or cancel at the last minute.

If I like the guy enough, I'll call get in touch with him myself. I really do like the idea of being given time and agency. To me it shows quiet, relaxed confidence by someone who has no crazy ego. 

That's the type of not in your face confidence I respect.

 

 

[Watercolors]

I don't trust or respect men who give me their phone number. It shows a total lack of interest in his part - that he can't be bothered to ask the woman for her phone number. If a guy is really interested in asking a woman out, he'd ask her for her phone number. None of this give her his phone number, get mad when she doesn't follow up, and then rant about how women are all game players. 

[littleblackheart]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I don't trust or respect men who give me their phone number.

I actually respect a guy who does that. He's literally telling me I'm not about to control you, you have as much agency as I do in how to go about this. To me it shows class and manners. She can then give him hers with no pressure.

 

Edited January 14, 2021 by littleblackheart

[cleverusername]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I don't trust or respect men who give me their phone number. It shows a total lack of interest in his part - that he can't be bothered to ask the woman for her phone number. If a guy is really interested in asking a woman out, he'd ask her for her phone number. None of this give her his phone number, get mad when she doesn't follow up, and then rant about how women are all game players. 

 

1 minute ago, littleblackheart said:

I actually respect a guy who does that. He's literally telling me I'm not about to control you, you have as much agency as I do in how to go about this. To me it shows class and manners. She can then give her his.

 

Do people not exchange numbers anymore? Like as soon as I get their number I send them a text with my name and something clever so they remember me 

[littleblackheart]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

 

Do people not exchange numbers anymore? Like as soon as I get their number I send them a text with my name and something clever so they remember me 

Yes of course. I understand the exchange to be that he volunteers his number first instead of asking for hers (which I personally hate), then she reciprocates. Classy.

[poppyfields]

Something is getting lost in translation here.  No one is suggesting he "pursue, pursue, pursue" or chase a woman who is resisting.

>>I just feel that we should spend time with people that are really interested in seeing us from the beginning.   Dating is so much easier when the other person is really excited about it.<<

I agree with this.  However, I asked this before, but how interested do you expect a woman to be before you have taken her out or even had a decent interaction with her?

How excited could she actually be?  

The only thing I disagree with re how the OP has handled this is tossing the ball in her court versus telling her he would give her a call next week when she returns or the following week.  And have a plan to meet and spend some time together so she (and he) can determine how high their interests levels are.

 

 

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am wondering how interested you actually expect her to be, the OP has not even taken her out yet nor interacted with her all that much.

See, this is why I don't understand about your and other men's mindset about this.  You expect her to have high interest before you have even taken her out on a date!    You expect her to "show you what she's made of" or "prove her worth" before you've shown her what YOU are made of.

Well actually I take that back, you (not you but the OP) have shown her what you're made of, by tossing the ball back in her court requiring her to chase you.

No one is suggesting the OP "pursue, pursue, pursue," all we're suggesting is he take the lead in this thing, get it off the ground at least so she has the opportunity to determine how interested she is.

That takes confidence, a certain boldness, a take no prisoners approach.  It's not for the faint of heart that's for sure.  But it IS attractive and as I said HOT.  To me and other women.

 

There isn't an expectation.  It a matter of gauging the interest and deciding how much time you want to devote to purusing.  I don't know how much time the OP has.  I can only speak for myself but as my time devoted to dating has shrunk significantly, I put a lot more value on that time.  I don't prefer to use it on someone who could take it or leave it.  I want to spend time with women that will set a date, because they like me and genuinely want to get to know me.  Admittedly that pool is much smaller, but dating those women is much more rewarding.  If I had lots of time, sure I can call again and again to get you on a date.

It's about what he wants.  If he wants to meet someone that's really into him, then he has a choice, look for someone who has high interest from the beginning (which isn't common, but does happen), or devote the time to this one woman which may or may not pan out.  One risk factor is that she's reacently out of a relationship so she might still have an attachment to the ex.

He asked her out once and she was wishy washy, how is asking her out again showing more confidence?  I'll use my extreme example again, if Leonardo DiCaprio asked her out and she said "I don't know" and he didn't ask her out again, is that him showing a lack of confidence, or him just moving on to someone with more interest?  It's saving both people time, he's going to find someone that wants to set a date and she's free to find a guy that she's more excited about seeing.

[littleblackheart]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

  If he wants to meet someone that's really into him, then he has a choice, look for someone who has high interest from the beginning (which isn't common, but does happen), or devote the time to this one woman which may or may not pan out.

It all ends up that way anyway. You don't know whether anything will pan out, high interest in the beginning is not always a good measure of success. Basically, it's all a risk.

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Something is getting lost in translation here.  No one is suggesting he "pursue, pursue, pursue" or chase a woman who is resisting.

