prisilv Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 Honestly, I came here because I don't know where else to go. I can't afford therapy or counseling, I can't talk to my friends because I don't want them to know my drama (because my ex and I are unfortunately in the same friend group and I know some snitches in this group), and no matter what I do I can never make any good progress. I feel hopeless, miserable, depressed, and the strongest of them all -- I feel extremely angry and betrayed. How am I supposed to move on if it gets worse everyday. I try to do things that make me happy and things that can improve my confidence, but I'm always reminded of how much I was betrayed by those lies and false promises. I'm not even gonna call myself selfish anymore because it's holding me back. I'll be on my side. My feelings of betrayal and anger are valid and I have every right to feel this way. I don't care if people tell me dumpers have every right to leave, dumpers don't owe you anything, etc. whatever bs. I know. I know they're not obligated to stay. But they don't know my pain. They don't know how much I'm hurting after everything they said to me. How much I've been lied to, all those fake promises people never keep and here I am, being told that I shouldn't be believing in them in the first place. Why doesn't anyone ever tell dumpers to stay true to their word or at least, don't say things they mean. They're liars. I'm mad and I don't like it either. I know I'll get hate for this, especially from dumpers. But I don't care. If you know how to get me out of this hellhole please help me. I'm suffering. I can't do this at all. I want to forget everything but I can't. I don't know where else to express these feelings. Please help me honestly I don't think I'll be able to move on immediately. I want to move on. I want to speed up my moving on progress. But I can't because I'm extremely angry and I know that I'm going to keep holding a grudge forever. I also know I might not ever forgive her. And I also might not ever forgive myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 Sorry this happened. What type of lies was he telling you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author prisilv Posted January 15, 2021 Author Share Posted January 15, 2021 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. What type of lies was he telling you? She lied about being happy in the relationship and wasn't honest about me when she was going through something. Instead she would lash out. And then another one in the beginning of the relationship, she admitted that she only got into a relationship with me because she thought she wouldn't have to face her problems alone in a relationship. She basically admitted that she needed someone to soak up her problems. But then later on, she said that changed and she said she loved me for who i was. But I still feel used. After what she told me during the breakup she said she was "carrying her the weight of her problems on her own" after all. So it's like I never helped her? Now that I'm not of use to her, she just leaves me like that. That and the typical false promises people make in relationships -- Honestly, this stings the most. It's like she only said those things ("I am afraid to lose you", "I'll be miserable without you", etc.) just to soften the blow. I'm aware I made mistakes too in the relationship. But right now, Im only thinking of how betrayed i feel and how much I'm in pain. And i dont know what to do. I feel empty. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 What you feel is just temporary—it’s not who you are. How you were treated isn’t either. Focus on who you are instead of the what you feel. A lot of the injury/anger is egoic; it’s causing you to doubt your worthiness. But you know you are worthy of being loved well, so dispel those fears and love yourself. She said she was with you because she thought it would fix her—that was a flawed proposition to begin with. She has no ability to love outwardly, she is consumed by her problems. You gave love without reciprocation and expected loyalty (at least), but she doesn’t even have what it takes for that. IOW, given what you’ve said about her expectation, this outcome was predictable. She’ll probably rinse and repeat dozens of times. Feel sorry for her rather than being angry. Head up, one day at a time. Take care of yourself and focus forward. Forgive her weakness, embrace your strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 There is no way to expedite it or rush through it. Unfortunately to get on the other side of pain you have to push through it and allow yourself to feel all those feelings: abandonnment, anger, fear, sadness, hopelessness, all that cocktail of feelings will come and go in no particular order. At the beginning of this week I was feeling vivid anger toward my ex and it passed after 2-3 days then I went back to feeling sad again. As time go by these feelings will diminish in intensity and will subside. Expressing these feelings like you're doing here will help, you should let it all out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prisilv Posted January 18, 2021 Author Share Posted January 18, 2021 It just keeps getting worse... and knowing that she's doing okay without me... actually she's doing way better without me. It's funny how they can just move on so easily and be happy and forget about me in an instant Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 It sounds like she had issues of her own to work through. She probably didn't intend for things to go sideways. I broke up with a guy I truly loved last year because I just kept feeling hurt by things he did. I took him back several times and we really tried but for whatever reasons it was not working. You can really care very much about a person and still have to find a way to accept that it isn't workable. Try to rise above the negative mindset, be thankful for what you have, talk to people about how you feel, forgive yourself and her, make the best of what you do have. Time is a healer, but you have to embrace the healing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 