Main damage in emotional affairs

[Lorryborry]

Trying to educate myself here

1. So is the bottom line in an emotional affair What is talked about that you could not talk about if either spouse was present?

2.  Is one affair partner more emotionally attached than the other

 

3.  Is the key to knowing if you have crossed the line is if you are sad and depressed about distancing yourself

Your input be greatly appreciated.   The bottom line is its never ok to offer emotional support or take it from someone married to someone else?  That being phone calls ,hugs, cheering up,positive reinforcement?  

It's never ok unless spouses are present and it means you are distanced from own spouse? So your own spouse has to be your complete support emotionally and never a married friend?  

 

So this just doesnt happen? I think iv crossed line taking support somewhere I should not have and I want to make it right and distance myself.   I suffered a huge bereavement of 3 family members my parents and sister in 1 months and iv erred in my ways. I feel really really bad.  Thank you for your insight.  By the way not excuse. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like some therapy to help you unpack and sort out some of this greif and stress would help tremendously compared to confiding in male friends you have a crush on.

[Lorryborry]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like some therapy to help you unpack and sort out some of this greif and stress would help tremendously compared to confiding in male friends you have a crush on.

In getting it now.  My therapist was good he said I was at a low when I made poor choice to take the support.  You see my problem was not some psychological problems just I lost my only friend my sister through a long illness.  And my "friend" also lost brother same way 6 months ago.  Thats how I let myself  be hooked. I probably sound like a complete dumb cow.  Just feel so stupid to fall into this.  God how could I. Then my father had an accident and died and 2 days later my mother. I'm dealing with it. I just feel so so so stupid for taking comfort here  all I can do is correct it and cut contact to bare work. Hes also part of 3 of us who run a successful business 

[Lorryborry]

Understanding this is normal but misguided reaction is helping me see I was not thinking straight.   The only way forward is realise he cant be my friend because hes married and I'm married with a 5yr old.   And to realise it's just not the right time for us. We may like each other and bond but we taken. Am I on right track? Sorry to be so needy. You guys are helping me.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

And to realise it's just not the right time for us. 

You're on the right track except for this comment as it implies that there is a right time for you.   

[Lorryborry]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're on the right track except for this comment as it implies that there is a right time for you.   

I mean as its not right time or cannot be because we are not single.   If we were single it could go somewhere.  But its just not a runner because we are not free and never will be  it's in my head alot of it think

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

  The bottom line is its never ok to offer emotional support or take it from someone married to someone else?  That being phone calls ,hugs, cheering up,positive reinforcement? 

I'm sorry about all the deaths in your family.

It's OK to get & give emotional support to others no matter their marital status.  It only becomes problematic when you shut out your spouse in favor of the other person.   It's also a problem if you are doing it in secret & your spouse isn't welcome. 

It's about balance but the scales always need to tip toward your SO.

The fact that you are lamenting your marital status & daydreaming that your relationship with this other person could "go somewhere" if you were both single is problematic.  You crossed a line somewhere.  Shared grief may have been the vehicle that got you there but once you started wondering about romantic possibilities it was time to cut the other guy off & double down on your marriage. 

 

Edited January 16, 2021 by d0nnivain

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

The bottom line is its never ok to offer emotional support or take it from someone married to someone else?  That being phone calls ,hugs, cheering up,positive reinforcement?  

To answer the title of your thread, the main problem with emotional affairs is loss of trust. 

4 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

The bottom line is its never ok to offer emotional support or take it from someone married to someone else?  That being phone calls ,hugs, cheering up,positive reinforcement?  

It’s all about boundaries. I offer/take emotional support from friends - but there is a boundary, there are things I don’t share with them out of respect for my spouse. I have a male coworker, a lovely man who is actually old enough to be my dad, we have always supported each other - talked about our lives, left little notes to encourage each other when we leave for a trip or sent text messages to cheer each other when life is hard. But, there is a boundary there - we’ve never spoken on the phone, we’ve never been alone outside of work, we’ve never hugged. He was married, I was single and now I am in a relationship, and he is single. We have always maintained good boundaries, but still had a really supportive friendship. 

You haven’t done this with your work partner. You say you are “hooked,” you rely on him. That’s too much - hugs, cuddles, deep emotional discussions outside of the office = too far. 

Have you considered the fact that he knew you were vulnerable... perhaps, rather than offer support he was looking to take advantage of you? Was he grooming you for a physical affair? Was all this support actually leading to what he really wanted = sex?

Edited January 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

3.  Is the key to knowing if you have crossed the line is if you are sad and depressed about distancing yourself

There really is no "key" when it comes to EAs, as it's a rather vast grey area.

If your feelings were significant enough that you consider it an "affair" that is one factor.

