littleblackheart Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 My friend's partner has taken the habit of going on a revenge spree to emotionally control her every time she says or does something he perceives as a slight. His threshold for perceived slight is pretty low, for context. He uses his extensive network of friends to humiliate or degrade her in public, twists her words to make it sound like she is unstable, blackmails her into staying in the relationship with talks of not wanting to be abandoned, uses her past or confessions she stupidly made to him against her, etc. It's a non exhaustive list. I think she's mad to stay. She's all about the 'connection' and the 'promise' made not to leave him. It's like she's under a spell. People should be free to leave a relationship at any point without guilt or fear, no? Have any of you used this method, revenge, to keep control of your partner and managed to change their way? Or should she run for the hills? What would advise her? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 No. This sounds crazy and your friend needs therapy to get to the root of her lack of self esteem. I wouldn't advise her anything if this is what she wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted January 14, 2021 Author Share Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, stillafool said: No. This sounds crazy and your friend needs therapy to get to the root of her lack of self esteem. I wouldn't advise her anything if this is what she wants. Agreed. She doesn't know what she wants. That's a big problem. Edited January 14, 2021 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 13 minutes ago, stillafool said: I wouldn't advise her anything if this is what she wants. Agreed. She has to work through something I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted January 14, 2021 Author Share Posted January 14, 2021 13 minutes ago, Ellener said: Agreed. She has to work through something I guess. She does. Baffling to witness. Hope she's going to be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) God that sounds insane, what a disgusting thing to do to your own partner. Hope she wakes up one day. Edited January 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed inappropriate comment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) Is she the type to grumble and even exagerrate about the bad but not discuss the good? Sounds like her priorities arise from lovey-dovey talk "the 'connection' and the 'promise" and she just vents to you. One thing - how does he manage to assemble all of his friends to "humiliate or degrade her in public" when and where as well as how? cuz that would take a lot of organising. Does he get on the phone ...? Edited January 14, 2021 by deepthinking 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 She should run for the hills but she won't until she's ready. No amount of logic or reason will convince her to do as you say. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted January 14, 2021 Author Share Posted January 14, 2021 6 minutes ago, deepthinking said: Is she the type to grumble and even exagerrate about the bad but not discuss the good? Sounds like her priorities arise from lovey-dovey talk "the 'connection' and the 'promise" and she just vents to you. Not her style, no. She very rarely shares stuff or asks for support or advice. 9 minutes ago, deepthinking said: One thing - how does he manage to assemble all of his friends to "humiliate or degrade her in public" when and where as well as how? cuz that would take a lot of organising. Does he get on the phone ...? Apparently he has a bucketful of time and energy to spend on this one person. Seems a time waste to me... 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: She should run for the hills but she won't until she's ready. No amount of logic or reason will convince her to do as you say. I think the more we talk, the more she can see the light. She just needs to know she has a support network when she decides on what to do, which she does, and that her hunch is validated. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 4 minutes ago, littleblackheart said: I think the more we talk, the more she can see the light. She just needs to know she has a support network when she decides on what to do, which she does, and that her hunch is validated. Good but you need to listen more than talk. Ask pointed Qs so she reaches her own conclusions. Do be there as a support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 4 hours ago, littleblackheart said: She's all about the 'connection' and the 'promise' made not to leave him. It's like she's under a spell. People should be free to leave a relationship at any point without guilt or fear, no? Read up on 'Stockholm Syndrome'. Many in abusive relationships are so brainwashed they can't leave. Don't talk about their relationship. She needs professional advice. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 4 hours ago, littleblackheart said: Have any of you used this method, revenge, to keep control of your partner and managed to change their way? Or should she run for the hills? What would advise her? Seriously? Of course she should run for the hills. She is in an abusive relationship. So basically she is choosing to stay in an abusive relationship. Nothing you say or do can make her do anything. If you've already told her your opinion, and she's choosing to stay, then you should really just take a step back and stay out of it. At the risk of using a phrase that is becoming a cliche on this board.... you are not her therapist. Only she can choose to make a change in her life. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 4 hours ago, littleblackheart said: Or should she run for the hills? What would advise her? I think I'd advise her to consider seeking help from resources for battered women and then get out of there. While there's no physical abuse, this does sound like a pattern of emotional abuse and it could in theory intensify. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 Run for the hills, but do it safely as such controlling people are usually just one step away from physical abuse. Unless she promised to love him even if he abused her (even then) she is not breaking her "promise" to leave an abuser (even if just emotional and verbal). In my book a person who abuses you has broken their promises to you, and you are perfectly morally and ethically justified to leave. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted January 15, 2021 Author Share Posted January 15, 2021 On 1/14/2021 at 6:36 PM, ShyViolet said: At the risk of using a phrase that is becoming a cliche on this board.... you are not her therapist. Only she can choose to make a change in her life I'm not sure I agree with this. When I was in an abusive relationship, what has helped me come to my senses was talking it over with close friends and family over and over. Their validation of my feelings (because they knew him) gave me the courage to leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted January 15, 2021 Author Share Posted January 15, 2021 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: Run for the hills, but do it safely as such controlling people are usually just one step away from physical abuse. Agreed. She needs a plan on how to extricate herself while keeping herself safe. 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: In my book a person who abuses you has broken their promises to you, and you are perfectly morally and ethically justified to leave True, but easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 1 hour ago, littleblackheart said: I'm not sure I agree with this. When I was in an abusive relationship, what has helped me come to my senses was talking it over with close friends and family over and over. Their validation of my feelings (because they knew him) gave me the courage to leave. Yes close friends and family are the best people to talk these situations over with and you're lucky you have them to turn to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted January 15, 2021 Author Share Posted January 15, 2021 27 minutes ago, stillafool said: Yes close friends and family are the best people to talk these situations over with and you're lucky you have them to turn to. I am lucky and grateful to have them, and so is she. I appreciate that not everyone has this choice, though. Link to post Share on other sites
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