It helps you move on and heal when you delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This way you can reflect in peace that this wasn't really great for you and you dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Negotaurus Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 Lots and lots of time. Looking back, I'm mad at myself for wallowing in my pain for so long. All the analysing I did, constantly blaming myself, it was all pointless and a complete waste of time. At the end of the day, none of it mattered. I've come out on the other side, I love myself, I'm 10x happier. I've gotten my feelings hurt plenty of times after that big break up, now I finally have the tools to deal with such matters. Take the pain, accept it and once you're ready, use it to your advantage. You have the opportunity here to really transform your views and way of life. Use it. Personally, I am so grateful for getting my heart broken, for being fooled, used and cheated on. It changed me for the better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 (edited) You feel used because you were used. What you aren't appreciating is that you dodged a bullet when she broke up with you because she wasn't acting like a very nice person. In the long run you will be better off without her. It's just too soon for you to realize that but it will come in time. Like any loss, post break up you go through the 5 stages of grieving. The pace of that varies by the people & the situation but it happens. You don't need a therapist for this very normal process. If you are still wallowing more then 1 year from now, then professional intervention may be in order but for now give yourself time. Alas the best yardstick I ever heard was that it takes 1/2 the duration of the relationship for you to fully get over it. Covid & all the lockdowns don't help because there are fewer outlets. I recommend the following steps: 1. Grieve. Cry. Do whatever you have to do to get it out. Hide in bed for a weekend. Drowned your sorrows (but understand this is a temporary escape that you get to do ONCE not as a permanent means of coping) 2. Purge. Get rid of all the mementos. If you can't throw them out, box them up. Tape the box shut & bury in the attic or better yet at your parents' house especially if you don't live with them. Bottom line, make the box in accessible. This goes for photos too. If you can't bring yourself to delete them, save them to a flash drive & throw the drive in the box 3. Change. Get a new routine. Redecorate. Move your furniture around. Just do something new that doesn't remind you of her. 4. Move. Get active. Speed clean your house. Join a gym (if it's safe). Go running or at least go for a walk. Do a YouTube exercise video. You need the feel good endorphins that come from exercise. 5. Support. Surround yourself with supportive friends & family. I know you said you are in the same friend group & somebody will snitch but there has to be 1 trustworthy confidant in there. If there isn't, it may also be time for new friends. 10 hours ago, prisilv said: It just keeps getting worse... and knowing that she's doing okay without me... actually she's doing way better without me. It's funny how they can just move on so easily and be happy and forget about me in an instant You are projecting. You think you know this but unless you are in her head, you have no proof. It doesn't matter. She's your EX. Whatever is going on with her is not your concern anymore. Edited January 18, 2021 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
Author prisilv Posted January 19, 2021 Author Share Posted January 19, 2021 Thank you for all the advice, I appreciate it. I'm still in NC and I unfollowed her on Instagram, deleted her number, and hid all the stuff that reminded me of her. The past month and weeks have been crazy and tiring -- from having the motivation to change for the better and accepting that she's gone, to missing her and wanting her back, to feeling angry and betrayed, and now back again to feeling depressed. I'm trying my best to really shift my focus on myself whenever I spiral down again, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Does anyone know how to deal with the guilt of being the reason for the breakup? I know I'm the reason we broke up. And I'm back again to feeling guilty and really angry at myself for creating so many mistakes. It's really my fault and I'm not denying that. But then during our breakup, she didn't even point out those mistakes (but I KNOW she knows it's my fault I hurt her) -- instead, she told me she needed to fix herself and she wasn't ready to be in a relationship. She also told me that "I've been nothing but good to her" and that she couldn't repay me with all the love and kindness I gave her....She also told me not to apologize. This was obviously weird because she's not the type to sugarcoat things and all that. I don't think it's right for me to believe that a relationship isn't only one person's fault... because I know that the majority of everything wrong that happened was my fault. I feel so guilty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 19, 2021 Share Posted January 19, 2021 One thing that stopped me from feeling so helpless and powerless was realizing that I needed to take the focus off of him, and put it on myself. What red flags and signs did I overlook? Why did I stay so long, after it was obvious he was not a good match? How can I strengthen my personal boundaries, so that I don't get myself into another situation like that? Take your power back. