Main damage in emotional affairs

[princessaurora]

I'm going to answer your orginal question and then share some experience and advice because you've been posting alot of things and feel you really do need it.  

To me the most damaging thing about an EA is the potential for it to  develop into real love. In other words, you may fall in love with this person before things go physical, and then it's a fast track to a PA. When you strictly have a PA that develops without an EA first or ever, most of the time it's  just for pure sex and may never escalate to anything more. It may also be short lived since there's nothing else holding it together. But with an emotional affair, it's a slow build up and by the time you get to that point where it's about to go PA, you're so enthralled in that person, there's not much that's going to stop you because you're just in too deep and you can no longer control your desires. You've already made a deep connection with this person, so you know the sex is going to be spectacular. While both are devastating to the spouse or SO, EA in most cases is much worse just because it has multiple components feeding it. So I absolutely believe an EA is more damaging.  Now on to your situation. 

The fact that you have entertained thoughts about this guy beyond friendship which is obvious by you saying "not the right time" and "bonded" puts you in very dangerous territory. You are obviously attracted to him, so if you were to continue associating with him, it's only a matter of time before all the walls come down and things go physical. Think about it, you obviously like his personality, and he's fulfilling a need that  should have been done by your husband , so if you're physically attracted to him as well and it seems like you are, you know what's coming next if you don't get out. Trust me, I've been there. This is how me and my husband started out. I was in a relationship with a guy  and decided me and now husband would just be friends even though I was extremely attracted to him and knew deep down things were undoubtedly going physical eventually though I kept lying to myself and saying I would never cheat and I could handle it. Yeah, guess what? I was wrong.. We talked about everything under the sun including very personal stuff and about a month later it went physical.  I broke up with my bf right after that first kiss and he was devastated.  Now, I know a boyfriend is not quite as serious as a husband, that's like comparing apples and oranges,  but it was still not the right thing to do, and for you it would be 1000 times worse since you are married with a child.

I also got myself in a very subtle version of the same situation a few months ago with an old friend's brother who started doing business with my company. We were just emailing and skyping mostly business, but personal things were discussed here and there and I started having sexual thoughts about him that became completely intrusive. The fact that he was flirting hard with me didn't help the situation either.  But I recognized this was a problem and I needed to do something about it, just like you. You are recognizing it's detrimental to your marriage,  and you have taken steps to end it, but you have to find a way to not have this person in your life at all.  I know you have some sort of business association with him, but if you could find a way to eliminate that, it would help you immensely. NC is the best way to go so there's no temptation or fallback when you're feeling vulnerable.  But it sounds like you're moving in the right direction.  So, please don't beat yourself up. You're going through a very rough time and my heart breaks that you have endured so much loss in your life. But you also have to remember,  you and your husband are on the same team, not competing against each other, so when something is bothering you or you need support, he is the only one you should turn to. That is the sort of foundation a lasting marriage is built on. 

Good luck. Just keep moving forward and don't look back. 

 

[Lorryborry]

54 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I'm going to answer your orginal question and then share some experience and advice because you've been posting alot of things and feel you really do need it.  

To me the most damaging thing about an EA is the potential for it to  develop into real love. In other words, you may fall in love with this person before things go physical, and then it's a fast track to a PA. When you strictly have a PA that develops without an EA first or ever, most of the time it's  just for pure sex and may never escalate to anything more. It may also be short lived since there's nothing else holding it together. But with an emotional affair, it's a slow build up and by the time you get to that point where it's about to go PA, you're so enthralled in that person, there's not much that's going to stop you because you're just in too deep and you can no longer control your desires. You've already made a deep connection with this person, so you know the sex is going to be spectacular. While both are devastating to the spouse or SO, EA in most cases is much worse just because it has multiple components feeding it. So I absolutely believe an EA is more damaging.  Now on to your situation. 

