LazyChipmunk Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 I want to start by saying I plan to discuss this with my doctor but would love to ease my mind in some way. Backstory: i grew up with a narcissistic father who controlled my mother and my siblings and me. I was homeschooled and had and have no friends still at 28. I was in 2 relationships beginning college and both ended up sexually assaulting me. 6 month relationships. I got therapy once a month for 3 years. To now: I met an amazing guy and opened my heart to him. I have trust issues because I do not want to be hurt. We were together for 6 years and I planned on marrying him and wanted to have a family with him. This last year however has changed things. I was in an accident leaving me with injuries that will be with me for a lifetime. This trauma caused me to have worst PTSD and then relationship issues because with the accident I was hurt by my boyfriends family member who was driving. We argued for 2 months off and on and he kept his stance that it was an accident, and this hurt me deeply. I Felt he was chosing his family over me and this made me feel like I couldnt rely on him anymore as well as that he broke my trust. Ultimately he ended up blocking those family members but I still am to this day unable to trust him because of this. This event was traumatic as I almost could have died and I still have physical issues that remind me of it daily. My doctor said my PTSD was back between the accident and even with my relationship problems I was beginning to worry about my boyfriend breaking my trust again. Fast forward a few months. I became unexpectedly pregnant. When I shared this with my boyfriend he had a panic attack because we both did not have jobs and we lived separately at the time. He apologized with a letter the next day telling me how happy he was, but this is the issue that deeply hurt me. In that moment of a panic attack I felt DEEP rejection. I went home that night and cried. I felt like he didnt want to have a family with me, that he didnt want me and that something was wrong with me as if I was not enough for him. Even after reading the letter I felt devastated still despite what he said because his actions showed panic. His actions in that moment broke my heart because he should have been happy and when he was not anything he said going forward I could not believe because he broke my trust. I decided because of this to have an abortion because I felt vulnerable from the accident, and I felt I could not rely on him from the fighting that happened after the accident. So feeling that way (vulnerable)then having him panic caused me to decide that I do not feel we are meant to be together and that having a child with someone like him is something I could not do. I felt extreme rejection when I shared the news and this literally broke my heart. He supported me with appointments and even the day of the abortion. He told me he wanted to get married and have a family in the future still despite this. But I couldn't feel this way again after this pain. When he would share those feelings it pushed me further away because I was not able to think like that and I would distant my from him. The abortion was traumatic for me because I wanted to keep my baby, but I felt so vulnerable and rejected that I could not and even parts of me blamed my boyfriend. I lost all trust in him because of this, I felt like I will never go through this again and I am not guranteed that he would not ever panic again if we got pregnant again. I was scared of that rejection happening again and could not trust him. So that was traumatizing. Then we had COVID. And further I started working a job that people talked behind my back at, this was my first full time job and I felt exhausted constantly. Finally my boyfriend was becoming needy as we were only spending 1-2 days a week together. I didn't share with him what was happening but in my mind I was worried with him, I felt everytime I thought of the accident or the abortion I pictured him and this hurt me. After 4 or so months of this only 2 days a week seeing each other we had our first ever blowout argument. During those 4 months atleast 2-3 times a month he would cry to me asking for more time and that he was willing to step up and put himself into the stuff in my life if it meant he was able to see me more. We took a walk and he surprised me by telling me he planned a trip for my birthday that we could go somewhere nice. But then I mentioned my families trip 2 weeks before this, and I forgot to mention my sisters husbands friend went. He began crying saying he wasn't even invited yet a friend to a husband got to go and he felt even more excluded. I blew up and told him I was pissed. He was crying most of the blowout because he felt excluded from my life and in my mind he was being needy. I got angry and told him we need a break. I told him he pissed me off because I just spent the last 5 days working and I wanted to