Am I wrong to feel she doesn't trust me?

[odangdude]

When I was 9, I had some somewhat sexual interactions with a girl who was 12. It started off by her lifting her shirt and showing her bra to my friend and I. One day we were in a room, the three of us, and she layed down and closed her eyes, and my friend started to touch her breasts while she had her eyes closed, and I also started touching her chest. When someone walked into the room, she woke up immediately. This happened multiple times where she would "go to sleep" and we would touch her chest within like 30 seconds of her closing her eyes. This has messed me up a lot, and in therapy, my therapist said I should talk to her and apologize. 

I told my fiance that I was going to apologize for this, and she felt really uncomfortable with it because she said the content was inappropriate and a threat to our relationship. At this point I just said okay and decided not to go through with the apology until my fiance felt safe in it. 

Well we are married now, and this came up again. I said I wanted to call to make the apology, and she said she wanted to be in the phone call because she saw this as a possible threat to our relationship. She says it's too emotionally vulnerable and there is possibility that this girl will form some attachment to me, that i'll be manipulated, and it could threaten our marriage. I have a few problems with this. First it feels like she would be in the phone call to make sure im not being manipulated, not to support me. Second, it feels like she doesn't have a lot of faith in me to protect our marriage. Third, I feel like this is a really hurtful thing to the other girl, to say that she might try to manipulate me. My wife tells me this is a boundary to protect our relationship, but a "boundary" formed out of fear isn't a boundary at all to me, it feels like control. So I said I didn't want her in the phone call, and that I was going to make it. So my wife felt really unsafe that I wasn't willing to respect her boundaries, and she left and went to her parents.

We've been talking about this for a week straight and have seen our therapist about it and we aren't getting anywhere. When I say I feel like im not trusted in this situation, she says that she trusts me and she's just trying to protect us. To me this is like if I were using a knife, and she wanted to hold my hand while using the knife to "protect" me from cutting myself, when it feels like she doesn't trust that I can use a knife safely. 

I understand if she saw something in the girl's behavior that was actually threatening. But to me this is like if I wanted to talk to a girl at work, and she said "I don't want you to talk to her unless I'm there because she could flirt with you." Not because she actually knows anything about the girl im talking to or has seen this girl flirt before, but because she's afraid of the possibility. 

 

So I would really appreciate anyone's opinion on this. Am I wrong in how I feel? 

[trident_2020]

I don't get why you think you owe this girl an apology. It appears from your description that she was as much into the game as you were.

 

[Wiseman2]

With respect. Your therapist is nuts. This seems like kids playing doctor.

Now you are an adult, married and still ruminating about this? 

It's time to see a physician for an evaluation and definitely a referral to a licensed qualified ethical therapist.

[Crazelnut]

Dude, that girl owes YOU an apology. She was 3 years older than you and manipulated you into touching her breasts. Your therapist is wrong, and it's time for you to let go of this guilt. 

Also, your wife is nuts. Someone you played doctor with decades ago forming an attachment because you (unnecessarily) apologize? That makes no sense. Your wife needs her own therapy to figure out why she's threatened by such a thing.

[trident_2020]

25 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Dude, that girl owes YOU an apology. She was 3 years older than you and manipulated you into touching her breasts.

I was thinking the same thing after I posted and wasn't at my computer and was going to add it this morning.

There's a huge difference between age 9 and 12. Heck some 12 year olds are screwing like rabbits nowadays.

[stillafool]

You don't owe this girl an apology.  You and the other boy were doing what she wanted you to do.  She pretended to be asleep but knew exactly what she was doing and what she wanted.  I think it would embarrass her to call and apologize for this at this point in life and especially with your wife on the phone too.  This game  that kids do is like playing Doctor.

[smackie9]

I agree you don't owe this girl an apology because A) it's perfectly normal for kids to "play house or doctor", are curious about genitals, and masturbation at that age. B) she wasn't sleeping, she was making it a game. C) no one was forced to do anything.

This was just kids playing around, and it was so long ago.

You need to dig deep and find out why this bothers you so much. Are you afraid that this will come up and damage your reputation as a future parent? Does this make you feel dirty and disgusted? and how could you ever be a good father because you did this to a girl? The reason or reasons why you have carried this for so many years or why it's become an issue since you got engaged needs to be explored.

IMO your therapist is being very careless with their advice, and not considering the repercussions, like the damage it could do to your relationship with your wife and bring up a long forgotten events of this girl's past could be upsetting to the girl.  Apologizing to this girl, whom has moved on from it and probably has no interest in reliving this won't make this go away. Find a new therapist and go from there. Discovering why will help you understand, and move on from it.