The fact that you have entertained thoughts about this guy beyond friendship which is obvious by you saying "not the right time" and "bonded" puts you in very dangerous territory. You are obviously attracted to him, so if you were to continue associating with him, it's only a matter of time before all the walls come down and things go physical. Think about it, you obviously like his personality, and he's fulfilling a need that  should have been done by your husband , so if you're physically attracted to him as well and it seems like you are, you know what's coming next if you don't get out. Trust me, I've been there. This is how me and my husband started out. I was in a relationship with a guy  and decided me and now husband would just be friends even though I was extremely attracted to him and knew deep down things were undoubtedly going physical eventually though I kept lying to myself and saying I would never cheat and I could handle it. Yeah, guess what? I was wrong.. We talked about everything under the sun including very personal stuff and about a month later it went physical.  I broke up with my bf right after that first kiss and he was devastated.  Now, I know a boyfriend is not quite as serious as a husband, that's like comparing apples and oranges,  but it was still not the right thing to do, and for you it would be 1000 times worse since you are married with a child.

I also got myself in a very subtle version of the same situation a few months ago with an old friend's brother who started doing business with my company. We were just emailing and skyping mostly business, but personal things were discussed here and there and I started having sexual thoughts about him that became completely intrusive. The fact that he was flirting hard with me didn't help the situation either.  But I recognized this was a problem and I needed to do something about it, just like you. You are recognizing it's detrimental to your marriage,  and you have taken steps to end it, but you have to find a way to not have this person in your life at all.  I know you have some sort of business association with him, but if you could find a way to eliminate that, it would help you immensely. NC is the best way to go so there's no temptation or fallback when you're feeling vulnerable.  But it sounds like you're moving in the right direction.  So, please don't beat yourself up. You're going through a very rough time and my heart breaks that you have endured so much loss in your life. But you also have to remember,  you and your husband are on the same team, not competing against each other, so when something is bothering you or you need support, he is the only one you should turn to. That is the sort of foundation a lasting marriage is built on. 

Good luck. Just keep moving forward and don't look back. 

 

Thank you So much for your help and time xx

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

I mean as its not right time or cannot be because we are not single.   If we were single it could go somewhere.  But its just not a runner because we are not free and never will be  it's in my head alot of it think

What I mean is that you need to stop romanticising this.   He's not yours to create romantic fantasies with, nor are you his.

[Lorryborry]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What I mean is that you need to stop romanticising this.   He's not yours to create romantic fantasies with, nor are you his.

Thank u. Yes I know that. I'm working on this

[elaine567]

The problem you face in moving forward is about finding "support".
Where are you going to get it from now?
Relying on yourself when the issues are so severe, may not work.
Unless you find it in your husband or elsewhere, friends, family, professional help... then you may end up back where you started. That is the risk.
.

[Lorryborry]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The problem you face in moving forward is about finding "support".
Where are you going to get it from now?
Relying on yourself when the issues are so severe, may not work.
Unless you find it in your husband or elsewhere, friends, family, professional help... then you may end up back where you started. That is the risk.
.

Thank you. I'm just going to start doing the right thing. That is creating distance.  Its difficult but not impossible.   You got to think straight right? X

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Lorryborry said:

Thank you. I'm just going to start doing the right thing. That is creating distance.  Its difficult but not impossible.   You got to think straight right? X

Yes but you are still going to need support of some kind. Your husband sounds busy and distant. With the best will in the world he may not be able to be of much help to you when you need it.
You need to start actively setting up help for yourself, in preparation for anytime you feel down and vulnerable.

[Amethyst68]

Correct me if I'm wrong but you've been in your EA for 5 years but the situation with your family deaths happened 2 years ago so you'd already been cheating 3 years by then. It's possible your husband was reacting to emotional detachment and had pulled away as a result and you perceived that as coolness once you needed him again. 

Another thing, you keep posting about MM really loving their OW and only staying with their spouse out of necessity.  You are not an OW you are a MW. I can't help thinking that you talk about loving your husband but in reality,  in your mind you're that MP who wants to leave but feels they have to stay. 

You have completely romanticised this situation. 

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Correct me if I'm wrong but you've been in your EA for 5 years but the situation with your family deaths happened 2 years ago so you'd already been cheating 3 years by then. It's possible your husband was reacting to emotional detachment and had pulled away as a result and you perceived that as coolness once you needed him again. 

