Is my wife selfish? or am I being prideful?

[odangdude]

I think im starting to recognize situations where my wife blamed me for being inconsiderate when it's really her own insecurity.. and I don't know what to do.

When we were engaged and we were living separately, my roommate asked if his female friend could stay at my house because she was getting kicked out of her house. I met her once before and said yes. my now wife, said that crossed her boundary and I should have talked to her about it first.

Two weeks ago I made a youtube video and was proud of it. I told her I posted it and she was upset that I didn't let her see if first before posting it. 

The two months before our wedding we spent EVERY DAY together planning, cooking dinner together, and just spending time together, and then she got upset because I didn't take her on enough dates and that I wasn't "intentional" about spending time with her.

The first few nights we slept together I cuddled her all night, and we both kind of said that we want to sleep like this every night. I started to realize I was getting s*** sleep because I kept waking up whenever my side hurt or when she needed to move, so I said I can't cuddle all night anymore, Im not getting enough sleep. She was upset about that because she wanted to cuddle all night, and i gave her some false impression that i was going to do that for the rest of my life...

When we were dating/engaged, she called me every day, and we would talk for HOURS. Then one day she complained how I didn't call her enough and how she's always the one calling me first. But on my end its like just because you called me first, doesn't mean I wasn't going to call you!! you didn't give me a chance to call you!!

When we moved in together, she reorganized our entire bathroom. We have a double sink vanity with 3 drawers in the middle. I like to have my stuff in one little spot because it's like 4 things, and i usually like to just keep it up on the counter and not in a drawer. She likes to have everything organized in little bins. So when I was at work she organized everything, putting all our deoderants in one bin, my comb with her brushes, my toothbrush with the toothbrushes, etc. Then when I get home I say, I will compromise on not keeping my stuff on the counter, and would like to keep my stuff in one spot in this drawer. Then she says im the one who doesn't like change and needs things to be my way and am unwilling to compromise, and how we are married now and are sharing a bathroom so we need to make it work for both of us. Since we've gotten married, she leaves her s*** on the counter every day!! 

Im losing my mind...

I've been very codependent my whole life and I've apologized for things that I don't think i should have apologized for. Im done with holding myself responsible for her emotions

[Watercolors]

This is better for a marriage counselor who has experience in these matters. 

I'm a recovering codependent. So, if you are codependent then you seriously need to read about how to be married to a non-codependent person. I don't know if you realize it, but we're (codependents, that is) pretty much doomed to have rocky romantic relationships due to the way our emotional development was severely stunted as children.

Codependent adults literally were not raised correctly by their parents. They were not given the developmental tools that mentally healthy parents give their children to develop into adults who: don't need to excessively control others, who don't have anxiety disorders, who don't have intimacy problems with others, who don't have trust issues, who don't have a fear of being alone or difficulty making decisions, or an excessive need to please others. 

This article may help you distinguish between codependency and interdependency. From what you've written, you don't have any interdependency in your marriage with your wife. All you have is codependency. She calls the shots, you compromise your own needs and wants for hers. That's an imbalance of power and your resentment will build up to a point where instead of taking it out on her directly, you'll take it out on yourself by abusing substances or gambling or something like that. You have excessive reliance on your wife. That is codependency. That is not healthy for you, or for her. That is why I suggest that you two see a marriage counselor who specializes in codependency in marriage. 

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, odangdude said:

I think im starting to recognize situations where my wife blamed me for being inconsiderate when it's really her own insecurity.. and I don't know what to do.

When we were engaged and we were living separately, my roommate asked if his female friend could stay at my house because she was getting kicked out of her house. I met her once before and said yes. my now wife, said that crossed her boundary and I should have talked to her about it first.

Two weeks ago I made a youtube video and was proud of it. I told her I posted it and she was upset that I didn't let her see if first before posting it. 

The two months before our wedding we spent EVERY DAY together planning, cooking dinner together, and just spending time together, and then she got upset because I didn't take her on enough dates and that I wasn't "intentional" about spending time with her.

The first few nights we slept together I cuddled her all night, and we both kind of said that we want to sleep like this every night. I started to realize I was getting s*** sleep because I kept waking up whenever my side hurt or when she needed to move, so I said I can't cuddle all night anymore, Im not getting enough sleep. She was upset about that because she wanted to cuddle all night, and i gave her some false impression that i was going to do that for the rest of my life...

When we were dating/engaged, she called me every day, and we would talk for HOURS. Then one day she complained how I didn't call her enough and how she's always the one calling me first. But on my end its like just because you called me first, doesn't mean I wasn't going to call you!! you didn't give me a chance to call you!!

When we moved in together, she reorganized our entire bathroom. We have a double sink vanity with 3 drawers in the middle. I like to have my stuff in one little spot because it's like 4 things, and i usually like to just keep it up on the counter and not in a drawer. She likes to have everything organized in little bins. So when I was at work she organized everything, putting all our deoderants in one bin, my comb with her brushes, my toothbrush with the toothbrushes, etc. Then when I get home I say, I will compromise on not keeping my stuff on the counter, and would like to keep my stuff in one spot in this drawer. Then she says im the one who doesn't like change and needs things to be my way and am unwilling to compromise, and how we are married now and are sharing a bathroom so we need to make it work for both of us. Since we've gotten married, she leaves her s*** on the counter every day!! 

