Social media flirting - Should I walk away or am I overreacting?

[Lauren Gold]

Hello. My partner and I have been together since we were teenagers. He's my only ever love/bf. When we were younger, social media has caused many trust issues. Looking back it was probably a mixture of disrespect and also my own insecurities. My bf would like girls pics, follow random girls and speak to random girls on social media platforms. His profiles were mainly public so I would stalk them (shameful but i couldn't resist). I just always had a gut feeling he was talking to other girls and I really do trust my gut! It never really fails me. We have had many arguments about this and he knows what I find acceptable and what I don't find acceptable. For me personally, I've never felt the need to talk to random guys so I don't understand why he feels the need to talk to random girls. Anyway, we separated for 2 years because I went through a really tough period when my mum was unwell and he was so rubbish and unsupportive. During those 2 years he kept trying to get me back; he apologised; begged to make it all better; wrote me a letter apologising; tried to see me. Recently we met up to talk and reconciled. Things were going well, we were speaking and getting on great. It felt like things had changed. Then I noticed on his twitter he had left a flirty comment on a girls thirst trap tiktok! (buss it challenge). The thing is i feel like he interacts with this girl quite a lot on twitter that's why i am suspicious. I think they have each other's numbers/snapchats and may have dm's (I think i have kind of got evidence to prove this via certain tweets although i haven't asked him yet). I was so disappointed:( I thought we had gone past this. Before I would have flown of the handle but i haven't approached him about it yet until i see him face to face.

I don't know whether to just accept he has no respect for my boundaries? I feel really sad about it but how can i continue to keep being disrespected? I feel more sad that he felt the need to comment on the girl's video to show her he's noticing it. I find it really embarrassing and i feel stupid. A part of me thinks if he STILL doesn't respect my boundaries after this many years and many fights, will he ever? Also, I don't want to be the psycho girlfriend who is stalking her bf's twitter. i hate being this person it's so draining. Am I overreacting over a comment? If i find out since we have reconciled he's been snapchatting her I think it's game over for me and I will need to end it. I just don't want him speaking to her at all but i also don't want to be the controlling psycho gf. Advice please?

[smackie9]

Everyone has different expectations, preferences and what is to be appropriate behavior. Talk to him again, and thoroughly go over boundaries when on social media, but let him know that these boundaries are for the both of you not just him. If he doesn't agree then you know this is not going to work for you. Maybe find a more mature BF.

Edited January 15, 2021 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

The only way I can relate to your story is through what I’ve watched unfold with one of my favorite comedians, Des Bishop. He met his current girlfriend through her Instagram account. She’s a comedian like him and was a reality tv start. Anyway, after publicly acknowledging their relationship, they did a skit to advertise a vibrator brand, with Des Bishop in his girlfriend’s bed - on Instagram no less. The skit made me cringe for his girlfriend, because she’s young enough (28) to do stupid things like that publicly to please her older boyfriend. 

As a public entertainer, he has women DM’ing him all the time despite being in a relationship with another celebrity. But one could assume that he doesn’t encourage his female fans to send him their phone #’s to him or flirts with them, b/c he respects his girlfriend. 

Your boyfriend does not respect you or he would not be so flirty with all these women on all of those social media platforms. You’ve already brought up his behavior to him, and he talked his way out of changing for you, because he’s at it again, which led you to post here to seek advice. 

My advice? Dump him. Try to date a guy who is secure enough with himself and with you as his girlfriend, where he doesn’t feel the need to disrespect you or jeopardize the relationship by openly being sexual and flirty with strange women on social media. If you stay with him, you’ve settled for less than you deserve. There is no excuse for your boyfriend’s behavior, other than he’s an immature jack ass who doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings. He knows he can talk his way out of anything with you, b/c you’ve let him do that multiple times already. So, that part is your responsibility. 

He isn’t going to change and you can’t force him to. Not with ultimatums, not with threats or pleas. He is who he is. And that’s a guy who could care less about what you want. Sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this all happened. He seems to not only lack integrity, but lacks respect for you.

It would be best to close this awful chapter in your life.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

When you get rid of guys like him, it opens up your world to other guys who you can trust and respect.

[kendahke]

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My partner and I have been together since we were teenagers.

For your boyfriend, the "good until" date on your relationship has expired.  He's not as into the "my first love"  aspect as you seem to be and his behavior indicates that he's of the mind to have more experiences than the one he's been having with you.

In this day and age, it's highly unlikely that one's first love is the relationship they're still in 10+ years down the line.

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For me personally, I've never felt the need to talk to random guys so I don't understand why he feels the need to talk to random girls.

This is the mistake you're making: you and he are two completely different people. Clearly, he feels the need to do this despite what you think, feel or would do.  He's not you.

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We have had many arguments about this and he knows what I find acceptable and what I don't find acceptable...

...and he doesn't give a toss what you think is acceptable, evidently. He's going to do him and be him, not you.

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I don't know whether to just accept he has no respect for my boundaries?

You have to if you're going to remain with him.  You only have two choices in this matter: accept it or bounce. You can't make a grown man do what he already doesn't want to do.

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I feel really sad about it but how can i continue to keep being disrespected?

Now, that is completely in your power... you remove yourself from this relationship like you did for two years and you don't buckle when he vomits sweet words at you. You don't give him access to an audience with you any more.

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Also, I don't want to be the psycho girlfriend who is stalking her bf's twitter.

Then stop stalking his twitter feed. Stop following him and mute him on your end. You do have agency and choices here.

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i hate being this person it's so draining. Am I overreacting over a comment? If i find out since we have reconciled he's been snapchatting her I think it's game over for me and I will need to end it. I just don't want him speaking to her at all but i also don't want to be the controlling psycho gf. Advice please?

We all can give you very sound advice, but are you ready to hear it and put it into action? 

The way to stop feeling embarrassed and stupid about what he's freely choosing to do is to remove yourself from the situation that's causing you to feel this way about yourself. At some point, you've got to post up and stand sentry to your own boundaries--he's shown you he ain't the man for this job.   He's a grown man--he doesn't need talking to like he's a 4 yr old who doesn't understand what playing with matches can do.  Every adult understands that what he's doing isn't tolerable in a committed relationship.

You have to accept responsibility for the consequences of choosing to stay with him, knowing fully well on 1/15/21 how he is. He's going to keep on being the only thing he can be. Stop volunteering for this treatment by staying with him.

 

Edited January 19, 2021 by kendahke