If there was NO physical aspect at all or it was extremely minimal, some people would dismiss it entirely (ala 5x5 in your other thread). Others would feel it was MORE significant and respond accordingly.

There are those who freak out when their partner even talks to other people. There are those who are happy to let their spouse do all kinds of "boundary breaking" things, sitting on laps, heavily flirting, etc, who are tolerant or even excited by it and encourage it, so long as the partner doesn't kiss or have intercourse and comes home to them.

There are those who would not label what you had an affair but rather "having a crush on a friend" as per Wiseman2.

There simply is no hard and fast rule.

[Starswillshine]

OP,

How would you feel if your husband had a transcript of all your texts, emails, and conversations? Would you think he would be ok with all things said. 

Have you guys discussed emotions for each other? Have you discussed any inappropriate things? That one i guess is a yes since you said he wanted to have sex but you kept that boundary. 

All of those things would violate trust. 

The way you have spoken, it does not seem that you have kept boundaries of just being friends. It sounds like there was talks of emotions for each other and physical attraction. 

Edited January 16, 2021 by Starswillshine

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

To answer the title of your thread, the main problem with emotional affairs is loss of trust. 

It’s all about boundaries. I offer/take emotional support from friends - but there is a boundary, there are things I don’t share with them out of respect for my spouse. I have a male coworker, a lovely man who is actually old enough to be my dad, we have always supported each other - talked about our lives, left little notes to encourage each other when we leave for a trip or sent text messages to cheer each other when life is hard. But, there is a boundary there - we’ve never spoken on the phone, we’ve never been alone outside of work, we’ve never hugged. He was married, I was single and now I am in a relationship, and he is single. We have always maintained good boundaries, but still had a really supportive friendship. 

You haven’t done this with your work partner. You say you are “hooked,” you rely on him. That’s too much - hugs, cuddles, deep emotional discussions outside of the office = too far. 

Have you considered the fact that he knew you were vulnerable... perhaps, rather than offer support he was looking to take advantage of you? Was he grooming you for a physical affair? Was all this support actually leading to what he really wanted = sex?

Yes Bailey its strong possibility he may have taken advantage.   But I cant dwell on that as Bailey I need my business to work and stop thinking about him.  I cant get depressed and start ruminating anymore. I need to move on and put it behind me because no one Is so special as to be obsessed with....right?  Hes not all that?  I have to pick up my life and double down on my marriage.   Thanks for your help.   My therapist advised all that.  He also said I was in a bad place at time. Got to move on. It's not real and it's in no ones interest.

[Lorryborry]

20 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

OP,

How would you feel if your husband had a transcript of all your texts, emails, and conversations? Would you think he would be ok with all things said. 

Have you guys discussed emotions for each other? Have you discussed any inappropriate things? That one i guess is a yes since you said he wanted to have sex but you kept that boundary. 

All of those things would violate trust. 

The way you have spoken, it does not seem that you have kept boundaries of just being friends. It sounds like there was talks of emotions for each other and physical attraction. 

I have alot of work to do .  But I cannot make myself sick over this.  Iv got to move on.  Thanks for all your help. Way forward =  only business and remember no good will ever come from it and work on my marriage and be responsible.  Thanks for your help 

[Xerad]

4 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

no one Is so special as to be obsessed with....right?

You have used the words, addicted to, hooked on and now obsessed with him. This is not just talking, sharing and supporting.

[Lorryborry]

2 minutes ago, Xerad said:

You have used the words, addicted to, hooked on and now obsessed with him. This is not just talking, sharing and supporting.

Yes I accept iv gone over the line .  I'm dont want to dwell and beat myself up anymore than I have. I want to put this right and be proper. I dont want this in my life anymore. Thats my decision.  And I dont want wasting time on LS.  I want to do right going forward.  Iv done a bad thing and I got to put it right. 

[Lorryborry]

I'm in the middle of grieving big losses. I need to clear my head. We have not been talking deeply for a number of months as I already knew it was a problem.  

[Lorryborry]

Please can we talk about ways forward.   I want to concentrate on being proper now and now I understand how wrong iv been. I'm not proud of any of it. I took comfort in a wrong place. But I dont want to keep going over it. I want to cut it out.   This covid situation is not helping as all my supports of healthy outlets are not available right now.  I feel I would be much further ahead on healing as i had decided with my therapist that this relationship was no good.  Sorry guys. Please believe me. I'm not proud of this.  Thanks for helping me.   

[Lorryborry]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm sorry about all the deaths in your family.

It's OK to get & give emotional support to others no matter their marital status.  It only becomes problematic when you shut out your spouse in favor of the other person.   It's also a problem if you are doing it in secret & your spouse isn't welcome. 

It's about balance but the scales always need to tip toward your SO.

