Starting over..

[noclobber]

hey guys,

 

i need some advice and motivation.. i am 30 yrs old, work as a software consultant, make decent money, and support my parents back home in India.

 

my life was going well but around 5 yrs back i got into some very bad habits, including an addiction, which have caused huge damage to me. the damages r specifically the following:-

 

1. Health has taken a beating
   
2. Huge debt
   
3. Credit history is very bad (FICA score is only 560)
   
4. can't buy a car or live in a decent apt. b'cos of poor credit
   
5. No girlfriend yet
   

 

now whenever i think of cutting my losses and moving on my gut feeling keeps telling things like - "sh*t i shudn't have done that", "god wish i knew it then.. what use is it now", "i am already 30. is there anything left for me anymore?".

 

it's basically intense regret about the past manifesting in different forms. i know that i am an okay person but i am hating myself so much about the mistakes that i did and that pretty much drives me to do it again. this seems like a vicious cycle.. and i don't know how to get past it.

 

my question to u guys is, if u were in a situation like me what wud u do? how wud u move beyond past regrets and guilt and start a new life? plz advice me!

[scobro]

It seems like you have taken the first step and have been real with yourself about why you are at this stage in your life.You did this to you no-one else so you need to take responsibility for why your life is like this now and you have done that which is great.Next go down the list and figure out a way to make each negative in your life positive for example

Health has taken a beating-start by getting a medical check-up start exercising

 

Huge debt tart slowly paying off your debts one by one

 

Credit history is very bad (FICA score is only 560)Start by paying credit card off monthly which will improve your credit.

 

can't buy a car or live in a decent apt. b'cos of poor credit=If you make good money buy a descent used car for now.Live where you are for now.

 

No girlfriend yet=get your problems together before you get a girlfriend work on you for now.

 

No-one else is responsible for your situation other than you so make it right.

 

hope this helped.

[megabit15]

.....my life was going well but around 5 yrs back i got into some very bad habits, including an addiction, which have caused huge damage to me. the damages r specifically the following:-

1. Health has taken a beating
   
2. Huge debt
   
3. Credit history is very bad (FICA score is only 560)
   
4. can't buy a car or live in a decent apt. b'cos of poor credit
   
5. No girlfriend yet

.....it's basically intense regret about the past manifesting in different forms. i know that i am an okay person but i am hating myself so much about the mistakes that i did and that pretty much drives me to do it again. this seems like a vicious cycle.. and i don't know how to get past it.

 

my question to u guys is, if u were in a situation like me what wud u do? how wud u move beyond past regrets and guilt and start a new life? plz advice me!

 

Hey There Noclobber...

Good to see you again.

I am curious about addiction comment: Are you in a recovery program for the addiction or are you "cold turkey-ing" it?

 

About moving beyond regrets (and man, I've have a few of those myself! Live and Learn, dude...)

Very similar to what Scobro mentioned:

Regret is an effective motivator to move us beyond doing the same things that got us in the situation to begin with. The regret will leave as you clear up the wreckage you created, and you will learn from it.

Break down the process into managable chunks....again, Scobro had good recommendations.

 

One other thing that has helped me tremendously while clearing up past mistakes was to write a gratitude list or "take for granted" list, AND to list 3-5 things I liked about myself on a daily basis. Whenever I get down about me, a situation not going the way I want (self-pity) I still do this. It helps to get perspective. Having two arms, legs, and being able to see, touch, think are things I often take for granted. Sometimes I list the things I don't have as well. Like my exhusband for instance! Just kidding....but I am glad that I don't have glaucoma or cancer!

 

I also used to get down about not having a boyfriend...I actually gave up on this one and worked on me, my attitudes, my beliefs, behaviour changes, etc. I had to become a person who was ready for the type of relationship I wanted. After 2 years of not dating, I have met a great guy that probably would not have had anything to do with the old me....and rightly so!

 

You probably don't want to hear this but I'll say it anyway - you are still very young and have a lot of time to become ready for the things you want. But they don't come before you are ready. It sounds like you've got a good job and future and a good heart..don't get too down about having to go through the process. After all, if you DON'T go through the process, you'll just be in the same situation, only older.

 

I know you are from an eastern culture where meditation is more common than in the US. Do you make use of this tool? Physical health problems can be managed more effectively with it. I studied and meditated for a while with Buddhists - darn I miss that. I really need to get my butt out of work earlier to attend to that again!

 

Hang in there....do the next right thing and circumstances will change.

[alphamale]

and support my parents back home in India.

why are you obligated to support you family back home? this is so common. I see many desi dudes doing this and I understand the situation but why are they using you for a meal ticket? Don't you have any brothers or sisters they can sponge off of for a few yrs while you repair your finances? do your parents have jobs or just sit around all day doing nothing and living off what you give them? if they are doing that then it is ridiculous. you should tell your parents the situation and tell them you can't send money for a few years or maybe you can send them 50% of what you are sending now.

[noclobber]

Health has taken a beating-start by getting a medical check-up start exercising

 

Huge debt tart slowly paying off your debts one by one

 

Credit history is very bad (FICA score is only 560)Start by paying credit card off monthly which will improve your credit.

 

can't buy a car or live in a decent apt. b'cos of poor credit=If you make good money buy a descent used car for now.Live where you are for now.

 

No girlfriend yet=get your problems together before you get a girlfriend work on you for now.

 

That was a good break-down Scobro I usually think that I am in a mess, that's it.. and then regrets kick-in, robbing off whatever energy i may have to change my situation. I think breaking the whole thing down into a manageable list makes the task all the more easier.

 

hello megabit15, nice to see u too

 

i am not in a recovery program for my addiction.. i am trying to battle it by myself. my thinking is that it's really no use of any programs unless and until i want to help myself! i have been failing time and again but i am positive that i will be able to kick it soon. unbelievable as it may seem i was able to quit my 7 yr. long smoking habit in 1 day.. that's right, in 1 day. i went thru hell for the first 2 weeks as my body struggled b'cos of the sudden stop of nicotine but i managed to stay resolved. i have been smoke free for the past 2 yrs. I wish i have the same dedication for my new addiction. i also have to say that the things that i listed in my original posting all spawned out of one thing - my addiction!! i am in debt b'cos i had to feed my addiction whether i had money or not; i spolied my health b'cos of the addiction; and i don't have a girl-friend b'cos my mind was just pre-occupied with my addiction i believe that if i break this 1 thing my life wud turn around..

 

you are still very young and have a lot of time to become ready for the things you want. But they don't come before you are ready.

 

see the fact that good things don't come before u r ready is kinda frustrating b'cos i am very sure that if those good things were there in the first place i wouldn't have become an addict to start with. its kind of a vicious cycle that is tough to break.. more like a Catch-22 situation..

 

if you DON'T go through the process, you'll just be in the same situation, only older.

 

Lots of wisdom punched into that sentence I think i will say that to myself whenever regret and guilt kick-in!

 

why are you obligated to support you family back home?

 

yup alpha-male, i need to support my family! as u have said it's very common in India. my parents r very old and they cannot work. my brother is no good, he can't make a living for himself. and my sisters r married so that takes them out of the circle of responsibility. even otherwise women in India r never obligated to work and support their parents. they just get married and go to their husband's home. i am the last kid in the family and it is my duty and responsibility to support them. i have never regreted about this. what really hurts me are my own mistakes that i wish i had never done.

 

but i will try to put in practice the suggestions u guys have given. it's always good to know that somebody is there to care. and it means a lot to me b'cos my family does not live in this country, so all i have here is only friends.