Thoughts on saving a long-term gay relationship.

[tokipoiki]

My bf (42) and I (29) have been together for 3 years. He recently confided in me of going thru a mid-life crisis and explained that he needed some space and time to be alone to think. He asked if I wanted a " soft break" instead of a full on breakup by still hanging out and being intimate but with me not having expectations about getting back together and I agreed. he also said that he had lost interest and wanted to spend time together to rekindle things and that while he couldn't predict the future it is possible. We lived together previously and are living apart but stayed together until now. 

He asked me how would the situation affect me hanging out with him/being intimate while realizing we weren't together and my friends fear that one person (me) will become more attached and that I will still end up hurting again, they had also said I shouldn't tolerate a part time boyfriend.

I really do love the man and I still have hope, I was hoping that by spending time together happily I could try to attempt at least to save the relationship I want to try at least - there had been many fights recently and he expressed that he felt burned out but I do want to reach being happy together again.

It crossed my mind that maybe i'm being used and I was told I shouldn't' settle. normally I would be at the bars talking to people because I am very extroverted but due to the covid circumstances and having been fed up with dating apps, I resigned myself to staying in fwb situation until perhaps covid is over, but I realize emotional ambiguity and investment in a person unwilling/unable to commit is a prickly and I could get up hurt.

So should I try to work through the issues or move on?

[stillafool]

No you cannot be his "hang out" friend.  He has made it clear he doesn't want more and consider this:  when you two are hanging out and he starts chatting up another young guy and making a date with him.   Will this hurt you?  If so you are not ready to just be his buddy. It will be soul crushing.  Your best bet is to go no contact with him and start dating another guy.  That may bring him back when he finds out.

[maggiemtn]

Sorry you are going through this. 
 

It’s self-torture to agree to being a spectator to your ex moving on but still keeping you as a backup plan. Unfortunately, when a partner says “I’ve lost interest,” you have no choice but to believe them and move on. There’s not much chance of coming back from that. The limbo will drive you crazy. I dealt with it for a few weeks in my breakup before I had a begging/pleading episode that I will forever regret. Being in limbo plays with your head and makes you feel pretty awful. You can avoid that by just going no contact. It’s almost always the best choice and in my opinion, is absolutely the best choice in your situation. 

[Gaeta]

Don't do this to yourself. No, he will not get back his feelings if you stick around and play his fwb, actually the best course of action would be to cut all ties and maybe then he'll realize what he's lost but don't hold your breath, move on, keep on living, consider it over for good. Sorry this is happening to you. 

[ShyViolet]

The "soft break" sounds like a terrible idea.  Go ahead and do that if you're ok with him stringing you along and using you, without having to make a decision of whether or not he actually wants to be with you.

[BronzeBlondbigirl]

I have just went through something similar. And just a few days ago my "fwb" just broke up with me (42) and I am crushed. My gf (28) and I were in a relationship for ten months. She then wanted to have basically a "fwb" situation. I being in love  agreed, even moved together again in a new lease and we were good for a year but we have been having arguments. But MLK weekend of this year, my selfishness came out during a sensitive time where I felt used and ignored but the time wasn't about me, it was about her. I feel so guilty but my hurt feelings got in the way.  She officially let me go last Monday. Saying she can't  count on me and my selfishness came at the wrong time. After being friends and lovers and I believing she will continue to love me more, believing we could make a future together, I make one mistake and she could let me go. Saying I should let her go the first time she broke up with me. That all this time she never asked to be in a relationship with me. That she gave me hope of a future together but now she can't see herself with me. 

 

I know I am pouring out my heart for my own heartbreak but no, let it go. Once someone lets you know their feelings of wanting a "fwb", let it go especially when you are in love with someone not in love with you. Never again.