relax this weekend. As well, with all the crying he has been doing since our abortion and being needy I told him that he is bringing such negativity into my life and he is bringing me down. We took a month break and halfway into it I couldn't take it any longer. I met with him and ended things. During this conversation I opened up to him and told him how I felt. I told him that I felt suicidal because of him and our relationship. I told him that I thought of ways I could leave the relationship and had suicidal thoughts to escape the negativity that I felt with him and the pain that he brought onto me from the accident and the arguments we had as well as the abortion and his panic attack. Then I told him how my heart was shattered into many pieces because of him and that I now felt like a shell of who I once was. He simply apologized for everything, crying, and continued to ask to work on things in some way. I told him I cannot because I connect him to these horrible things and I have no trust left for him. He was very sad and finally asked to be friends following our breakup. I agreed, but a week into and he was asking how I was doing and I told him I could not be friends any longer. That it was too hard for me and that I need a clean slate. I ended this by telling him maybe in a few years of healing we could be friends, and he told me he loved me, would pray for me and that I am strong and can overcome this, and hoped one day we could be together again. Since then I removed him from everything and I explained to him during that final conversation that I connect him to those traumatic events. When I think of him I think of bad memories. Further I told him about the abortion and how had he not panicked and made me feel the most rejected I had ever in my life and broke my heart by his actions that I likely would not have got an abortion. He seemed devastated by this and really hurt. I asked him for no contact so I can heal and we have been No Contact for 5 months. Regarding what happened. How can I forgive him for breaking my trust, breaking my heart and hurting me so deeply?
Author LazyChipmunk Posted January 15, 2021 Author Posted January 15, 2021 2 hours ago, trident_2020 said: You don't need to forgive him. What do you mean by that?
Negotaurus Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 (edited) We don't know the full story. But you sure are making a lot of accusations against him. I can't blame him for panicking when he found out you were pregnant - like you said, you were both jobless and not ready. I can't blame him for the accident and for defending his family - for all I know, it truly was an accident. I can't blame him for being 'needy' - you were blatantly ignoring his needs and wishes in a relationship, giving him nothing to go off of, leaving him in the dark. I can't blame him for your suicidal thoughts - and neither should you. NEVER put that onto somebody. I got angry reading about him crying and begging, then you basically slapping him in the face due to your own deep-rooted issues. That is not fair. It is your burden to deal with, don't project your past hurt onto him. I am deeply sorry for what you have gone through. But I think you would benefit greatly from more therapy. Be fully honest and open with a neutral professional and talk it out. Don't contact him again. And if I am fully honest, I don't think you are the 'victim' in this case. I see what you say, I hear you when you talk about what you have gone through. But it is your choice now, as an adult, to guide yourself to a better future. I think you are twisting a lot of what happened. This is not an attack but an honest perspective from somebody who was also raised by a narcissist, who began to manipulate, gaslight and play the victim in every situation thanks to what I learned. This is your life, you have control, own it and admit it. Be kind, open and genuine, or work on yourself till you are ready to be. I know you are hurt, talking to a therapist will help you gain clearer perspective. Our past pain does not give us the right to be unfair to others. I think that is what you have done here. Edited January 15, 2021 by Negotaurus 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 Check with an attorney. If you are having serious sequelae from the accident, the driver's insurance should be paying the medical bills . 1
stillafool Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 I can't blame him for his reaction to the pregnancy considering neither of you had jobs at the time nor were you married. I would have panicked too because babies cost money. You said his family is the blame for the accident but you didn't say how. Did someone purposely drive the car into a tree or something? Otherwise we are thinking it was just an accident and you got hurt. If so, it isn't fair to blame your ex bf for that. I agree you don't need to forgive him just move on because you are so full of resentment for him that it is best that you two are apart.