Another thing, you keep posting about MM really loving their OW and only staying with their spouse out of necessity.  You are not an OW you are a MW. I can't help thinking that you talk about loving your husband but in reality,  in your mind you're that MP who wants to leave but feels they have to stay. 

You have completely romanticised this situation. 

This is exactly what is going on. She won't admit it because she is not really ready to be honest with herself.  Something happened,  she didn't just wake one morning after 5 years and say this is wrong i love my husband. 

[Lorryborry]

4 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Correct me if I'm wrong but you've been in your EA for 5 years but the situation with your family deaths happened 2 years ago so you'd already been cheating 3 years by then. It's possible your husband was reacting to emotional detachment and had pulled away as a result and you perceived that as coolness once you needed him again. 

Another thing, you keep posting about MM really loving their OW and only staying with their spouse out of necessity.  You are not an OW you are a MW. I can't help thinking that you talk about loving your husband but in reality,  in your mind you're that MP who wants to leave but feels they have to stay. 

You have completely romanticised this situation. 

Thank u for your help.   No I am not 5yrs in it. Yes 2yrs was my losses.   I am working with my therapist and I will put this right.  Yes u are right I'm not taking enough responsibility for my actions.   I should not have posted certain questions.  Iv already apologised to this community.  I am work in progress and I been very wrong.  I want to move forward in the right way and deal with my grief also.

[Lorryborry]

18 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

This is exactly what is going on. She won't admit it because she is not really ready to be honest with herself.  Something happened,  she didn't just wake one morning after 5 years and say this is wrong i love my husband. 

I am work in progress.   Iv made a big mistake.   Again I want to move forward aside can't change what I done yesterday but every day is a chance to make better choices.  Thanks for your help 

[Lorryborry]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes but you are still going to need support of some kind. Your husband sounds busy and distant. With the best will in the world he may not be able to be of much help to you when you need it.
You need to start actively setting up help for yourself, in preparation for anytime you feel down and vulnerable.

Thanks for your help.  Yes I'm working on that 

[Amethyst68]

10 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

Thank u for your help.   No I am not 5yrs in it. Yes 2yrs was my losses.   I am working with my therapist and I will put this right.  Yes u are right I'm not taking enough responsibility for my actions.   I should not have posted certain questions.  Iv already apologised to this community.  I am work in progress and I been very wrong.  I want to move forward in the right way and deal with my grief also.

I'm sorry  I was wrong, I was certain I read a post where you stated you were now 5 years into the EA.

Never apologise for asking questions, it's how you'll work things out. People often say the answers that sting the most or the ones that you resist/ fight hardest against are the ones you really need to look into the most. Doesn't mean they'll automatically be right but all too often they'll give you at least a starting point to start examining. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

I suppose I think if intercourse or no oral or deep physical intimacy took place for over 5yrs but the two ppl just enjoyed each other outside the marriage.  

This is one of your quotes from another of your threads,  this is where I got the 5 years from.

Edited January 17, 2021 by Amethyst68

[DKT3]

4 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

I'm sorry  I was wrong, I was certain I read a post where you stated you were now 5 years into the EA.

Never apologise for asking questions, it's how you'll work things out. People often say the answers that sting the most or the ones that you resist/ fight hardest against are the ones you really need to look into the most. Doesn't mean they'll automatically be right but all too often they'll give you at least a starting point to start examining. 

Never mind,  you found the post.

Edited January 17, 2021 by DKT3

[Pottering About]

Hi. Firstly, can I say how deeply sorry we all are for your tragic losses. Posters on here have been very understanding and supportive, which is often not the case, and I think this reflects how they view your willingness and desire to get your life back on track. Don’t beat yourself up for your situation, there but for the grace of god go all of us in some form or another.

You are obviously working hard to sort things out and can I ask about practicalities? I want to emphasise these questions are more as food for thought,  may help future discussion with your therapist, but also recognise that you already have considered the issues raised. They are not accusatory or there to criticise!

- You say you want to move forward but what does this actually mean? 

- How do you plan to turn these intentions into actions, do you have an action plan or is your approach going to be less structured/ more nebulous? Which option do you need to make this work?