Im losing my mind...

I've been very codependent my whole life and I've apologized for things that I don't think i should have apologized for. Im done with holding myself responsible for her emotions

I've bolded a lot where you're talking in past tense.  Are these things all current issues, or are they past squabbles which one of you keeps bringing up?   If it's the latter, who still hasn't gotten over what?

Regarding the bathroom counter, are you mad that she's making a mess or are you mad that her stuff is out and yours is away?

[odangdude]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I've bolded a lot where you're talking in past tense.  Are these things all current issues, or are they past squabbles which one of you keeps bringing up?   If it's the latter, who still hasn't gotten over what?

Regarding the bathroom counter, are you mad that she's making a mess or are you mad that her stuff is out and yours is away?

No these are all issues that i've realized I have feelings about that I didn't have before, where i've caved and didn't hold to my own boundaries. Im not going to bring all of these up, probably just the one with the roommate.

Im mad that she's trying to control where I can keep my stuff, and at her hypocrisy in it. We also have our own desks in our office. She likes stuff all neat and put away in drawers again, and I like to have papers and pens on top of the desk. i lose papers when i put them in stacks.. and she does too which resulted in a $300 fine for an unpaid toll that came up after we got married.. And now her desk is all cluttered with stuff on top. 

[Wiseman2]

Talk to your family and friends for support. Talk to an attorney about annulment, separation and divorce options.

She's afraid of you, she's already abandoned the marriage after being married 16 weeks.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, odangdude said:

No these are all issues that i've realized I have feelings about that I didn't have before, where i've caved and didn't hold to my own boundaries. Im not going to bring all of these up, probably just the one with the roommate.

Im mad that she's trying to control where I can keep my stuff, and at her hypocrisy in it. We also have our own desks in our office. She likes stuff all neat and put away in drawers again, and I like to have papers and pens on top of the desk. i lose papers when i put them in stacks.. and she does too which resulted in a $300 fine for an unpaid toll that came up after we got married.. And now her desk is all cluttered with stuff on top. 

The secret to my marriage is "don't sweat the small stuff".   

Marriage is give and take.   People get cross and disagree about stuff, we get snippy but strong marriages work through it.  We know that our partners get up our nose sometimes and we let it go and move on   And yes, we do sometimes say one thing and then do the opposite.  After all, we are only human and humans are fallible. 

With the desk thing, stand firm on how you will have your desk....but let go of the historical stuff.   

Edited January 17, 2021 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

She's a bit needy & wants to see intentional acts. 

Take her on a date.  Prioritize her.  Show her your next video 1st.  Collaborate with her.  Find a compromise to cuddling all night; DH & cuddle until I fall asleep which is almost always before him & then touch feet.  It's contact but we can both sleep without waking the other. 

Maybe write her a poem or get her flowers.  She just wants to feel loved &see the effort. 

[trident_2020]

If it was me I'd lay down some boundaries.

Maybe let some of the stuff go but for example the cuddling all night? I'd be like no way that's going to happen, I need my sleep and sorry that need is more important then your need to cuddle and I'm not really understanding why you'd put your need to cuddle ahead of my need to not have to walk around like a sleepless zombie all day, it's rather selfish of you.

 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

If it was me I'd lay down some boundaries.

Maybe let some of the stuff go but for example the cuddling all night? I'd be like no way that's going to happen, I need my sleep and sorry that need is more important then your need to cuddle and I'm not really understanding why you'd put your need to cuddle ahead of my need to not have to walk around like a sleepless zombie all day, it's rather selfish of you.

 

@odangdude I agree with this.   But from what I understand, she briefly got cross when you said you need space to sleep and then she got over it....and it's no longer an issue.   Is this correct?

[Watercolors]

18 hours ago, odangdude said:

No these are all issues that i've realized I have feelings about that I didn't have before, where i've caved and didn't hold to my own boundaries. Im not going to bring all of these up, probably just the one with the roommate.

Im mad that she's trying to control where I can keep my stuff, and at her hypocrisy in it. We also have our own desks in our office. She likes stuff all neat and put away in drawers again, and I like to have papers and pens on top of the desk. i lose papers when i put them in stacks.. and she does too which resulted in a $300 fine for an unpaid toll that came up after we got married.. And now her desk is all cluttered with stuff on top. 

Regarding the sleep argument between you two. My grandparents slept in separate bedrooms because my grandfather snored loudly and that kept my grandmother awake all night. They were married for over 50 years. There's more research now that states its actually healthy for both people to sleep in separate rooms if one person is a night owl or snores or whatever. That doesn't mean that the relationship is dysfunctional either. It's about meeting both people's needs. 

Apply that philosophy to your office space. Since you resent her sharing your office space, move out of the space and find another space in your home for your desk and office area. Marriage is about compromise. If you have codependent tendancies, which you admit that you have in your OP, you need to take all of that into consideration when responding to your wife's requests etc.

There's no hypocrisy here. There's your resentment that your wife has a different organizational style than you do. And you refuse to allow her to have her own organizational style because it's opposite of yours -- that's your codependency responding; your need for excessive control over your environment and over your wife's choices. That's not healthy or realistic and will drive you two apart. That's why I suggested marrriage counseling with a therapist who has a background in codependency, since that is what you suffer from it will effect all areas of your life.