Acacia98 Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 You have all my sympathy for what you have been through. But, based on your words alone, it seems you don't see your ex as a separate being from you who has the right to have feelings of his own and to express those feelings. Panic is a normal response to the news that one is going to be a parent. It was not a rejection of you. It was a reaction to the question of whether he was prepared to play that role (financially, psychologically, etc.). Men experience fear too, you know? I suspect you experienced some fear or apprehension too when you learned you were pregnant. If that's the case, that was not a rejection of him, right? Your ex has my sympathy too. I agree with the sentiment that you have been unfair and even cruel to him. Perhaps you're simply not ready to share your life with someone yet. Perhaps when you're in so much pain, it's difficult to see other people clearly. It's fine that you decided to end the relationship under the circumstances. Do what you need to do (I mean emotionally healthy stuff) to put your painful experiences to rest and move on. But please don't reach out to him. That is the kindest thing you can do for him. 1
Author LazyChipmunk Posted January 15, 2021 Author Posted January 15, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, stillafool said: I can't blame him for his reaction to the pregnancy considering neither of you had jobs at the time nor were you married. I would have panicked too because babies cost money. You said his family is the blame for the accident but you didn't say how. Did someone purposely drive the car into a tree or something? Otherwise we are thinking it was just an accident and you got hurt. If so, it isn't fair to blame your ex bf for that. I agree you don't need to forgive him just move on because you are so full of resentment for him that it is best that you two are apart. The accident was on an ATV. His cousin was driving it and I assumed she would drive safe and had her license. We were going to a blackberry patch taking trails and my ex and her father were following but on the road in a car. We had to go onto the road for about a mile. During this mile we hit a very sharp corner and she took it sharp by going into the other lane. It was so sharp we didn't see ahead of us nor could my ex see what happened despite being right behind. During this, she and I were involved in a head on collison with a truck coming at us at like 20 miles per hour. His cousin shifted left to hit the ditch but we hit the corner and were ejected onto the ground. Luckily we were wearing helmets. My ex ran to my side and his cousins father to his cousins side. They were on our sides until we got to the hospital. During then my ex was with me and again her father was with her. I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury, a level 2 tear in my knee muscle (im a runner and can't without pain any longer) a deviated septum, a quarter sized hole in my leg from scraping, bumps and bruises, and then PTSD/CPTSD (from the year of horrible things). At the hospital my ex was in my room the whole time and when I was released he rolled me into the room with his cousin. Her mom was there and she asked me for my wheelchair for my daughter and this was hurtful. And also, her father asked if I told my parents as if he was worried, which offended me. We went home and on the way her father bought me flowers. Then we got back, and at the house my ex got me into the room and set up me to take a shower. He helped undress me, waited in the bathroom to make sure I didnt fall, then helped me get dressed. We watched funny movies because he tried to taoe my mind off everything. But then his aunt came in and asked him to help by finishing his cousins test. He said he doesnt want to but then she convinced by telling him that his grandparents (owner of ATV) could be sued. He did his cousins ATV driving test because she only did part one of 10 before driving earlier, he did it right in front of me on the bed and this broke my trust, hurt me, and further made me feel he chose his family over me. He stayed up all night to make sure I was fine with hitting my head and such. Going home, he tried to be as comforting as possible but having hurt my trust I was feeling both physically and emotionally destroyed. I was so vulnerable and felt that him taking that test hurt me that he would try to cover up his cousins damages. He dropped me off at my parents house and the next few days I heard nothing from his family only my ex. My father was furious and immediately wanting to pursue legal action as well as break up with my ex. Telling me he would never approve of us being together because my ex let me get onto the ATV. Fast forward a month and i brought up suing my exes grandparents because their the owners of the ATV. He got pissed and defensive, telling me they did nothing and its not right to sue them, that I should sue his uncle because it was his daughter. This hurt me that he got so defensive of them and not me when I was deeply pained. Then is when we started arguing about possibility of his uncle and cousin coming to a wedding in tbe future. He would tell me that his uncle is the closest uncle he has