Edited January 16, 2021 by smackie9

[FMW]

I agree, you don't owe the girl from your childhood an apology.  Children are curious about differences in the opposite sex, the touching doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary.  It also sounds like she was a willing participant.  

As for your wife - my first reaction was that of course there was no reason for her to be involved in any call, and it seems like an over-reaction to go to her parents.  But maybe she's concerned about you being stuck on this thing from your childhood and really does have some concerns about how the call will affect you, and anything that affects you also can affect your relationship with your wife.  

I think in her place I would stay out of it and let you handle it on your own, but then again I haven't experienced the years together with someone who was apparently at least a little scarred by the experience.    

If your wife hasn't been controlling about other things, then I would give her the benefit of the doubt with this, that she really is concerned for you.  

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, FMW said:

It also sounds like she was a willing participant. 

My guess she was probably being sexually abused and she was acting out what was happening to her with her little chums.
Someone was likely touching her in a sexual way when she was asleep and in her bed.
If she was a victim  of sexual abuse, this may have indeed worsened as she got older.
As she may have put this all past her, then stirring it all up again may be very detrimental to her. If she is still struggling then you showing up is not going to be a good thing.
OP, I don't really know what is going with you, but I guess apologising to this girl is likely inappropriate and I guess will not really help you either.
I also second getting a new therapist to get to the heart of your problem.

[ShyViolet]

Do you really honestly feel that contacting this woman now, after all these years, and apologizing would help you to get past this?  I personally feel that it would be a little weird to contact her and bring this up.

However, I also feel that your wife is being unreasonable and controlling and you shouldn't put up with that.

[odangdude]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Do you really honestly feel that contacting this woman now, after all these years, and apologizing would help you to get past this?  I personally feel that it would be a little weird to contact her and bring this up.

However, I also feel that your wife is being unreasonable and controlling and you shouldn't put up with that.

No, and the point of this post isn't whether or not I should apologize, but I do agree with everyone here now that I don't need to apologize.

The issue now is her needing control, and now Im thinking back to other situations in the last year where she's been controlling. She left the house because of this because me not giving her the control "feels" like im not respecting HER boundaries. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This woman may have "blocked this out" by now. Is your therapist a specialist in trauma or child sexual abuse? If not, I'd tread very carefully. Twelve step programs sometimes tell people to write an apology letter or do some action apart from the person if approaching the person isn't safe. Like, you can make a contribution to a nonprofit that does work in protecting children. 

I can see that this has tormented you ... But I'm not sure apology out of the blue is the way to go. Did you ever see this girl (now woman) after these incidents?

Now, if this woman contacted you, that's another matter entirely. Then you could fess up to what happened. But you dumping your guilt on this woman is not the way to go. She may not want your apology. She may feel wounded by your apology. She may be blocking this out in her own way.

Perhaps you have a tendency to be super critical of yourself.  And an "apology"  is vague. Let's say you were to to do. The wording you would use--I mean just a change of a few words--could make all the difference.

But you're thinking that you owe her an apology. She may not want your apology and may indeed resent it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, odangdude said:

. She left the house because of this because me not giving her the control "feels" like im not respecting HER boundaries. 

"Controlling" people don't flee relationships. Especially 16 weeks into being married. Sounds like she's afraid of you or completely fed up with the conflicts.

You both seem morbidly unhappy. Can you have the marriage annulled?

 

[smackie9]

I have to ask....why is she so afraid of you talking to a female coworker? or the cashier or any female? She's completely out of her mind, thinking sex can happen at any time because you have parts that fit. I wouldn't marry someone that constantly fears infidelity. That girl needs help brother.

[basil67]

22 hours ago, odangdude said:

No, and the point of this post isn't whether or not I should apologize, but I do agree with everyone here now that I don't need to apologize.

The issue now is her needing control, and now Im thinking back to other situations in the last year where she's been controlling. She left the house because of this because me not giving her the control "feels" like im not respecting HER boundaries. 

I suspect that this belongs with the list you're creating of everything your wife has ever done to upset you.   How long ago did this happen?    And did she get over it and come back?

[Wiseman2]

This isn't about trust it's about a huge power struggle and bickering over nonsense. 16 weeks into the marriage and she ran to her parents because "she's afraid of you'? 

You need to get an attorney and see what your options are for annulment, separation and divorce.

[Starswillshine]

Just going off your first post, I can understand maybe where your wife is coming from. Firstly, you do not owe this woman an apology. But mostly, this is a conversation that can open up some pretty intimate conversation and possible feelings. Your wife is not wrong for wanting to be careful of this. 

I dont know you,  but if my BF came to me with this story and told me he felt like he needed to apologize, I would feel there was something much more than the story he is giving. 

