Michelle12345 Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 So I hope someone has some advice. I am 47 and single. Basically been single for 23 years. Mostly because I was in no position to have a relationship as long as my ex husband (father of my children) was around. He would've made the children and my life hell. 2 years ago he broke off all contact with us so I finally feel free and save to actually get on with my life. A friend advised me to go onto a dating app because it's not like I have a great social life and meet men. Looking through the pictures I just could not imagine myself hugging or kissing one of those men, even the ones I thought were kinda cute and my type. Besides being very insecure I was creeped out by that thought. The relationship with my ex husband was not good and being affectionate was practically non existing. My ex boyfriend, I dated for 6 years before I met my ex husband was the best boyfriend someone could wish for. So I know how things should and can be. They are not all jerks. The more I miss a relationship the more I seem to think about how good things were with my boyfriend which does not help if I want to give a new man any fair chance. I am just worried that no men will understand the situation I was in and think being in a relationship is the most normal thing in the world. I have a good friend, known him for 12 years. We have a mutual hobby and we'd go to conferences together and stuff. He helped me move house and was the only one there several weekends, back to back helping to get the new and old house ready. 2 years ago as we were having a serious talk, I told him I liked him since the day I met him but he was married at the time (divorced for years now) and married men are obviously off limits. He then told me he was attracted to me too but coming out of a horrible relationship he wasn't sure if he ever wanted a new relationship. Since that moment we did kiss a few times but no tingeling sensation or whatever from my part. I even dread getting that tingling feeling when you first kiss someone. I am also aware of shutting out any other feelings and that I make sure that the kisses were just a small peck like you'd give to a friend. And now I don't even think he is attractive anymore. But when I don't see him for a week I really miss him. So what is going on? Am I so screwed up from my marriage that my brains are scared or worried about being in a relationship? J do have to say that my ex husband did not abuse me but had some strong narcissistic tendencies and was draining me mentally. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 7 minutes ago, Michelle12345 said: But when I don't see him for a week I really miss him. 7 minutes ago, Michelle12345 said: So what is going on? You just miss have attention from a man and that is why you miss him when he isn't around. Don't use him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michelle12345 Posted January 14, 2021 Author Share Posted January 14, 2021 14 minutes ago, stillafool said: You just miss have attention from a man and that is why you miss him when he isn't around. Don't use him. Thank you for those few sentences with little to no advice, without empathy, assuming that I was using him. As I said I liked him since the day I met him, 12 years ago. He was married at the time so no point in telling him how I felt. And now I know he is attracted to me too I am no longer attracted to him or maybe I don't want to admit it. So how is that wanting attention? Ow, and for the record (I did not think I had to mention this but I guess I do so people won't assume things) I did not twist his arm or ask for his help during my move. He offered and after it was done I put 500 Euro (my last savings) and a Thank you card in his mailbox. Knowing he would not accept it if I had given it as friends help eachother. But I don't like owing people anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 There is no one-size-fits all in dating and relationships. I wonder, given your prior relationship history, perhaps you prefer a companionship based approach at this stage? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 52 minutes ago, Michelle12345 said: And now I don't even think he is attractive anymore. You said above that you aren't attracted to him anymore but when you don't talk to him in a week you miss him. So my opinion is you miss having a male around. I really don't know what your reasons are. Sorry I bothered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) 23 years without a romantic relationship is a long time. It seems like there was some damage done to your psyche & self-esteem that you may not be aware of. You developed an affection of sorts for your male friend because he was kind to you. When you kissed you purposely kept those kisses platonic. No gown adult gets the "tingles" from a peck. Your only real relationship experience was a bad marriage in your 20s & whatever childish innocent experiences you had as a teen. None of that prepared you for dating at middle age, when you have been out of circulation for two decades. The idea that hugging or kissing a man "creeps you out" is unhealthy. You may need to do some deep soul searching possibly with a therapist to see how you came to be so asexual. I suspect you shut that part of yourself down so much because you were so afraid of the hell your EX would unleash if he knew you were dating. That deep seated fear is probably blocking something in you now. It had to be horrible living in that type of psychological prison. Edited January 14, 2021 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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