amongst his other ones and that I should try to forgive them for him and his happiness if that day came. But I told him on our wedding day I want to be happy and if they come then I won't be happy because the pain they caused. We argued for about a month about this and then finally he blocked his family members and told them he is sticking up for me and that it was wrong not to reach out days after and such things. Further I asked my ex to apologize to my parents and he wrote them an apology letter but was scared to face them because I told him about my dads anger. My parents read this letter and basically dismissed it. Like I told my ex, intentional or not, I was hurt because of their ACTIONS. If you genuinely care about someone your ACTIONS would not hurt someone else. I was hurt to the point of almost death in the accident, he took the test, he then fought me on topic of his family and my trauma, and then he further showed me with his actions during the pregnancy that he rejected me and made me feel worthless when he panicked and got selfish and worried about himself that night. I felt he didnt have hope for us, for himself and for me. Further his ACTIONS of all this hurt I connected him in my brain and it got to a point in which I couldn't seperate him from the painful memories I had of these events. He asked how he could deassociate those connections and I told him I may never, but time may help. He told me how much he changed after we broke up within 2 weeks before I cut him out of my life. I believed he had hopes of getting me back. He started therapy with 2 therapists every week. He got onto antidepressants for his anxiety and depression He got 2 jobs. He was going out and exercising. He was doing all these great things that he SHOULD have been doing months before, but he told me he was still stuck in depression and the break up was a huge wake up call for him. But I simply said the damage has been done and its too little too late for all these changes. He pleaded that he would work on himself to never have another panic attack, but I simply told him that I cannot trust him anymore and I cannot trust he would never hurt me by rejecting me like that again. He cried and said hes trying to do what he can to repair things and I was not giving him a chance. He had his chances and hurt me. He asked if there was any chance we could be together in the future crying, and I told him "No, the pain is too deep, I dont want to marry you, I dont want to have a family with you, I dont even know but maybe theres another person out there that I would have children with, but I dont want to with you anymore, I dont think we are meant to be anymore." And he just sobbed and apologized. Edited January 15, 2021 by LazyChipmunk
stillafool Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 (edited) Well it sounds like you both have been through a lot. Your ex's relative was in the wrong because technically she was driving the ATV illegally (which I'm sure you weren't aware when you climbed aboard. Are you able to sue for damage? They do have insurance I'm sure so turn in a claim. I'm sorry your ex is so hurt but if you trust in him is gone you did the right thing by letting him go. You can't have a relationship, much less a marriage, without trust. Edited January 15, 2021 by stillafool
Author LazyChipmunk Posted January 15, 2021 Author Posted January 15, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: Well it sounds like you both have been through a lot. Your ex's relative was in the wrong because technically she was driving the ATV illegally (which I'm sure you weren't aware when you climbed aboard. Are you able to sue for damage? They do have insurance I'm sure so turn in a claim. I'm sorry your ex is so hurt but if you trust in him is gone you did the right thing by letting him go. You can't have a relationship, much less a marriage, without trust. I am in the process and my ex told my lawyer he would testify for me if needed or wanted. He broke my trust and by no means am I saying this to defer his own damages but I suffered from his actions. He was not the one in the room having those things done to him during the abortion, he didnt get hit by a truck.
stillafool Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 On 1/14/2021 at 6:30 PM, LazyChipmunk said: How can I forgive him for breaking my trust, breaking my heart and hurting me so deeply? It will take time, sometimes years depending on your injuries; but what has helped me to forgive people is prayer. Probably after the some time you will remember fondly that he did testify on your behalf. That was the least he could do. Just stay NC until then so you both can start healing.
Wiseman2 Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 10 hours ago, LazyChipmunk said: I am in the process and my ex told my lawyer he would testify for me if needed or wanted. He broke my trust and by no means am I saying this to defer his own damages but I suffered from his actions. He was not the one in the room having those things done to him during the abortion, he didnt get hit by a truck. Did you post this story several times as both the BF and GF under the screenname ladyfingers? Just curious.
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