[BaileyB]

The girl was older than you and this does seem like child’s play to me, I’m another who doesn’t feel that you owe this girl an apology. Although, I do appreciate the fact that you feel that you do owe her an apology - that says a lot about your character. 

Your wife’s reaction is very strange to me. No, I would never be concerned that this woman would become attached or that it would be a threat to the marriage. Is your wife jealous in other ways? 

[snowboy91]

I'll side with a few others and say that I think what you were doing with this girl when you were 9 is all within the realm of kids being curious. Most of us were around that age, if such situations came up. Outside chance it seems like abuse, but it's VERY remote. Either way getting in contact with her and apologising won't achieve much, apart from simply reconnecting with her.

But I see this post is more about your wife's reaction to the idea that you do want to get in touch about what happened. And yeah I understand why you feel she doesn't trust you, since she's making it seem like you're some kind of pet or child that needs to be controlled, otherwise you will be manipulated into doing the wrong thing. It's insulting toward you, realistically. While she says she wants to protect the relationship by setting these boundaries, they are set in such a way that isn't trusting. 

The best way to protect a relationship is to know your partner well enough to trust them fully. Ie, if she was in your situation, you would know she would do the right thing, so you would sit back.

[deepthinking]

 

"I feel like this is a really hurtful thing to the other girl"  .... your wife ought to cone first.... Red Flag if exes hurt feelings bother you

"this is like if I wanted to talk to a girl at work" ... no, she would not have played puberty games

Edited January 21, 2021 by deepthinking

[usa1ah]

On 1/16/2021 at 9:04 PM, odangdude said:

No, and the point of this post isn't whether or not I should apologize, but I do agree with everyone here now that I don't need to apologize.

The issue now is her needing control, and now Im thinking back to other situations in the last year where she's been controlling. She left the house because of this because me not giving her the control "feels" like im not respecting HER boundaries. 

There are quite a few that think boundaries in a relationship is controlling. Normally it is a flirty or cheating partner that says the other is controlling.
 

I don’t know the circumstances over the past year for what you posted. In regards to the situation with the girl from your past. It wouldn’t be the first time that talking to someone from a past experience like yours caused problems in a current relationship. I think if your GF was worried about you being manipulated by this other girl, she had all the rights in the world to be as your wife. Some girls get a power trip by pulling in old bf’s or sex partners from their past. 
 

Read some of the post on this site where the cheater says that they never thought they would do it. 
 

Anyway it doesn’t really sound like you are into you wife or marriage. Best of luck with that. 

[kendahke]

On 1/15/2021 at 9:26 PM, odangdude said:

This has messed me up a lot, and in therapy, my therapist said I should talk to her and apologize. 

Why? It sounds like kids exploring their sexuality, not predation. I seriously doubt she was sexually abused and was acting out---she probably found her parts, put two and two together and wanted to see for herself... I did at that age and I've never been sexually abused. You all were the roughly the same age--her being older, so she knew better what she was doing than perhaps you and your boy.  I see no reason to apologize to her--she's likely forgotten about it.

But I also see two problems going on here--you grappling with guilt over this childhood experience and the fact that your wife doesn't trust you. THAT is the issue you and your therapist need to get into, first, and then later on, go into couple's therapy... I'd suggest your wife also go for individual therapy first, then do couple's therapy. She has to understand what she's bringing into this and why and get that settled before addressing the marriage... you can't fix something when the parts are already broken on their own.

Having read further posts from you, I'd say you need to contact an attorney and look into getting your marriage either annulled or get a divorce. This is something that will never go away--if she's going to run and tell on you to mommy and daddy, then she's not ready to be married. She was in it for the dress, cake and being center of attention for one day.

Edited January 23, 2021 by kendahke

[smackie9]

Just so you know, you can disagree with your therapist's advice if it makes you uncomfortable. Just like our advice, it's up to you to think it over and decide. You can ask for a different way to deal with these feelings you have about what happened.  Maybe if you went over as to "why" you had those feels and explored that...it might link to other things that are happening in your life now. Therapists can only go by what you tell them. If you agree with their advice instead of speaking up, they can't really help you. Does your therapist know about your wife's reaction? And how that has complicated things in your marriage?  I understand it's hard to get into therapy these days, so I am wondering if you are here because you don't have access anymore? IMO this sort of thing asking strangers who have no professional background on a public forum, can be dangerous. The advice given can be taken the wrong way, misinterpreted, etc, leading you to making a bad decision. I hope with what has been posted, you will acknowledge it's just public opinion. We can only do so much for you and your situation. I wish you luck, and hope this gets resolved.

Edited January 24, 2021 by smackie9