>>I just feel that we should spend time with people that are really interested in seeing us from the beginning.   Dating is so much easier when the other person is really excited about it.<<

I agree with this.  However, I asked this before, but how interested do you expect a woman to be before you have taken her out or even had a decent interaction with her?

How excited could she actually be?  

The only thing I disagree with re how the OP has handled this is tossing the ball in her court versus telling her he would give her a call next week when she returns or the following week.  And have a plan to meet and spend some time together so she (and he) can determine how high their interests levels are.

 

 

You've never met a guy that from the moment you met them knocked your socks off?  Which means they didn't have to call you twice to set up the date. Surely there hasn't just been lukewarm interest with every guy you've agreed to go out with.

That's all I'm saying.  I've met women that for whatever reason I did it for them right from the start.  Spending time with *them* was so fun and rewarding.   Also I've met women that barely looked at me at first then grew to be attracted to me over time.   It can happen both ways but personally I much prefer the first.  Maybe he'll run into this woman again sometime and he can ask her out again.  I just haven't seen why he should make going out with her priority #1 right now when she clearly has a take it or leave it attitude.  

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

It all ends up that way anyway. You don't know whether anything will pan out, high interest in the beginning is not always a good measure of success. Basically, it's all a risk.

Of course.  Like I said, it depends on how much time you have to date.  I prefer to spend my time on women that have a higher than normal interest.  They respect your time.  People that could take it or leave it don't have a lot of respect for your time  Does this shrink down my dating pool?  Absolutely.  Doesn't matter to me.  If you want a lot of dates, doing what I do is certainly not the way to go.  

When I had no career, hobbies and had a lot more time on my hands I had so many more dates than I do now.  I prefer dating fewer women that have higher interest.  Ultimately though nothing is a guarantee.

Edited January 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You've never met a guy that from the moment you met them knocked your socks off?  Which means they didn't have to call you twice to set up the date. Surely there hasn't just been lukewarm interest with every guy you've agreed to go out with.

Bolded, absolutely!!  It actually happened that way when I met my fiancé for the first time.  He kissed me within 30 minutes of meeting!😂

But we had been interacting on line for two weeks prior.  So there had been at least some interaction and connection prior to meeting.

But that is so rare, don't you think?  Where it happens instantaneous like that?  Is that what you and the OP expect each time?  

If so, I think that is an unrealistic expectation.  

I don't know what you mean about calling twice to set up a date.  If he asks me out and I have to leave town for a bit, I let him know when I will be returning and he responds "great, I will be in touch then and we will set something up."

NOT, "okay here's my number, give me a call when you get back." 

HE takes the lead, that's all I am saying.

 

Edited January 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 I don't know what you mean about calling twice to set up a date.  If he asks me out and I have to leave town for a bit, I let him know when I will be returning and he responds "great, I will be in touch then and we will set something up."

NOT, "okay here's my number, give me a call when you get back."  HE takes the lead, that's all I am saying.

 

This. It sounds insecure and unsure. She didn’t say no, she said the logistics didn’t work which was met with essentially “ok, you do better then.”

[littleblackheart]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I prefer dating fewer women that have higher interest. 

That's a good approach.

The trick is to determine what 'high interest' mean or translates into. It's extremely rare for me to meet someone who 'knocks my socks off', and even then I prefer a slow burn. That's why I don't use dating apps. Here OP met his interest organically; the way he went about this is completely in synch with a more natural process, from experience.

[Watercolors]

31 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

I actually respect a guy who does that. He's literally telling me I'm not about to control you, you have as much agency as I do in how to go about this. To me it shows class and manners. She can then give him hers with no pressure.

 

I totally disagree with you. A guy giving a woman his number is a non-committal way of him saying to her; I really don’t care if you’re interested in me or not. That is not a gesture that demonstrates he’s not going to control the woman. That’s ridiculous. I think women with low self-esteem will take anything especially a guy’s phone number. Assuming calling him makes her desirable. It doesn’t. It just makes her look desperate to be the one to reach out first. He has way more control that way over her. Because he can screen her phone calls, screen her texts. He can wait days or weeks to get back to her. So your claim that a guy giving a woman his phone number is a way to tell her he’s not gonna control her is bogus.

I’m a lot older than you. So we have a different value system. It shows more self-respect to ask a woman for her number then to just give your number out. In the dating game, nobody has control high interest or low interest at the beginning means nothing.

You actually have to spend time with each other in person and date over a period of time to find out if there’s real chemistry and attraction.

All this time wasted debating online well she better like me or she doesn’t like me then I’m not gonna waste time with her is why online dating has ruined courtship and romance. No one puts the effort into meeting each other in real life anymore.