Leki Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 I started dating a girl for a few months and we really hit it off. We made an amazing connection and within that time we both had developed strong feelings for each other. Everything was out on the table like planning our future together and also having a family.. Anyway long story short she slowly started pulling away from me.. it went from being intimate and close to almost nothing at all. I asked her if everything was ok?? And she said yes everything is fine. It became difficult for me to communicate with her as that was pretty much all she would say to me. I then got a bit confused at one point and asked her if she needed any help or if there was anything that I could do to make things better for her. Because in all honesty it feels like ive done something wrong and i can feel the distance growing between us.. Well it got to the point where she said to me that my growing concerns about the issue is making her feel up and down and causing her even more stress. So asked her if she wanted me to give her some time to think about things because clearly im not helping this situation. It’s been a week since ive spoken to her or even seen her because she decided she needed space to think about things as i was apparently making it to difficult for her and causing her to be more anxious about the situation. I honestly don’t believe i pushed her in a way where it was causing any harm. I have only tried to show that whatever she is going through im here to support her because i genuinely do love her.. she wants her space and time to think but doesn’t want to lose me at the same time.. she has also said that she’s not sure that if we do get back together that things will even work out. She is still txting me asking how im doing and well just life in general and im at a point where i don’t know wether to respond or just ignore her. I believe in my heart that ive tried to do everything that a partner should do in a relationship. I’m really confused and forced to not think about her so much and focus on my own well being. It’s tough any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Sounds like commitment issues. Talk of the future freaked her out and she ran. In my opinion, commitment phobic people are horrible bets. Maybe a slow fade is best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Why is this under 'friendship'? Is she reconsidering because she saw a side to you that made her uncomfortable? You were the best partner ever in your view. She may have other views. Did you make her feel bad in any way at any point? That said, focusing on your own well being is a good thing in any case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it seems like too much too soon. Step back. She feels crowded and suffocated. You've already addressed your concerns, so all you can do is give her space and see if she comes around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leki Posted January 15, 2021 Author Share Posted January 15, 2021 Thank you guys for your response and yes have just recently spoken to her and she finally admitted that it was to much to soon.. I’ve always been upfront about everything because i feel it’s important in a relationship to be open and honest regardless of how it makes the other person feel. But i guess everyone is different and have different ways of dealing with things. She asked me if i would be ok with just being a friend with benefits, so sex and well just general friendship without the stress of relationship.. and just letting it develop from there. Will give it a go Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 Hi Leki, given that you love her, downgrading yourself to FWB is a fast track way for you to end up feeling hurt and used. She's basically told you that she doesn't want a relationship with you, but you're good enough for a shag and friendship when it suits her. One other thought I have regards you being honest no matter how it makes the other feel. This is a brilliant way to scare people off...or drive them away. I'm in no means suggesting that you keep everything in or play games but being mindful of how we make others feel is basic thoughtfulness. And there's also a time when it's wise to wait before discussing our feelings. In the case of discussing future and family, a couple of months in is too soon. This is infatuation making us feel this way and we need to recognise it as such. Sure, agree to be bf/gf, tell her how much you're enjoying her company...but take one step at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 16, 2021 Share Posted January 16, 2021 (edited) Sounds like she just lost attraction. In my experience when a woman backs away for a little while the worst thing you can do is repeatedly asking her what's wrong. I think calling her once is fine but if she's not wanting to communicate for whatever reason sit back and wait for her to get back in touch. Calling repeatedly, double texting is a bad way to go. She broke up and wants to keep you in a backup role. Is that what you want? I hope not. You seem to have developed pretty strong feelings for her. I would tell her that's not what I want and tell her it's best that we not see each other anymore, and if she changes her mind about us to give me a call. To ever have a shot with her again, you have to walk away and be willing to lose her forever. If instead you want to give her exactly what she wants (you as a backup) while you not getting what you want, go ahead. She won't ever respect you the same though, and you're not going to feel good about yourself though waiting on her phone call, take it from soneone who knows. Oh, and she's probably dating someone else. Edited January 16, 2021 by dramafreezone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leki Posted January 16, 2021 Author Share Posted January 16, 2021 I hear exactly what you guys are saying but at the time honestly the feelings were definitely mutual.. just something changed along the way and she had a hard time expressing herself to me as she’s never had that before. Her relationships in the past have been either abusive, toxic or just plain