- You have said you think feelings between you and the other man may be more in your head. Do you know what kind of relationship the other man thinks the two of you have? Would he be shocked if he read these threads? If he doesn’t see things the same way as you, what difference could that make to any actions you take? 

- My understanding is that you work closely with the other man and your husband. How are you going to change your day to day relationship with the other man without your husband noticing? Many discoveries of affairs are triggered by changes in behaviour.

- How is the other man going to react to changes in your relationship and you becoming more distant? I ask on both emotional/relationship grounds and in terms of work. Is there a risk that he may see your distancing as a threat to his job/income that will make him  a threat to your marriage?

-  Assuming the 3 of you do work together, how is the working atmosphere at present? Is there a chance that your husband has already or will pick up on tensions between you and the other man and/or your inner turmoil? Will this change in the future?

- How far do you need to distance yourself from the other man? Princess Aurora, who offers extremely good advice to many on here, suggests you may need to consider No Contact and, given some of your statements about the struggles you are having, this may be a valid option. However, how practical is this without your whole world impacting? 

- How are you going to guard against getting yourself in a similar position again? What happens if you find yourself with problems in the future and the other man is there to offer support again?
 

- What are you going to do if your husband finds out? If he does find out, what are the risks, will you lose everything?

- Lastly, do you feel the need to forgive yourself/gain forgiveness and, if so, how are you going to achieve this? I am  not suggesting full confessions or anything like that but it does sound like the guilt is weighing you down and you need to look after your own mental health.

I am sure other posters are going to let me know if I am off track here but this post comes from a good place and may be others might have further thoughts about how you move forward.

From an admin point of view, would it be easier to merge all your threads?

Good luck with everything.

 

[Lorryborry]

3 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

This is one of your quotes from another of your threads,  this is where I got the 5 years from.

Knew him 5yrs.  Got too close and problematic last 2. Thank u

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

Never mind,  you found the post.

Knew him 5.  Got too close last 2 during and after bereavement.   Thanks for yr time. I know what I have to do . That is cut him out.  I wont have this in my life as I want a straight forward life not to be on ls or going to a therapist over some attachment I should not have. I take all the blame .  This is not how I want to live. My husband deserves all my attention and my child. Please understand I am not a person with no morals and I am truly sorry for asking that stupid question about taking back cheats.  I really just want to get my own life in order. In future I will remember this pain anytime I think or see him  I need to stick with my therapist and go with him for my course of action.   I think I will give you guys a break.  I know all iv done wrong  I want to move on after the hellish two years ad have peace and live proper.  Thank u and stay safe.  

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, Pottering About said:

Hi. Firstly, can I say how deeply sorry we all are for your tragic losses. Posters on here have been very understanding and supportive, which is often not the case, and I think this reflects how they view your willingness and desire to get your life back on track. Don’t beat yourself up for your situation, there but for the grace of god go all of us in some form or another.

You are obviously working hard to sort things out and can I ask about practicalities? I want to emphasise these questions are more as food for thought,  may help future discussion with your therapist, but also recognise that you already have considered the issues raised. They are not accusatory or there to criticise!

- You say you want to move forward but what does this actually mean? 

- How do you plan to turn these intentions into actions, do you have an action plan or is your approach going to be less structured/ more nebulous? Which option do you need to make this work?

- You have said you think feelings between you and the other man may be more in your head. Do you know what kind of relationship the other man thinks the two of you have? Would he be shocked if he read these threads? If he doesn’t see things the same way as you, what difference could that make to any actions you take? 

- My understanding is that you work closely with the other man and your husband. How are you going to change your day to day relationship with the other man without your husband noticing? Many discoveries of affairs are triggered by changes in behaviour.

- How is the other man going to react to changes in your relationship and you becoming more distant? I ask on both emotional/relationship grounds and in terms of work. Is there a risk that he may see your distancing as a threat to his job/income that will make him  a threat to your marriage?

-  Assuming the 3 of you do work together, how is the working atmosphere at present? Is there a chance that your husband has already or will pick up on tensions between you and the other man and/or your inner turmoil? Will this change in the future?

- How far do you need to distance yourself from the other man? Princess Aurora, who offers extremely good advice to many on here, suggests you may need to consider No Contact and, given some of your statements about the struggles you are having, this may be a valid option. However, how practical is this without your whole world impacting? 