The fact that you are lamenting your marital status & daydreaming that your relationship with this other person could "go somewhere" if you were both single is problematic.  You crossed a line somewhere.  Shared grief may have been the vehicle that got you there but once you started wondering about romantic possibilities it was time to cut the other guy off & double down on your marriage. 

 

Thank you sincerely for your time and support.   I know my path.  It's going to be different from now on. I want to move forward and build closeness with my husband of 26yrs.  This other relationship was a mistake. And its ending. I never want to feel so low again. Thanks and bless you for your time. Stay safe you and yours. Please believe me I'm fully focused on cutting this out.  Iv decided any time I think of him I will do something nice for my husband.  And it will eventually fade.

[DKT3]

You keep saying you don't want to focus on what happened only what is ahead. 

Thats a problem...if you are building a house and the foundation is all wrong you can't simple continue to build the house. No you have to go back to the start, figure out how it when wrong and rebuild.  

As for your question,  EA are far more dangerous than a PA. You will figure that out as you go. Its not only that you've attached to this other man, but you've also detached from your husband.  This is usually very difficult for women to overcome. 

I suspect that the void will make it very hard to keep from falling right back in with this other guy, especially since you're making excuses as to why you can't make and enforce boundaries. 

[Lorryborry]

38 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You keep saying you don't want to focus on what happened only what is ahead. 

Thats a problem...if you are building a house and the foundation is all wrong you can't simple continue to build the house. No you have to go back to the start, figure out how it when wrong and rebuild.  

As for your question,  EA are far more dangerous than a PA. You will figure that out as you go. Its not only that you've attached to this other man, but you've also detached from your husband.  This is usually very difficult for women to overcome. 

I suspect that the void will make it very hard to keep from falling right back in with this other guy, especially since you're making excuses as to why you can't make and enforce boundaries. 

I realize all of that.  I was absent from my husband totally.  But I want to be positive going forward.   Not mired in self hate and regret. I love my husband very much. Yes I'm emotionally attached to the other guy but I will break that very fast. I wandered off track that's all. Everything is recoverable.   It's not doomed. Thank u very much for your help.  Iv very good foundation.   My inappropriate relationship was 2yrs. My husband and I 26.  No contest. But thank you. Was weak

[Lorryborry]

45 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You keep saying you don't want to focus on what happened only what is ahead. 

Thats a problem...if you are building a house and the foundation is all wrong you can't simple continue to build the house. No you have to go back to the start, figure out how it when wrong and rebuild.  

As for your question,  EA are far more dangerous than a PA. You will figure that out as you go. Its not only that you've attached to this other man, but you've also detached from your husband.  This is usually very difficult for women to overcome. 

I suspect that the void will make it very hard to keep from falling right back in with this other guy, especially since you're making excuses as to why you can't make and enforce boundaries. 

Thank you again .  It may look like excuses. But we have a very financially sound situation in a small place. Not easy to find. But it's fine if u think its excuses. Believe me if he was some fool I met in a smoking area or on internet he be cut dead. I would not be on loveshack. Thats my difficulty.   Sorry if that's rude. Just being practical   

[MRSR31]

8 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

I just feel so so so stupid for taking comfort here  all I can do is correct it and cut contact to bare work. Hes also part of 3 of us who run a successful business 

Yikes. Being married means you don't get to seek comfort wherever you find it? Certainly explains the difficulty in developing friendships later in life. I thought people just got lame and boring with age. They are keeping it for their spouse. Seems problematic. Marriage that is. 

[Lorryborry]

Just now, MRSR31 said:

Yikes. Being married means you don't get to seek comfort wherever you find it? Certainly explains the difficulty in developing friendships later in life. I thought people just got lame and boring with age. They are keeping it for their spouse. Seems problematic. Marriage that is. 

It differs for everyone.  I got vulnerable as I lost alot of support. All my responsibility no excuses

[MRSR31]

Not need to go nutbar beating yourself up. Twenty six years time spent. And I only say that to abbreviate your devotion. Just go NC to the best of your ability. Change your daily routine to start new habits as you embrace a new attitude. Done. But how to get your needs met with the husband that you have. Good luck with that. 

[Lorryborry]

12 minutes ago, MRSR31 said:

Not need to go nutbar beating yourself up. Twenty six years time spent. And I only say that to abbreviate your devotion. Just go NC to the best of your ability. Change your daily routine to start new habits as you embrace a new attitude. Done. But how to get your needs met with the husband that you have. Good luck with that. 

Thank you so much.  It's what I got to do. He is a beautiful person so i got to embrace that.  We used to be on fire. I mean sex a few times a week. But he fell on understanding me as was away working.  But it's all workable as I used to be turned on saying his name. Stress and grief caused me to fall asunder. 

[Lorryborry]

I fell badly. We grew apart. Not an excuse