loveless. It’s hard because i have developed strong feelings for her in such a small amount of time. But perhaps it’s me and my wanting to be with her and make her happy. It’s a s*** feeling to want someone so much and to have them then turn around and say “ I need space” or can we just be friends? I mean have sex but just without the pressure of a relationship. I don’t know.. I’m pretty old school and will never understand it lol but in saying that im going to respect her wishes and give her space. Meanwhile focus on myself and what i need to do in order to move forward and be happy. She also wants us to not date other people.. so i guess im kind of glad that she wants to make the effort to sort herself out meanwhile keeping me in her life. If we were free to date other people then i don’t think i could hold on any longer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leki Posted January 16, 2021 Author Share Posted January 16, 2021 Thank you all so much as your comments and advice have put my situation into a better light. Apologies for this is my first time on this site so i didn’t know where to post Link to post Share on other sites
MRSR31 Posted January 16, 2021 Share Posted January 16, 2021 Mixed signals is no signal. 😕 I can guess you both are quite young. It sounds to me like she wanted to like you but couldn't get into it. I recall when I was young feeling like a fraud because I didn't know how to let things evolve. My compensatory mechanism for intolerance to uncertainty and the social awkwardness that surrounds newness when coming of age was friendliness. I think there is no way to not see promise in the expression of youthful face when you want it. I also didn't understand my urges to seek validation. I thought the spontaneous reemergence of an urge to reengage with someone I had previously estranged meant I had changed. I wanted to like the boy with the rank in my social circle and was annoyed by my fixation on flaws. So I would go again and nope. That is what I imagine undergirds what we never forget and later we refer to as baggage. The ties that bind us deny us love. Granted I am talking about when I was in high school. When my generation was in their twenties we rarely coupled and we partied. I wished I had the world at my fingertips like you do now. If you put someone on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on you. Even if you challenge her the motive you want isn't there. IMO. I can't fathom commitment phobia though. I have abandonment issues. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 16, 2021 Share Posted January 16, 2021 4 minutes ago, MRSR31 said: If you put someone on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on you. Yes. OP, you say she doesn't want you to date anyone but she doesn't want to commit to you? That's pretty selfish. What she wants is not more important than what you want. You have to know what you want and not settle for less. It sounds like you have your mind made up though. Going with what she wants will probably result in resentment and more heartache, but I wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leki Posted January 16, 2021 Author Share Posted January 16, 2021 Yes she’s very unsure at this point in time about what she wants. And I’m aware that it’s very selfish of her to even think that i will only bend to her wants and needs. Part of me is wanting to leave and the other part misses her. I ask myself do i want to go through the grief now? Or do i stay in the hopes that she will one day be ready? It’s just hard and i almost wish that i had no emotion about it.. be as hard as a rock so then the transition will be so much more easier. But at the end of the day im only human and im learning from my mistakes. Yes there is a very good chance that she will decide later on that she no longer wants me in her life. Unfortunately it’s not up to me and all i can do right now is try to be better then i was. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 16, 2021 Share Posted January 16, 2021 Ok. Sometimes these type of things just keep cycling around from friends to FWB to lovers and so on. All this essentially does is end in heartaches and headaches, when one of you gets off the merry-go-round. Decide what is best for you and what you want from a situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 If it were me I would have said sure to the FWB thing and hooked up sooner rather than later. Then just play it cool with her from here on out, and keep your options open. Don't suffocate her and let her come around. If she doesn't, what have you lost? It's only been a few months anyway. It's far too soon to expect a future with somebody, in my opinion. I mean, I'll never plan a future with somebody I've known for 60 days. That's insane. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 On 1/16/2021 at 12:03 AM, Leki said: She asked me if i would be ok with just being a friend with benefits, so sex and well just general friendship without the stress of relationship.. and just letting it develop from there. Will give it a go Bad idea. Woman here, and I can tell you that she will lose all kinds of respect for you if you go along with this. It's never wise to agree to be a surrogate boyfriend, and provide all the benefits of a relationship to someone who doesn't' want to do any of the emotional and committed-oriented work in return. So, she might be happy if you play along with her idea, but it's not going to help get the relationship back on track. It will simply show her that you don't have much of a backbone, which in the end, is never that attractive. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leki Posted January 17, 2021 Author Share Posted January 17, 2021 Yes looking back it was to soon to have that conversation. Even though at the time it was both of us who were more than happy and comfortable to talk about those things so early on.. yes we got together recently and decided that Fwb would be ok for now as she still wants me in her life. And she doesn’t want us dating other people which kind of showed me that somewhere in there she’s torn.. that was one the reasons why i had agreed. However it’s probably not a good idea as i agree with you in that it will show that I’m weak and the relationship will most probably never be the same. I will distance myself because now i think i need time and space to sort myself out. I don’t deserve this and will not be with someone that doesn’t know what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 4 minutes ago, Leki said: And she doesn’t want us dating other people which kind of showed me that somewhere in there she’s torn Have a look around these forums to see how that often turns out, Leki. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 (edited) Bud, wakeup. She doesn’t want you but doesn’t want YOU dating others? Why would you want someone like this? There is no one and only soulmate. There are others who could fit that bill. In the meantime you’re going to waste time/life on this that you’ll never get back? WHY? Edited January 17, 2021 by Marc878 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 (edited) Women don’t like doormats and drop them like a bad habit. After they’re finished. Edited January 17, 2021 by Marc878 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 On 1/14/2021 at 3:13 AM, Leki said: It’s tough any advice? Let her go. She likes falling in love, hence you two moving too fast. A few months in the "future" is no more then a few months hence. Maybe you talk about this summer together. You certain;y don't make concrete plans about forever & having a family. Now that you've been together a while her commitment issues & unwillingness to put in the work to sustain a relationship are showing. You can be her FWB assuming you actually get benefits if you want but you'd be a fool to agree to exclusivity. If you do, you're just a puppet on a string letting her jerk your chain to feed her ego. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 On 1/15/2021 at 5:03 PM, Leki said: I’ve always been upfront about everything because i feel it’s important in a relationship to be open and honest regardless of how it makes the other person feel. It is important to be honest in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you have to play all your cards at one time. That’s actually the beautiful thing about relationships, they grow and develop over time. It is important to take it slow and enjoy every stage of relationship development... too much too soon causes people to back away as you have seen. Or, the relationship will just fizzle out because there is nowhere else for it go... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 6 hours ago, Leki said: And she doesn’t want us dating other people She doesn’t get to make that decision anymore... she is not your girlfriend. If she doesn’t like the fact that you may be dating or sleeping with other women, she shouldn’t be FWB with you. Its seriously entitled of her to say”I don’t want to put the effort into a relationship, but I also don’t want you to have a relationship with anyone else.” No way, it doesn’t work like that. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) On 1/15/2021 at 6:03 PM, Leki said: She asked me if i would be ok with just being a friend with benefits, so sex and well just general friendship without the stress of relationship.. and just letting it develop from there. Will give it a go Take your heart completely out of it. No dates, no texting/calling unless it's for sex. Quote And she doesn’t want us dating other people No, that's not how FWB works. She doesn't get girlfriend perks and she doesn't get to dictate to you what you can do. She willingly removed herself from that classification in your life. She doesn't get to come back when she's bored or the other dude ain't acting right and she wants attention. Edited January 23, 2021 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) On 1/16/2021 at 8:54 PM, Highndry said: If it were me I would have said sure to the FWB thing and hooked up sooner rather than later. Then just play it cool with her from here on out, and keep your options open. Don't suffocate her and let her come around. If she doesn't, what have you lost? It's only been a few months anyway. It's far too soon to expect a future with somebody, in my opinion. I mean, I'll never plan a future with somebody I've known for 60 days. That's insane. FWB is amazing, the ideal set up for a man, with the huge caveat that the guy hasn't already built a strong attachment. I think there are very few men that can handle a FWB after developing an attachment (I know I couldn't) so it's just best that he cut it off completely. If she's ready to come back under terms that are acceptable to the both of them, then good. Personally, I think she just said that FWB thing to let him down easy. I just think she wants to date other people and he'll never see the "benefits" again until he pulls away from her completely, don't agree to her arrangements. Edited January 23, 2021 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, dramafreezone said: FWB is amazing, the ideal set up for a man, with the huge caveat that the guy hasn't already built a strong attachment. I think there are very few men that can handle a FWB after developing an attachment (I know I couldn't) so it's just best that he cut it off completely. If she's ready to come back under terms that are acceptable to the both of them, then good. Personally, I think she just said that FWB thing to let him down easy. I just think she wants to date other people and he'll never see the "benefits" again until he pulls away from her completely, don't agree to her arrangements. What kind of attachment could somebody really have after 2 months? This thing is in its infancy. I don't look at this as very complicated. It's either: a) he agrees to a booty call situation or b) he never sleeps with her again and moves on I'd opt for "a" myself, because why not? A sex partner isn't a bad thing. He just needs to downgrade her in his mind. Have sex with her but be looking for something better the whole time. Once he finds a better one, he moves on. Edited January 23, 2021 by Highndry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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