Main damage in emotional affairs

[Blind-Sided]

To be 100% honest.... LS is better than any therapist.   You will get honesty, and the thoughts of hundreds of people going through the same thing you are.  A therapist is someone looking to make a paycheck, and they will tell you want you want to hear.  I personally feel there are way too many bad therapists.   After reading through your threads... I'm guessing you are leaving LS because you just don't like what you are hearing, even though, you know it's right.

I wish you peace moving forward.

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.

[Lorryborry]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

To be 100% honest.... LS is better than any therapist.   You will get honesty, and the thoughts of hundreds of people going through the same thing you are.  A therapist is someone looking to make a paycheck, and they will tell you want you want to hear.  I personally feel there are way too many bad therapists.   After reading through your threads... I'm guessing you are leaving LS because you just don't like what you are hearing, even though, you know it's right.

I wish you peace moving forward.

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.

I'm thankful to all of LS.  However I would not knock therapy,its an important tool for anyone who chooses it. At the end of the day I know now that this is just not bringing me peace and I want peace and involvement with him is not going to bring that. I'm not a stupid person. Iv overcome and risen above the most deprived and challenging situations one can meet and thats from 11yrs of age. Iv processed and dealt with very big big challenges which are things nowadays theres so much more awareness of. I want to build myself up and start living my life in peace. I know all my mistakes. I'm not backing away from stuff. I'm in a situation and I'll get myself out. We all need encouragement at times. Thats what I'm after here. My therapist understands my personality and what iv come through.  Theres amazing people on here educated and helpful,yourself included and I'm very grateful for that. Thank you for your time and kindness. 

[Lorryborry]

Once again thank to each and all of you. I want to reiterate how grateful I am for all the time you gave.  I've probably not come accross well on this site and for that I'm truely sorry. I realise this is a public forum and kindness and gentleness non judgement is very important.I

I'm just spending too much time here and it's not healthy. The reason I came on here is because my friend is actually very ill right now. That further reinforces to me that i dont want anything further to do with him bar pure business. I was doing well for months. We were interacting appropriately no warmth and then just with this pandemic I'm thinking more and worried about my business as my 3rd business partner is also ill.

So TBH it's financial I'm more worried about now.  I want to explain thats how I've got triggered. But I will be ok again. Thank you all so so so much.

Edited January 17, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Excessive upper case.

[Doorstopper]

I'm not sure if you'll actually be back here but let me give you a couple of suggestions. 

1. You need to write out a detailed, long winded complete an accurate timeline of exactly what happened. By your vague comments about the relationship with no real facts except cuddling, and no start and stop point for what would be considered an affair, its pretty clear that by moving forward you  mean that you are going to repress all of these memories. The problem in that is that someday your husband may find out. I don't remember is not an acceptable response. that day may come, and you need to be prepared for it. Make a timeline and hide it, where only you will be able to retrieve it.

2. The damage of not coming clean, if this ever comes to the surface, beyond the possibility of divorce, is that your husband may not believe that it ever ended, as long as you are working together, and the fact that the other part wants more could lead to possible exposure or even "sexual blackmail"  to avoid exposure.  Plus, what will happen the next time you or he are vulnerable? 

3. From all of your statements, you talk about being bad or doing a bad thing and how you must go back to your marriage and move forward, but there is little mention of your husband. You have not even mentioned a single thing about your relationship with your husband, except that for a time he was unavailable and working 60 hrs a week, but he otherwise doesn't really exist much in this conversation. I have to say, I find that odd from someone who wants to repair a marriage that was potentially brought to the breaking point, unbeknownst to the other party. You seem to be thinking about ME, ME, ME when you should be thinking about Him, Him, Him, meaning your husband.  This situation is not like getting into an automobile accident and realizing you need to drive better. You need to completely refocus your life and attention. 

4. I want to say that I feel you should just out yourself to your husband but you really haven't given any kind of timeline for what really transpired between you and your affair partner. It seems that you had an 18 month affair, did not have sex, but cuddled. If this means Bill Clinton's definition of not having sex, that is a full fledged affair just without penetrative sex. If not perhaps it would be be easier to tell your husband,  take responsibility for your actions, and move forward.

I wish you Luck. 

[Pottering About]

Hi Lorryborry, how are you doing? Only asking as I saw your posts on Savannah 2’s thread and some of your comments about the other man came across as quite angry, coupled with some generalisations about all mm and men who you see as predatory.

I know you accept responsibility for your part in what was an emotional affair but your latest comments could be interpreted as starting blame shifting on your friend who only wanted to have sex with you. As you were both going through intense grief and upheaval at the time, could his intentions have been to enjoy mutual support that then developed into deeper feelings, just like you?

This site can be pretty brutal at times and  have used the above as illustrations of how your comments COULD be interpreted and turned against you.

I don’t know you but you come across as likeable. You can use your experience to help others positively but you may find yourself on the receiving end of comments that will upset you.

Just saying .....

[peachpie]

On 1/16/2021 at 5:23 AM, Lorryborry said:

Trying to educate myself here

1. So is the bottom line in an emotional affair What is talked about that you could not talk about if either spouse was present?

2.  Is one affair partner more emotionally attached than the other

 

3.  Is the key to knowing if you have crossed the line is if you are sad and depressed about distancing yourself

Your input be greatly appreciated.   The bottom line is its never ok to offer emotional support or take it from someone married to someone else?  That being phone calls ,hugs, cheering up,positive reinforcement?  

It's never ok unless spouses are present and it means you are distanced from own spouse? So your own spouse has to be your complete support emotionally and never a married friend?  

 

So this just doesnt happen? I think iv crossed line taking support somewhere I should not have and I want to make it right and distance myself.   I suffered a huge bereavement of 3 family members my parents and sister in 1 months and iv erred in my ways. I feel really really bad.  Thank you for your insight.  By the way not excuse. 

 

 

There's nothing wrong with an open and honest friendship, but you admitted to KISSING this man. That's crossing a line. You are married and so is he! Secrets and hugging and kissing is CHEATING. My own H had a "secret" friend ~ it nearly tore up our family. What about his wife? Does she know about you?

I am confused why you are so confused. If you are having deep emotional discussions and kissing sessions with another man ~ does that seem okay to you? Is that appropriate marriage behavior? Your deepest emotional thoughts are for your husband, female friends, family and therapist. Not another woman's husband.

Judging by your posts, I am guessing your H has a secret, emotional female friend of his own. Would you be happy with that because if he's away so much, I'm sure he is confiding in a woman since he no longer has you.

 

Edited February 22, 2021 by matildag