- How are you going to guard against getting yourself in a similar position again? What happens if you find yourself with problems in the future and the other man is there to offer support again?
 

- What are you going to do if your husband finds out? If he does find out, what are the risks, will you lose everything?

- Lastly, do you feel the need to forgive yourself/gain forgiveness and, if so, how are you going to achieve this? I am  not suggesting full confessions or anything like that but it does sound like the guilt is weighing you down and you need to look after your own mental health.

I am sure other posters are going to let me know if I am off track here but this post comes from a good place and may be others might have further thoughts about how you move forward.

From an admin point of view, would it be easier to merge all your threads?

Good luck with everything.

 

Thank you so much. Thanks for your condolences.   Yes I have found people comsiderate and helpful.  

I have given consideration to all of the above points with my therapist 

What is making matters worse at the moment is my friend is very sick.  So my feelings are stoked up.

But he has his family they will take care of it

I have decided that being on LS is only making me more anxious and guilty and less present with my life so it's not for me

I will move forward with therapy thank you all sincerely for your input and consideration.  

 

Be safe. Thanks for your kindness 

[Lorryborry]

12 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

Knew him 5.  Got too close last 2 during and after bereavement.   Thanks for yr time. I know what I have to do . That is cut him out.  I wont have this in my life as I want a straight forward life not to be on ls or going to a therapist over some attachment I should not have. I take all the blame .  This is not how I want to live. My husband deserves all my attention and my child. Please understand I am not a person with no morals and I am truly sorry for asking that stupid question about taking back cheats.  I really just want to get my own life in order. In future I will remember this pain anytime I think or see him  I need to stick with my therapist and go with him for my course of action.   I think I will give you guys a break.  I know all iv done wrong  I want to move on after the hellish two years ad have peace and live proper.  Thank u and stay safe.  

Thank u sincerely for your help time and input.

I am considering leaving this as I need to move on and put all this behind me. I find constantly being on LS is making me less present and it's not healthy for me. I need to stick with therapy. 

Again thank you most sincerely and be safe

[Lorryborry]

27 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

Knew him 5yrs.  Got too close and problematic last 2. Thank u

Thank you sincerely for your help and kindness and condolences.   Very much appreciated.   I would rather leave LS as I am feeling 10 times worse by spending time on here as it's only more time awayfrom family and I dont want to waste more time on rubbish  fantasy and my selfishness.   I need to stick with therapy for support.  I need to move forward and do the work.  I cant waste anymore time away from my family who needs me.  I just need to move on.  I will examine it all in therapy. Thanks and be safe

[Lorryborry]

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

This is exactly what is going on. She won't admit it because she is not really ready to be honest with herself.  Something happened,  she didn't just wake one morning after 5 years and say this is wrong i love my husband. 

Dkt3 thank you very much for your input consideration and time and to all others who have helped me. I have decided I am using therapy going forward and need to stop being on LS as it's only a further way of taking time away from my family and I dont have time to waste anymore.  Iv wrote this note to all you who have helped me. It's just not for me. Its helped me see things even more clearly. Thanks I am working with my therapist. Be safe

[Lorryborry]

5 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

This is one of your quotes from another of your threads,  this is where I got the 5 years from.

Thanks so much for your help Amethyst68 and to all who have given their time over my time here.  Iv decided to stick with my therapist and work with her who is experienced in this area. I'm spending too much time here on LS and it's just taking away time from my family.   This has been all.my doing and I'm setting it right.  Thank you and be safe

[Lorryborry]

7 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Thanks for your help.  Yes I'm working on that 

Elaine 567 thanks for your help and time here.  Iv decided I'm sticking with my therapist to do my plan going forward.  It's really very simple . Any close discussion are out.   The rest will be ok as it's really simple it's me thats made it difficult.  And I need to concentrate on my family and get on with my life thanks and be safe

[Lorryborry]

12 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Thank u. Yes I know that. I'm working on this

Basil thanks for all your input and help . I'm working with my therapist going forward.  Being on LS is not for me right now. I have support in my therapist. Really appreciate everything.