I wanna move on to better things.

[Valleyfordgegirl]

Long story short: This guy and I were friends. We cared for each other. He was getting a condo, and basically talked about me moving in with him. He made a promise to spend Christmas with me, and broke it because he felt like I wasn't paying enough attention to him, and that I needed mental help. At some point, he told me he will not get the condo because he didn't have 2 years of taxes. So to cheer him up, I made him a fancy elaborate house model that lights up and everything with a cool driveway and front yard with a sign that says "SOLD". It was just a gesture to let him know one day he'll own something better than a condo; a house. I do this professionally, so you best believe I took a lot of time making this. You could even hang your keys on the house model, so it doubles as a house key hook and night light. Anyway, we're not talking anymore, and I pretty much don't want anything to do with him at this point if he's gonna be controlling about when I can text him, and when I can't. I just still have the Christmas gift I made for him still wrapped up in the back of my closet. I don't wanna look at it anymore because looking at it doesn't give me closure. 

 

I decided to write a closure letter to him, along with asking him out to a public place to just give him his gift that I spent weeks on making, my closure letter explaining myself to him, and then afterwards just block him so I can move on knowing nothing was left unsaid. It's not a vindictive letter. It's just a letter explaining myself, telling him what he needs to work on for his next relationship, and showing him there's no hard feelings. I'm dead set on giving the gift because I already made it way before he broke everything off with me, so I'm posting this because I wanna see if someone can convince me not to. 

[d0nnivain]

The closure letter will fall on deaf ears.  He doesn't want to read it & it won't care what it says. It may solidify in his mind his opinion that you need mental help.  It's still good that you wrote out all of your feelings because that way you get them off your chest.  

Give him the present if you like but I'd mail it. Don't bother wasting your time meeting him. 

[Valleyfordgegirl]

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The closure letter will fall on deaf ears.  He doesn't want to read it & it won't care what it says. It may solidify in his mind his opinion that you need mental help.  It's still good that you wrote out all of your feelings because that way you get them off your chest.  

Give him the present if you like but I'd mail it. Don't bother wasting your time meeting him. 

But don't you think mailing the gift is kind of stalkerish? I don't want him knowing I was at his house without warning. I'd say texting him and giving him the heads up about all of this is better so that he can feel like he has control over the situation for what happens. As for the letter, I mean...I still kind of want to know if he wants it or not. If he says no to either or both, then that's that. 

[stillafool]

If you don't want the model that you made just sell it on eBay or something.  It along with the closure letter will fall on deaf ears.  He won't appreciate it the way you think he will and may somehow feel obligated or guilty by receiving them.

[Valleyfordgegirl]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

If you don't want the model that you made just sell it on eBay or something.  It along with the closure letter will fall on deaf ears.  He won't appreciate it the way you think he will and may somehow feel obligated or guilty by receiving them.

I don't want to make him feel guilty, but if he feels guilty, that's because he himself wants to feel that way. I just want to explain my feelings to him that I couldn't explain when my anxiety was so high. You guys need to talk about positive outcomes. After all, there's people that sent letters to exes and they actually got positive responses.

[MRSR31]

Check out the youtube video by Phantogram You don't get me high anymore. Fill your mind with new things and you will be free. My wings are healing too my dear.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Valleyfordgegirl said:

I just want to explain my feelings to him that I couldn't explain when my anxiety was so high. You guys need to talk about positive outcomes. After all, there's people that sent letters to exes and they actually got positive responses.

There are far more people who got no response & a fair # who got negative responses where the recipient used the letters to mock & humiliate the sender.  

IMO sending this letter has more downsides the potential positives.  You seem to be seeking some validation from him that he understands your position.  Sadly, he probably doesn't care about your position or the things you want to explain to him.  He has already written him off.  

I tell you all this not solely for the sake of being a wet blanket but to possibly protect you from further emotional harm.  I just don't see this working out the way you want it to.  Most probably outcome both the letter & the house model go in the trash.  He's also going to interpret the house & you mocking him for his failure to get the condo.  This is not going to be well received.  You would be better off selling the thing.  

 

[maggiemtn]

I really don’t think any of this is a good idea. The gift is thoughtful but to me it would just be a reminder of failure. It would not be something I’d want to look at after I’d been turned down for a house. 
 

As far as your closure letter, I’ve written one or two in my life. They do nothing but make you feel worse. You’re very likely to get no response and then you’ll feel like you need to write another, or call, etc. It will only prolong your own suffering. 
 

The best thing you can do is leave well enough alone. No letters, no gifts. That’s my advice. 

[Lorenza]

Don't send that letter. When you're done with someone, closure letters and other emotional stuff is nothing more than cringeworthy. When my ex wrote me something like that, I just wished he didn't as it was both sad and embarassing at the same time. Most likely he will roll his eyes and in the best case, answer something out of sheer politeness. Closure is something personal - you've written your thoughts down and it should not matter so much if gets to hear them. 

Get rid of the present - sell it on Etsy, give it away. Do you think this guy will cherish your hardwork and keep it forever? He will most likely get rid of it in some way as well, sooner or later. Better some collector gets it and actually appreciates it. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Valleyfordgegirl said:

You guys need to talk about positive outcomes. 

What positive outcome are you looking for? Getting back together? 

Why not send him a picture of it and ask if he wants it. That will answer all your questions without a face-to-face scene.

What do your friends and family suggest?

[chillii]

l never agree with all the bs and games about not to do something like that with an ex , letters or whatever it is. lf we need to give an ex a letter or whatever, enough of the bs, just do it . lt makes no difference , the world won't come to an end if you do and anyone is well aware that nothing might come of it but on the other hand the ex might at least read it and understand , or look at the model and love that you did that for him. But you will know that you've done and said what you needed to instead of wondering and regretting for the next 10 yrs.

lf l want to give the ex something , to hell with the bs , l would and l did. She might've flushed it down the toilet and if she did tough, l did what l needed to do. But l know her and l know she wouldn't have and l know that she knows now what l needed to say.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, EternalClarity said:

When my ex wrote me something like that, I just wished he didn't as it was both sad and embarassing at the same time.

I had an ex do the same thing and after reading the first page I felt so bad I just threw the rest away.  He didn't know that but at least he got his say.  This is why I tell people not to send them.

[littleblackheart]

23 hours ago, Valleyfordgegirl said:

It's just a letter explaining myself, telling him what he needs to work on for his next relationship, and showing him there's no hard feelings.

I don't think the bolded is a wise idea. It actually does sound a little vindictive. On this basis alone, I'd advise you not to send it.

 

[ShyViolet]

On 1/14/2021 at 9:24 AM, Valleyfordgegirl said:

It's not a vindictive letter. It's just a letter explaining myself, telling him what he needs to work on for his next relationship, and showing him there's no hard feelings. 

A letter "telling him what he needs to work on"?  It's not your place to tell him what he needs to work on.  This letter is unnecessary and won't help anything.  If it makes you feel better to get all your thoughts out on paper and write a letter, then write the letter to him and then burn it or whatever.  But don't give it to him.  It's too much.

And honestly, giving him the gift now would just be super weird.  Give it to someone else, sell it, drop it off at a thrift store, whatever.  He already broke off plans with you and told you that you "need mental help", I don't understand why you're still wanting to give him anything.  Leave this guy alone.