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2021 Share Posted January 19, 2021 1 hour ago, prisilv said: Does anyone know how to deal with the guilt of being the reason for the breakup? I know I'm the reason we broke up. I don't think it's right for me to believe that a relationship isn't only one person's fault... because I know that the majority of everything wrong that happened was my fault. I feel so guilty. Stop. Just stop. You are beating yourself up because you think you deserve to be punished. While you may have made mistakes it's not ALL your fault. It takes 2 to tango. Did you cheat on her? If not, whatever happened was not solely your fault. She played a role in the break up too, whether not listening / not hearing you; closing herself off to your concerns; not meeting you half way; not compromising; not talking things true especially if you were insecure. She shares the resposbility for the demise of your relationship. Instead of beating yourself up, refocus on what you learned from this. How you can you avoid mistakes & improve communication in your next relationship? Find a positive take away & remember nobody's perfect. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JAKE022 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Im Going through the same now too, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, it was really unexpected and i she was the love of my life...im devastated mentally but i try to keep myself busy, for ex. I go for a long walks, i try to meet with friends as often as possible, play games that require me to focus. I wont lie sometimes it helps sometimes it dont , some nights i just grab a drink to make my life brighter for a second ( however i do not recommend it as the feeling of being lonely hits different when you have a hangover) and yes i take antidepressants at night to sleep well and not ruin my career now, the best way for me is to get tired physically , work out, go for a long run . however whatever i do i still think about her 24/7 and still live with hope she will come back to me and try to fix this relationship with me. Link to post Share on other sites
JAKE022 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Ohh and most important part, whatever you do, do not contact her, let her miss you, and let it heal you, Link to post Share on other sites
josedelamuerte Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 On 1/15/2021 at 2:01 PM, prisilv said: I try to do things that make me happy and things that can improve my confidence, but I'm always reminded of how much I was betrayed by those lies and false promises. I remember this feeling well from the first time I was dumped. Just the constant obsessive overthinking of the whole situation. Like if I went over everything from the beginning, for the one-millionth-and-one time in my head I would somehow find closure or peace or a reason. The best part of my day would be those first few seconds when you wake up, and you don't know who you are or what's going on. And then reality would sink in and my mind would be at it again driving me nuts all day. What helped me through was: 1) Therapy. 2) Meditation. The latter I still practice every day, and has made subsequent rejections much more tolerable, and life in general more pleasant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JAKE022 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 7 minutes ago, josedelamuerte said: I remember this feeling well from the first time I was dumped. Just the constant obsessive overthinking of the whole situation. Like if I went over everything from the beginning, for the one-millionth-and-one time in my head I would somehow find closure or peace or a reason. The best part of my day would be those first few seconds when you wake up, and you don't know who you are or what's going on. And then reality would sink in and my mind would be at it again driving me nuts all day. What helped me through was: 1) Therapy. 2) Meditation. The latter I still practice every day, and has made subsequent rejections much more tolerable, and life in general more pleasant. I might try this, never been to therapy or meditated but i will try anything that will help me as i never felt more sad than now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
josedelamuerte Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Be strong. I feel your pain. FWIW - it took me six years to love again, but I did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JAKE022 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 16 minutes ago, josedelamuerte said: Be strong. I feel your pain. FWIW - it took me six years to love again, but I did. That is a long time but im happy you made it ! I still hope that my ex will change her mind and come back and we get another chance, we were really great couple, she just got overwhelmed with life recently and there were some things that pushed her away that i did and had no idea because she did not tell me about it at least not straight to my face, all those things were not a problem form me to change, pandemic just made us not be our selfes on 100% i thought she will understand it, i have seen that she truly love me ( even now she told me she do) . But now she says that she has no energy to fix things between us at the moment im trying everything to get my mind busy with something else but its really hard Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 She's not doing you any favors by telling you she loves you and she doesn't have the energy to fix things at the moment. All that does is keeps you hanging on to that shred of hope and keeps you stuck and unable to move on. Dumpers do this to soften the blow because they feel guilty over hurting the other person. Not because they have any intent whatsoever to reconcile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JAKE022 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 3 hours ago, trident_2020 said: She's not doing you any favors by telling you she loves you and she doesn't have the energy to fix things at the moment. All that does is keeps you hanging on to that shred of hope and keeps you stuck and unable to move on. Dumpers do this to soften the blow because they feel guilty over hurting the other person. Not because they have any intent whatsoever to reconcile. Yup unfortunately i am aware of that, however looking at her behaviour in past few weeks i could tell she really loves me i know she still have feelings for me, but it doesnt change anything if she does not want to fix anything i guess our relationship wasnt that precious for her, i try to move on but that hope is still in my head, Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts