Heart Broken

[Brokenhearted2021]

Here is my story..... 

 

Been married for 14 years and we always shared the same space.   I was able to see her phone, go look at her drawer to get valuable stuff if needed, share the same meal etc.. You get the point... 

There was one day I was walking by and saw a text message from one of her girlfriends noting what did you say... I saw the message through her watch and proceed to read the rest.   The rest of the mesaage said only if I was not married... I then proceed to look through the phone and I saw a flirtatious text message going in with my wife and another guy at her work.   I have confronted her and said nothing happen that it was only a text.   

That trust was gone.  She began changing her phone password and I was not able to see anything.  There are txt messages that I will see from screen once in a while but not enough to decipher. 

 

2 years now and we are going through the worst ever. She told me she is not inlove with me.   We have 3 kids and I'm willing to work everything out to keep the family.   For me all I wanted is to trust again.  I want to be able to trust her, if she allows me to share the space by having access to phone, even if there is nothing there but just the comfort that I have access will start the trust process. She does not want to and now bringing up wanting to have an open relationship.  Which I would not allow at all.   In the end of that open relationship, I end up losing no matter what.  By agreeing to it, I'm allowing her to sleep with people and the feeling of thinking of that hurts.   She gave me a choice either that or divorce... 

 

I need help on what am I doing wrong here.  I've done every thing for her and this is ruining my emotions and my kids emotions as they are hearing all the argument.  

 

[stillafool]

Your wife is either in an affair or contemplating one.  

1 hour ago, Brokenhearted2021 said:

She told me she is not inlove with me. 

Then you should ask her to leave.  She must think she's in love with the OM.  Do not beg her to stay and act right because that is a waste of time. Let her go, do not chase her or beg her to stay as you will appear weak.  Show her your strength and tell her she is welcomed to leave and act out her fantasy.  Unfortunately this is the only thing that will work.  I'm sorry she isn't thinking more of her kids and how her selfishness will affect their lives.  The woman you married is gone.

[BaileyB]

I’m afraid that still a fool is right. If she is engaging in other relationships, you need to ask her to leave the family home. It’s not good for your children, things will be calmer and happier when she is gone. It will be tough, but you will get through it. Find some support for yourself - a lawyer, a counsellor, a friend or family member. Post here, lots of people have been through it. They will offer wisdom and comfort. But most of all, love those children. They need you now. 

[spiritedaway2003]

If she’s saying she’s not in love anymore, you’ve got way bigger issues than trying to build trust.  If you BOTH want to work on the marriage, then you could benefit from marriage counseling.  If she’s in an affair, MC is useless.  If she wants to open the marriage or divorce, then you already have your answer. I don’t believe in opening a marriage myself because you might as well end it and openly date. That’s just my take.

I know this probably isn’t the response you are looking for, but you snooped into her phone. I’d change the passcode too, even there was NOTHING to hide. If a couple is working on a marriage or trying to reconcile (if there is infidelity), accessing a phone might be an short term option to build trust.  But here’s the thing: you are not even there yet.  You will drive yourself crazy this way if you want to track (or be reassured) what she is doing or not doing. Basically, it is symptom of a much larger trust issue. Asking for phone access isn’t looking at the big picture.  Switch up that order.

I agree with the Bailey. Maybe she could move out first (since she’s the one who brought up divorce) and things will be calmer at home for the kids.  If she is in a affair, the reality might hit her too (this could go either way for you).  

Protect the kids. They don’t need to hear all those arguments. Find support for yourself too.

Edited January 14, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Brokenhearted2021]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m afraid that still a fool is right. If she is engaging in other relationships, you need to ask her to leave the family home. It’s not good for your children, things will be calmer and happier when she is gone. It will be tough, but you will get through it. Find some support for yourself - a lawyer, a counsellor, a friend or family member. Post here, lots of people have been through it. They will offer wisdom and comfort. But most of all, love those children. They need you now. 

Thank you, thus the raason to my post to seek advice/guidance.  Need someone to splap me and say to open my eyes. 

[Brokenhearted2021]

9 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

If she’s saying she’s not in love anymore, you’ve got way bigger issues than trying to build trust.  If you BOTH want to work on the marriage, then you could benefit from marriage counseling.  If she’s in an affair, MC is useless.  If she wants to open the marriage or divorce, then you already have your answer. I don’t believe in opening a marriage myself because you might as well end it and openly date,m. That’s just my take.

I know this probably isn’t the response you are looking for, but you snooped into her phone. I’d change the passcode too, even there was NOTHING to hide. If a couple is working on a marriage or trying to reconcile (if there is infidelity), accessing a phone might be an short term option to build trust.  But here’s the thing: you are not even there yet.  You will drive yourself crazy this way if you want to track (or be reassured) what she is doing or not doing. Basically, it is symptom of a much larger trust issue. Asking for phone access isn’t looking at the big picture.  Switch up that order.

I agree with the Bailey. Maybe she could move out first (since she’s the one who brought up divorce) and things will be calmer at home for the kids.  If she is in a affair, the reality might hit her too (this could go either way for you).  

Protect the kids. They don’t need to hear all those arguments. Find support for yourself too.

Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Brokenhearted2021 said:

. She told me she is not in love with me.   

She does not want to and now bringing up wanting to have an open relationship. 

 She gave me a choice either that or divorce... 

Sorry this is happening. You don't need phone access. She's already stated she is not in love and wants outside relationships.

You need to consult an attorney for info in the event of divorce. 

When did things get this bad and estranged and why?

 

 

[Brokenhearted2021]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You don't need phone access. She's already stated she is not in love and wants outside relationships.

You need to consult an attorney for info in the event of divorce. 

When did things get this bad and estranged and why?

 

 

Thanks for that question so there are more to this... 

 

This started 2 years ago when I saw a flirting text message and at that time I became insecure.   Every now and then I would like to see if there are text or see if she was lying and those arguments just starts because she doesn't want me 'snooping around'. She always bring up that I'm snooping on her and I guess the reason for that is finding to see of she is cheating on me.  I don't have any proof or evidence execpt the fact that I'm being paranoid and insecure and the thought of why hide stuff on your phone, turn off your location if there is nothing to hide.   She did that she said so she cannot be snooping on her.  

 

We still live in the same household, have 3 kids, still do stuff together, still sleep and the same bed, still have sex (some days could be better than other). We still kiss in morning when going to work and coming back.  We still hang out with same friends and have fun and as a couple. 

 

The last couple days of our arguments she brought that up.  We have tried marriage counseling in the past and that seems to work out,  she told me she is unhappy, she feels suffocated (she won't tell me how, why) she feels resentment, she feels depressed.   I told her to seek for a therapist and she refuse to and says she doesn't like to bring out her feelings to anyone.  I said let's try couples therapy and she refuses.   She says we are besides those point that the only thing she will make her happy is to find what she is missing.  She brought up open relationship with restrictions.   No sex, we will communicate every month to talk about if we find someone, if we are are catching feelings for someone.  And that it will only be a year.  If I don't agree, the alternative is divorce. 

It is sad because couple days ago we seemed OK.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Brokenhearted2021 said:

she told me she is unhappy, she feels suffocated (she won't tell me how, why) she feels resentment, she feels depressed. 

Ok, marriage therapy seems like a good idea. She told you why she's resentful.

[Brokenhearted2021]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, marriage therapy seems like a good idea. She told you why she's resentful

She didn't tell me why she is resentful, she also does not want to agree to couples therapy.  Our option that she gave is the open relationship with those restrictions or divorce.   I do plan to go on my own therapy.